Hope is a waking dream.
		-- Aristotle

Sat Dec 26 18:56:25 CST 1998

Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.

Sun Jan  3 00:28:11 CST 1999

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in
the world is fixed.
		-- Frank Deford, sports writer

Sun Jan  3 11:23:13 CST 1999

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

Sun Jan  3 11:33:20 CST 1999

It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out
next morning it was someone else.
		-- Will Rogers

Sun Jan  3 15:52:42 CST 1999

To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for
you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.
		-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sun Jan  3 16:53:37 CST 1999

Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.

Mon Jan  4 18:19:03 CST 1999

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.

Mon Jan  4 22:11:42 CST 1999

[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade.
		-- T. Cheatham

Mon Jan  4 22:45:41 CST 1999

Jim, this is Janelle.  I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and
I gotta find a safe place for Daffy.  He loves you, Jim!  It's only two
days, and you'll see.  Great Danes are no problem!
		-- "The Rockford Files"

Mon Jan  4 23:21:16 CST 1999

Nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And we bent our backs as slaves of the night,
Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars
She got from trying to fight
Saying, oh, you'd better believe it.
[...]
Well nothing that's real is ever for free
And you just have to pay for it sometime.
She said it before, she said it to me,
I suppose she believed there was nothing to see,
But the same old four imaginary walls
She'd built for livin' inside
I said oh, you just can't mean it.
[...]
Well nothing that's forced can ever be right,
If it doesn't come naturally, leave it.
That's what she said as she turned out the light,
And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right,
But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost
The veil that covered her eyes,
I said oh, you can leave it.
		-- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It"

Tue Jan  5 00:40:02 CST 1999

Paralysis through analysis.

Tue Jan  5 09:01:44 CST 1999

Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss
the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.

Tue Jan  5 12:13:32 CST 1999

I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.
		-- Chico Marx

Tue Jan  5 13:43:24 CST 1999

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.

Tue Jan  5 18:32:11 CST 1999

Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown

Tue Jan  5 19:29:21 CST 1999

"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
cost to others, to win advancement."
		-- Norman Thomas

Tue Jan  5 22:09:24 CST 1999

	A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed.  They killed
the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole.
	"What do you think?" said the the first ranger.
	"The Czech is in the male," replied the second.

Wed Jan  6 10:10:53 CST 1999

Sin boldly.
		-- Martin Luther

Wed Jan  6 11:08:43 CST 1999

And miles to go before I sleep.
		-- Robert Frost

Wed Jan  6 14:50:42 CST 1999

Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
		-- Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2

Wed Jan  6 15:54:13 CST 1999

The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the
societies in which they occur.
		-- A.N. Whitehead

Wed Jan  6 23:28:32 CST 1999

Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!

Thu Jan  7 00:29:29 CST 1999

I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!!

Thu Jan  7 09:20:05 CST 1999

Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.
		-- Seth Frankel

Thu Jan  7 10:59:10 CST 1999

Programmers do it bit by bit.

Thu Jan  7 17:05:03 CST 1999

Finagle's First Law:
	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Law:
	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
	it worse.

Finagle's Fifth Law:
	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.

Finagle's Sixth Law:
	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.

Thu Jan  7 23:00:50 CST 1999

I think the world is run by C students.
		-- Al McGuire

Sun Jan 10 22:49:19 CST 1999

SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!!
	Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the
	U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS),
	describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on
	the environment, and anticipated opposition.  Statements must be
	filed 30 days in advance.

Mon Jan 11 00:11:43 CST 1999

Creditor, n.:
	A man who has a better memory than a debtor.

Mon Jan 11 00:23:06 CST 1999

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

Mon Jan 11 00:26:37 CST 1999

Rules for Academic Deans:
	(1)  HIDE!!!!
	(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!
		-- Father Damian C. Fandal

Mon Jan 11 11:12:35 CST 1999

Your lucky color has faded.

Mon Jan 11 12:55:32 CST 1999

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

Mon Jan 11 15:38:35 CST 1999

Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A:	Will the defendant please rise?

Mon Jan 11 17:48:10 CST 1999

May all your PUSHes be POPped.

Mon Jan 11 23:03:22 CST 1999

Lawyer's Rule:
	When the law is against you, argue the facts.
	When the facts are against you, argue the law.
	When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.

Tue Jan 12 10:25:46 CST 1999

What, still alive at twenty-two,
A clean upstanding chap like you?
Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit,
Slit your girl's, and swing for it.
Like enough, you won't be glad,
When they come to hang you, lad:
But bacon's not the only thing
That's cured by hanging from a string.
So, when the spilt ink of the night
Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light,
Lads whose job is still to do
Shall whet their knives, and think of you.
		-- Hugh Kingsmill

Tue Jan 12 13:32:52 CST 1999

	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP

This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.

Tue Jan 12 15:06:50 CST 1999

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
	There are no answers, only cross references.

Tue Jan 12 17:24:42 CST 1999

	"Are you police officers?"
	"No, ma'am.  We're musicians."
		-- The Blues Brothers

Tue Jan 12 18:23:50 CST 1999

I stick my neck out for nobody.
		-- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca"

Tue Jan 12 19:50:41 CST 1999

party, n.:
	A gathering where you meet people who drink
	so much you can't even remember their names.

Tue Jan 12 20:13:27 CST 1999

You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.

Tue Jan 12 21:22:12 CST 1999

FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!

Tue Jan 12 22:09:47 CST 1999

Women want their men to be cops.  They want you to punish them and tell
them what the limits are.  The only thing that women hate worse from a man
than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry.
		-- Mort Sahl

Tue Jan 12 23:03:18 CST 1999

When you meet a master swordsman,
show him your sword.
When you meet a man who is not a poet,
do not show him your poem.
		-- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master

Wed Jan 13 08:58:07 CST 1999

Double Bucky, you're the one,
You make my keyboard so much fun,
Double Bucky, an additional bit or two, (Vo-vo-de-o)
Control and meta, side by side,
Augmented ASCII, 9 bits wide!
Double Bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!

Oh, I sure wish that I,
Had a couple of bits more!
Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four.

Double Double Bucky!  Double Bucky left and right
OR'd together, outta sight!
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of,
Double Bucky, I'm happy I heard of,
Double Bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
		-- to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit
		be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use
		by screen editors.  [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]

Wed Jan 13 10:52:40 CST 1999

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Wed Jan 13 11:45:36 CST 1999

Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.
		-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
 
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
		-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to I/O system services.]

Wed Jan 13 15:58:33 CST 1999

If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
		-- Maslow

Wed Jan 13 23:38:39 CST 1999

Basic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish.

Wed Jan 13 23:50:00 CST 1999

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
		-- F.M. Hubbard

Thu Jan 14 09:07:41 CST 1999

Q:	How do you know when you're in the  section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.

Thu Jan 14 11:07:50 CST 1999

When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better.
		-- Mae West

Thu Jan 14 12:00:47 CST 1999

You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.

Thu Jan 14 13:12:10 CST 1999

How much does she love you?  Less than you'll ever know.

Thu Jan 14 13:57:42 CST 1999

Anoint, v.:
	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
	slippery.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Thu Jan 14 22:59:56 CST 1999

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?

Thu Jan 14 23:34:07 CST 1999

Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
		-- Roy Harper

Fri Jan 15 00:11:25 CST 1999

	A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to
Madonna, a young puppy.  It hitched its waggin' to a star.

Fri Jan 15 10:58:35 CST 1999

Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.

Fri Jan 15 13:21:38 CST 1999

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?
		-- Rich Little

Fri Jan 15 14:51:46 CST 1999

Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- Dr. Thor Wald, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish

Fri Jan 15 16:37:44 CST 1999

Love means never having to say you're sorry.
		-- Eric Segal, "Love Story"

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
		-- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?"

Fri Jan 15 16:38:20 CST 1999

Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

Fri Jan 15 20:30:03 CST 1999

I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew.
All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.
		-- Firesign Theatre

Fri Jan 15 20:35:23 CST 1999

In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom.
It is not always an easy sacrifice.

Fri Jan 15 20:42:00 CST 1999

Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!

Fri Jan 15 20:59:39 CST 1999

Laura's Law:
	No child throws up in the bathroom.

Fri Jan 15 21:04:16 CST 1999

Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?

Sat Jan 16 01:51:59 CST 1999

Expedience is the best teacher.

Sat Jan 16 02:07:54 CST 1999

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
		-- Marvin Kitman

Sat Jan 16 09:27:20 CST 1999

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
		-- Wavy Gravy

Sat Jan 16 12:26:40 CST 1999

It's the thought, if any, that counts!

Sat Jan 16 14:32:37 CST 1999

You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
		-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350

Sat Jan 16 17:45:37 CST 1999

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

Sat Jan 16 21:03:07 CST 1999

When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm
yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him.

Step number 3 is of particular importance.  If you leave the guy alive
out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit
by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you
to support him for the rest of his rotten life.  In court he will plead
that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was
looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the
poor.  In that lawsuit, you will lose.  If, on the other hand, you kill
him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful
death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your
story; forget Mother Teresa.  Second, even if you lose, how much could
the bum's life be worth anyway?  A Lot less than 50 years worth of
paralysis.  Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein.  Finish the job.
	-- G. Gordon Liddy's "Forbes" column on personal security

Sat Jan 16 23:00:34 CST 1999

    ***
  *******
 *********
 ****** Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
  *******
    ***

Sun Jan 17 00:07:06 CST 1999

Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.

Sun Jan 17 00:41:28 CST 1999

Forgive and forget.
		-- Cervantes

Sun Jan 17 08:53:18 CST 1999

Governor Tarkin.  I should have expected to find you holding Vader's
leash.  I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on board.
		-- Princess Leia Organa

Sun Jan 17 12:26:48 CST 1999

You can rent this space for only $5 a week.

Sun Jan 17 14:03:53 CST 1999

A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
		-- Paul Harvey

Sun Jan 17 21:20:30 CST 1999

The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.
		-- Andy Purshottam

Sun Jan 17 23:00:24 CST 1999

critic, n.:
	A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
	to please him.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mon Jan 18 08:48:34 CST 1999

A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.

Mon Jan 18 11:04:17 CST 1999

The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife.

Mon Jan 18 12:49:05 CST 1999

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again.
God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
		-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"

Mon Jan 18 14:56:51 CST 1999

Data, n.:
	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.

Mon Jan 18 18:28:10 CST 1999

It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3

Mon Jan 18 19:02:11 CST 1999

In buying horses and taking a wife shut your eyes tight and commend
yourself to God.

Mon Jan 18 19:39:58 CST 1999

The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has
to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"
		-- Will Rogers

The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit.
		-- Vice President John Nance Garner

Mon Jan 18 19:42:53 CST 1999

Elephant, n.:
	A mouse built to government specifications.

Mon Jan 18 19:52:53 CST 1999

Humor in the Court:
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Mon Jan 18 20:19:15 CST 1999

Nobody is one block of harmony.  We are all afraid of something, or feel
limited in something.  We all need somebody to talk to.  It would be good
if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk.  We
shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact;
that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too.
It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks.
		-- Liv Ullman

Mon Jan 18 21:16:30 CST 1999

Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.

Tue Jan 19 01:02:12 CST 1999

DOS Air:
All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it
until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again.
Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et
cetera.

Tue Jan 19 08:29:26 CST 1999

Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.

Tue Jan 19 10:22:32 CST 1999

telepression, n.:
	The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try
	hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the
	burden on the directory assistant.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Tue Jan 19 10:51:52 CST 1999

A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side.  It
weighs one third of a pound per foot.  On one end hangs a monkey holding a
banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch.  The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother.  The combined age of the
monkey and its mother is thirty years.  One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope.  The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
she was half as old as the monkey will be when when it is as old as its mother
will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice
as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it
was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was
when it was one fourth as old as it is now.  How long is the banana?

Tue Jan 19 11:10:18 CST 1999

I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.
		-- Alexander Woolcott

Tue Jan 19 11:34:28 CST 1999

It looked like something resembling white marble, which was
probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"

Tue Jan 19 13:42:44 CST 1999

Humor in the Court:
Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, 
    and said he was really good.

Tue Jan 19 15:03:46 CST 1999

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles.  Therefore ... in the Old
Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred
thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the
Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.  ... There is
something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
		-- Mark Twain

Tue Jan 19 17:07:34 CST 1999

Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits
of the world.
		-- Schopenhauer

Tue Jan 19 18:18:36 CST 1999

genlock, n.:
	Why he stays in the bottle.

Tue Jan 19 19:28:50 CST 1999

A wide-eyed, innocent UNICORN, poised delicately in a MEADOW filled
with LILACS, LOLLIPOPS & small CHILDREN at the HUSH of twilight??

Tue Jan 19 19:45:03 CST 1999

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).

Tue Jan 19 21:40:39 CST 1999

Showing up is 80% of life.
		-- Woody Allen

Tue Jan 19 22:46:24 CST 1999

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Tue Jan 19 23:17:31 CST 1999

An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.

Wed Jan 20 00:27:09 CST 1999

How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by
a waiter at a nice party?
	Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors
d'oeuvre.  If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's
inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say:  "This is
cheese!  I hate cheese!"  Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and
bite another one and go, "Darn it!  Another cheese!" and so on.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"

Wed Jan 20 11:02:39 CST 1999

Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.

Wed Jan 20 13:35:28 CST 1999

Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers
gathered around to hear what had passed.  "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I
only want to say that the King spoke to me."  All the villagers but the
stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news.  The remaining villager
asked, "What did the King say to you?"  "What he said -- and quite distinctly,
for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed;
he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they
were spoken to.

Wed Jan 20 14:43:15 CST 1999

Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _n,
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
		-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"

Wed Jan 20 23:14:16 CST 1999

I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
		-- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"

Thu Jan 21 10:01:23 CST 1999

Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Thu Jan 21 11:16:22 CST 1999

There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
art, music, and women.

Thu Jan 21 11:36:03 CST 1999

Software, n.:
	Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.

Thu Jan 21 16:07:24 CST 1999

MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.

Thu Jan 21 21:57:28 CST 1999

The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
		-- Wavy Gravy

Thu Jan 21 23:25:34 CST 1999

union, n.:
	A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.

Fri Jan 22 00:10:51 CST 1999

egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0

Fri Jan 22 12:38:36 CST 1999

Sailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm.

Fri Jan 22 19:07:11 CST 1999

One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.

Fri Jan 22 22:24:43 CST 1999

	"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?"
	"NO! ... I mean Yes!  WHAT?"
	"I'll put `maybe.'"
		-- Bloom County

Sat Jan 23 01:06:21 CST 1999

Great minds run in great circles.

Sat Jan 23 10:24:50 CST 1999

Pohl's law:
	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.

Sat Jan 23 12:17:51 CST 1999

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
		-- Lao Tsu

Sat Jan 23 13:26:48 CST 1999

BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.

Sat Jan 23 20:52:24 CST 1999

"How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only
coded it."
(Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)

Sat Jan 23 23:20:41 CST 1999

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
		-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"

Sun Jan 24 12:02:16 CST 1999

I saw a man pursuing the Horizon,
'Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this,
I accosted the man,
"It is futile," I said.
"You can never--"
"You lie!" He cried,
and ran on.
		-- Stephen Crane

Sun Jan 24 12:02:56 CST 1999

The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.
	"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.
	"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on
till you come to the end: then stop."
		-- Lewis Carroll

Sun Jan 24 17:16:09 CST 1999

Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
		-- Zero Mostel

Sun Jan 24 21:27:47 CST 1999

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
		-- Colm Brogan

Mon Jan 25 12:27:19 CST 1999

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain

Mon Jan 25 15:10:12 CST 1999

Poverty begins at home.

Mon Jan 25 23:45:50 CST 1999

The best prophet of the future is the past.

Tue Jan 26 10:45:16 CST 1999

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.

Tue Jan 26 14:29:09 CST 1999

You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

Tue Jan 26 17:55:30 CST 1999

Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.

Tue Jan 26 19:30:36 CST 1999

Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!

Wed Jan 27 09:35:58 CST 1999

It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Wed Jan 27 13:44:29 CST 1999

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel
a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
		-- Dave Barry

Thu Jan 28 01:41:32 CST 1999

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
		-- Ernest Hemingway

Thu Jan 28 09:50:15 CST 1999

A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
people's attention.

Thu Jan 28 11:48:55 CST 1999

Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.

Thu Jan 28 17:44:03 CST 1999

brain, n:
	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Thu Jan 28 23:00:22 CST 1999

Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.

Fri Jan 29 11:06:02 CST 1999

A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase.
He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought
to have a name.  This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name
should be masculine or feminine.
	After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
	"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends.  Most of
them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
	He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo.  She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
	The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he
asked.
	"Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were
masculine."
	"Unhhh...  Well, why not?"
	"Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want
it to.  And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say...  `Each Nissan, she
go!'"

	[No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental
	martial art.  (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.)  Ed.]

Fri Jan 29 17:51:33 CST 1999

Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.

Fri Jan 29 17:51:47 CST 1999

Vulcans do not approve of violence.
		-- Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4

Fri Jan 29 21:38:08 CST 1999

Gilbert's Discovery:
	Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces
	sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.

Fri Jan 29 23:28:51 CST 1999

I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me,
I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see,
I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen,
With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down,
And I'm, uh, feelin' mean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
	No more, Mr. Clean,
	No more, Mr. Nice Guy,
They say "He's sick, he's obscene".

My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes,
Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide,
I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose,
The reverend Smithy, he recognized me,
And punched me in the nose, he said,
(chorus)
He said "You're sick, you're obscene".
		-- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy"

Sat Jan 30 01:05:01 CST 1999

Oregano, n.:
	The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.

Sat Jan 30 01:56:01 CST 1999

Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.

Sat Jan 30 12:41:39 CST 1999

	One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus,
and drove off along the route.  No problems for the first few stops -- a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.  At the next
stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.  Six feet eight, built like a
wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.  He glared at the driver and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.
	Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek?  Well, he was.  Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't
happy about it.  Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on
again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.  And the next day, and the
one after that, and so forth.  This grated on the bus driver, who started
losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.  Finally he
could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo,
and all that good stuff.  By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong;
what's more, he felt really good about himself.
	So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus
and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the
passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"
	With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a
bus pass."

Sat Jan 30 19:58:40 CST 1999

Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it!
		-- Monty Python

Sat Jan 30 22:07:19 CST 1999

Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

Sun Jan 31 13:26:37 CST 1999

You have taken yourself too seriously.

Sun Jan 31 13:35:38 CST 1999

Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Sun Jan 31 19:51:27 CST 1999

We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.

Mon Feb  1 01:12:11 CST 1999

Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.
		-- D. Gries

Mon Feb  1 09:28:36 CST 1999

It hangs down from the chandelier
Nobody knows quite what it does
Its color is odd and its shape is weird
It emits a high-sounding buzz

It grows a couple of feet each day
and wriggles with sort of a twitch
Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from
a visiting uncle who's rich!
		-- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear"

Mon Feb  1 09:56:34 CST 1999

It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.

Mon Feb  1 11:04:54 CST 1999

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead

Mon Feb  1 13:55:21 CST 1999

If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?

Mon Feb  1 22:41:22 CST 1999

Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not
or that there is not space to list it all, etc.

Tue Feb  2 01:54:11 CST 1999

Dear Freshman,
	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.

Tue Feb  2 09:34:04 CST 1999

Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also a prison.
		-- Henry David Thoreau

Tue Feb  2 13:59:41 CST 1999

Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.

Tue Feb  2 16:07:52 CST 1999

Jesus is my POSTMASTER GENERAL ...

Tue Feb  2 22:18:19 CST 1999

A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after
that begins to bunch them.
		-- Mencken

Wed Feb  3 10:32:17 CST 1999

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

Wed Feb  3 14:41:38 CST 1999

Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
but they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
		-- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
		   Implications for Psi Phenomena".

Wed Feb  3 23:28:24 CST 1999

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
	Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Thu Feb  4 11:34:01 CST 1999

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.

Thu Feb  4 13:35:53 CST 1999

Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.  Why a man
would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery.

Thu Feb  4 23:52:26 CST 1999

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.
		-- Kin Hubbard

Fri Feb  5 12:22:20 CST 1999

The absent ones are always at fault.

Fri Feb  5 14:53:35 CST 1999

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
		-- Ashley Montague

Fri Feb  5 22:57:59 CST 1999

Leveraging always beats prototyping.

Sat Feb  6 01:22:29 CST 1999

HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!!

Sat Feb  6 12:10:15 CST 1999

Onward through the fog.

Sat Feb  6 16:52:57 CST 1999

If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.

Sat Feb  6 21:00:27 CST 1999

To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.

Sat Feb  6 22:12:10 CST 1999

The sheep died in the wool.

Sun Feb  7 13:20:01 CST 1999

If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!

Sun Feb  7 21:06:43 CST 1999

What a bonanza!  An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script
by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary
Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them!
		-- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses"

Mon Feb  8 10:15:52 CST 1999

When the candles are out all women are fair.
		-- Plutarch

Mon Feb  8 15:01:24 CST 1999

Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.
		-- P.J. Bailey

Mon Feb  8 23:12:33 CST 1999

The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint
has a past and every sinner has a future.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Tue Feb  9 10:05:38 CST 1999

	How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are
3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand,
who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
nanocentury.
		-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs

Tue Feb  9 15:42:55 CST 1999

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Tue Feb  9 23:55:30 CST 1999

Ogden's Law:
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

Wed Feb 10 15:08:12 CST 1999

You've always made the mistake of being yourself.
		-- Eugene Ionesco

Wed Feb 10 16:34:12 CST 1999

"Thirty days hath Septober,
April, June, and no wonder.
all the rest have peanut butter
except my father who wears red suspenders."

Wed Feb 10 22:49:35 CST 1999

Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:

	I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
	"Hey you, get off my plate"
		-- Roger Midnight

Thu Feb 11 10:48:18 CST 1999

===  ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE  ========================

CAR and CDR now return extra values.

The function CAR now returns two values.  Since it has to go to the trouble 
to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 
well get both halves at once.  For example, the following code shows how to 
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):

	(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)

For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
object.  In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack.  This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.

Thu Feb 11 13:06:20 CST 1999

Anoint, v.:
	To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
	slippery.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Fri Feb 12 01:09:54 CST 1999

The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite.
Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!

Sun Feb 14 02:45:34 CST 1999

Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!

Sun Feb 14 19:47:46 CST 1999

Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.

Mon Feb 15 10:08:27 CST 1999

To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends.
		-- Benjamin Franklin

Mon Feb 15 15:30:42 CST 1999

If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.
		-- Tom Wicker

Mon Feb 15 22:52:03 CST 1999

Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
		-- Lazarus Long

Mon Feb 15 23:56:28 CST 1999

"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't
let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."
		-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk

Tue Feb 16 12:19:34 CST 1999

Christmas:
	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 
	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
	response time of the entire year.

Tue Feb 16 16:33:29 CST 1999

When in trouble or in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout.

Wed Feb 17 10:32:38 CST 1999

The first time, it's a KLUDGE!
The second, a trick.
Later, it's a well-established technique!
		-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics

Wed Feb 17 23:47:01 CST 1999

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Thu Feb 18 08:12:58 CST 1999

My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood)
"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
For years I tried smart.  I recommend pleasant.
		-- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey"

Thu Feb 18 11:46:46 CST 1999

Ever wonder why fire engines are red?

Because newspapers are read too.
Two and Two is four.
Four and four is eight.
Eight and four is twelve.
There are twelve inches in a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ruler.
Queen Mary was a ship.
Ships sail the sea.
There are fishes in the sea.
Fishes have fins.
The Finns fought the Russians.
Russians are red.
Fire engines are always rush'n.
Therefore fire engines are red.

Thu Feb 18 13:53:43 CST 1999

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.

Thu Feb 18 23:20:24 CST 1999

A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
		-- Victor Hugo

Fri Feb 19 14:42:50 CST 1999

There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.

Sat Feb 20 00:58:53 CST 1999

The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness
experienced at being alone together.
		-- Jean de la Bruyere

Sat Feb 20 16:34:08 CST 1999

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
		-- Reverend Chichester

Sat Feb 20 21:00:22 CST 1999

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
		-- Booth Tarkington

Sun Feb 21 00:48:07 CST 1999

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb

Sun Feb 21 11:54:42 CST 1999

Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Sun Feb 21 20:11:13 CST 1999

May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard
versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.

Sun Feb 21 23:13:39 CST 1999

Totally illogical, there was no chance.
		-- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3

Sun Feb 21 23:45:52 CST 1999

A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.

Mon Feb 22 10:51:44 CST 1999

Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer
of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that
continues to this day.
		-- Wayne Shannon

Mon Feb 22 15:07:05 CST 1999

Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us
all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for
its wild horses.  I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs
romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any
wild horses in person.  In person, they are like enormous hooved rats.  They
amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses.
We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes.
We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
		-- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"

Mon Feb 22 23:02:31 CST 1999

IBM:
	I've Been Moved
	Idiots Become Managers
	Idiots Buy More
	Impossible to Buy Machine
	Incredibly Big Machine
	Industry's Biggest Mistake
	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
	It Boggles the Mind
	It's Better Manually
	Itty-Bitty Machines

Tue Feb 23 22:45:51 CST 1999

	Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a
haven of tranquility in troubled times.  It's a good town, a civilized town.
A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday.  Let
the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath.  We have known the
stolid but steady Killebrew.  Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini
may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka
Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer.  The loss is
theirs.  And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut
butter on lefse.  Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm
disease and the number one crime is overtime parking.  We boast more theater
per capita than the Big Apple.  We go to see, not to be seen.  We go even
when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there.  Indeed
the winters are fierce.  But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer.
People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so
much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka.
Here's to the Minneapple.  And to its people.  Our flair for style is balanced
by a healthy respect for wind chill factors.
	And we always, always eat our vegetables.
	This is the Minneapple.

Wed Feb 24 11:29:26 CST 1999

>Ever heard of .cshrc?
That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)

Wed Feb 24 12:05:26 CST 1999

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Wed Feb 24 13:05:52 CST 1999

She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer.

Wed Feb 24 15:15:09 CST 1999

Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.

Wed Feb 24 17:03:22 CST 1999

Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit.
	[There is no great genius without some touch of madness.]
		-- Seneca

Wed Feb 24 21:03:15 CST 1999

Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the
corner.

Thu Feb 25 09:20:40 CST 1999

My EARS are GONE!!

Thu Feb 25 14:32:55 CST 1999

Price's Advice:
	It's all a game -- play it to have fun.

Thu Feb 25 17:17:22 CST 1999

The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man
really clever who has not found that he is stupid.
		-- Gilbert K. Chesterson

Thu Feb 25 21:43:40 CST 1999

Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider
their unacceptable offer.

Fri Feb 26 11:06:25 CST 1999

Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.

Fri Feb 26 13:15:11 CST 1999

Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who
can't talk for people who can't read.
		-- Frank Zappa

Fri Feb 26 19:53:27 CST 1999

YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!

Sat Feb 27 01:40:46 CST 1999

I'm just as sad as sad can be!
	I've missed your special date.
Please say that you're not mad at me
	My tax return is late.
		-- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards

Sat Feb 27 11:40:49 CST 1999

He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.

Sat Feb 27 15:16:27 CST 1999

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single 
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
		-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Sat Feb 27 22:56:41 CST 1999

By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.
		-- Charles Spurgeon

Sat Feb 27 23:52:11 CST 1999

No one can guarantee the actions of another.
		-- Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown

Sun Feb 28 11:54:00 CST 1999

Quigley's Law:
	Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
	atttempt to use it.

Sun Feb 28 19:22:34 CST 1999

You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty
to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties
are merely deputies of that one.
		-- Nero Wolfe

Sun Feb 28 21:09:03 CST 1999

hacker, n.:
	A master byter.

Sun Feb 28 22:04:49 CST 1999

Law of Selective Gravity:
	An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
	The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side
	down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:
	You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Mon Mar  1 00:40:11 CST 1999

The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi.

Mon Mar  1 09:41:34 CST 1999

Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.

Mon Mar  1 09:46:08 CST 1999

Come quickly, I am tasting stars!
		-- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne.

Mon Mar  1 11:31:18 CST 1999

Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.

Mon Mar  1 13:42:54 CST 1999

He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open.
		-- Scottish proverb.

Mon Mar  1 13:44:07 CST 1999

November, n.:
	The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mon Mar  1 16:52:01 CST 1999

The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.
		-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696

Mon Mar  1 23:37:50 CST 1999

Like I always say -- nothing can beat the BRATWURST here in DUSSELDORF!!

Tue Mar  2 10:05:43 CST 1999

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3

MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET:
	Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and
	tries to make it big on Broadway.  Santa sings and dances his way
	into your heart.

Tue Mar  2 15:41:26 CST 1999

To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who should demand
more from her?  You don't want a rose to sing.
		-- Thackeray

Wed Mar  3 00:43:53 CST 1999

The Marines:
	The few, the proud, the not very bright.

Wed Mar  3 03:10:22 CST 1999

Crenna's Law of Political Accountability:
	If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be
	held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.

Wed Mar  3 13:10:09 CST 1999

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
shortcomings.
		-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"

Wed Mar  3 23:13:01 CST 1999

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Thu Mar  4 09:05:39 CST 1999

One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with
Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just
to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't
be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending
to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't
understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid.  He was
reknowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the
time, which obviously worried him, hence the act.  He preferred people to be
puzzled rather than contemptuous.  This above all appeared to Trillian to be
genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Thu Mar  4 19:04:30 CST 1999

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Thu Mar  4 21:09:18 CST 1999

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!
		-- Samuel Goldwyn

Fri Mar  5 12:33:59 CST 1999

I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.
		-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"

Fri Mar  5 18:08:48 CST 1999

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

Fri Mar  5 22:13:24 CST 1999

statistics, n.:
	A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing
	scientific guise.

Sat Mar  6 00:20:34 CST 1999

If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will
serve us right.
		-- Alistair Cooke

Sat Mar  6 11:23:25 CST 1999

Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.
		-- Edmond About

Sat Mar  6 15:05:19 CST 1999

On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS
PHILBIN ...  It's GREAT to be ALIVE!!

Sat Mar  6 23:33:24 CST 1999

The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all
who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
		-- Benjamin Franklin.

Sat Mar  6 23:43:53 CST 1999

Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.

Sun Mar  7 00:18:18 CST 1999

Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.
		-- Addison H. Hallock

Sun Mar  7 11:51:24 CST 1999

senility, n.:
	The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.

Sun Mar  7 21:37:29 CST 1999

Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for
anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations
in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."
		-- Instrument News
		[Once is too often.  Ed.]

Mon Mar  8 08:44:32 CST 1999

If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal
purposes.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover

Mon Mar  8 13:30:30 CST 1999

Life only demands from you the strength you possess.
Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.
		-- Dag Hammarskjold

Mon Mar  8 17:33:48 CST 1999

Fats Loves Madelyn.

Tue Mar  9 12:39:58 CST 1999

A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.

Tue Mar  9 17:22:14 CST 1999

... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee
thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe
biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum
cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ...

	I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto...

Wed Mar 10 08:59:28 CST 1999

Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism
in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with
the ignorance of the community.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Wed Mar 10 13:43:20 CST 1999

To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.
		-- Eugene Ionesco

Thu Mar 11 11:07:46 CST 1999

How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?

Thu Mar 11 17:35:33 CST 1999

[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
		-- Joseph Campbell

Fri Mar 12 13:30:28 CST 1999

They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius,
The man said "We got all that we can use",
So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin',
Working-at-the-car-wash blues.
		-- Jim Croce

Fri Mar 12 23:23:29 CST 1999

In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.

Sat Mar 13 08:21:31 CST 1999

If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.

Sat Mar 13 23:11:12 CST 1999

A programming language is low level when its programs require attention
to the irrelevant.

Sun Mar 14 11:44:43 CST 1999

It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.

Sun Mar 14 16:55:06 CST 1999

Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
Helpless users with projects due
Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"

* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation.
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
		-- Curtis Jackson

Sun Mar 14 19:36:29 CST 1999

You are as I am with You.

Mon Mar 15 09:36:17 CST 1999

A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age.
		-- Robert Frost

Mon Mar 15 11:39:58 CST 1999

QOTD:
	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."

Mon Mar 15 13:10:13 CST 1999

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.

Tue Mar 16 10:06:39 CST 1999

He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
		-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS

Tue Mar 16 14:40:41 CST 1999

Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
	-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
	   Ecole Superieure de Guerre

Wed Mar 17 01:09:39 CST 1999

Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.

Wed Mar 17 09:26:18 CST 1999

The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success
of the barbecue.

Wed Mar 17 13:00:08 CST 1999

Yow!  I'm imagining a surfer van filled with soy sauce!

Wed Mar 17 13:51:58 CST 1999

Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6

Wed Mar 17 16:07:59 CST 1999

I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole.

Thu Mar 18 00:27:35 CST 1999

Pedaeration, n.:
	The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
	sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Thu Mar 18 01:14:56 CST 1999

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.

Thu Mar 18 10:42:36 CST 1999

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
		-- Dylan Thomas

Thu Mar 18 15:50:18 CST 1999

A penny saved is a penny taxed.

Thu Mar 18 16:58:51 CST 1999

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
		-- Aristotle Onassis

Fri Mar 19 00:05:28 CST 1999

I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I
ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
		-- Steven Wright

Fri Mar 19 09:42:59 CST 1999

[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying
hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.
		-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV

Fri Mar 19 17:03:24 CST 1999

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised
when others believe him.
		-- Charles DeGaulle

Fri Mar 19 22:11:20 CST 1999

Carson's Consolation:
	Nothing is ever a complete failure.
	It can always be used as a bad example.

Sat Mar 20 00:14:19 CST 1999

The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn.
		-- Earl Warren

That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all
the lessons that history has to teach.
		-- Aldous Huxley

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.
		-- Georg Hegel

HISTORY:  Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn
nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened
this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"

Sat Mar 20 12:00:18 CST 1999

The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."

Sat Mar 20 13:02:59 CST 1999

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own
weight in other people's patience.
		-- John Updike

Sat Mar 20 23:29:41 CST 1999

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
		-- Wilson Mizner

Sun Mar 21 18:03:19 CST 1999

"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
		-- Jay Leno

Sun Mar 21 22:52:16 CST 1999

You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!

Mon Mar 22 23:02:22 CST 1999

No one likes us.
I don't know why.
We may not be perfect,			We give them money,
But heaven knows we try.		But are they grateful?
But all around,				No, they're spiteful,
Even our old friends put us down.	And they're hateful.
Let's drop the big one,			They don't respect us,
And see what happens.			So let's surprise them
					We'll drop the big one,
					And pulverize 'em.
Asia's crowded,
Europe's too old,
Africa is far too hot,			We'll save Australia.
And Canada's too cold.			Don't wanna hurt no kangaroos.
And South America stole our name	We'll build an All-American amusement
Let's drop the big one,				park there--
There'll be no one left to blame us.	They got surfin', too!

Boom! goes London,
And Boom! Paree.
More room for you,			Oh, how peaceful it'll be!
And more room for me,			We'll set everybody free!
And every city,				You'll wear a Japanese kimono, babe;
The whole world round,			There'll be Italian shoes for me!
Will just be another American town.	They all hate us anyhow,
					So, let's drop the big one now.
					Let's drop the big one now!
		-- Randy Newman, "Drop the Big One"

Tue Mar 23 15:59:38 CST 1999

General notions are generally wrong.
		-- Lady M.W. Montagu

Wed Mar 24 10:16:07 CST 1999

How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
		-- Elliot, "E.T."

Wed Mar 24 12:23:49 CST 1999

	"But Huey, you PROMISED!"
	"Tell 'em I lied."

Thu Mar 25 00:31:21 CST 1999

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes
may not be the same.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

Thu Mar 25 10:05:11 CST 1999

Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales.

Fri Mar 26 09:53:31 CST 1999

Shannon's Observation:
	Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to
	improve.

Fri Mar 26 14:30:52 CST 1999

The man she had was kind and clean
And well enough for every day,
But oh, dear friends, you should have seen
The one that got away.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman"

Fri Mar 26 23:46:13 CST 1999

Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions?

D    G    G    O

O    Y    A    N

A    D    B    T

K    I    S    P
Enter words:
>

Sat Mar 27 12:01:51 CST 1999

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Sat Mar 27 23:52:11 CST 1999

I'm having BEAUTIFUL THOUGHTS about the INSIPID WIVES of smug and
wealthy CORPORATE LAWYERS ...

Sun Mar 28 11:59:34 CST 1999

We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who,
content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.
		-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)

Sun Mar 28 15:06:14 CST 1999

The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
		-- Harlan Ellison

Mon Mar 29 00:41:39 CST 1999

Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter.

Mon Mar 29 00:49:42 CST 1999

Maintainer's Motto:
	If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.

Mon Mar 29 01:17:41 CST 1999

-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
	of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
	of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.

Mon Mar 29 09:23:22 CST 1999

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

Mon Mar 29 13:09:45 CST 1999

He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all
the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."
		-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"

Mon Mar 29 15:24:43 CST 1999

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
		-- Herodotus

Tue Mar 30 19:54:49 CST 1999

Tobacco is a filthy weed,
That from the devil does proceed;
It drains your purse, it burns your clothes,
And makes a chimney of your nose.
		-- B. Waterhouse

Wed Mar 31 02:05:24 CST 1999

	A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign.  "Free
Chickens.  Our Coop Runneth Over."

Wed Mar 31 15:15:16 CST 1999

L'etat c'est moi.
	[I am the state.]
		-- Louis XIV

Wed Mar 31 19:30:14 CST 1999

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

Thu Apr  1 09:17:24 CST 1999

Are the STEWED PRUNES still in the HAIR DRYER?

Thu Apr  1 12:32:06 CST 1999

	"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
	"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO
DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
	"Why?"
	"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

Fri Apr  2 10:38:20 CST 1999

The most dangerous organization in America today is:
	(a) The KKK
	(b) The American Nazi Party
	(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club

Fri Apr  2 12:20:59 CST 1999

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of
confidence.
		-- Andrew Young

Fri Apr  2 12:30:34 CST 1999

SUN Microsystems:
	The Network IS the Load Average.

Fri Apr  2 13:02:41 CST 1999

Goodbye, cool world.

Fri Apr  2 13:57:11 CST 1999

Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to
throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him,
slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
		-- Jon Bentley

Fri Apr  2 14:29:29 CST 1999

You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to
make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie
chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.

Fri Apr  2 14:30:45 CST 1999

Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning.

Fri Apr  2 14:39:41 CST 1999

When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
		-- Charles Merrill Smith

Fri Apr  2 15:28:55 CST 1999

You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.

Fri Apr  2 18:56:43 CST 1999

Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?
A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.

Fri Apr  2 19:21:24 CST 1999

Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Fri Apr  2 19:25:54 CST 1999

Hey, wait a minute!!  I want a divorce!! ... you're not Clint Eastwood!!

Fri Apr  2 20:03:47 CST 1999

To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of
confidence.
		-- Andrew Young

Fri Apr  2 21:40:23 CST 1999

Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.
		-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.

Fri Apr  2 23:03:56 CST 1999

I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone

Sat Apr  3 11:49:17 CST 1999

Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions.

Sat Apr  3 13:12:27 CST 1999

The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie
Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall.  Philbin is said
to make up for no talent by cheating well.  Says Philbin of his decision
to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."

Sat Apr  3 13:47:08 CST 1999

Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.

Sat Apr  3 14:01:47 CST 1999

Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the
window.

Sat Apr  3 14:03:27 CST 1999

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Paul Erlich

Sat Apr  3 14:05:54 CST 1999

Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Sat Apr  3 15:32:28 CST 1999

Reality is for people who lack imagination.

Sat Apr  3 18:05:44 CST 1999

BASIC, n.:
	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

Sat Apr  3 18:17:43 CST 1999

The early worm gets the bird.

Sat Apr  3 23:29:20 CST 1999

"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
		-- A. L.

Tue Apr  6 00:22:38 CDT 1999

I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't
that good.
		-- Amy Gorin

Sat Apr 10 16:27:46 CDT 1999

Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not
take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.
		-- Booth Tarkington

Sat Apr 10 17:09:04 CDT 1999

Life Sucks.  Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but
certain not to find her.  Drop me a note.  I'll call you, we'll talk and
I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can
afford in a feeble attempt to impress you.  Then we'll realize we have
absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more
embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible).

Sat Apr 17 00:22:37 CDT 1999

Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.
		-- Derek Bok

Sat Apr 17 10:35:20 CDT 1999

vacation, n.:
	A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that
	it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday
	life-style to recuperate.

Sat Apr 17 12:51:35 CDT 1999

Zero Mostel: That's it baby!  When you got it, flaunt it!  Flaunt it!
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Producers"

Sat Apr 17 13:36:25 CDT 1999

-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous
	materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the
	optimal cachinnation.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.

Sat Apr 17 22:49:35 CDT 1999

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
    equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
	Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
	inevitably unsuccessful.
 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
	Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel
	them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
	adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to
	the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.
	The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding
	auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
	This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
	character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
	altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common
	as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A "wacky"
	character has the option of self-replication only at manic high
	speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
		-- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980

Sun Apr 18 23:23:34 CDT 1999

Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker

Mon Apr 19 00:46:40 CDT 1999

Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child.
		-- Thomas Berger

Mon Apr 19 11:05:38 CDT 1999

I can resist anything but temptation.

Tue Apr 20 09:44:30 CDT 1999

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind starts and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.

Tue Apr 20 10:30:24 CDT 1999

A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
		-- Carl Sandburg

Tue Apr 20 20:22:02 CDT 1999

Your education begins where what is called your education is over.

Wed Apr 21 09:24:24 CDT 1999

Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
	I muck with indices and structs all day
And when it works, I shout hoo-ray
	Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay

Wed Apr 21 19:09:22 CDT 1999

Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

Wed Apr 21 19:24:38 CDT 1999

Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one.
Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.
		-- Lazarus Long

Wed Apr 21 22:51:10 CDT 1999

	"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy?  That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and
women, such as are we all?  And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with
good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's
Machineries of Joy?"
	"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
		-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"

Thu Apr 22 12:49:32 CDT 1999

Peace was the way.
		-- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown

Thu Apr 22 19:19:05 CDT 1999

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what
you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
		-- Mark Twain

Fri Apr 23 16:20:20 CDT 1999

I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!!

Fri Apr 23 23:53:28 CDT 1999

In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.

Sat Apr 24 00:28:47 CDT 1999

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Sat Apr 24 14:51:40 CDT 1999

I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD

Sat Apr 24 22:44:49 CDT 1999

The difference between America and England is that the English think 100
miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Mon Apr 26 09:36:47 CDT 1999

He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.
		-- Benjamin Franklin

Mon Apr 26 09:46:06 CDT 1999

L'etat c'est moi.
	[I am the state.]
		-- Louis XIV

Mon Apr 26 16:55:40 CDT 1999

Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
		-- Terry Southern

Mon Apr 26 23:42:45 CDT 1999

If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.

Tue Apr 27 10:17:03 CDT 1999

We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.
		-- La Rochefoucauld

Tue Apr 27 13:16:30 CDT 1999

Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
		-- Hubert Kirrman

Tue Apr 27 15:03:35 CDT 1999

Absent, adj.:
	Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.

Tue Apr 27 17:21:05 CDT 1999

I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.

Tue Apr 27 20:53:18 CDT 1999

Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!

Wed Apr 28 00:39:56 CDT 1999

What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.

Wed Apr 28 09:57:39 CDT 1999

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Wed Apr 28 20:09:34 CDT 1999

Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!

Wed Apr 28 22:13:02 CDT 1999

Goodbye, cool world.

Thu Apr 29 00:37:45 CDT 1999

Everyone is more or less mad on one point.
		-- Rudyard Kipling

Thu Apr 29 09:07:01 CDT 1999

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like
solitary confinement.

Thu Apr 29 11:00:05 CDT 1999

Paprika Measure:
	2 dashes    ==  1smidgen
	2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch
	3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon
	2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika

Thu Apr 29 12:57:26 CDT 1999

Ehrman's Commentary:
	(1) Things will get worse before they get better.
	(2) Who said things would get better?

Fri Apr 30 11:30:50 CDT 1999

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

Fri Apr 30 23:30:36 CDT 1999

Haste makes waste.
		-- John Heywood

Sat May  1 00:10:48 CDT 1999

One man's constant is another man's variable.
		-- A.J. Perlis

Sat May  1 13:51:04 CDT 1999

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"

Mon May  3 12:29:43 CDT 1999

Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.
		-- Kernighan

Mon May  3 13:56:06 CDT 1999

Each kiss is as the first.
		-- Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome",
		   stardate 4842.6

Mon May  3 14:04:12 CDT 1999

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

Tue May  4 18:08:03 CDT 1999

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
	approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

Tue May  4 19:27:33 CDT 1999

The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.
		-- Irving Howe

Tue May  4 21:59:58 CDT 1999

Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.

Wed May  5 00:10:44 CDT 1999

Once, I read that a man be never stronger than when he truly realizes how
weak he is.
		-- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31"

Wed May  5 14:50:24 CDT 1999

You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt
is concerned.

Wed May  5 15:55:18 CDT 1999

Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.

Wed May  5 22:42:12 CDT 1999

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him.
He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him.
He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.

Thu May  6 00:20:18 CDT 1999

Life is one long struggle in the dark.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus

Thu May  6 07:44:00 CDT 1999

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Thu May  6 08:00:24 CDT 1999

This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough
hunchbacks.

Thu May  6 08:08:43 CDT 1999

	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me a
postcard?"

Thu May  6 11:52:16 CDT 1999

Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than
a gallon of vinegar.
		-- B. Franklin

Thu May  6 17:28:46 CDT 1999

Lee's Law:
	Mother said there would be days like this,
	but she never said that there'd be so many!

Thu May  6 22:05:15 CDT 1999

We are not a clone.

Thu May  6 23:02:15 CDT 1999

	It is always preferable to visit home with a friend.  Your parents will
not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
	The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 
duration of the visit but forever.  The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion:  Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you.
	Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like
to take her home for the holidays.  You are aware of your parents' xenophobic
response to anyone of a different religion.  How to prepare them for the shock?
	Simple.  Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex.  Tell them you have already invited this
person to meet them.  Give the information a moment to sink in and then 
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion.  They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
		-- Playboy, January, 1983

Thu May  6 23:28:35 CDT 1999

	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
	"It is", Kyogen answered.
	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.

Thu May  6 23:32:29 CDT 1999

All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.
		-- Dawkins

Fri May  7 09:32:54 CDT 1999

In charity there is no excess.
		-- Francis Bacon

Fri May  7 10:46:51 CDT 1999

innovate, v.:
	To annoy people.

Fri May  7 14:16:22 CDT 1999

Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a
phenomenon, not a civilization.
		-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"

Fri May  7 20:46:57 CDT 1999

Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
	August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.
		-- Steve Rubenstein

Sat May  8 11:27:15 CDT 1999

Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly
relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with
the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar.
	"At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big dog, too!"

Sat May  8 14:16:56 CDT 1999

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
		-- Lenny Bruce

Sat May  8 16:52:43 CDT 1999

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
		-- Bill Veeck

Sun May  9 11:41:36 CDT 1999

The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths.
		-- Ken Kesey

Sun May  9 23:24:51 CDT 1999

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
	Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Sun May  9 23:25:32 CDT 1999

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
		-- William James

Sun May  9 23:26:11 CDT 1999

The Bible on letters of reference:

	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation

Mon May 10 00:40:08 CDT 1999

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
	-- by Charles Dickens

	A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
	-- by Franz Kafka

	A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
	-- by J.R.R. Tolkien

	Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
	-- by Wm. Shakespeare

	A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
	girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.

Mon May 10 02:14:55 CDT 1999

A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
		-- S. C. Johnson

Mon May 10 10:41:11 CDT 1999

There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.
		-- Walt Disney

Mon May 10 12:31:13 CDT 1999

If I love you, what business is it of yours?
		-- Johann van Goethe

Mon May 10 12:58:40 CDT 1999

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.

Mon May 10 14:18:58 CDT 1999

Dibble's First Law of Sociology:
	Some do, some don't.

Mon May 10 18:32:53 CDT 1999

Antonio Antonio 
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo			Antonio Antonio
Miss Lucamy Lu,				Rode of on his polo ponio
Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio.		And found the maid
					In a bowery shade,
					Sitting and knitting alonio.
Antonio Antonio
Said if you will be my ownio
I'll love tou true			Oh nonio Antonio
And buy for you				You're far too bleak and bonio
An icery creamry conio.			And all that I wish
					You singular fish
					Is that you will quickly begonio.
Antonio Antonio
Uttered a dismal moanio
And went off and hid
Or I'm told that he did
In the Antartical Zonio.

Mon May 10 23:37:50 CDT 1999

"Hello," he lied.
		-- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent

Tue May 11 10:13:40 CDT 1999

For perfect happiness, remember two things:
	(1) Be content with what you've got.
	(2) Be sure you've got plenty.

Tue May 11 10:47:37 CDT 1999

A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
		-- Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4

Tue May 11 14:01:27 CDT 1999

This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!

Tue May 11 15:27:51 CDT 1999

QOTD:
	"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"

Tue May 11 16:05:31 CDT 1999

Where do your SOCKS go when you lose them in th' WASHER?

Wed May 12 01:09:24 CDT 1999

-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited
	carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated
	the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well
	advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.

Wed May 12 11:56:28 CDT 1999

OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS 
Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously 
too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you 
open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone 
drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer 
Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Wed May 12 13:36:15 CDT 1999

	Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode
into the saloon.  As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man
galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'!  Run fer yer lives!"
	Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open.  An enormous man, standing over
eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a
rattlesnake for a whip.  Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over
the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!"
	The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man
guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar.  He then stood aghast as
the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and
smacked his lips with relish.
	"Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered.
	"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted.  "Big Mike's
a-comin'."

Wed May 12 14:30:50 CDT 1999

Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.
		-- Socrates, quoting Plato
	[Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]

Wed May 12 14:54:40 CDT 1999

Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.
		-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"

Wed May 12 14:59:46 CDT 1999

What do I consider a reasonable person to be?  I'd say a reasonable person
is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes
that into account when dealing with others.  Implicit in this definition is
the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to
live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in
others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others.

Wed May 12 15:38:54 CDT 1999

Justice, n.:
	A decision in your favor.

Wed May 12 17:35:12 CDT 1999

Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.

Wed May 12 20:44:39 CDT 1999

We are not a clone.

Wed May 12 21:46:41 CDT 1999

One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is
the knowledge that one can communicate it.
		-- Joyce Carol Oates

Wed May 12 23:03:42 CDT 1999

America: born free and taxed to death.

Thu May 13 00:23:37 CDT 1999

The star of riches is shining upon you.

Thu May 13 09:47:26 CDT 1999

	A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working.  "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
promptly replied.
	"I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully,
how long will it take?"
	The programmer thought for a moment.  "I have some features that I wish
to add.  This will take at least two weeks," he finally said.
	"Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be
satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete."
	The programmer agreed to this.
	Several years later, the manager retired.  On the way to his
retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal.
He had been programming all night.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

Thu May 13 13:12:12 CDT 1999

Rune's Rule:
	If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Thu May 13 14:03:05 CDT 1999

... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the
the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious
failures and the glorious victories.
		-- McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7

Thu May 13 15:00:27 CDT 1999

"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense."

Thu May 13 17:16:00 CDT 1999

love, v.:
	I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.

Thu May 13 22:19:26 CDT 1999

I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
		   in the shade.

Fri May 14 00:22:14 CDT 1999

In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.

Fri May 14 10:17:25 CDT 1999

Wasting time is an important part of living.

Fri May 14 12:44:29 CDT 1999

The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but
not the problem we thought was the problem.
		-- Mike Smith

Sun May 16 20:23:02 CDT 1999

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the
difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
		-- Mark Twain

Sun May 16 20:29:45 CDT 1999

Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

Sun May 16 23:14:12 CDT 1999

Is something VIOLENT going to happen to a GARBAGE CAN?

Mon May 17 01:09:01 CDT 1999

May's Law:
	The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
	of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Mon May 17 09:19:57 CDT 1999

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

Mon May 17 14:29:47 CDT 1999

We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.

Mon May 17 16:33:19 CDT 1999

It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
		-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
 
	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to scheduling.]

Mon May 17 16:37:19 CDT 1999

Hippogriff, n.:
	An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
	The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.
	The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which
	is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full
	of surprises.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mon May 17 21:21:17 CDT 1999

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Mon May 17 21:48:47 CDT 1999

The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine

Mon May 17 22:30:52 CDT 1999

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"

Mon May 17 22:59:05 CDT 1999

I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets
fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Tue May 18 10:12:42 CDT 1999

Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them
continues to pay for it.
		-- Peggy Joyce

Tue May 18 13:10:07 CDT 1999

Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right places!
		-- Mae West

Tue May 18 13:37:16 CDT 1999

Place me on a BUFFER counter while you BELITTLE several BELLHOPS in the
Trianon Room!!  Let me one of your SUBSIDIARIES!

Tue May 18 15:50:03 CDT 1999

When the revolution comes, count your change.

Tue May 18 16:42:17 CDT 1999

Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office.
He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both
holding bags of popcorn.  We were both holding bottles of juice.  But only
*__he* had a lollipop.
	He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
	Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to.  That's
what it means to be a programmer."

Tue May 18 18:41:33 CDT 1999

Put no trust in cryptic comments.

Tue May 18 19:22:35 CDT 1999

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
		-- Jack Paar

Tue May 18 21:26:12 CDT 1999

A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
has no excuse for further procrastination.

Tue May 18 23:12:35 CDT 1999

Error in operator: add beer

Wed May 19 10:34:45 CDT 1999

There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.

Wed May 19 11:51:02 CDT 1999

	A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial
package.
	The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master
reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set
of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface,
but not the slightest mention of anything financial.
	When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant.
"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually."
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

Wed May 19 13:38:09 CDT 1999

Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet?  At one point he definitely states:

	"Natasha!  First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and squirrel."

		-- ihuxw!tommyo

Wed May 19 16:40:51 CDT 1999

It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped
using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys.  Seems that there are not
only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached.  The only
difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental
results to humans.

	[Also, there are some things even a rat won't do.  Ed.]

Wed May 19 19:24:27 CDT 1999

When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.

Thu May 20 01:22:00 CDT 1999

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't,
and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

Thu May 20 01:22:24 CDT 1999

Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
Mental Anguish.  You would sue:

* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
  section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
  into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
  in there".

* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
  cretin like yourself.

* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
  case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
  a large cash settlement anyway.
		-- Dave Barry

Thu May 20 10:08:54 CDT 1999

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
		-- English Professor

Thu May 20 12:39:16 CDT 1999

	A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these
stops and starts get you pretty worn out?"  "It isn't the stops and starts
that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."

Thu May 20 14:53:44 CDT 1999

Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?
A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
	my dissertation to rhyme.

Thu May 20 15:12:44 CDT 1999

[War] is instinctive.  But the instinct can be fought.  We're human
beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands!  But we
can stop it.  We can admit that we're killers ... but we're not going
to kill today.  That's all it takes!  Knowing that we're not going to
kill today!
		-- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0

Thu May 20 17:14:02 CDT 1999

If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.

Thu May 20 18:11:26 CDT 1999

Honorable, adj.:
	Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
	bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as,
	"the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Thu May 20 18:55:15 CDT 1999

If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government. 

Thu May 20 21:53:51 CDT 1999

If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry.
		-- Chinese proverb

Fri May 21 00:49:43 CDT 1999

Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.

Fri May 21 02:33:10 CDT 1999

To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly
strip down your words to naked, willing flesh.
Then bind them to a metaphor or three,
and take by force a satisfying mesh.
Arrange them to your will, each foot in place.
You are the master here, and they the slaves.
Now whip them to maintain a constant pace
and rhythm as they stand in even staves.
A word that strikes no pleasure?  Cast it out!
What use are words that drive not to the heart?
A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt,
and choose more docile words to take its part.
A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain,
by making love directly to the brain.

Fri May 21 09:15:59 CDT 1999

	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
you would pin this on your white meat."

Fri May 21 09:53:08 CDT 1999

Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
cannot be fooled.
		-- R.P. Feynman

Fri May 21 18:42:13 CDT 1999

If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise.
		-- William Blake

Fri May 21 22:07:32 CDT 1999

I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE
and WHEAT THINS ...

Fri May 21 23:10:35 CDT 1999

Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life:
	If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.

Sat May 22 15:01:20 CDT 1999

Dear Lord:
	I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
the other hand", again.

Sat May 22 15:03:07 CDT 1999

Admiration, n.:
	Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Sat May 22 23:15:19 CDT 1999

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435

Sun May 23 12:30:23 CDT 1999

A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create
destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in
turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man
would deliberately go mad to prove his point.
		-- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground"

Sun May 23 16:40:14 CDT 1999

A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
		-- Kipling

Sun May 23 19:47:57 CDT 1999

Thrashing is just virtual crashing.

Sun May 23 22:58:53 CDT 1999

Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!

Mon May 24 01:30:01 CDT 1999

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
		-- Charlie McCarthy

Mon May 24 09:53:47 CDT 1999

The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood
of bean counters.
		-- Alan Kay

Mon May 24 12:38:09 CDT 1999

When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket
and a willingness to compromise.
		-- Weber cartoon caption

Mon May 24 13:14:39 CDT 1999

I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...

Mon May 24 14:36:14 CDT 1999

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less
than half of you half as well as you deserve.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Mon May 24 17:07:07 CDT 1999

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace--
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
		-- Justin Richardson.

Mon May 24 21:07:01 CDT 1999

Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-null bottles of beer,
You take one down, and pass it around,
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

Tue May 25 09:55:28 CDT 1999

MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives
connected by a thin strand.

Come on, Marta, grow up.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Tue May 25 11:04:10 CDT 1999

There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
		-- Italo Svevo

Tue May 25 12:02:04 CDT 1999

You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.

Tue May 25 14:09:58 CDT 1999

God created a few perfect heads.  The rest he covered with hair.

Tue May 25 14:43:09 CDT 1999

He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.

Tue May 25 17:21:09 CDT 1999

In my end is my beginning.
		-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots

Tue May 25 20:35:56 CDT 1999

What happened last night can happen again.

Tue May 25 23:22:01 CDT 1999

Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer.
It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches
over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow
His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that.  On the
other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their
religions.
		-- Benjamin Spock

Tue May 25 23:47:36 CDT 1999

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn

Wed May 26 00:09:10 CDT 1999

You can be replaced by this computer.

Wed May 26 09:27:52 CDT 1999

Accordion, n.:
	A bagpipe with pleats.

Wed May 26 12:28:36 CDT 1999

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to 
read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only 
came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is 
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed 
separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going 
to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Wed May 26 12:51:45 CDT 1999

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Wed May 26 15:07:11 CDT 1999

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
		-- Norm Schryer

Wed May 26 16:14:46 CDT 1999

Many hands make light work.
		-- John Heywood

Wed May 26 16:15:19 CDT 1999

What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond
your control.  But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or
your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control.  If you feel
powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do
with as you will.
		-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen"

Wed May 26 17:27:50 CDT 1999

Lake Erie died for your sins.

Wed May 26 18:53:15 CDT 1999

This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.

Thu May 27 00:51:17 CDT 1999

Command, n.:
	Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
	such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.

Thu May 27 09:34:38 CDT 1999

Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw.
Hundred billion bottles washed up on the shore.
Seems I'm not alone in being alone.
Hundred billion castaways looking for a call.
		-- The Police, "Message in a Bottle"

Thu May 27 11:59:06 CDT 1999

The worst part of valor is indiscretion.

Thu May 27 14:57:52 CDT 1999

Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike the office water cooler.

Thu May 27 16:47:55 CDT 1999

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced
to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
		-- Brendan Behan

Thu May 27 21:29:28 CDT 1999

This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
		-- Found on a door in the MSU music building

Thu May 27 22:03:50 CDT 1999

Uh-oh!!  I'm having TOO MUCH FUN!!

Thu May 27 23:20:17 CDT 1999

Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
		-- Jimmie Durante

Fri May 28 10:29:25 CDT 1999

Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the
old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent
I can find for "landskap").  These laws were written down sometime in the
13th century, but date back even down into Viking times.  The oldest one is
the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some
Christian stuff.  In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the
Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc.  Here is
an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of
"lekare".
	"If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it.  If an artist
	is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with
	fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring
	it out on the hillside.  Then they shall shave off all hair from the
	heifer's tail, and grease the tail.  Then the artist shall be given
	newly greased shoes.  Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail,
	and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip.  If he can hold her, he
	shall have the animal.  If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what
	he received, shame and wounds."

Fri May 28 10:37:16 CDT 1999

Oh, when I was in love with you,
	Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
	How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
	And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
	Am quite myself again.
		-- A. E. Housman

Fri May 28 11:28:06 CDT 1999

WYSIWYG:
	What You See Is What You Get.

Fri May 28 11:33:38 CDT 1999

On ability:
	A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top;
	a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.
		-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD

Fri May 28 11:35:56 CDT 1999

X windows:
	It's not how slow you make it.  It's how you make it slow.
	The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1.
	Built to take on the world... and lose!
	Don't try it 'til you've knocked it.
	Power tools for Power Fools.
	Putting new limits on productivity.
	The closer you look, the cruftier we look.
	Design by counterexample.
	A new level of software disintegration.
	No hardware is safe.
	Do your time.
	Rationalization, not realization.
	Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest.
	Gratuitous incompatibility.
	Your mother.
	THE user interference management system.
	You can't argue with failure.
	You haven't died 'til you've used it.

The environment of today... tomorrow!
	X windows.

Fri May 28 13:30:56 CDT 1999

Q:	What's a light-year?
A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.

Fri May 28 15:55:08 CDT 1999

Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.

Fri May 28 21:44:44 CDT 1999

A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.
		-- Paul Valery

Fri May 28 23:29:21 CDT 1999

The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
		-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)

Fri May 28 23:59:31 CDT 1999

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"

Sat May 29 00:34:24 CDT 1999

	"The pyramid is opening!"
	"Which one?"
	"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At
		   Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"

Sat May 29 00:41:32 CDT 1999

Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer
her by ..."  You could feel the wind at your back, about you ...  the
sounds of the sea beneath you.  And even if you take away the wind and
the water, it's still the same.  The ship is yours ... you can feel her
... and the stars are still there.
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4

Sat May 29 02:41:25 CDT 1999

So this it it.  We're going to die.

Sat May 29 10:10:24 CDT 1999

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today --
I think he's from the CIA.

Sat May 29 13:31:01 CDT 1999

Hand, n.:
	A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
	commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Sat May 29 20:41:50 CDT 1999

War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.
		-- Anacreon

Sat May 29 21:39:22 CDT 1999

Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.

Mon May 31 00:34:54 CDT 1999

Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't
hesitate to ask!

Mon May 31 00:58:49 CDT 1999

Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.

Mon May 31 02:56:10 CDT 1999

Consent decree:
	A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit
	in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it
	never admitted to in the first place.

Mon May 31 09:26:39 CDT 1999

Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?

Mon May 31 11:13:03 CDT 1999

Life, like beer, is merely borrowed.
		-- Don Reed

Mon May 31 11:16:39 CDT 1999

I always will remember --		I was in no mood to trifle;
'Twas a year ago November --		I got down my trusty rifle
I went out to shoot some deer		And went out to stalk my prey --
On a morning bright and clear.		What a haul I made that day!
I went and shot the maximum		I tied them to my bumper and
The game laws would allow:		I drove them home somehow,
Two game wardens, seven hunters,	Two game wardens, seven hunters,
And a cow.				And a cow.

The Law was very firm, it		People ask me how I do it
Took away my permit--			And I say, "There's nothin' to it!
The worst punishment I ever endured.	You just stand there lookin' cute,
It turns out there was a reason:	And when something moves, you shoot."
Cows were out of season, and		And there's ten stuffed heads
One of the hunters wasn't insured.	In my trophy room right now:
					Two game wardens, seven hunters,
					And a pure-bred guernsey cow.
		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song"

Mon May 31 12:03:01 CDT 1999

When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.

Mon May 31 12:21:03 CDT 1999

It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.

Mon May 31 21:30:01 CDT 1999

No directory.

Mon May 31 23:17:37 CDT 1999

You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend,
You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end.

(chorus)	Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day,
		Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way.

You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park,
You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark.
(chorus)

You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt,
You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't.
(chorus)

Tue Jun  1 00:27:51 CDT 1999

If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them
and elect a new people?

Tue Jun  1 01:16:53 CDT 1999

The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be
anything left worth inheriting.

Thu Jun  3 17:56:45 CDT 1999

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
		-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"

Thu Jun  3 17:57:08 CDT 1999

Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate.  The first man said,
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The second man said,
"He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his chambers, and spent an hour
trying to bite his own ear.  He succeeded only in falling over and bruising
his forehead.  Returning to the courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the
man whose ear was bitten. If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and
the case is dismissed.  If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it
and must pay three silver pieces."

Fri Jun  4 00:40:58 CDT 1999

You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his
favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...

Fri Jun  4 09:29:41 CDT 1999

The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut.  To reveal
an artist to the people can be to destroy him.  It isn't to anyone's
advantage to see the truth.
		-- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer

Fri Jun  4 13:29:40 CDT 1999

If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
		-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"

Fri Jun  4 23:28:23 CDT 1999

"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."

(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
		-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)

Sat Jun  5 00:04:31 CDT 1999

A woman should have compassion.
		-- Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2

Sat Jun  5 01:16:04 CDT 1999

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
		-- Steven Wright

Sat Jun  5 12:47:28 CDT 1999

There is a fly on your nose.

Sat Jun  5 16:29:39 CDT 1999

Lowery's Law:
	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Sat Jun  5 17:36:56 CDT 1999

Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant.  While describing his
duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee
table and warned him that he was not to take any.  Some days later, the new
manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some
of the candy.  Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the
candy, and said:
	"Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?"

Sat Jun  5 22:41:38 CDT 1999

Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll.
Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?"

In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?"
In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?"
In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?"
In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?"

Sat Jun  5 23:00:20 CDT 1999

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Sat Jun  5 23:06:27 CDT 1999

The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
		-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"

Sat Jun  5 23:22:46 CDT 1999

Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded
to say it.
		-- James Russell Lowell

Sun Jun  6 12:15:18 CDT 1999

The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
		-- Lew Mammel, Jr.

Sun Jun  6 17:10:27 CDT 1999

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Corollary:
	Following the rules will not get the job done.

Sun Jun  6 17:17:30 CDT 1999

"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."
		-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435

Mon Jun  7 00:09:09 CDT 1999

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

Mon Jun  7 09:23:52 CDT 1999

You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.

Mon Jun  7 23:42:28 CDT 1999

To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.
		-- Norman Douglas

Tue Jun  8 16:02:56 CDT 1999

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Tue Jun  8 17:32:36 CDT 1999

Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
		-- Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever",
		   stardate unknown

Wed Jun  9 01:28:02 CDT 1999

To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize
the competent.

Wed Jun  9 10:06:35 CDT 1999

QOTD:
	Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE?
	Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...

Wed Jun  9 11:46:02 CDT 1999

A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
was intended for her preservation.
		-- Colton

Wed Jun  9 14:25:04 CDT 1999

Include me out.

Wed Jun  9 16:49:03 CDT 1999

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a
simple system that works.

Wed Jun  9 21:17:47 CDT 1999

Stult's Report:
	Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is
	fight the solutions.

Thu Jun 10 18:14:27 CDT 1999

A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems
have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects,
those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are
the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers.  Consider Unix,
APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them
with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS.
		-- Fred Brooks

Thu Jun 10 22:05:28 CDT 1999

I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
		-- Lenny Bruce

Thu Jun 10 22:13:28 CDT 1999

The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.

Thu Jun 10 23:21:15 CDT 1999

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance
of turning around three times before lying down.
		-- Robert Benchley

Fri Jun 11 21:34:47 CDT 1999

Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood.

Sun Jun 13 18:36:36 CDT 1999

Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!

Sun Jun 13 21:57:07 CDT 1999

At the foot of the mountain, thunder:
The image of Providing Nourishment.
Thus the superior man is careful of his words
And temperate in eating and drinking.

Sun Jun 13 23:01:00 CDT 1999

Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
As human gods aim for their mark,
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.
		-- Bob Dylan

Mon Jun 14 09:16:04 CDT 1999

Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs
in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a
university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two
3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.

Mon Jun 14 09:19:21 CDT 1999

Gnagloot, n.:
	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
	impress people.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Mon Jun 14 11:22:52 CDT 1999

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear.  Except a
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
a loose misapplication of the word.  Consider the flea!--incomparably the
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. 
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
an earthquake ten centuries before.  When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
put him at the head of the procession.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Mon Jun 14 16:10:32 CDT 1999

Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

Mon Jun 14 17:58:24 CDT 1999

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
		-- R. Geis

Mon Jun 14 23:19:53 CDT 1999

The Great Movie Posters:

The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing
horror on a screaming world!
		-- The Crawling Eye (1958)

SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, scyscraper limbs,
giant desires!
		-- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958)

Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex.
What Should a Movie Do?  Hide Its Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich?
Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does...
		-- The Desperate Women (1958)

Mon Jun 14 23:22:40 CDT 1999

A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.
		-- Ogden Nash

Tue Jun 15 08:39:28 CDT 1999

"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."
		-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28,
		   1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view
		   of the grandstands.

Tue Jun 15 09:47:20 CDT 1999

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But
conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"

Tue Jun 15 11:04:20 CDT 1999

Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.

Tue Jun 15 22:30:34 CDT 1999

	Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
the father spanked them.  His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."

Wed Jun 16 09:41:16 CDT 1999

Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big
store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable
prices?  Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home
center.  And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all
over the United States.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Wed Jun 16 17:01:51 CDT 1999

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can
neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
		-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse"

	[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
	 referring to powerfail recovery.]

Thu Jun 17 00:30:17 CDT 1999

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
		-- Baskins

Thu Jun 17 09:41:08 CDT 1999

You will triumph over your enemy.

Thu Jun 17 16:47:27 CDT 1999

Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.
		-- Henry David Thoreau

Thu Jun 17 19:04:30 CDT 1999

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.

Thu Jun 17 22:11:57 CDT 1999

Nothing succeeds like excess.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Fri Jun 18 00:18:08 CDT 1999

There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical
education is also political because it is purposely isolating.

Fri Jun 18 00:27:31 CDT 1999

In the next world, you're on your own.

Fri Jun 18 09:15:19 CDT 1999

The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.
		-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)

Fri Jun 18 10:42:14 CDT 1999

How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

Fri Jun 18 13:13:30 CDT 1999

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
		-- Kin Hubbard

Fri Jun 18 13:49:11 CDT 1999

I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that's what
sophisticated is -- being tired.
		-- Rita Gain

Fri Jun 18 18:36:41 CDT 1999

I lay my head on the railroad tracks,
Waitin' for the double E.
The railroad don't run no more.
Poor poor pitiful me.			[chorus]
	Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me.
	These young girls won't let me be,
	Lord have mercy on me!
	Woe is me!

Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood,
Well, I ain't naming names.
But she really worked me over good,
She was just like Jesse James.
She really worked me over good,
She was a credit to her gender.
She put me through some changes, boy,
Sort of like a Waring blender.		[chorus]

I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar,
She asked me if I'd beat her.
She took me back to the Hyatt House,
I don't want to talk about it.		[chorus]
		-- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me"

Sat Jun 19 00:41:03 CDT 1999

However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional
manner ... sulking and nausea.
		-- Tom K. Ryan

Sat Jun 19 08:50:20 CDT 1999

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
		-- Fred Allen

Sat Jun 19 09:52:20 CDT 1999

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar

Sat Jun 19 10:57:52 CDT 1999

If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
		-- Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7

Sat Jun 19 12:51:17 CDT 1999

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.

Sun Jun 20 15:44:16 CDT 1999

There's little in taking or giving,
	There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
	Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
	The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
	And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
	And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
	Would you kindly direct me to hell?
		-- Dorothy Parker

Sun Jun 20 20:36:14 CDT 1999

Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have
more lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

Sun Jun 20 23:09:41 CDT 1999

C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that
harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Mon Jun 21 01:02:33 CDT 1999

Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
		-- Joe Cointment

Mon Jun 21 10:09:31 CDT 1999

Benson's Dogma:
	ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.

Mon Jun 21 10:56:57 CDT 1999

	An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same
time.  One was named Edith; the other named Kate.  They met, discovered they
had the same fiancee, and told him.  "Get out of our lives you rascal.  We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

Mon Jun 21 14:29:56 CDT 1999

Elegance and truth are inversely related.
		-- Becker's Razor

Mon Jun 21 15:24:39 CDT 1999

Christmas time is here, by Golly;	Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens;
Disapproval would be folly;		Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens;
Deck the halls with hunks of holly;	Even though the prospect sickens,
Fill the cup and don't say when...	Brother, here we go again.

On Christmas day, you can't get sore;	Relations sparing no expense'll,
Your fellow man you must adore;		Send some useless old utensil,
There's time to rob him all the more,	Or a matching pen and pencil,
The other three hundred and sixty-four!	Just the thing I need... how nice.

It doesn't matter how sincere		Hark The Herald-Tribune sings,
It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit;	Advertising wondrous things.
Sentiment will not endear it;		God Rest Ye Merry Merchants,
What's important is... the price.	May you make the Yuletide pay.
					Angels We Have Heard On High,
Let the raucous sleighbells jingle;	Tell us to go out and buy.
Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle,	Sooooo...
Driving his reindeer across the sky,
Don't stand underneath when they fly by!
		-- Tom Lehrer

Mon Jun 21 16:51:56 CDT 1999

incentive program, n.:
	The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses
	to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with
	profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective
	incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to
	keep it."

Tue Jun 22 09:31:59 CDT 1999

Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do,
but it doesn't get you anywhere.

Tue Jun 22 09:32:16 CDT 1999

Half a mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Tue Jun 22 10:08:01 CDT 1999

Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.

Tue Jun 22 11:58:24 CDT 1999

Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Tue Jun 22 19:03:47 CDT 1999

Faith is under the left nipple.
		-- Martin Luther

Tue Jun 22 22:01:49 CDT 1999

O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the
thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.
	"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"
	"Four."
	"And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?"
	"Four."
	The word ended in a gasp of pain.
		-- George Orwell

Tue Jun 22 23:18:56 CDT 1999

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set:

PI	Punch Invalid
POPI	Punch Operator Immediately
PVLC	Punch Variable Length Card
RASC	Read And Shred Card
RPM	Read Programmers Mind
RSSC	reduce speed, step carefully  (for improved accuracy)
RTAB	Rewind tape and break
RWDSK	rewind disk
RWOC	Read Writing On Card
SCRBL	scribble to disk  - faster than a write
SLC	Search for Lost Chord
SPSW	Scramble Program Status Word
SRSD	Seek Record and Scar Disk
STROM	Store in Read Only Memory
TDB	Transfer and Drop Bit
WBT	Water Binary Tree

Wed Jun 23 00:38:44 CDT 1999

Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high,
they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.
		-- Terry Southern

Wed Jun 23 13:13:28 CDT 1999

I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.
		-- Richard Burton

Wed Jun 23 19:16:55 CDT 1999

flannister, n.:
	The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Wed Jun 23 21:14:13 CDT 1999

There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
		-- Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9

Wed Jun 23 23:36:17 CDT 1999

Bit off more than my mind could chew,
Shower or suicide, what do I do?
		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"

Thu Jun 24 11:20:43 CDT 1999

Tim and I a hunting went
We found three damsels in a tent,
As they were three, and we were two,
I bucked one and Timbuktu.
		-- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu"

Thu Jun 24 23:08:57 CDT 1999

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

Thu Jun 24 23:42:02 CDT 1999

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably
not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
		-- H.L. Mencken

Thu Jun 24 23:59:17 CDT 1999

Advertising Rule:
	In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
	reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 
	that it is curable.

Fri Jun 25 00:26:53 CDT 1999

Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.

Fri Jun 25 00:49:55 CDT 1999

British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive
it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.
		-- Peter Ustinov

Fri Jun 25 12:46:00 CDT 1999

April is the cruellest month...
		-- Thomas Stearns Eliot

Fri Jun 25 22:34:05 CDT 1999

First study the enemy.  Seek weakness.
		-- Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2

Sat Jun 26 13:05:26 CDT 1999

There but for the grace of God, goes God.
		-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.

Sat Jun 26 20:47:28 CDT 1999

What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to
win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent?
In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded
that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the
simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life.  First, a
base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done.  Second,
a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human
activities must exist.  Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses
the national attention upon the direction to proceed.  Finally, an articulate
and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with
words and action the great thing to be accomplished.  The motivation of young
Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of
conditions. ...  The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John
Kennedys appear.  We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they,
and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward.
		-- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt

Sun Jun 27 01:40:14 CDT 1999

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
		-- The Adventurer

Sun Jun 27 23:25:57 CDT 1999

"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night
hacking (and/or conversations with God)."
(By Matt Welsh)

Mon Jun 28 00:29:52 CDT 1999

bureaucrat, n:
	A politician who has tenure.

Mon Jun 28 14:36:51 CDT 1999

We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
		-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer

Mon Jun 28 22:51:49 CDT 1999

Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
		-- John Keats

Tue Jun 29 00:12:05 CDT 1999

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but
that's the way to bet.
		-- Damon Runyon

Tue Jun 29 09:00:19 CDT 1999

May you have many handsome and obedient sons.

Wed Jun 30 09:19:39 CDT 1999

I saw what you did and I know who you are.

Wed Jun 30 14:02:21 CDT 1999

	Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the
functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that
the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free.
	However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the
diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and
square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the
date of purchase.
	NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS
DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING
ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR
CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
		-- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual

Wed Jun 30 16:32:22 CDT 1999

[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are
two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity:

(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and
    confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold
    a press conference where you announce that they have a street value
    of $850 million.  These raids never fail, because ALL high schools,
    including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana
    cigarettes in the lockers.  As far as anyone can tell, the locker
    factory puts them there.
(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you
    announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a
    piece of human sleaze.  This also never fails, because you always
    get a conviction.  A juror at a pornography trial is not about to
    state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie
    where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a
    fire extinguisher.  He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and
    vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong
    impression.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"

Wed Jun 30 20:18:34 CDT 1999

Gnagloot, n.:
	A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
	impress people.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Wed Jun 30 23:18:03 CDT 1999

Psychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter.
Never mind.

Thu Jul  1 12:05:15 CDT 1999

Ferguson's Precept:
	A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."

Thu Jul  1 23:20:13 CDT 1999

A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember
your birthday when you never look any older?"

Fri Jul  2 00:30:05 CDT 1999

There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes
to visit.

Fri Jul  2 09:32:01 CDT 1999

There are new messages.

Fri Jul  2 13:06:20 CDT 1999

In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.

Fri Jul  2 22:41:51 CDT 1999

The only rose without thorns is friendship.

Sat Jul  3 00:55:10 CDT 1999

Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:

With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
Helpless users with projects due
Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!

Oh, no!  He says Unix runs too slow!  Go, go, DECzilla!
Oh, yes!  He's gonna bring up VMS!  Go, go, DECzilla!"

* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation.
* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
		-- Curtis Jackson

Sat Jul  3 10:14:20 CDT 1999

Mother is the invention of necessity.

Sun Jul  4 12:37:44 CDT 1999

	I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more.  I knew that he disliked
me to cry.
	This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better
to weep."
	I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come
back; I would be nice."
	Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always."
	"Oh, not enough."
	"Nobody can give anybody enough."
	"Not ever?"
	"No, not ever.  But one must go on trying."
	"And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?"
	"Rarely," said Francis.  I went on weeping; I saw how little I had
valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine.
		-- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs"

Mon Jul  5 12:23:19 CDT 1999

Great American Axiom:
	Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

Mon Jul  5 17:53:05 CDT 1999

I enjoy the time that we spend together.

Tue Jul  6 20:25:05 CDT 1999

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.

Wed Jul  7 11:18:34 CDT 1999

If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
		-- Graham Summer

Wed Jul  7 14:35:30 CDT 1999

As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them
with much more enthusiasm.
		-- The Cowboy

Wed Jul  7 20:10:04 CDT 1999

Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.

Thu Jul  8 09:40:50 CDT 1999

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
		-- Norm Crosby

Thu Jul  8 14:32:47 CDT 1999

FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23
	Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.

Thu Jul  8 16:07:03 CDT 1999

All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.
		-- Groucho Marx

Fri Jul  9 00:08:48 CDT 1999

One learns to itch where one can scratch.
		-- Ernest Bramah

Fri Jul  9 07:51:17 CDT 1999

Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.
		-- Socrates, quoting Plato
	[Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]

Sat Jul 10 01:14:09 CDT 1999

Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes
may not be the same.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

Sun Jul 11 02:44:07 CDT 1999

The SAME WAVE keeps coming in and COLLAPSING like a rayon MUU-MUU ...

Sun Jul 11 15:03:13 CDT 1999

Let no guilty man escape.
		-- U.S. Grant

Sun Jul 11 18:18:10 CDT 1999

Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.

Sun Jul 11 19:18:53 CDT 1999

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

Sun Jul 11 21:04:20 CDT 1999

It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.
		-- Crazy Charlie

Sun Jul 11 23:07:49 CDT 1999

Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me,
"How good, how good does it feel to be free?"
And I answer them most mysteriously:
"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?"
		-- Bob Dylan

Mon Jul 12 23:51:09 CDT 1999

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.

Tue Jul 13 09:12:59 CDT 1999

She sells cshs by the cshore.

Tue Jul 13 13:07:51 CDT 1999

Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she
said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and
released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her
right cheek.  She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she
learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball.  She told the
writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your
newspaper.  I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed.  *Especially* to
bed.  Guys were after me like you can't believe.  That's when I started
chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not
as bad as this.  This is the worst chew in the world.  After this,
everything else is peaches and cream."  The writers elected Gentleman Jim,
the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted,
and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he
couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for
two years?  God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman."
		-- Garrison Keillor

Tue Jul 13 19:17:58 CDT 1999

And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man
with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.

Tue Jul 13 19:49:33 CDT 1999

Used staples are good with SOY SAUCE!

Tue Jul 13 20:11:05 CDT 1999

brain, n:
	The apparatus with which we think that we think.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Tue Jul 13 21:32:15 CDT 1999

Pecor's Health-Food Principle:
	Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.

Tue Jul 13 23:32:56 CDT 1999

Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they
had towels from my house.
		-- Mark Guido

Wed Jul 14 00:21:31 CDT 1999

Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.

Wed Jul 14 08:26:40 CDT 1999

Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.

Wed Jul 14 14:06:00 CDT 1999

There are three schools of magic.  One:  State a tautology, then ring the
changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy.  Two:  Record many facts.
Try to find a pattern.  Then make a wrong guess at the next fact; that's
science.  Three:  Be aware that you live in a malevolent Universe controlled
by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's Factor; that's engineering.

Wed Jul 14 18:03:40 CDT 1999

My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.

Wed Jul 14 18:05:27 CDT 1999

Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which
side I'm on.

Thu Jul 15 14:50:07 CDT 1999

Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.

Thu Jul 15 23:38:01 CDT 1999

To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a
test load.

Fri Jul 16 09:15:24 CDT 1999

Give him an evasive answer.

Fri Jul 16 14:33:41 CDT 1999

A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon
discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled.  At about 5,000 feet,
still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the
same speed as he was going towards the ground.  As they passed each other at
3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?"
	The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO!  DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?"

Fri Jul 16 22:39:41 CDT 1999

Sam:  What's new, Norm?
Norm: Most of my wife.
		-- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One

Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm:  Naah, I'd probably just drink it.
		-- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Coach: What's doing, Norm?
Norm:  Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.  I happen
       to be the guinea pig.
		-- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways

Sat Jul 17 01:01:53 CDT 1999

There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and
those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two.
(From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)

Sun Jul 18 00:42:29 CDT 1999

The Great Movie Posters:

A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an
unimaginable hell.
		-- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967)

NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL!
		-- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968)

LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF SLAUGHTER!
		-- Five Bloody Graves (1969)

The family that slays together stays together.
		-- Bloody Mama (1970)

Sun Jul 18 11:50:42 CDT 1999

What we Are is God's gift to us.
What we Become is our gift to God.

Sun Jul 18 17:15:59 CDT 1999

The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from
sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.
		--Salvador De Madariaga

Mon Jul 19 00:34:15 CDT 1999

				UNIX Trix

For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will
save your support staff a few hours of precious time.  Before you send your
next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd
to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk.  Now when they
forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct
the damage.  Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea
either.  If you need some help, give us a call.
		-- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems

Mon Jul 19 20:41:22 CDT 1999

It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson

Mon Jul 19 23:28:30 CDT 1999

Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.

Tue Jul 20 23:21:10 CDT 1999

comment:
	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
	to those who think they aren't.

Wed Jul 21 16:14:14 CDT 1999

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.  Let the reader
catch his own breath.
		-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

Wed Jul 21 17:35:54 CDT 1999

Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a
totally awwwesome Apple.  Fer suuure.  I mean Apples are nice you know?
But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE says that
VAX's are cooler!  I mean I don't really know, you know? He says that he
has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed with memory-to-the-max!
Right, yeah.  And he wants to take me home to show it to me.  Oh My God!
I'm suuure.  Gag me with a Prime!

Sat Jul 24 16:37:12 CDT 1999

FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#16

Relationships:
	First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he
refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular
basis".
	When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".  Then
she will get on with her life.
	A man has a little more trouble letting go.  Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I
hate you, and you're a total floozy.  But I want you to know that there's
always a chance for us".  This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once.  There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas,
these classes rarely prove effective.

Sat Jul 24 16:49:17 CDT 1999

Grelb's Reminder:
	Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
	average drivers.

Sat Jul 24 20:55:20 CDT 1999

The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer.
The haves get more, the have-nots die.

Sun Jul 25 09:51:08 CDT 1999

That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.
		-- Moliere

Sun Jul 25 20:27:09 CDT 1999

The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive?
2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"

Sun Jul 25 23:19:23 CDT 1999

Davis's Dictum:
	Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.

Mon Jul 26 09:01:27 CDT 1999

I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.
		-- David Rockefeller

Mon Jul 26 13:38:09 CDT 1999

"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."

Mon Jul 26 23:34:51 CDT 1999

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?
		-- H.G. Wells

Tue Jul 27 08:51:35 CDT 1999

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Tue Jul 27 13:21:22 CDT 1999

Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.

Wed Jul 28 13:57:11 CDT 1999

Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?

Wed Jul 28 14:06:30 CDT 1999

OS/2 Skyways:
The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling
about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a
good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel
walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing
from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the
field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these
new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they
will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight
systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer.

Wed Jul 28 19:40:28 CDT 1999

I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on
the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Wed Jul 28 22:11:11 CDT 1999

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
		-- Noelie Alito

Wed Jul 28 22:36:43 CDT 1999

Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.

Thu Jul 29 09:33:01 CDT 1999

Mitchell's Law of Committees:
	Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
	held to discuss it.

Thu Jul 29 15:59:32 CDT 1999

"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."

Thu Jul 29 22:36:12 CDT 1999

My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce
and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.
		-- Senator Hubert Humphrey

Thu Jul 29 23:09:05 CDT 1999

Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.

Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.

Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" [or "Not so Deep as a Well"?]

Thu Jul 29 23:12:47 CDT 1999

Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
		-- Homer

Fri Jul 30 10:16:25 CDT 1999

Madness has no purpose.  Or reason.  But it may have a goal.
		-- Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7

Fri Jul 30 13:10:35 CDT 1999

GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.

Fri Jul 30 17:34:15 CDT 1999

You know your apartment is small...
	when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.
	you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.
	you have to go outside to change your mind.
	you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.

Fri Jul 30 17:36:44 CDT 1999

If you want divine justice, die.
		-- Nick Seldon

Sat Jul 31 02:01:35 CDT 1999

Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
	And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
	Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.

On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
	But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
	I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
		-- Core Dumped Blues

Sat Jul 31 14:04:35 CDT 1999

X windows:
	Accept any substitute.
	If it's broke, don't fix it.
	If it ain't broke, fix it.
	Form follows malfunction.
	The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence.
	The trailing edge of software technology.
	Armageddon never looked so good.
	Japan's secret weapon.
	You'll envy the dead.
	Making the world safe for competing window systems.
	Let it get in YOUR way.
	The problem for your problem.
	If it starts working, we'll fix it.  Pronto.
	It could be worse, but it'll take time.
	Simplicity made complex.
	The greatest productivity aid since typhoid.
	Flakey and built to stay that way.

One thousand monkeys.  One thousand MicroVAXes.  One thousand years.
	X windows.

Sat Jul 31 15:19:43 CDT 1999

So many women; so little nerve.

Sat Jul 31 17:23:01 CDT 1999

Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use
this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.
		-- Machiavelli

Sat Jul 31 20:34:49 CDT 1999

Taxes, n.:
	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
	an extension.

Sat Jul 31 21:23:06 CDT 1999

In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.

Sun Aug  1 00:35:09 CDT 1999

A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
in than some that do.
		-- Dennis M. Ritchie

Sun Aug  1 08:04:31 CDT 1999

Absence makes the heart forget.

Sun Aug  1 11:58:50 CDT 1999

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was
the closest our country has ever been to being even.
	-- The Best of Will Rogers

Sun Aug  1 21:34:42 CDT 1999

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
		-- Woody Allen

Mon Aug  2 10:00:11 CDT 1999

Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter.

Mon Aug  2 11:15:25 CDT 1999

Hale Mail Rule, The:
	When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least
	one of the following:
		(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.
		(b) Stationery.
		(c) Postage stamp.
		(d) The letter you are answering.

Mon Aug  2 14:14:03 CDT 1999

Everyone who comes in here wants three things:
	(1) They want it quick.
	(2) They want it good.
	(3) They want it cheap.
I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.
		-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company

Mon Aug  2 15:19:30 CDT 1999

I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"

Mon Aug  2 15:19:52 CDT 1999

Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you
suffer.

Mon Aug  2 16:12:20 CDT 1999

May all your PUSHes be POPped.

Mon Aug  2 23:04:02 CDT 1999

And this is a table ma'am.  What in essence it consists of is a horizontal
rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports,
which we call legs.  The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced
in design as one will find anywhere in the world.
		-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"

Mon Aug  2 23:54:58 CDT 1999

Kington's Law of Perforation:
	If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such
	as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest
	part of the paper.

Tue Aug  3 10:14:33 CDT 1999

A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.

Tue Aug  3 11:32:45 CDT 1999

No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
		-- Fran Lebowitz

Tue Aug  3 13:40:16 CDT 1999

Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."

Tue Aug  3 14:28:30 CDT 1999

The search for the perfect martini is a fraud.  The perfect martini is
a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings
of civilization.
		-- T.K.

Tue Aug  3 18:15:18 CDT 1999

To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.
		-- Eugene Ionesco

Tue Aug  3 19:39:19 CDT 1999

	Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property
of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane
complexities.  Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to
obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science.
	Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is
available to anyone.
		-- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid"

Tue Aug  3 22:16:34 CDT 1999

Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)

Tue Aug  3 23:49:28 CDT 1999

... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.

Wed Aug  4 08:56:38 CDT 1999

Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?
A:	Moby Pickle.

Wed Aug  4 10:30:58 CDT 1999

She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.
		-- Tommy Manville

Wed Aug  4 11:09:51 CDT 1999

Taxes, n.:
	Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
	an extension.

Wed Aug  4 12:19:47 CDT 1999

Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
	The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
	for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
	cheerfully baste you.
		-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82

Wed Aug  4 16:08:42 CDT 1999

Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night!

Wed Aug  4 19:34:41 CDT 1999

Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.

Wed Aug  4 20:28:40 CDT 1999

Eureka!
		-- Archimedes

Wed Aug  4 23:25:03 CDT 1999

Failed Attempts To Break Records
	In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break
the world shouting record by two and a half decibels.  "I am not surprised
he failed," his wife said afterwards.  "He's really a very quiet man and
doesn't even shout at me."
	In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the
record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours.
	His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended
after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace.
"People complained I was too noisy," he said.
	In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across
the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes.  "It was raining heavily and my
drone got waterlogged," he said.
	A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000
dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978.  97,500 dominoes
had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

Wed Aug  4 23:42:12 CDT 1999

A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side.  Knowing
that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker
watched the teacher closely.  "Why do you blow on your hands?"  "To warm
myself in the cold."  Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself
and the newcomer, and blew on his own.  "Why are you doing that, Master?"
"To cool the soup."  Unable to trust a man who uses the same process
to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed.

Thu Aug  5 09:41:00 CDT 1999

The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does
not approach what your best friends say behind your back.
		-- Alfred De Musset

Thu Aug  5 10:18:20 CDT 1999

"A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the
net."
(David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.)

Thu Aug  5 13:48:28 CDT 1999

Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
		-- Spinoza

Thu Aug  5 14:11:43 CDT 1999

Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.

Thu Aug  5 16:21:43 CDT 1999

	"We've got a problem, HAL".
	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"

Thu Aug  5 18:07:10 CDT 1999

The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the
perfect partner, you're home free.  Unfortunately, falling out of love
seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it.

Thu Aug  5 19:14:10 CDT 1999

Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
the dance floor.  Now everyone's doing it.  It's called grand slam dancing.
		-- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83

Thu Aug  5 23:06:31 CDT 1999

Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	ar t "God"
	drink < bottle; opener			(Bourne Shell)
	cat "food in tin cans"			(all but 4.[23]BSD)
	Hey UNIX!  Got a match?			(V6 or C shell)
	mkdir matter; cat > matter		(Bourne Shell)
	rm God
	man: Why did you get a divorce?		(C shell)
	date me					(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	make "heads or tails of all this"
	who is smart
						(C shell)
	If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have?
	sleep with me				(anything up to 4.3BSD)

Fri Aug  6 00:36:49 CDT 1999

Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!

Fri Aug  6 10:02:27 CDT 1999

The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound.
In town a noun might wear a gown,
or further down, might dress a clown.
A noun that's sound would never clown,
but unsound nouns jump up and down.
The sound of a noun could distrub the plowing,
and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound.
But please don't let that get you down,
the renown of your gown is the talk of the town.
		-- A. Nonnie Mouse

Fri Aug  6 10:18:46 CDT 1999

You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
supercomputers.
		-- Steven Feiner

Fri Aug  6 10:47:50 CDT 1999

You cannot use your friends and have them too.

Fri Aug  6 11:57:49 CDT 1999

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Fri Aug  6 12:07:05 CDT 1999

You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"

Fri Aug  6 12:41:14 CDT 1999

I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.

Fri Aug  6 12:49:20 CDT 1999

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not
become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks
into you.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Fri Aug  6 12:56:13 CDT 1999

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

Fri Aug  6 16:00:46 CDT 1999

The difference between us is not very far,
cruising for burgers in daddy's new car.

Fri Aug  6 18:06:41 CDT 1999

Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than
where they are.

Fri Aug  6 18:59:35 CDT 1999

Bahdges?  We don't need no stinkin' bahdges!
		-- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre"

Fri Aug  6 23:23:08 CDT 1999

Do you suffer painful elimination?
		-- Don Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos"

Do you suffer painful recrimination?
		-- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms"

Do you suffer painful illumination?
		-- Isaac Newton, "Optics"

Do you suffer painful hallucination?
		-- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda

Sat Aug  7 09:05:27 CDT 1999

Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred,
Tan me hide when I'm dead.
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
It's hanging there on the shed.

All together now...
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
	Tie me kangaroo down.
	Tie me kangaroo down, sport,
	Tie me kangaroo down.

Sat Aug  7 09:28:52 CDT 1999

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15
A:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?

Sat Aug  7 10:40:57 CDT 1999

Life is like a tin of sardines.
We're, all of us, looking for the key.
		-- Beyond the Fringe

Sat Aug  7 11:34:00 CDT 1999

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Sat Aug  7 17:22:49 CDT 1999

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

Sat Aug  7 18:04:21 CDT 1999

Never trust anyone who says money is no object.

Sat Aug  7 18:31:19 CDT 1999

	There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the
warlord of Wu.  The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design:
an accounting package or an operating system?"
	"An operating system," replied the programmer.
	The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief.  "Surely an
accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating
system," he said.
	"Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package,
the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas:
how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to
the tax laws.  By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside
appearances.  When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the
simplest harmony between machine and ideas.  This is why an operating system
is easier to design."
	The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled.  "That is all good and well, but
which is easier to debug?"
	The programmer made no reply.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

Sun Aug  8 02:02:36 CDT 1999

Alone, adj.:
	In bad company.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Sun Aug  8 02:09:34 CDT 1999

You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You wake up face down on the pavement.
(2)	Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
(3)	You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes
		out of the city.
(4)	Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
(5)	You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then
		remember that you don't have a waterbed.
(6)	Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate.

Sun Aug  8 08:44:16 CDT 1999

HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)

Sun Aug  8 12:17:43 CDT 1999

Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Wed Aug 11 18:27:02 CDT 1999

He who loses, wins the race,
And parallel lines meet in space.
		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"

Wed Aug 11 19:14:20 CDT 1999

	Eeyore, the old grey Donkey, stood by the side of the stream, and
looked at himself in the water.
	"Pathetic," he said.  "That's what it is.  Pathetic."
	He turned and walked slowly down the stream for twenty yards,
splashed across it, and walked slowly back on the other side.  Then he
looked at himself again.
	"As I thought," he said, "no better from *____this* side.  But nobody
minds.  Nobody cares.  Pathetic, that's what it is.
		-- A.A. Milne, "Winnie the Pooh," Chapter VI, "In Which Eeyore
		   Has a Birthday and Gets Two Presents"

Wed Aug 11 20:13:38 CDT 1999

Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"

Wed Aug 11 22:04:35 CDT 1999

There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead
armadillos.
		-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner

Thu Aug 12 01:27:42 CDT 1999

"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like."
		-- Avon

Thu Aug 12 09:02:25 CDT 1999

Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do;
don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you;
don't let nobody tell you what you got to do,
or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow...
remember, if you don't follow your dreams,
you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow...
		-- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow"

Thu Aug 12 21:35:18 CDT 1999

Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the
former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free.

Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and
reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space.  In those days, spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women
and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri.  And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty
deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus
was the Empire forged.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"

Thu Aug 12 22:22:56 CDT 1999

You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.  A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic.  He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order.  It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent.  Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before.  It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
		-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"

Fri Aug 13 09:45:05 CDT 1999

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.

Sat Aug 14 00:05:56 CDT 1999

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.
		-- Nathaniel Howe

Sat Aug 14 10:33:08 CDT 1999

It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.

Sat Aug 14 12:17:22 CDT 1999

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

Wed Aug 18 17:39:39 CDT 1999

Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time?
It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine
Have made my days and nights imperishable,
Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore,
Innumerable atoms; and one desert,
Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break,
But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks,
Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness.

Wed Aug 18 17:42:37 CDT 1999

Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed.  It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Wed Aug 18 21:53:58 CDT 1999

This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your
bags!  I just won the California lottery!"
	"Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
	"I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out
of the house by dinner!"

Thu Aug 19 03:46:01 CDT 1999

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.

Thu Aug 19 03:47:45 CDT 1999

Dull women have immaculate homes.

Thu Aug 19 10:57:36 CDT 1999

Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
	function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.

Thu Aug 19 14:13:17 CDT 1999

We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?
		-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission

Thu Aug 19 20:09:45 CDT 1999

You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

Fri Aug 20 12:14:50 CDT 1999

The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly
blurred by... the pollution of the language.
		-- Arne Tiselius

Fri Aug 20 13:36:32 CDT 1999

When the wind is great, bow before it;
when the wind is heavy, yield to it.

Fri Aug 20 18:19:20 CDT 1999

Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.
		-- M.J. 0'Donnell

Sat Aug 21 01:12:57 CDT 1999

If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been
beneficial for it to go wrong.

Sat Aug 21 11:24:16 CDT 1999

... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
		-- Richard Shelton

Sat Aug 21 14:34:30 CDT 1999

Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?

Sat Aug 21 17:53:48 CDT 1999

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?
		-- Herb Caen

Sun Aug 22 01:54:00 CDT 1999

You will be successful in love.

Sun Aug 22 12:45:03 CDT 1999

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary
safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
		-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759

Sun Aug 22 17:55:43 CDT 1999

Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.

Sun Aug 22 21:00:28 CDT 1999

Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.

Mon Aug 23 01:08:16 CDT 1999

A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.

Mon Aug 23 08:23:39 CDT 1999

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.
		-- Anton Chekhov

Mon Aug 23 08:26:21 CDT 1999

The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not
designed for people who walk on their hands.
		-- John Irving, "The World According to Garp"

Mon Aug 23 13:18:24 CDT 1999

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Mon Aug 23 19:00:48 CDT 1999

I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the
country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which
I happen to have in my top desk drawer.  Some of the Tips for Better Driving
are worth considering, to wit:

[131.16d]:
       "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle
        inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making
        a U-turn on a divided highway."

[96.7b]:
       "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the
        quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are
        traveling more than 60 MPH."

[110.13]:
       "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not
        to interfere with oncoming traffic."

Mon Aug 23 19:02:54 CDT 1999

Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.
		-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981

Mon Aug 23 19:03:56 CDT 1999

Reality -- what a concept!
		-- Robin Williams

Mon Aug 23 21:07:25 CDT 1999

What they said:
	What they meant:

"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you."
	(We certainly never succeeded.)
There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him.
	(Well, our rats aren't really employees...)
"Success will never spoil him."
	(Well, at least not MUCH more.)
"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling."
	(And such a sigh of relief.)
"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days;
in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities."
	(And his IQ, as well.)
"He should go far."
	(The farther the better.)
"He will take full advantage of his staff."
	(He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.)

Tue Aug 24 00:56:17 CDT 1999

During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po       ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po	 ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o

Tue Aug 24 01:19:13 CDT 1999

Five rules for eternal misery:
	(1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.
	(2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
	    treat these assumptions as though they are reality.
	(3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.
	(4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
	    how much better things might have been or how much worse
	    things might become).
	(5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
	    follow the first four rules.

Tue Aug 24 12:24:07 CDT 1999

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!

Tue Aug 24 20:27:15 CDT 1999

Magpie, n.:
	A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
	might be taught to talk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Tue Aug 24 23:32:40 CDT 1999

Drinking is not a spectator sport.
		-- Jim Brosnan

Wed Aug 25 12:56:03 CDT 1999

One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger.  This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really.  If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who fainted
in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become disoriented and
imagine they were in Topeka Kansas.

Wed Aug 25 14:22:45 CDT 1999

Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten
to the punch.

Thu Aug 26 01:49:00 CDT 1999

(1)	Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the
	furniture, shelves, and showcases.
(2)	Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks.
	Wash the windows once a week.
(3)	Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of
	coal for the day's business.
(4)	Make your pens carefully.  You may whittle nibs to your
	individual taste.
(5)	This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except
	on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed.  Each
	employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending
	church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord.
		-- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage
		    Works, 1872

Thu Aug 26 11:16:01 CDT 1999

A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.

Sat Aug 28 01:27:39 CDT 1999

Are we not men?

Sat Aug 28 03:46:00 CDT 1999

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

Sat Aug 28 02:34:08 CDT 1999

Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme personne n'ecoute, il faut
toujours recommencer.
		-- A. Gide

Sat Aug 28 05:03:43 CDT 1999

Don't get mad, get interest.

Sat Aug 28 15:19:32 CDT 1999

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.
		-- Spanish proverb

Sun Aug 29 03:04:33 CDT 1999

	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
	The bartender ignores him.
	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
	Still ignored.
	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."

Sun Aug 29 14:54:28 CDT 1999

	Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
	Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
	Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
	Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!

	Don't we know archaic barrel,
	Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
	Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
	Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
		-- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" [Walt Kelly]

Mon Aug 30 00:38:15 CDT 1999

Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.

Mon Aug 30 05:08:23 CDT 1999

Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
	The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Mon Aug 30 12:26:19 CDT 1999

"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."
- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's
suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's
nomination to the Supreme Court

Mon Aug 30 21:10:05 CDT 1999

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:	To be or not to be.
Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?

Tue Aug 31 00:19:22 CDT 1999

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.
		-- Lazarus Long

Tue Aug 31 07:22:05 CDT 1999

Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.
		-- Hubert Kirrman

Tue Aug 31 13:11:59 CDT 1999

Save the bales!

Tue Aug 31 16:31:35 CDT 1999

To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man.
		-- Golda Meir

Wed Sep  1 07:38:11 CDT 1999

Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...
if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.

Wed Sep  1 17:16:26 CDT 1999

Pascal is not a high-level language.
		-- Steven Feiner

Thu Sep  2 08:12:36 CDT 1999

101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
	(1)  Scarecrow for centipedes
	(2)  Dead cat brush
	(3)  Hair barrettes
	(4)  Cleats
	(5)  Self-piercing earrings
	(6)  Fungus trellis
	(7)  False eyelashes
	(8)  Prosthetic dog claws
        .
        .
        .
	(99)  Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
	(100) Killer velcro
	(101) Currency

Thu Sep  2 16:13:05 CDT 1999

The Least Successful Executions
	History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention.
The first performed in Sydney in Australia.  In 1803 three attempts were
made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels.  On the first two of these the rope
snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he
and everyone else got bored.  Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital
punishment, he was reprieved.
	The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who
tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each
occasion failed to get the trap door open.
	In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted
Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment.  He was released in 1917, emigrated
to America and lived until 1933.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

Fri Sep  3 01:18:36 CDT 1999

Twenty two thousand days.
Twenty two thousand days.
It's not a lot.
It's all you've got.
Twenty two thousand days.
		-- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days"

Fri Sep  3 12:24:56 CDT 1999

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Fri Sep  3 15:58:17 CDT 1999

Ask not for whom the  tolls.

Sat Sep  4 04:06:42 CDT 1999

	One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached
an enlightened state.  Much impressed by this news, several of his peers
went to speak with him.
	"We have heard that you are enlightened.  Is this true?" his fellow
students inquired.
	"It is", Kyogen answered.
	"Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?"
	"As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen.

Sat Sep  4 14:18:16 CDT 1999

There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote,
at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.
	--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles

Sun Sep  5 02:21:20 CDT 1999

If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Sun Sep  5 17:11:08 CDT 1999

You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in
use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and
the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the
moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"

Sun Sep  5 19:51:47 CDT 1999

On the subject of C program indentation:
"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented
 six feet downward and covered with dirt."
-- Blair P. Houghton

Sun Sep  5 22:07:26 CDT 1999

BARRY ... That was the most HEART-WARMING rendition of "I DID IT MY
WAY" I've ever heard!!

Mon Sep  6 01:01:52 CDT 1999

YOW!!  Up ahead!  It's a DONUT HUT!!

Mon Sep  6 05:08:52 CDT 1999

You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.

Mon Sep  6 22:47:26 CDT 1999

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human
intelligence long enough to get money from it.

Tue Sep  7 22:20:39 CDT 1999

Vulcans worship peace above all.
		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3

Wed Sep  8 04:56:48 CDT 1999

The Great Movie Posters:

SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog
on a roaring rampage of revenge!
		-- Bury Me an Angel (1972)

WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB SAUSAGES?
		-- Meat is Meat (1972)

TODAY the Pond!
TOMORROW the World!
		-- Frogs (1972)

Wed Sep  8 18:40:00 CDT 1999

Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.
		-- Lord Thomas Dewar

Thu Sep  9 18:51:02 CDT 1999

Humor in the Court:
Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition 
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.

Fri Sep 10 00:10:48 CDT 1999

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for
these only gave life, those the art of living well.
		-- Aristotle

Fri Sep 10 17:01:22 CDT 1999

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
		-- Gore Vidal

Fri Sep 10 22:14:09 CDT 1999

To have died once is enough.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

Fri Sep 10 22:14:48 CDT 1999

They call them "squares" because it's the most complicated shape they can
deal with.

Sat Sep 11 03:40:04 CDT 1999

	 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
			  by Mark Twain

	For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
	Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
	Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Sat Sep 11 14:45:43 CDT 1999

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all  makes everything in New
England, but the weather.  I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere
if they don't get it.
		-- Mark Twain

Sat Sep 11 16:46:51 CDT 1999

Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.

Sat Sep 11 20:11:28 CDT 1999

Welcome to Utah.
If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!

Sun Sep 12 02:50:07 CDT 1999

I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.  If
people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.  It's the truth.
		-- Charlie Chaplin

Sun Sep 12 16:35:57 CDT 1999

A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions
that make it fail.
		-- Jerry Ogdin

Sun Sep 12 18:01:54 CDT 1999

Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.

Sun Sep 12 22:26:31 CDT 1999

The best defense against logic is ignorance.

Mon Sep 13 00:22:58 CDT 1999

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who was a
brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal education and
lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in 1877, was the
phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where
it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.  But Edison's
greatest achievement came in 1879, when he invented the electric company.
Edison's design was a brilliant adaptation of the simple electrical circuit:
the electric company sends electricity through a wire to a customer, then
immediately gets the electricity back through another wire, then (this is
the brilliant part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch of
electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since very few
customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. In fact the
last year any new electricity was generated in the United States was 1937;
the electric companies have been merely re-selling it ever since, which is
why they have so much free time to apply for rate increases.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Mon Sep 13 03:23:50 CDT 1999

In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
moving automobile.

Mon Sep 13 19:12:52 CDT 1999

Neuroses are red,
	Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
	What are you?

Mon Sep 13 22:06:08 CDT 1999

Don't hit me!!  I'm in the Twilight Zone!!!

Tue Sep 14 13:05:34 CDT 1999

The Modelski Chain Rule:
(1)	Look intently at the problem for several minutes.  Scratch your
	head at 20-30 second intervals.  Try solving the problem on your
	Hewlett-Packard.
(2)	Failing this, look around at the class.  Select a particularly
	bright-looking individual.
(3)	Procure a large chain.
(4)	Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely
	with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem.
	Generally, he will.  It may also be a good idea to give him a sound
	thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.

Tue Sep 14 13:10:59 CDT 1999

So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"

Tue Sep 14 19:31:42 CDT 1999

The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.
		-- William Butler Yeats

Tue Sep 14 20:23:24 CDT 1999

In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one
wants, and the other is getting it.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Tue Sep 14 22:19:52 CDT 1999

It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.
		-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio

Tue Sep 14 23:54:47 CDT 1999

He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion.
It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.
		-- Phil Lapsley

Thu Sep 16 01:00:51 CDT 1999

"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."

Thu Sep 16 19:40:05 CDT 1999

Now KEN and BARBIE are PERMANENTLY ADDICTED to MIND-ALTERING DRUGS ...

Sat Sep 18 00:26:05 CDT 1999

When you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
Wretched, bored, dejected; only
Here's the rub, my darling dear
I feel the same when you are near.
		-- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"

Sun Sep 19 01:48:04 CDT 1999

If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off.
		-- Edward E. Hippensteel

[What brand of ink?  Ed.]

Sun Sep 19 15:36:58 CDT 1999

Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.

Sun Sep 19 20:11:32 CDT 1999

You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.

Mon Sep 20 05:50:36 CDT 1999

Are we THERE yet?

Mon Sep 20 13:05:47 CDT 1999

I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me
another book.

Mon Sep 20 16:48:34 CDT 1999

Ben, why didn't you tell me?
		-- Luke Skywalker

Tue Sep 21 08:41:00 CDT 1999

The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn,
Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn,
And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone,
	It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS!
		-- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days"

Tue Sep 21 11:15:22 CDT 1999

Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.

Tue Sep 21 15:43:37 CDT 1999

Lowery's Law:
	If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Tue Sep 21 19:11:48 CDT 1999

Don't lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
		-- Burma Shave

Wed Sep 22 00:04:51 CDT 1999

If it heals good, say it.

Wed Sep 22 04:41:10 CDT 1999

brain, v: [as in "to brain"]
	To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source
	of error in an opponent.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Wed Sep 22 17:57:07 CDT 1999

You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.

Wed Sep 22 18:02:16 CDT 1999

The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to
be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to
be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think
you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.
		-- Bill Veeck

Wed Sep 22 20:20:54 CDT 1999

Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.
		-- David Nichols

Wed Sep 22 23:44:49 CDT 1999

It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.

Wed Sep 22 23:47:45 CDT 1999

It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in
which there is absolutely nothing.
		-- Descartes

Sat Sep 25 00:55:28 CDT 1999

Hollerith, v.:
	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.

Sat Sep 25 11:58:47 CDT 1999

If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate
books.
		-- Alan King

Sat Sep 25 16:50:43 CDT 1999

I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.
		-- Alexandre Dumas, fils

Sat Sep 25 20:12:04 CDT 1999

Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last.

Sun Sep 26 02:43:07 CDT 1999

	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Sun Sep 26 13:40:35 CDT 1999

OS/2 must die!

Sun Sep 26 17:29:15 CDT 1999

After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.
		-- Jean Giraudoux

Sun Sep 26 21:01:50 CDT 1999

QOTD:
	"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return
	it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."

Sun Sep 26 22:26:30 CDT 1999

You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.

Mon Sep 27 02:19:33 CDT 1999

LOOK!!  Sullen American teens wearing MADRAS shorts and "Flock of
Seagulls" HAIRCUTS!

Mon Sep 27 13:13:25 CDT 1999

But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!

Mon Sep 27 20:38:54 CDT 1999

"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."
-- Arthur Miller

Mon Sep 27 21:26:21 CDT 1999

He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.

Tue Sep 28 00:06:29 CDT 1999

NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. All
software is supplied as is, without guarantee.  The user assumes all
responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these features,
including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system abends, disk
head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark attack, nerve
gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, local
electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, invasion,
hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction surfaces, comic
radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive electronic components,
windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated chickens, malfunctioning
mechanical or electrical sexual devices, premature activation of the
distant early warning system, peasant uprisings, halitosis, artillery
bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, and/or frogs falling from the sky.

Tue Sep 28 00:39:25 CDT 1999

Consultant, n.:
	(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell
	you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title
	of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have
	Calculator, Will Travel.

Tue Sep 28 19:13:28 CDT 1999

A king's castle is his home.

Tue Sep 28 20:50:21 CDT 1999

It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.

Tue Sep 28 23:40:54 CDT 1999

"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons 
for it afterwards."
-- Soren F. Petersen

Wed Sep 29 00:03:00 CDT 1999

Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I
am well pleased."
-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)

Wed Sep 29 06:39:25 CDT 1999

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
		-- J.P. Getty

Wed Sep 29 13:45:26 CDT 1999

hacker, n.:
	A master byter.

Wed Sep 29 19:22:17 CDT 1999

"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it."
		-- Dave Barry

Thu Sep 30 21:47:32 CDT 1999

A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while
the policeman searches you.

Fri Oct  1 00:15:31 CDT 1999

A halted retreat
Is nerve-wracking and dangerous.
To retain people as men -- and maidservants
Brings good fortune.

Sat Oct  2 19:59:48 CDT 1999

The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete.
For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.
		-- Bart Miller

Sun Oct  3 14:53:03 CDT 1999

When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.
		-- Robespierre

Mon Oct  4 07:45:21 CDT 1999

"I'm growing older, but not up."
-- Jimmy Buffett

Mon Oct  4 12:17:34 CDT 1999

In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
the supervision of a licensed engineer.

Mon Oct  4 17:02:59 CDT 1999

Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!

Mon Oct  4 19:55:10 CDT 1999

Acceptance testing:
	An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.

Tue Oct  5 01:17:13 CDT 1999

The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social
sciences' is: some do, some don't.
		-- Ernest Rutherford

Tue Oct  5 06:56:54 CDT 1999

The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.
		-- Stanley Kubrick

Tue Oct  5 22:21:06 CDT 1999

	"Surely you can't be serious."
	"I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley."
		-- "Airplane"

Tue Oct  5 23:48:55 CDT 1999

"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
		-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
		   Over and Over"

Wed Oct  6 15:04:27 CDT 1999

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
		-- Dean Acheson

Wed Oct  6 21:55:33 CDT 1999

"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in 
the cigarettes?"
-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970

Thu Oct  7 04:50:44 CDT 1999

The PINK SOCKS were ORIGINALLY from 1952!!  But they went to MARS
around 1953!!

Thu Oct  7 19:19:19 CDT 1999

spagmumps, n.:
	Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Fri Oct  8 19:31:47 CDT 1999

And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel,
because the bars close every time you're thirsty...

Fri Oct  8 21:32:26 CDT 1999

As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 
schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.

Sat Oct  9 22:42:30 CDT 1999

"Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The
Labs."
(By Dennis Ritchie)

Sat Oct  9 23:04:36 CDT 1999

	"Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his
mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse.
	"What do you keep that mouse for?" I said.  "You should either
bury it or else throw it into the brook."
	"Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno.  "How ever would you
do a garden without one?  We make each bed three mouses and a half
long, and two mouses wide."
	I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me
how it was used...
		-- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno"

Sun Oct 10 19:33:57 CDT 1999

Children are unpredictable.  You never know what inconsistency they're
going to catch you in next.
		-- Franklin P. Jones

Sun Oct 10 22:42:31 CDT 1999

Theory of Selective Supervision:
	The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is
	the one time the boss walks through the office.

Mon Oct 11 00:40:31 CDT 1999

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise.
		-- John Heywood

Mon Oct 11 13:35:40 CDT 1999

When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
		-- Harry Truman

Mon Oct 11 23:47:30 CDT 1999

"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Wed Oct 13 16:55:16 CDT 1999

Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he
raises to spout.

Thu Oct 14 23:54:29 CDT 1999

It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.
		-- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7

Fri Oct 15 22:06:36 CDT 1999

New systems generate new problems.

Sat Oct 16 20:13:24 CDT 1999

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
	Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
	Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
	While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
	I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
	But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
	And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update!  On Add!  On Inquiry!  On Delete!
	On Batch Jobs!  On Closing!  On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
	From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
	Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
		-- "Twas the Night before Crisis"

Sun Oct 17 15:23:04 CDT 1999

All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected,
so there's still hope.

Sun Oct 17 21:12:56 CDT 1999

Cheit's Lament:
	If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you--
	the next time he's in need.

Mon Oct 18 15:03:01 CDT 1999

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory,
in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.

	But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:
	for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.
		-- Matthew 5:37

Mon Oct 18 17:47:47 CDT 1999

This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
		-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington

Mon Oct 18 22:45:13 CDT 1999

"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"
-- Monty Python's Flying Circus

Thu Oct 21 20:06:06 CDT 1999

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)
Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,
And saw, within the moonlight in his room,
Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,
An angel writing in a book of gold.
Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,
And to the presence in the room he said,
"What writest thou?"  The vision raised its head,
And with a look made of all sweet accord,
Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord."
"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so,"
Replied the angel.  Abou spoke more low,
But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then,
Write me as one that loves his fellow-men."
The angel wrote, and vanished.  The next night
It came again with a great wakening light,
And showed the names whom love of God had blessed,
And lo!  Ben Adhem's name led all the rest.
		-- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem"

Fri Oct 22 21:32:25 CDT 1999

There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
		-- Italo Svevo

Sat Oct 23 21:06:23 CDT 1999

Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of
fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course,
the same can be said of dirt.

Sun Oct 24 14:32:57 CDT 1999

Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
		-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

Sun Oct 24 23:43:07 CDT 1999

If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?
	-- Robert Moses

Mon Oct 25 12:08:15 CDT 1999

   "Daddy, Daddy, make
    Santa Claus go away!"
		       "I can't, son;
			he's grown too
			powerful."
				     "HO HO HO!"
-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre

Mon Oct 25 23:56:32 CDT 1999

And here I wait so patiently
Waiting to find out what price
You have to pay to get out of
Going thru all of these things twice
		-- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again"

Tue Oct 26 21:52:05 CDT 1999

Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
without his duck ...

Wed Oct 27 19:38:59 CDT 1999

Management:	How many feet do mice have?
Reply:		Mice have four feet.
M:	Elaborate!
R:	Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
M:	No discussion of fifth appendage!
R:	Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
M:	What?  Feet with no legs?
R:	Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
M:	Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?
R:	Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
M:	Does not fully discuss the issue!
R:	Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail.  Each leg
	is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail
	is not equipped with a foot.
M:	Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful NO!
R:	Allotment of appendages for mice will be:  Four foot-leg assemblies,
	one tail.  Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would
	constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
M:	Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
R:	Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
	integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also
	attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
	ornamental in nature.
M:	Too verbose/scientific.  Answer the question!
R:	Mice have four feet.

Thu Oct 28 20:15:29 CDT 1999

Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
		-- Plato

Fri Oct 29 22:23:53 CDT 1999

"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead 
girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards

Sat Oct 30 17:30:11 CDT 1999

So this it it.  We're going to die.

Sat Oct 30 23:48:39 CDT 1999

I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.
		-- graffito in Los Angeles

On a clear day,
U.C.L.A.
		-- graffito in San Francisco

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our
lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
		-- Robert Orben

Sun Oct 31 20:55:59 CST 1999

Life exists for no known purpose.

Mon Nov  1 12:13:34 CST 1999

Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing
between the disastrous and the unpalatable.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith

Tue Nov  2 23:12:39 CST 1999

Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these
days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate
with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children
who can't communicate with their parents, and so on.  And the characters in
these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours
bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate.  I feel that if a person can't
communicate, the very _____least he can do is to shut up!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"

Mon Nov  8 14:14:38 CST 1999

QOTD:
	"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"

Mon Nov  8 23:52:03 CST 1999

QOTD:
	"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."

Tue Nov  9 20:44:45 CST 1999

Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on.  But now and then
there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a
frying pan.  Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we
weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as
impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but
shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed.
		-- Tom Robbins

Tue Nov  9 22:08:36 CST 1999

Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two.

Wed Nov 10 15:33:52 CST 1999

	"What did you do when the ship sank?"
	"I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."

Fri Nov 12 01:48:39 CST 1999

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings,
and that word is blackmail.
		-- Colm Brogan

Fri Nov 12 21:39:10 CST 1999

Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off
some of the others.

Sat Nov 13 23:03:49 CST 1999

We are what we pretend to be.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Mon Nov 15 21:09:40 CST 1999

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
kind word alone.
		-- Al Capone
		[Also attributed to Johnny Carson.  Ed.]

Tue Nov 16 22:26:48 CST 1999

Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman

Wed Nov 17 20:59:42 CST 1999

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
		-- Jack Paar

Wed Nov 17 23:14:09 CST 1999

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must
have somebody to divide it with.
		-- Mark Twain

Sat Nov 20 21:50:11 CST 1999

PURGE COMPLETE.

Sun Nov 21 22:56:58 CST 1999

"Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The
Labs."
(By Dennis Ritchie)

Tue Nov 23 20:20:28 CST 1999

Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol...
		-- Crazy Nigel

Tue Nov 23 20:21:18 CST 1999

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
like the Rolling Stones?
		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)

Sat Nov 27 22:33:14 CST 1999

Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same
token it is the shortest detour to marriage.
		-- Wilson Mizner

Sun Nov 28 08:51:53 CST 1999

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.
		-- Lao Tsu

Mon Nov 29 12:22:47 CST 1999

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Mon Nov 29 17:41:53 CST 1999

Knowledge is power.
		-- Francis Bacon

Wed Dec  1 13:38:56 CST 1999

It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas,
and not in circumstances.
		-- Emerson

Wed Dec  1 19:17:41 CST 1999

Why I Can't Go Out With You:

I'd LOVE to, but...
	-- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
	-- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
	-- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
	-- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
	-- I have to fulfill my potential.
	-- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
	-- It's too close to the turn of the century.
	-- I have to bleach my hare.
	-- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob.
	-- I left my body in my other clothes.

Thu Dec  2 21:18:27 CST 1999

Necessity is a mother.

Sun Dec  5 19:48:34 CST 1999

The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.
		-- Menander

Mon Dec  6 12:46:24 CST 1999

If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli

Wed Dec  8 12:28:56 CST 1999

Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center
of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An
incorrect model can be a useful tool.
		-- Kelvin Throop III

Thu Dec  9 05:21:59 CST 1999

Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"

Thu Dec  9 22:01:17 CST 1999

A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).

Fri Dec 10 21:39:05 CST 1999

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity.  See?
But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee,
When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?

Sat Dec 11 21:21:00 CST 1999

Do YOU have redeeming social value?

Mon Dec 13 11:41:14 CST 1999

algorithm, n.:
	Trendy dance for hip programmers.

Tue Dec 14 20:41:57 CST 1999

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.

Wed Dec 15 13:01:59 CST 1999

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
		-- Mark Twain

Tue Dec 21 21:07:49 CST 1999

What's so funny?

Sun Dec 26 17:48:09 CST 1999

Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more
stressful than divorce.
		-- Wall Street Journal

Wed Dec 29 16:58:37 CST 1999

I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, of
pre-Adamite ancestral descent.  You will understand this when I tell you
that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial atomic
globule.  Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable.  I
can't help it.  I was born sneering.
		-- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado"

Wed Jan  5 14:14:13 CST 2000

A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should
be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.
		-- R.A. Heinlein

Thu Jan  6 11:52:39 CST 2000

"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?"
(By Patrick Volkerding)

Sat Jan  8 00:47:19 CST 2000

Moe:	Wanna play poker tonight?
Joe:	I can't. It's the kids' night out.
Moe:	So?
Joe:	I gotta stay home with the nurse.

Sun Jan  9 03:22:57 CST 2000

These PRESERVES should be FORCE-FED to PENTAGON OFFICIALS!!

Tue Jan 11 21:37:03 CST 2000

Pollyanna's Educational Constant:
	The hyperactive child is never absent.

Sat Jan 15 00:24:04 CST 2000

		The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance
The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system
in a portable package the size of a briefcase.  The guy on the left has an
Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case.  Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition.  The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort.  All for $795. It's inevitable.
If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble.  One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum.  In fact, detachable magazines 
for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks.  What about the new 16-bit
computers, like the Lisa and Fortune?  Even with the Winchester backup, 
they're no match for the Uzi.  One quick burst and they'll find out what 
Unix means.  Make your commanding officer proud.  Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
		-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984

Mon Jan 17 13:50:15 CST 2000

I want the presidency so bad I can already taste the hors d'oeuvres.

Mon Jan 17 14:12:28 CST 2000

Ritchie's Rule:
	(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.
	(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.
	(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.

Mon Jan 17 14:13:25 CST 2000

... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!!

Mon Jan 17 14:28:53 CST 2000

...Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth.  Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old.  Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected it.
There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 
prejudice and postjudice.  Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts.  Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards.  Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
mistakes.  Postjudice is not terrible.  You can't be perfect of course; you
may make mistakes also.  But it is permissible to make a judgment after you
have examined the evidence.  In some circles it is even encouraged.
- Carl Sagan, The Burden of Skepticism, Skeptical Enquirer, Vol. 12, pg. 46

Tue Jan 18 00:32:22 CST 2000

Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.

Tue Jan 18 00:34:27 CST 2000

"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
		-- Shakespeare

Wed Jan 19 12:06:55 CST 2000

I just heard the SEVENTIES were over!!  And I was just getting in touch
with my LEISURE SUIT!!

Wed Jan 19 12:21:20 CST 2000

BASIC, n.:
	A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in
	that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.

Thu Jan 20 01:27:45 CST 2000

Love tells us many things that are not so.
		-- Krainian Proverb

Thu Jan 20 01:28:23 CST 2000

It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.

Thu Jan 20 15:38:37 CST 2000

Dyslexics have more fnu.

Thu Jan 20 20:46:30 CST 2000

Dear Freshman,
	You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but
unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather
prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by
mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.

Sat Jan 22 08:29:12 CST 2000

Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.
		-- A Yippie Proverb

Sat Jan 22 08:33:50 CST 2000

Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon
to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Sat Jan 22 10:23:16 CST 2000

Power, like a desolating pestilence,
Pollutes whate'er it touches...
		-- Percy Bysshe Shelley

Sat Jan 22 12:50:18 CST 2000

	"I'm dying," he croaked.
	"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted .
	"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized.
	"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered.
	"The fire is going out," he bellowed.
	"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused.
	"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me.
	"You snake," she rattled.
	"Someone's at the door," she chimed.
	"Company's coming," she guessed.
	"Dawn came too soon," she mourned.
	"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed.
	"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed.
	"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly.
	"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely.
		-- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex"

Mon Jan 24 15:22:17 CST 2000

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.
		-- Grace Murray Hopper

Mon Jan 24 16:05:50 CST 2000

"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can 
All Employees do for A Group of Employees."    
-- Mike Dennison

Mon Jan 24 16:14:22 CST 2000

The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest
about it.
		-- James Agate, British film and drama critic

Wed Jan 26 00:03:46 CST 2000

The best things in life are for a fee.

Wed Jan 26 18:57:33 CST 2000

To do nothing is to be nothing.

Wed Jan 26 21:29:42 CST 2000

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Thu Jan 27 16:08:40 CST 2000

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?

Fri Jan 28 13:34:32 CST 2000

Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.

Fri Jan 28 22:25:17 CST 2000

"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."
-- Peter Neumann, about usenet

Sat Jan 29 19:36:43 CST 2000

Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.

Sat Jan 29 19:51:58 CST 2000

A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.

Mon Jan 31 07:12:35 CST 2000

Compliment, n.:
	When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.

Mon Jan 31 13:19:22 CST 2000

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
	should have gotten.

Mon Jan 31 17:11:48 CST 2000

Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a
little kinder than is necessary?
		-- J.M. Barrie

Mon Jan 31 17:38:21 CST 2000

An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES!

Mon Jan 31 19:11:40 CST 2000

If you're happy, you're successful.

Mon Jan 31 19:25:49 CST 2000

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
		-- Ted Turner

Tue Feb  1 01:24:09 CST 2000

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello

Tue Feb  1 10:31:42 CST 2000

Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.
		-- Roy Harper

Tue Feb  1 17:58:58 CST 2000

He who laughs, lasts.

Tue Feb  1 21:17:43 CST 2000

I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but
I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.

Thu Feb  3 15:40:22 CST 2000

The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common
family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number
of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?
		-- Derek Wills

Thu Feb  3 15:41:04 CST 2000

Hire the morally handicapped.

Fri Feb  4 05:33:02 CST 2000

To err is human -- but it feels divine.
		-- Mae West

Fri Feb  4 20:32:24 CST 2000

An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.

Sun Feb  6 15:54:51 CST 2000

Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain.
		-- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"

Sun Feb  6 23:17:55 CST 2000

L'etat c'est moi.
	[I am the state.]
		-- Louis XIV

Mon Feb  7 01:53:30 CST 2000

New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.

Mon Feb  7 22:47:44 CST 2000

Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it,
for he shall enjoy living.
		-- W.C. Bennett

Wed Feb  9 14:10:29 CST 2000

The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems
and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting
language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best
dangerous.
		-- Bjarne Stroustrup

Wed Feb  9 16:53:43 CST 2000

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! hop along! fal lal the willow!
Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Thu Feb 10 15:59:07 CST 2000

	"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
	"You admit that?"
	"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
		-- Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown

Thu Feb 10 21:50:54 CST 2000

PEGGY FLEMMING is stealing BASKET BALLS to feed the babies in VERMONT.

Thu Feb 10 22:28:11 CST 2000

It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether
the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the
man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and
blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a
worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that
he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory
or defeat.
		-- Teddy Roosevelt

Fri Feb 11 00:09:56 CST 2000

Serocki's Stricture:
	Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.

Sun Feb 13 22:32:39 CST 2000

As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."

Tue Feb 15 22:12:03 CST 2000

Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.
		-- Darryl F. Zanuck

Wed Feb 16 00:17:33 CST 2000

Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.

Thu Feb 17 00:22:28 CST 2000

Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
	Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
	simple yes or no answer.

Thu Feb 17 19:53:07 CST 2000

index, n.:
	Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an
	alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.

Thu Feb 17 22:31:39 CST 2000

A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke.
		-- Kipling

Fri Feb 18 00:01:02 CST 2000

Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.
		-- Psalms 18:12

Fri Feb 18 03:27:29 CST 2000

I distrust a man who says when.  If he's got to be careful not to drink
too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"

Fri Feb 18 07:34:28 CST 2000

The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it
*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.
		-- Mel Brooks

Fri Feb 18 21:22:40 CST 2000

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Fri Feb 18 22:45:16 CST 2000

serendipity, n.:
	The process by which human knowledge is advanced.

Mon Feb 21 18:55:18 CST 2000

You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time
in history.
		-- Kenneth Parker

Mon Feb 21 22:46:50 CST 2000

One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.

Wed Feb 23 09:31:18 CST 2000

It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.
		-- Daniel B. Luten

Wed Feb 23 09:34:34 CST 2000

Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

Wed Feb 23 16:32:50 CST 2000

Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof.  There are many examples of
outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, but
they prevailed with irrefutable data.  More often, egregious findings that
contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts.  I have
argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience.  Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness: Implications for Psi
   Phenomena", The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 163-171

Wed Feb 23 17:34:20 CST 2000

"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
have to get a toehold in the public eye."

Thu Feb 24 15:53:24 CST 2000

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.  If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

Fri Feb 25 00:16:10 CST 2000

Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"

Fri Feb 25 18:51:17 CST 2000

Drop that pickle!

Sun Feb 27 16:51:01 CST 2000

Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman

Sun Feb 27 18:46:55 CST 2000

When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.

Sun Feb 27 22:09:13 CST 2000

Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
	%blow					(C shell)
	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
	got a light?				(C shell)
	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
	make love
	make "the perfect dry martini"
	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)

Sun Feb 27 22:10:17 CST 2000

... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... 
impeccable!

Wed Mar  1 17:03:44 CST 2000

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.

Wed Mar  1 17:19:36 CST 2000

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
		-- Steven Wright

Wed Mar  1 17:34:13 CST 2000

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.
		-- Gore Vidal

Wed Mar  1 21:13:20 CST 2000

Time and tide wait for no man.

Wed Mar  1 22:31:29 CST 2000

Do not allow this language (Ada) in its present state to be used in
applications where reliability is critical, i.e., nuclear power stations,
cruise missiles, early warning systems, anti-ballistic missle defense
systems.  The next rocket to go astray as a result of a programming language
error may not be an exploratory space rocket on a harmless trip to Venus:
It may be a nuclear warhead exploding over one of our cities.  An unreliable
programming language generating unreliable programs constitutes a far
greater risk to our environment and to our society than unsafe cars, toxic
pesticides, or accidents at nuclear power stations.
- C. A. R. Hoare

Thu Mar  2 00:33:44 CST 2000

Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get
rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought.  He did so. "Well, kid, that
was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer
question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?"

Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion.
	-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"

Thu Mar  2 16:03:20 CST 2000

The reason ESP, for example, is not considered a viable topic in contemoprary
psychology is simply that its investigation has not proven fruitful...After
more than 70 years of study, there still does not exist one example of an ESP
phenomenon that is replicable under controlled conditions.  This simple but
basic scientific criterion has not been met despite dozens of studies conducted
over many decades...It is for this reason alone that the topic is now of little
interest to psychology...In short, there is no demonstrated phenomenon that
needs explanation.
-- Keith E. Stanovich, "How to Think Straight About Psychology", pp. 160-161

Thu Mar  2 18:27:00 CST 2000

Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!

Thu Mar  2 19:17:43 CST 2000

All hope abandon, ye who enter here!
		-- Dante Alighieri

Thu Mar  2 21:24:17 CST 2000

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
		-- H.L. Mencken

Sat Mar  4 20:14:01 CST 2000

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

Mon Mar  6 07:08:13 CST 2000

I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents
become better people as a result of practicing it.
- Joe Mullally, computer salesman

Mon Mar  6 13:33:36 CST 2000

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
		-- Mark Twain

Tue Mar  7 18:32:38 CST 2000

Yow!  Is my fallout shelter termite proof?

Tue Mar  7 22:56:02 CST 2000

Issawi's Laws of Progress:
	The Course of Progress:
		Most things get steadily worse.
	The Path of Progress:
		A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

Wed Mar  8 00:25:03 CST 2000

Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.

Wed Mar  8 14:59:01 CST 2000

	When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend.
"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't
the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"
	"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you
might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"

Wed Mar  8 18:21:33 CST 2000

I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
		-- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"

Wed Mar  8 21:10:35 CST 2000

Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.

Thu Mar  9 03:45:50 CST 2000

You do not have mail.

Thu Mar  9 16:28:37 CST 2000

Peterson's Rules:
	(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.
	(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.
	(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.
	(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.

Thu Mar  9 21:49:55 CST 2000

****  GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE

For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. Tired of
being genuine all the time?  Would you like to learn how to be a little
phony again?  Have you disclosed so much that you're beginning to avoid
people? Have you touched so many people that they're all beginning to
feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? Are perfect orgasms
beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, not to express a
feeling?  Or better yet, not be in touch with it at all?  Come to us.  We
promise to relieve you of the burden of your great potential.

Fri Mar 10 01:04:17 CST 2000

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
the use of the mathematics of probability.
		-- Vannevar Bush

Sat Mar 11 00:40:29 CST 2000

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.

Mon Mar 13 06:59:58 CST 2000

What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out,
which is the exact opposite.
		-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928

Mon Mar 13 13:45:00 CST 2000

The most important things, each person must do for himself.

Mon Mar 13 19:14:52 CST 2000

Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.

Mon Mar 13 21:41:53 CST 2000

Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?
A:	When his lips move.

Thu Mar 16 20:39:05 CST 2000

A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question:

If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save
a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning
photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?
		-- Paul Harvey

Fri Mar 17 09:14:24 CST 2000

The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.

Fri Mar 17 09:50:21 CST 2000

You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.

Fri Mar 17 10:24:25 CST 2000

Review Questions

(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
    and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
    he exceeds the speed of light?  How long will it be before the
    Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?

(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
    twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
    every bone in his body?  How long will it be before they cut off
    his insurance?  Where does he get a new car every week?

(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
    the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
    pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
    Tut's?  When will it fall on him?  Will he notice?

Fri Mar 17 11:30:18 CST 2000

Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!

Fri Mar 17 14:15:17 CST 2000

Lack of skill dictates economy of style.
- Joey Ramone

Fri Mar 17 15:41:48 CST 2000

To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.

Fri Mar 17 17:26:38 CST 2000

We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
		-- Whole Earth Catalog

Fri Mar 17 17:29:39 CST 2000

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

Fri Mar 17 18:09:55 CST 2000

He who knows nothing, knows nothing.
But he who knows he knows nothing knows something.
And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,
	he knows something.  Or something like that.

Fri Mar 17 23:17:19 CST 2000

No spitting on the Bus!
Thank you, The Mgt.

Fri Mar 17 23:18:27 CST 2000

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we
are not the person involved.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Sat Mar 18 10:51:48 CST 2000

It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.

Sat Mar 18 16:22:16 CST 2000

They took some of the Van Goghs, most of the jewels, and all of the Chivas!

Sat Mar 18 17:28:47 CST 2000

Be valiant, but not too venturous.
Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.
		-- John Lyly

Sat Mar 18 22:06:30 CST 2000

-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised
	to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic
	diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries
	of small, green bryophytic plant.
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation
	of a lucrative nature.
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing
	osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.

Sun Mar 19 09:55:38 CST 2000

(defun NF (a c)
  (cond ((null c) () )
	((atom (car c))
	  (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c))))
		 (nf a (cddr c))))
	(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))

(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
  (cond 
   ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
	(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
	(lessp challenging 7)) () )
   (t (append (nf  (get 'ad 'expr)
	  '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1)
	    (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1)
	    (car 2 caadr 4)))
      (list '851-5071x2661)))))
;;;     We are an affirmative action employer.

Sun Mar 19 11:34:34 CST 2000

	"Yes, I am a real piece of work.  One thing we learn at Ulowell is
 how to flame useless hacking non-EE's like you.  I am superior to you in 
 every way by training and expertise in the technical field.  Anyone can learn
 how to hack, but Engineering doesn't come nearly as easily.  Actually, I'm 
 not trying to offend all you CS majors out there, but I think EE is one of the
 hardest majors/grad majors to pass.  Fortunately, I am making it."
-- "Warrior Diagnostics" (wardiag@sky.COM)

"Being both an EE and an asshole at the same time must be a terrible burden
 for you.  This isn't really a flame, just a casual observation.  Makes me
 glad I was a CS major, life is really pleasant for me.  Have fun with your 
 chosen mode of existence!"
-- Jim Morrison (morrisj@mist.cs.orst.edu)

Sun Mar 19 17:37:53 CST 2000

"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."
- Doctor Graper

Sun Mar 19 20:54:47 CST 2000

Dignity is like a flag.  It flaps in a storm.
		-- Roy Mengot

Sun Mar 19 21:53:45 CST 2000

Ben, why didn't you tell me?
		-- Luke Skywalker

Sun Mar 19 22:15:44 CST 2000

: is not an identifier

Sun Mar 19 22:17:35 CST 2000

There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
art, music, and women.

Sun Mar 19 23:58:52 CST 2000

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
		-- C. Schulz

Mon Mar 20 00:02:01 CST 2000

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.

Wed Mar 22 20:46:18 CST 2000

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?

Thu Mar 23 07:41:46 CST 2000

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
	"Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."

Thu Mar 23 09:25:13 CST 2000

You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
		follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
(2)	You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 
		and there aren't any.
(3)	Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
(4)	The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
(5)	You wake up and your braces are locked together.
(6)	Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Thu Mar 23 10:46:53 CST 2000

		Once Again From the Top

Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously
reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman
in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and
lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular
homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that
he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on
George Wilson.  Each of these items was erroneous material published
inadvertently.  He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the
lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with
vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson.
The Herald regrets the errors."
		-- "The Progressive", March, 1987

Thu Mar 23 10:51:25 CST 2000

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke

Thu Mar 23 11:44:33 CST 2000

You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.
		-- Peter Beard

Thu Mar 23 12:28:16 CST 2000

I remember Ulysses well...  Left one day for the post office to mail a letter,
met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, and didn't come back for 20 years.

Thu Mar 23 13:25:51 CST 2000

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
		-- Mark Twain

Thu Mar 23 14:33:26 CST 2000

It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the
management of them.
		-- La Rochefoucauld

Thu Mar 23 18:45:34 CST 2000

A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 
had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 
various objects had Buddha-nature or not.  To such a question Tortue 
invariably sat silent.  The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 
and a moonlit night.  One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 
asked the same question.  In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 
between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 
string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk.  At that moment, the monk 
was enlightened. 

From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue.  Instead, he made string after 
string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 
who passed it on to theirs.

Thu Mar 23 21:21:33 CST 2000

Death to all fanatics!

Fri Mar 24 00:00:20 CST 2000

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
the people.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Fri Mar 24 00:49:24 CST 2000

A is for Apple.
		-- Hester Pryne

Sat Mar 25 22:42:40 CST 2000

"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now
when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
		-- Steven Wright

Sun Mar 26 01:48:09 CST 2000

Humor in the Court:
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.

Sun Mar 26 12:18:44 CST 2000

Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?

Sun Mar 26 13:23:58 CST 2000

Now I'm being INVOLUNTARILY shuffled closer to the CLAM DIP with the
BROKEN PLASTIC FORKS in it!!

Sun Mar 26 15:39:51 CST 2000

If I felt any more SOPHISTICATED I would DIE of EMBARRASSMENT!

Sun Mar 26 19:29:20 CST 2000

	"Do you believe in intuition?"
	"No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."

Sun Mar 26 23:09:21 CST 2000

If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?

Sun Mar 26 23:43:30 CST 2000

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Mon Mar 27 01:11:58 CST 2000

To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.
- C. K. Chesterton

Tue Mar 28 08:41:43 CST 2000

Type louder, please.

Tue Mar 28 09:29:18 CST 2000

squatcho, n.:
	The button at the top of a baseball cap.
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Tue Mar 28 16:06:53 CST 2000

Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
		-- Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before",
		   stardate 1312.9.

Tue Mar 28 23:15:00 CST 2000

'Twas midnight on the ocean,		Her children all were orphans,
Not a streetcar was in sight,		Except one a tiny tot,
So I stepped into a cigar store		Who had a home across the way
To ask them for a light.		Above a vacant lot.

The man	behind the counter		As I gazed through the oaken door
Was a woman, old and gray,		A whale went drifting by,
Who used to peddle doughnuts		Its six legs hanging in the air,
On the road to Mandalay.		So I kissed her goodbye.

She said "Good morning, stranger",	This story has a morale
Her eyes were dry with tears,		As you can plainly see,
As she put her head between her feet	Don't mix your gin with whiskey
And stood that way for years.		On the deep and dark blue sea.
		-- Midnight On The Ocean

Wed Mar 29 02:21:59 CST 2000

You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.

Wed Mar 29 22:51:04 CST 2000

Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and
demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.
		-- Charlotte Observer, 1897

Thu Mar 30 15:09:59 CST 2000

If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.

Sat Apr  1 00:44:21 CST 2000

Microwaves frizz your heir.

Tue Apr  4 22:47:34 CDT 2000

My way of joking is to tell the truth.  That's the funniest joke in the world.
		-- Muhammad Ali

Wed Apr  5 01:22:02 CDT 2000

You will be run over by a bus.

Thu Apr  6 19:44:47 CDT 2000

I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.

Thu Apr  6 21:33:55 CDT 2000

Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.

Fri Apr  7 00:37:33 CDT 2000

Courage is grace under pressure.

Fri Apr  7 17:17:49 CDT 2000

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.
		-- John Galsworthy

Fri Apr  7 20:26:56 CDT 2000

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging 
their prejudices."
-- William James

Sun Apr  9 07:39:33 CDT 2000

I saw Lassie.  It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?

Sun Apr  9 07:41:47 CDT 2000

Power, n.:
	The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.

Sun Apr  9 16:29:44 CDT 2000

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"

Sun Apr  9 20:08:26 CDT 2000

The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.

Mon Apr 10 11:48:50 CDT 2000

Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is
lightheartedly.

Mon Apr 10 15:39:29 CDT 2000

Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.

Mon Apr 10 16:23:47 CDT 2000

What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?

Mon Apr 10 17:05:50 CDT 2000

Elevators smell different to midgets.

Mon Apr 10 17:23:34 CDT 2000

Cat, n.:
	Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

Mon Apr 10 20:27:02 CDT 2000

Another megabytes the dust.

Mon Apr 10 20:39:45 CDT 2000

	THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL

SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee.  Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile.  Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

Mon Apr 10 23:43:34 CDT 2000

The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
brings wisdom.
		-- H.L. Mencken

Tue Apr 11 02:06:58 CDT 2000

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.

Tue Apr 11 02:53:59 CDT 2000

Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters,
con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this
country was built.
		-- Hubert Allen

Tue Apr 11 05:08:01 CDT 2000

Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.

Wed Apr 12 23:26:00 CDT 2000

Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without getting
on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering her ways;
wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or regularity; dissatisfied
with her servants, without skill to make them better, and whether helping, or
reprimanding, or indulging them, without any power of engaging their respect.
		-- J. Austen

Wed Apr 12 23:48:56 CDT 2000

Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.

Thu Apr 13 02:42:59 CDT 2000

Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.

Thu Apr 13 02:57:28 CDT 2000

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

Thu Apr 13 15:09:14 CDT 2000

When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
impression you will make.

Fri Apr 14 05:11:10 CDT 2000

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
a full mooon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.

Sat Apr 15 19:38:52 CDT 2000

The greatest remedy for anger is delay.

Tue Apr 18 07:14:44 CDT 2000

"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never 
spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?"
-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_

Tue Apr 18 16:55:02 CDT 2000

Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this--
no dog exchanges bones with another.
		-- Adam Smith

Tue Apr 18 20:40:28 CDT 2000

Steckel's Rule to Success:
	Good enough is never good enough.

Wed Apr 19 00:08:58 CDT 2000

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Sun Apr 30 10:28:39 CDT 2000

After all my erstwhile dear,
My no longer cherished,
Need we say it was not love,
Just because it perished?
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay

Sun Apr 30 13:24:15 CDT 2000

The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
	You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.

Mon May  1 18:48:00 CDT 2000

When I met th'POPE back in '58, I scrubbed him with a MILD SOAP or
DETERGENT for 15 minutes.  He seemed to enjoy it ...

Wed May  3 15:21:12 CDT 2000

"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers
 do in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business."
-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu

Thu May  4 15:21:19 CDT 2000

"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional
hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational
sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."

Thu May  4 22:14:12 CDT 2000

The story you are about to hear is true.  Only the names have been
changed to protect the innocent.

Sat May  6 20:14:39 CDT 2000

"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."
-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir

Mon May  8 07:51:01 CDT 2000

"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this
is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion."
-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, 
   about the Open Systems Foundation

Mon May  8 08:19:33 CDT 2000

I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and
implement a PL/1 compiler.
		-- T. Cheatham

Mon May  8 15:52:08 CDT 2000

"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
		-- Humphrey Bogart

Mon May  8 20:03:30 CDT 2000

If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use
		of the Young"

Tue May  9 00:02:41 CDT 2000

"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"
-- button at a Science Fiction convention.

Wed May 10 01:17:15 CDT 2000

"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children 
produce adults."
-- Peter De Vries

Wed May 10 20:06:44 CDT 2000

"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."

Fri May 12 14:13:42 CDT 2000

Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
	That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
	or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you
	should have gotten.

Sat May 13 21:37:07 CDT 2000

Long life is in store for you.

Tue May 16 20:20:07 CDT 2000

Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
		-- Hedy Lamarr

Tue May 16 20:25:21 CDT 2000

I exist, therefore I am paid.

Tue May 16 23:13:41 CDT 2000

Landru! Guide us!
		-- A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4

Thu May 18 08:52:29 CDT 2000

Fats Loves Madelyn.

Thu May 18 12:31:15 CDT 2000

The less time planning, the more time programming.

Thu May 18 23:36:36 CDT 2000

Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

Fri May 19 16:44:02 CDT 2000

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

Fri May 19 17:23:12 CDT 2000

	Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and
tries to hide behind a beard.  No good.  There are still too many people
and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking.  He moves to the
outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap,
caretaker included.  He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants,
day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored.
	Nobody's cut the grass in months.  What's happened to that caretaker?
What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are
start to get curious.  A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper.
Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared.  The senior
class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a
movie one night and stays out.  The town's up in arms, but just before the
police take action, the kids turn up.  They've found a purpose.  They go
home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going
now.  They're in a band.
		-- Ira Kaplan

Fri May 19 19:04:06 CDT 2000

Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.

Sat May 20 00:00:43 CDT 2000

Programming is an unnatural act.

Sat May 20 00:35:13 CDT 2000

So so is good, very good, very excellent good:
and yet it is not; it is but so so.
		-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"

Sun May 21 21:25:28 CDT 2000

briefcase, n:
	A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.

Tue May 23 01:11:05 CDT 2000

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44
	Zebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.

Tue May 23 01:40:59 CDT 2000

If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.

Tue May 23 01:48:24 CDT 2000

I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookie win.
		-- C3P0

Tue May 23 01:51:02 CDT 2000

Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
		-- Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6

Wed May 24 12:08:42 CDT 2000

(1) X=Y				; Given
(2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X
(3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides
(4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor
(5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term
(6) 2Y=Y			; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1
(7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y
		-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1

Wed May 24 12:20:47 CDT 2000

Thufir's a Harkonnen now.

Wed May 24 14:16:49 CDT 2000

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
-- Blaise Pascal

Wed May 24 15:32:27 CDT 2000

Words are the voice of the heart.

Wed May 24 21:57:47 CDT 2000

QOTD:
	I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.

Thu May 25 01:37:23 CDT 2000

Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat.  You said you were
gonna call and it's been two weeks.  What's wrong, you lose my number?

Thu May 25 14:12:36 CDT 2000

Scott's First Law:
	No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Scott's Second Law:
	When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
	to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
	After the correction has been found in error, it will be
	impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
	equation.

Thu May 25 17:59:22 CDT 2000

Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.

Sat May 27 21:53:28 CDT 2000

Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
	    Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee: Yes.
		-- Overheard at a supervision.

Sun May 28 13:20:40 CDT 2000

All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
the government in less than a second.
		-- Jim Fiebig

Sun May 28 13:46:39 CDT 2000

The 357.73 Theory:
	Auditors always reject expense accounts
	with a bottom line divisible by 5.

Sun May 28 15:20:44 CDT 2000

I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...

Mon May 29 00:15:36 CDT 2000

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
		-- Sacha Guitry

Mon May 29 03:05:05 CDT 2000

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while
you're being miserable.
		-- C.B. Luce

Tue May 30 08:06:22 CDT 2000

Plots are like girdles.  Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're
of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain
an uncontainable experience.
		-- R.S. Knapp

Tue May 30 14:07:14 CDT 2000

2180, U.S. History question:
	What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
	office did he later hold?

Tue May 30 16:05:42 CDT 2000

We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.
	-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends

Tue May 30 16:33:29 CDT 2000

Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around
here at quitting time.

Tue May 30 19:11:05 CDT 2000

Convention is the ruler of all.
		-- Pindar

Wed May 31 03:13:06 CDT 2000

Your present plans will be successful.

Wed May 31 12:04:17 CDT 2000

I think...  I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check.
		-- Escher

Wed May 31 13:16:50 CDT 2000

The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.
		-- Judge Harold T. Stone

Wed May 31 18:48:53 CDT 2000

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
		-- Frank Lloyd Wright

Wed May 31 23:30:33 CDT 2000

[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]

Coach:  Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm:   With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
		-- Cheers, Norman's Conquest

Coach:  What's up, Normie?
Norm:   The temperature under my collar, Coach.
		-- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)

Coach:  What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm:   Going down?
		-- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom

Fri Jun  2 07:24:06 CDT 2000

... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to
spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.
		-- Richard Shelton

Sat Jun  3 06:46:19 CDT 2000

Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one
has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine
moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging
magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen.  Fortunately, they seem to
have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may
get to go home.  However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem
of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaniful
oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to
hang above the machine room.  This totem must be blessed by the old and wise
venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc
bus drive him to bitter revenge.  Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen
aren't destroyed,  there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the
arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable
of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof
to mouth...

Sat Jun  3 19:16:39 CDT 2000

QOTD:
	"It's been Monday all week today."

Sat Jun  3 22:21:51 CDT 2000

The boy stood on the burning deck,
Eating peanuts by the peck.
His father called him, but he could not go,
For he loved those peanuts so.

Sun Jun  4 02:24:38 CDT 2000

... the HIGHWAY is made out of LIME JELLO and my HONDA is a barbequeued
OYSTER!  Yum!

Mon Jun  5 09:40:41 CDT 2000

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
		-- Shakespeare

Mon Jun  5 14:07:07 CDT 2000

Sorry.  Nice try.

Tue Jun  6 18:32:36 CDT 2000

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31
A:	Chicken Teriyaki.
Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?

Wed Jun  7 03:46:22 CDT 2000

Words have a longer life than deeds.
		-- Pindar

Thu Jun  8 21:27:52 CDT 2000

You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
		-- Alfred Kahn

Fri Jun  9 12:14:49 CDT 2000

hard, adj.:
	The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those
	of other people.

Fri Jun  9 15:25:12 CDT 2000

Depart in pieces, i.e., split.

Fri Jun  9 15:48:56 CDT 2000

There are three things I have always loved and never understood --
art, music, and women.

Fri Jun  9 19:10:49 CDT 2000

"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is 
good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
 -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Fri Jun  9 20:08:10 CDT 2000

Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore.
		-- Cecil Beaton

Sun Jun 11 21:24:58 CDT 2000

The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.
		-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]

Wed Jun 14 13:18:57 CDT 2000

It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.

Thu Jun 15 01:40:04 CDT 2000

Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.

Thu Jun 15 18:33:38 CDT 2000

Call on God, but row away from the rocks.
		-- Indian proverb

Thu Jun 15 21:53:50 CDT 2000

Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
		-- Helen Keller

Fri Jun 16 05:18:03 CDT 2000

Cohen's Law:
	There is no bottom to worse.

Sat Jun 17 19:07:28 CDT 2000

I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one.

Sun Jun 18 01:15:38 CDT 2000

Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing?
		-- Rich Little

Sun Jun 18 08:14:18 CDT 2000

Clear the laundromat!!  This whirl-o-matic just had a nuclear meltdown!!

Sun Jun 18 14:25:53 CDT 2000

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and
I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." 
-- Matt Cartmill

Mon Jun 19 00:48:51 CDT 2000

	A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a
strings of pearls.  The spirit and intent of the program should be retained
throughout.  There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless
loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming
rigidity.
	A program should follow the 'Law of Least Astonishment'.  What is this
law?  It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the
way that astonishes him least.
	A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit.  The
program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward
appearances.
	If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of
disorder and confusion.  The only way to correct this is to rewrite the
program.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

Wed Jun 21 00:20:55 CDT 2000

You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
		-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food

Wed Jun 21 08:41:34 CDT 2000

Yow!  Now we can become alcoholics!

Thu Jun 22 01:05:42 CDT 2000

Campbell's Law:
	Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.

Sat Jun 24 01:44:26 CDT 2000

The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.

Sat Jun 24 21:00:21 CDT 2000

You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.
		-- Joseph Conrad

Sun Jun 25 14:57:41 CDT 2000

FEELINGS are cascading over me!!!

Tue Jun 27 00:36:28 CDT 2000

For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.

Tue Jun 27 23:32:05 CDT 2000

The leaves were long, the grass was green,
The hemlock-umbels tall and fair,
And in the glade a light was seen
Of stars in shadow shimmering.
Tin'uviel was dancing there
To music of a pipe unseen,
And light of stars was in her hair,
And in her raiment glimmering.

There Beren came from mountains colds,
And lost he wandered under leaves,
And where the Elven-river rolled
He walked alone and sorrowing.
He peered between the hemlock-leaves
And saw in wonder flowers of gold
Upon her mantle and her sleeves,
And her hair like shadow following.

Enchantment healed his weary feet
That over hills were doomed to roam;
And forth he hastened, strong and fleet,
And grasped at moonbeams glistening.
Through woven woods in Elvenhome
She lightly fled on dancing feet,
And left him lonely still to roam
In the silent forest listening.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Thu Jun 29 07:51:11 CDT 2000

Economies of scale:
	The notion that bigger is better.  In particular, that if you want
	a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one
	biggie than a bunch of smallies.  Accepted as an article of faith
	by people who love big machines and all that complexity.  Rejected
	as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all
	those limitations.

Thu Jun 29 14:21:54 CDT 2000

Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical 
vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.
- The Firesign Theater

Thu Jun 29 15:59:50 CDT 2000

Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.

Fri Jun 30 20:51:57 CDT 2000

I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality.
		-- The Who

Sat Jul  1 15:48:41 CDT 2000

Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem
in relation to a bigger problem.
		-- P.D. Ouspensky

Sun Jul  2 20:22:25 CDT 2000

It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card
may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces.  One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
		-- Aviation Week and Space Technology

Mon Jul  3 20:15:33 CDT 2000

Vulcans worship peace above all.
		-- McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3

Mon Jul  3 20:49:41 CDT 2000

It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.

Tue Aug  1 00:43:52 CDT 2000

The second best policy is dishonesty.

Tue Aug  1 00:55:58 CDT 2000

Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

Tue Aug  1 15:12:28 CDT 2000

A young man wrote to Mozart and said:

Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any
   suggestions as to how to get started?"
A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with
   some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony."
Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old."
A: "But I never asked anybody how."

Tue Aug  1 15:20:53 CDT 2000

Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.
		-- John Keats

Tue Aug  1 15:21:13 CDT 2000

Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves that they have a better idea.
		-- John Ciardi

Tue Aug  1 16:59:33 CDT 2000

Lackland's Laws:
	(1) Never be first.
	(2) Never be last.
	(3) Never volunteer for anything

Wed Aug  2 00:36:09 CDT 2000

Women waste men's lives and think they have indemnified them by a few
gracious words.
		-- Honor'e de Balzac

Wed Aug  2 11:43:17 CDT 2000

Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.

Thu Aug  3 00:26:19 CDT 2000

Fine's Corollary:
	Functionality breeds Contempt.

Fri Aug  4 00:56:07 CDT 2000

Some people's mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they
haven't even thought of yet.

Fri Aug  4 12:57:11 CDT 2000

Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.

Fri Aug  4 13:16:50 CDT 2000

I don't know anything about music.  In my line you don't have to.
		-- Elvis Presley

Fri Aug  4 13:49:44 CDT 2000

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
		-- W.C. Fields

Fri Aug  4 13:54:43 CDT 2000

How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?

Fri Aug  4 14:28:13 CDT 2000

Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?
A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd
	like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers,
	"and some cigarettes."

Sun Aug  6 16:13:55 CDT 2000

Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority
over the other.
		-- Honore DeBalzac

Sun Aug  6 16:19:54 CDT 2000

He's dead, Jim.
		-- McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1

Mon Aug  7 09:36:29 CDT 2000

Change is the essential process of all existence.
		-- Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2

Mon Aug  7 14:39:19 CDT 2000

To understand this important story, you have to understand how the telephone
company works.  Your telephone is connected to a local computer, which is in
turn connected to a regional computer, which is in turn connected to a
loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of
Lawrence, Kan.

Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in.  If it
suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the computer
above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the one above it,
until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe break down in tears
and tell your closest friend about a sordid incident from your past
involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, an entire religious order, a
garden hose and six quarts of tapioca pudding, the top computer feeds your
conversation into Edna's loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on
the porch to listen and drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
		-- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own Phones?"

Wed Aug  9 07:23:20 CDT 2000

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
		-- Doug Larson

Wed Aug  9 12:57:28 CDT 2000

Fine day for friends.
So-so day for you.

Wed Aug  9 13:38:23 CDT 2000

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Wed Aug  9 17:15:29 CDT 2000

Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
		-- Kathleen Norris

Wed Aug  9 21:27:56 CDT 2000

The grave's a fine and private place,
but none, I think, do there embrace.
		-- Andrew Marvell

Fri Aug 11 07:09:45 CDT 2000

My mother drinks to forget she drinks.
		-- Crazy Jimmy

Fri Aug 11 14:21:57 CDT 2000

Es brilig war.  Die schlichte Toven
	Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
	Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
		-- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"

Fri Aug 11 16:49:53 CDT 2000

San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city.  I don't mean the
people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy.  When
they boo you, you know they mean *you*.  Music, that's what it is to me.
One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo.
		-- George Halas, professional football coach

Fri Aug 11 17:10:49 CDT 2000

A list is only as strong as its weakest link.
		-- Don Knuth

Fri Aug 11 18:51:39 CDT 2000

Of course it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.
		-- Charles Bukowski

Fri Aug 11 21:19:18 CDT 2000

Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
		-- Henry Spencer

Sat Aug 12 02:44:45 CDT 2000

If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a
hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.
		-- Neil Bogart

Sat Aug 12 13:02:43 CDT 2000

Second Law of Final Exams:
	In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most
	distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.

Sun Aug 13 06:55:48 CDT 2000

A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a
late card games.
	"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife,"
he said.  "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast
into the garage.  Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and
tiptoe to our room.  But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always
wakes up and gives me hell."
	"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied.
	"You do?"
	"Sure.  I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights,
stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss.  `Hi, Alice,' I say.
`How about a little smooch for your old man?'"
	"And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief.
	"She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied.  "She always pretends
she's asleep."

Sun Aug 13 07:28:48 CDT 2000

Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.

Sun Aug 13 15:26:29 CDT 2000

The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
		-- Fred Allen

Mon Aug 14 12:30:45 CDT 2000

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. 
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
		-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Mon Aug 14 18:08:47 CDT 2000

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
		-- Bert Whitney

Mon Aug 14 18:43:36 CDT 2000

Marigold:		Jealousy
Mint:			Virute
Orange blossom:		Your purity equals your loveliness
Orchid:			Beauty, magnificence
Pansy:			Thoughts
Peach blossom:		I am your captive
Petunia:		Your presence soothes me
Poppy:			Sleep
Rose, any color:	Love
Rose, deep red:		Bashful shame
Rose, single, pink:	Simplicity
Rose, thornless, any:	Early attachment
Rose, white:		I am worthy of you
Rose, yellow:		Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
Rosebud, white:		Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
Rosemary:		Remembrance
Sunflower:		Haughtiness
Tulip, red:		Declaration of love
Tulip, yellow:		Hopeless love
Violet, blue:		Faithfulness
Violet, white:		Modesty
Zinnia:			Thoughts of absent friends
	* An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning.

Mon Aug 14 21:16:31 CDT 2000

Chicken Soup:
	An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
	cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup
	can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

Tue Aug 15 03:38:57 CDT 2000

We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.

Wed Aug 16 00:53:56 CDT 2000

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Wed Aug 16 12:38:49 CDT 2000

Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.

Wed Aug 16 17:06:57 CDT 2000

Don't guess -- check your security regulations.

Wed Aug 16 22:24:30 CDT 2000

Never laugh at live dragons.
		-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]

Thu Aug 17 12:59:21 CDT 2000

Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.

Thu Aug 17 13:44:07 CDT 2000

This is Jim Rockford.
At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you.

This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds.  Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and
his bail is forfeit.  That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe.
Sorry, Jim, bring it on over.

This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you...  Is this a machine?  I don't
talk to machines!  [Click]
		-- "The Rockford Files"

Wed Aug 23 07:27:08 CDT 2000

If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude.
If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the
game right.  If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of
course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make
goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?
		-- Sparky Anderson

Wed Aug 23 20:53:55 CDT 2000

A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom
of a well.

Thu Aug 24 00:12:35 CDT 2000

The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with
symposium to follow.

Thu Aug 24 00:14:44 CDT 2000

Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off
some of the others.

Thu Sep  7 19:48:00 CDT 2000

Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other "sins" are
invented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).
		-- Lazarus Long

Fri Sep  8 05:02:51 CDT 2000

"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor
reptile and not very much of a bird."
- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has
studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"

Sat Sep  9 11:52:28 CDT 2000

I have a TINY BOWL in my HEAD

Sat Sep  9 20:27:07 CDT 2000

There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.

Mon Sep 11 21:17:21 CDT 2000

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
		-- Miguel de Cervantes

Mon Sep 11 21:46:30 CDT 2000

When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
know the answer either.
		-- Edgar R. Fiedler

Wed Sep 13 22:19:33 CDT 2000

statistics, n.:
	A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing
	scientific guise.

Wed Sep 13 23:25:03 CDT 2000

Largest Number of Driving Test Failures
	By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine
times.  In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and
twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300.  She set the new record while
driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield,
Yorkshire.  Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August
1970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was
reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns.
		-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"

Fri Sep 15 19:20:40 CDT 2000

Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world.
		-- Richard Armour

Sat Sep 16 15:19:49 CDT 2000

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York
City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to
Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."
		-- David Letterman

Sat Sep 16 19:22:35 CDT 2000

Fortune favors the lucky.

Sat Sep 16 21:46:45 CDT 2000

To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.

Sun Sep 17 02:22:07 CDT 2000

"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in
purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the
old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."
- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry

Sun Sep 17 16:10:57 CDT 2000

There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital
and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting
each other's throat.
		-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"

Sun Sep 17 17:31:20 CDT 2000

Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.

Sun Sep 17 20:41:36 CDT 2000

Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

Mon Sep 18 10:31:15 CDT 2000

I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
		-- August Strindberg

Mon Sep 18 14:24:20 CDT 2000

Words are the voice of the heart.

Mon Sep 18 14:57:56 CDT 2000

If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.

Mon Sep 18 18:23:57 CDT 2000

Old programmers never die, they just become managers.

Mon Sep 18 22:14:09 CDT 2000

Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never
really happened.

Tue Sep 19 00:16:32 CDT 2000

One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.

Tue Sep 19 03:26:33 CDT 2000

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Tue Sep 19 16:08:30 CDT 2000

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a lift home from the office.

Tue Sep 19 16:26:35 CDT 2000

Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.
- Anonymous

Tue Sep 19 22:53:21 CDT 2000

When love is gone, there's always justice.
And when justice is gone, there's always force.
And when force is gone, there's always Mom.
Hi, Mom!
		-- Laurie Anderson

Thu Sep 21 09:10:58 CDT 2000

Actor			Real Name

Boris Karloff		William Henry Pratt
Cary Grant		Archibald Leach
Edward G. Robinson	Emmanual Goldenburg
Gene Wilder		Gerald Silberman
John Wayne		Marion Morrison
Kirk Douglas		Issur Danielovitch
Richard Burton		Richard Jenkins Jr.
Roy Rogers		Leonard Slye
Woody Allen		Allen Stewart Konigsberg

Wed Oct  4 07:55:32 CDT 2000

I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards
why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the
small number needed [1 per month] in his factory.  He explained that this
would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency.
Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures
them completely, even molding the keypads.
		-- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979

Wed Oct  4 10:21:22 CDT 2000

Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A:	About 10 pounds.

Q:	How do you make them the same?
A:	Force feed the elephant.

Wed Oct  4 20:18:01 CDT 2000

Oh, give me a home,
Where the buffalo roam,
And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen.

Wed Oct  4 23:23:48 CDT 2000

The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on
weather forecasters.
		-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann

Thu Oct  5 17:13:25 CDT 2000

What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.

Fri Oct  6 08:48:41 CDT 2000

Q:	How do you know when you're in the  section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.

Sat Oct  7 00:48:08 CDT 2000

People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.

Sat Oct  7 06:23:43 CDT 2000

Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.

Sun Oct  8 08:09:34 CDT 2000

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and
incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
		-- Emo Philips

Sun Oct  8 10:37:59 CDT 2000

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
- Ted Turner

Sun Oct  8 12:50:02 CDT 2000

Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
		-- Paul Simon

Sun Oct  8 23:50:10 CDT 2000

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
		-- F. Brooks, "The Mythical Man-Month"

Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by
close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and
scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein.
		-- George Washington, 1732-1799

Mon Oct  9 15:01:41 CDT 2000

One planet is all you get.

Mon Oct  9 18:08:02 CDT 2000

The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and
not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could
have materialized -- and never knowing.
		-- David Viscott

Mon Oct  9 20:34:19 CDT 2000

When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!"
		-- Turkish proverb

Mon Oct  9 23:38:09 CDT 2000

Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.

Tue Oct 10 08:14:41 CDT 2000

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.

Tue Oct 10 12:19:51 CDT 2000

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher
esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.
		-- Nietzsche

Tue Oct 10 13:12:08 CDT 2000

"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith

Tue Oct 10 13:55:25 CDT 2000

Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.

Tue Oct 10 18:34:02 CDT 2000

Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson.  A beer, Woody.
		-- Cheers, Paint Your Office

Sam:  How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.
		-- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss

Woody:  Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:   A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody:  For a beer?
Norm:   No, for stupid questions.
		-- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie

Tue Oct 10 21:41:35 CDT 2000

The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
		-- Harlan Ellison

Wed Oct 11 04:58:08 CDT 2000

Where will it all end?  Probably somewhere near where it all began.

Wed Oct 11 14:32:43 CDT 2000

There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
		-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"

Sun Oct 15 07:45:41 CDT 2000

Well begun is half done.
		-- Aristotle

Sun Oct 15 17:56:57 CDT 2000

An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane
when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island.  When
several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a
despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his
usual pledge to the United Way Campaign.
	"We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband
barked.  "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but
I've already paid them half of it."
	"You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed
euphorically.  "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us!  They'll find us!"

Mon Oct 16 02:01:42 CDT 2000

Do not despair of life.  You have no doubt force enough to overcome your
obstacles.  Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in a winter night
for something to satisfy his hunger.  Notwithstanding cold and hounds and
traps, his race survives.  I do not believe any of them ever committed suicide.
		-- Henry David Thoreau

Tue Oct 17 08:11:13 CDT 2000

	Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month.
According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing
severe marketing anxiety in China.
	The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending
on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole".
	Bite the wax tadpole.
	There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
	The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard
to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax
tadpole.  Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare.  Not bad, but broad
satiric vistas do not open up.
		-- John Carrol, The San Francisco Chronicle

Tue Oct 17 16:12:12 CDT 2000

Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Tue Oct 17 21:01:11 CDT 2000

When you get your PH.D. will you get able to work at BURGER KING?

Wed Oct 18 03:06:38 CDT 2000

Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.

Mon Nov  6 08:27:46 CST 2000

For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
		-- R. Clopton

Mon Nov  6 08:29:58 CST 2000

Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to
corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in
favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.
		-- Piers Anthony

Mon Nov  6 08:41:41 CST 2000

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has
already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished,
and put inside boxes.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"

Mon Nov  6 08:51:24 CST 2000

Once is happenstance,
Twice is coincidence,
Three times is enemy action.
		-- Auric Goldfinger

Mon Nov  6 09:26:56 CST 2000

Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
		-- Dr. Karl Bowman

Mon Nov  6 13:47:08 CST 2000

I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.

Mon Nov  6 17:04:31 CST 2000

Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
	Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
	is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
	never hope to acquire it.

Mon Nov  6 23:03:34 CST 2000

In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between
frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they
are all merely transforms of one another.  This combined with
minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct
compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can
lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost.  However,
this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd.

Tue Nov  7 03:06:46 CST 2000

We come to bury DOS, not to praise it.
(Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)

Fri Nov 10 10:31:42 CST 2000

[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine
women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
		-- Wernher von Braun

Fri Nov 10 11:22:23 CST 2000

You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who
points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!"  You immediately get
attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra
chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a
gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a
rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy
trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a
vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyranosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch
long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is
dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your
head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves
are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to
transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton.  Oh dear, you seem
to have gotten yourself killed, as well.

You scored 0 out of 250 possible points.
That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer.
To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points.

Fri Nov 10 19:16:57 CST 2000

Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear
witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity.  Their conviction results
from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences.
Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief
and new schisms among believers.  In the 16th century the printed book helped
make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants.  In the 20th
century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce.
Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM
PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded.  Each cult
holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other.  Each thinks that it
is itself the one hope for salvation.
		-- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988

Fri Nov 10 19:43:41 CST 2000

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
		-- Mae West

Sat Nov 11 05:31:27 CST 2000

Man and wife make one fool.

Sun Nov 12 08:15:57 CST 2000

God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!

Sun Nov 12 08:34:55 CST 2000

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.

Sun Nov 12 09:55:23 CST 2000

The night passes quickly when you're asleep
But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat
...
Breakfast at the Egg House,
Like the waffle on the griddle,
I'm burnt around the edges,
But I'm tender in the middle.
		-- Adrian Belew

Sun Nov 12 14:00:36 CST 2000

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure,
it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy.
		-- Nietzsche

Sun Nov 12 17:37:38 CST 2000

Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Tue Nov 14 08:03:27 CST 2000

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born
to people you could not have possibly met.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

Tue Nov 14 12:49:44 CST 2000

Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had
been different in the past.

Tue Nov 14 13:35:20 CST 2000

Most people exhibit what political scientists call "the conservatism of the
peasantry."  Don't lose what you've got.  Don't change.  Don't take a chance,
because you might end up starving to death.  Play it safe.  Buy just as much
as you need.  Don't waste time.

When  we think about risk, human beings and corporations realize in their
heads that risks are necessary to grow, to survive.  But when it comes down
to keeping good people when the crunch comes, or investing money in
something untried, only the brave reach deep into their pockets and play
the game as it must be played.

- David Lammers, "Yakitori", Electronic Engineering Times, January 18, 1988

Tue Nov 14 14:41:24 CST 2000

I don't understand you anymore.

Tue Nov 14 14:41:44 CST 2000

	A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the
movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.

Tue Nov 14 15:34:48 CST 2000

Well, fancy giving money to the Government!
Might as well have put it down the drain.
Fancy giving money to the Government!
Nobody will see the stuff again.
Well, they've no idea what money's for --
Ten to one they'll start another war.
I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'!
Fancy giving money to the Government!
		-- A.P. Herbert

Tue Nov 14 17:51:33 CST 2000

We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful --
but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and
then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?
		-- Ensign Flandry

Wed Nov 15 02:19:28 CST 2000

The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact
mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.
- Frank Zappa

Wed Nov 15 07:25:38 CST 2000

You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.

Thu Nov 16 14:39:02 CST 2000

QOTD:
	"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."

Thu Nov 16 17:53:55 CST 2000

May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.

Thu Nov 16 19:11:09 CST 2000

Bit off more than my mind could chew,
Shower or suicide, what do I do?
		-- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?"

Fri Nov 17 08:28:15 CST 2000

Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.

Sun Nov 19 15:27:18 CST 2000

The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.

Sat Nov 25 08:26:55 CST 2000

The IBM 2250 is impressive ...
if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.
		-- D. Cohen

Sat Nov 25 09:07:37 CST 2000

If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be
replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!

Sat Nov 25 10:21:00 CST 2000

"No program is perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
"The customer's happy--
What's one little bug?"

But he was determined,			Then change two, then three more,
The others went home.			As year followed year.
He dug out the flow chart		And strangers would comment,
Deserted, alone.			"Is that guy still here?"

Night passed into morning.		He died at the console
The room was cluttered			Of hunger and thirst
With core dumps, source listings.	Next day he was buried
"I'm close," he muttered.		Face down, nine edge first.

Chain smoking, cold coffee,		And his wife through her tears
Logic, deduction.			Accepted his fate.
"I've got it!" he cried,		Said "He's not really gone,
"Just change one instruction."		He's just working late."
		-- The Perfect Programmer

Sat Nov 25 13:56:19 CST 2000

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

Sat Nov 25 16:59:33 CST 2000

If Robert Di Niro assassinates Walter Slezak, will Jodie Foster marry Bonzo??

Sat Nov 25 17:34:49 CST 2000

It's clever, but is it art?

Sat Nov 25 18:56:02 CST 2000

FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse
using ad hoc techniques.
		-- D. Gries
		[What's good about it?  Ed.]

Sat Nov 25 22:42:35 CST 2000

Once is happenstance,
Twice is coincidence,
Three times is enemy action.
		-- Auric Goldfinger

Sun Nov 26 14:55:11 CST 2000

	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you
think you're going to find a lawyer?"

Sun Nov 26 17:31:07 CST 2000

Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!

Sun Nov 26 19:24:25 CST 2000

It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first
thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody.
		-- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night"

Sun Nov 26 22:55:58 CST 2000

If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
		-- Alan Parsons Project

Mon Nov 27 06:44:00 CST 2000

"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."
-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_

Wed Nov 29 11:05:26 CST 2000

Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.

Thu Nov 30 07:41:32 CST 2000

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

Thu Nov 30 07:48:25 CST 2000

Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know better.  The things
I worry about don't happen.
		-- Watchman Examiner

Thu Nov 30 21:50:13 CST 2000

It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to
our ancestors.
		-- Plutarch

Sat Dec  2 10:26:44 CST 2000

It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...

Sat Dec  2 10:28:09 CST 2000

The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the
redoubtable John W. Campbell:

	The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the
	people who were ever born in the history of the world are now
	dead.  There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is
	being read by a corpse.

Mon Dec  4 09:10:06 CST 2000

I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never any good to oneself.
		-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"

Mon Dec  4 11:14:04 CST 2000

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
after fact and reason.
		-- John Keats

Mon Dec  4 13:00:46 CST 2000

As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.
		-- Dave "First Strike" Pare

Mon Dec  4 13:05:28 CST 2000

Give him an evasive answer.

Tue Dec  5 16:13:12 CST 2000

Trap full -- please empty.

Thu Dec  7 13:52:02 CST 2000

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Mon Dec 11 09:00:17 CST 2000

Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor.

INSTRUCTION SET
	Code	Mnemonic	What
	0	NOP		No Operation
	1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits)

Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!

Mon Dec 11 14:02:59 CST 2000

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
		-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Mon Dec 11 20:05:47 CST 2000

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree
But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree.

Wed Dec 13 22:10:08 CST 2000

Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can
doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all present
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
		-- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life". 

Sat Dec 16 06:56:23 CST 2000

I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Sat Dec 16 10:45:02 CST 2000

A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions
he is able to answer.
		-- Ronald Colman

Sat Dec 16 13:01:14 CST 2000

	During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He
stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"

Sat Dec 16 19:43:30 CST 2000

Topologists are just plane folks.
	Pilots are just plane folks.
		Carpenters are just plane folks.
			Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
		Musicians are just playin' folks.
	Whodunit readers are just Spillane folks.
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.

Sat Dec 16 23:30:16 CST 2000

In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!"
And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.

Mon Dec 18 08:35:45 CST 2000

Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?

Mon Dec 18 11:07:03 CST 2000

Throw away documentation and manuals,
and users will be a hundred times happier.
Throw away privileges and quotas,
and users will do the Right Thing.
Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
and there won't be any pirating.

If these three aren't enough,
just stay at your home directory 
and let all processes take their course.

Mon Dec 18 16:43:02 CST 2000

Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.
		-- Helen Keller

Mon Dec 18 19:59:46 CST 2000

A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to
you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to
you about yourself.
		-- Lisa Kirk

Tue Dec 19 01:15:25 CST 2000

phosflink:
	To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that
	will bring it back to life).
		-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Tue Dec 19 18:17:53 CST 2000

Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.
		-- Herodotus

Tue Dec 19 19:10:11 CST 2000

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he
has income and she is pattable.
		-- Ogden Nash

Tue Dec 19 20:32:17 CST 2000

Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.
		-- Neil Armstrong

Tue Dec 19 23:18:14 CST 2000

Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's
place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

	Q -- Is there life after death?
	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New
Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian",
then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was
fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have
spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful
headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back
to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I
guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long
as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
		-- Dave Barry

Wed Dec 20 05:41:30 CST 2000

Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.

Fri Dec 22 06:40:06 CST 2000

Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.
		-- Linda Festa

Fri Dec 22 11:39:17 CST 2000

Reach into the thoughts of friends,
And find they do not know your name.
Squeeze the teddy bear too tight,
And watch the feathers burst the seams.
Touch the stained glass with your cheek,
And feel its chill upon your blood.
Hold a candle to the night,
And see the darkness bend the flame.
Tear the mask of peace from God,
And hear the roar of souls in hell.
Pluck a rose in name of love,
And watch the petals curl and wilt.
Lean upon the western wind,
And know you are alone.
		-- Dru Mims

Fri Dec 22 15:44:29 CST 2000

It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.

Sat Dec 23 08:43:16 CST 2000

No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the
Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea,
Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if
a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes
me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know
for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.
		-- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland"

Sat Dec 23 21:01:07 CST 2000

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a
scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
		-- Matt Cartmill

Sun Dec 24 18:17:37 CST 2000

Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Sun Dec 24 23:24:14 CST 2000

Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Mon Dec 25 02:38:13 CST 2000

 In respect to lock-making, there can scarcely be such a thing as dishonesty 
 of intention: the inventor produces a lock which he honestly thinks will 
 possess such and such qualities; and he declares his belief to the world.
 If others differ from him in opinion concerning those qualities, it is open
 to them to say so; and the discussion, truthfully conducted, must lead to
 public advantage: the discussion stimulates curiosity, and curiosity stimu-
 lates invention.  Nothing but a partial and limited view of the question
 could lead to the opinion that harm can result: if there be harm, it will be
 much more than counterbalanced by good."
-- Charles Tomlinson's Rudimentary Treatise on the Construction of Locks, 
   published around 1850.

Tue Dec 26 06:47:05 CST 2000

The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)

Tue Dec 26 08:09:44 CST 2000

If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
		-- Schmidt

Tue Dec 26 10:31:51 CST 2000

Many aligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.

Tue Dec 26 16:13:56 CST 2000

"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few
 simple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."
 --John Sladek

Tue Dec 26 17:07:31 CST 2000

George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of
his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
	"Bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he
had a previous engagement.  He also attached the following:
	"Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one."

Tue Dec 26 19:03:10 CST 2000

If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's
read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves.
		-- Don Marquis

Wed Dec 27 01:10:20 CST 2000

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.

Wed Dec 27 11:23:51 CST 2000

The Illiterati Programus Canto 1:
	A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and
	sometimes it blows.

Wed Dec 27 17:00:40 CST 2000

A fool and his money are soon popular.

Thu Dec 28 07:50:26 CST 2000

You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Thu Dec 28 09:22:12 CST 2000

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Thu Dec 28 12:03:42 CST 2000

Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.

Thu Dec 28 15:18:41 CST 2000

No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a
nuisance after three days.
		-- Titus Maccius Plautus

Thu Dec 28 19:29:43 CST 2000

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.
		-- Evan Davis

Thu Dec 28 22:59:10 CST 2000

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
	Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Sat Dec 30 07:09:30 CST 2000

Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
day as it comes.
		-- Donald Kaul

Sat Dec 30 18:39:37 CST 2000

Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.

Sat Dec 30 20:36:58 CST 2000

If you lose a son you can always get another, but there's only one
Maltese Falcon.
		-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"

Sat Dec 30 20:57:23 CST 2000

Honi soit qui mal y pense.
	[Evil to him who evil thinks.]
		-- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)

Sun Dec 31 14:39:57 CST 2000

			HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 4

proof by personal communication:
	'Eight-dimensional colored cycle stripping is NP-complete 
	[Karp, personal communication].' 

proof by reduction to the wrong problem:
	'To see that infinite-dimensional colored cycle stripping is 
	decidable, we reduce it to the halting problem.' 

proof by reference to inaccessible literature:
	The author cites a simple corollary of a theorem to be found 
	in a privately circulated memoir of the Slovenian 
	Philological Society, 1883.

proof by importance:
	A large body of useful consequences all follow from the 
	proposition in question.

Tue Jan  2 07:22:59 CST 2001

On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.

Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

	See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
	Mr. Spock is at his side.
	The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
	It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
	-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics,
	   "The Good Ship Enterprise," to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop"

Tue Jan  2 15:43:02 CST 2001

	Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside.
	Her voice was little more than a whisper.
	"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go.  I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles.  And it was I who
forced your mistress to leave the city.  And I am the one who reported 
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
	"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."

Wed Jan  3 01:43:29 CST 2001

A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
		-- Klipstein

Wed Jan  3 09:25:39 CST 2001

He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.
		-- Lao Tsu

Wed Jan  3 14:29:11 CST 2001

	I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments
of others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such
as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I conceive",
"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me
at present".
	When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
	I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I
happened to be in the right.
		-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Wed Jan  3 17:20:51 CST 2001

Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make
it complex and wonderful.

Wed Jan  3 20:20:04 CST 2001

"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"
-- William E. Davidsen

Wed Jan  3 21:05:04 CST 2001

For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.
		-- Andy Capp

Wed Jan  3 21:07:55 CST 2001

Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near
the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people
to do so.
		-- Bertrand Russell

Thu Jan  4 02:55:34 CST 2001

On a morning from a Bogart movie, in a country where they turned back time,
You go strolling through the crowd like Peter Lorre contemplating a crime.
She comes out of the sun in a silk dress running like a watercolor in the rain.
Don't bother asking for explanations, she'll just tell you that she came
In the Year of the Cat.

She doesn't give you time for questions, as she locks up your arm in hers,
And you follow 'till your sense of which direction completely disappears.
By the blue-tiled walls near the market stall there's a hidden door she
    leads you to.
These days, she say, I feel my life just like a river running through
The Year of the Cat.

Well, she looks at you so coolly,
And her eyes shine like the moon in the sea.
She comes in incense and patchouli,
So you take her to find what's waiting inside
The Year of the Cat.

Well, morning comes and you're still with her, but the bus and the tourists
    are gone,
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket, so you have to stay on.
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain in the rhythm of the new-born day.
You know some time you're bound to leave her, but for now you're going to stay
In the Year of the Cat.
		-- Al Stewart, "Year of the Cat"

Thu Jan  4 07:27:56 CST 2001

Password:

Thu Jan  4 11:03:32 CST 2001

Every cloud engenders not a storm.
		-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"

Thu Jan  4 17:10:21 CST 2001

audophile, n:
	Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.

Thu Jan  4 22:02:49 CST 2001

You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke?
		-- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus

Fri Jan  5 00:36:23 CST 2001

I can't think about that.  It doesn't go with HEDGES in the shape of
LITTLE LULU -- or ROBOTS making BRICKS ...

Fri Jan  5 06:20:01 CST 2001

By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
		-- Confucius

Fri Jan  5 11:49:59 CST 2001

Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain?
Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people without brains
		do an awful lot of talking.
		-- The Wizard of Oz

Fri Jan  5 15:17:25 CST 2001

	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
house."
	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."

Fri Jan  5 18:50:19 CST 2001

Absolutum obsoletum.  (If it works, it's out of date.)
		-- Stafford Beer

Sat Jan  6 01:43:16 CST 2001

We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.

Sat Jan  6 16:49:20 CST 2001

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
		-- George Bernard Shaw

Sat Jan  6 23:04:21 CST 2001

Say it with flowers,
Or say it with mink,
But whatever you do,
Don't say it with ink!
		-- Jimmie Durante

Mon Jan  8 07:51:05 CST 2001

Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
	We are no longer allowing this practice.  We wish to discourage any
thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not
consider having anything removed.  We hired you as you are, and to have
anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

Mon Jan  8 07:52:22 CST 2001

Semper Fi, dude.

Mon Jan  8 11:49:27 CST 2001

If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell.
		-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)

Mon Jan  8 14:59:57 CST 2001

TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
	never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.

Mon Jan  8 18:16:11 CST 2001

Coronation, n.:
	The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
	signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mon Jan  8 23:30:17 CST 2001

... If I had heart failure right now, I couldn't be a more fortunate man!!

Tue Jan  9 07:08:21 CST 2001

Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Tue Jan  9 14:37:18 CST 2001

	In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he
sat hacking at the PDP-6.
	"What are you doing?", asked Minsky.
	"I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe."
	"Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky.
	"I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play".
	At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
	"So that the room will be empty."
	At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.

Tue Jan  9 16:38:14 CST 2001

It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson

Wed Jan 10 01:07:29 CST 2001

"Elvis is my copilot."
-- Cal Keegan

Wed Jan 10 01:21:14 CST 2001

The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through
three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and
Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases.  For
instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?"
the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?".
		-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Wed Jan 10 14:16:48 CST 2001

Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle
taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for
all I know.
		-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25

Thu Jan 11 14:38:16 CST 2001

Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.

Thu Jan 11 17:07:34 CST 2001

That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love,
that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love
in the same way as us.
		-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Fri Jan 12 08:18:06 CST 2001

There's a little picture of ED MCMAHON doing BAD THINGS to JOAN RIVERS
in a $200,000 MALIBU BEACH HOUSE!!

Fri Jan 12 13:58:22 CST 2001

A tautology is a thing which is tautological.

Fri Jan 12 23:44:24 CST 2001

Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis.  You can't simply say,
"Today I will be brilliant."
		-- Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3

Sat Jan 13 12:54:36 CST 2001

Croll's Query:
	If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Sat Jan 13 17:55:52 CST 2001

We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.
		-- Jonathon Swift

Sun Jan 14 02:12:22 CST 2001

What hath Bob wrought?

Sun Jan 14 10:03:42 CST 2001

Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.

Sun Jan 14 13:51:34 CST 2001

The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene
of shooting employees who make mistakes.  We will now refer to this process
as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk).  The
employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next.  All the terrible
temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated.
		-- Kenny's Korner

Mon Jan 15 06:56:27 CST 2001

He heard there oft the flying sound
Of feet as light as linden-leaves,
Of music welling underground,
In hidden hollows quavering.
Now withered lay the hemlock-sheaves,
And one by one with sighing sound
Whispering fell the beechen leaves
In the wintry woodland wavering.

He sought her ever, wandering far
Where leaves of years were thickly strewn,
By light of moon and ray of star
In frosty heavens shivering.
Her mantle glinted in the moon,
As on a hill-top high and far
She danced, and at her feet was strewn
A mist of silver quivering.

When winter passed, she came again,
And her song released the sudden spring,
Like rising lark, and falling rain,
And melting water bubbling.
He saw the elven-flowers spring
About her feet, and healed again
He longed by her to dance and sing
Upon the grass untroubling.
		-- J. R. R. Tolkien

Tue Jan 16 09:01:49 CST 2001

Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you
from enjoying it.

Tue Jan 16 11:31:34 CST 2001

Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?

Tue Jan 16 13:50:57 CST 2001

"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful
if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid
in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise
but made him happy.
Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."
-- Sam Weber

Wed Jan 17 00:35:49 CST 2001

Battle, n.:
	A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that
	will not yield to the tongue.
		-- Ambrose Bierce

Wed Jan 17 01:22:38 CST 2001

Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I
not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I don't know why I shouldn't --
Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not
do it? -- Why not? -- Strange!  I shall do the same for you, when you want
me to.  Why not?  Why should I not do it for you?  Strange!  Why not? --
I can't think why not.
		-- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria,
		   "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele

Sun Jan 21 15:01:50 CST 2001

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.

Sun Jan 21 22:52:35 CST 2001

Don't abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.

Wed Jan 24 11:19:10 CST 2001

Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Thu Jan 25 09:38:34 CST 2001

Use the Force, Luke.

Thu Jan 25 16:58:26 CST 2001

I like the way ONLY their mouths move ...  They look like DYING OYSTERS

Sun Jan 28 11:16:52 CST 2001

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
		-- Ted Turner

Sun Jan 28 17:19:23 CST 2001

Q:	What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant?
A:	About 10 pounds.

Q:	How do you make them the same?
A:	Force feed the elephant.

Wed Jan 31 17:56:56 CST 2001

Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
		-- Thomas L. Martin

Thu Feb  1 23:39:54 CST 2001

Leona, I want to CONFESS things to you ... I want to WRAP you in a SCARLET
ROBE trimmed with POLYVINYL CHLORIDE ... I want to EMPTY your ASHTRAYS ...

Sat Feb  3 07:09:33 CST 2001

There is no sin but ignorance.
		-- Christopher Marlowe

Mon Feb  5 09:09:38 CST 2001

People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the
future.

Mon Feb  5 12:47:45 CST 2001

I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!

Mon Feb  5 16:14:50 CST 2001

"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."
-- Nathaniel Branden

Tue Feb  6 00:55:17 CST 2001

I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42.
		-- W.C. Fields

Wed Feb  7 09:29:13 CST 2001

The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.
		-- J.P. Getty

Wed Feb  7 13:42:36 CST 2001

Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
	The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
	to... to... uh.....

Wed Feb  7 15:48:43 CST 2001

FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#14
	The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe"
Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland.

Wed Feb  7 19:23:32 CST 2001

To err is human, to forgive unusual.

Thu Feb  8 00:20:18 CST 2001

	A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 
whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
	The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the Garden 
itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 
and the world were created.  So God must have been an architect."
	The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

Fri Feb  9 07:26:42 CST 2001

... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get
to know each other.
		-- Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5

Fri Feb  9 18:09:40 CST 2001

Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.
		-- Alfred North Whitehead

Sat Feb 10 16:09:15 CST 2001

Kent's Heuristic:
	Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.

Sun Feb 11 01:43:57 CST 2001

Depart in pieces, i.e., split.

Sun Feb 11 01:47:37 CST 2001

Whoever dies with the most toys wins.

Mon Feb 12 09:01:20 CST 2001

So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course
of action.  Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a
friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth
could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could
use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely-
for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible
the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to
extrapolate the location of their kitchens).
		-- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost"

Mon Feb 12 13:40:21 CST 2001

Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Tue Feb 13 11:24:12 CST 2001

Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A:	Will the defendant please rise?

Tue Feb 13 18:08:28 CST 2001

Parkinson's Fifth Law:
	If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
	bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.

Tue Feb 13 22:13:50 CST 2001

It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.

Thu Feb 15 08:08:31 CST 2001

Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.
-- Martin Amis, _Money_

Thu Feb 15 13:42:47 CST 2001

I am changing my name to Chrysler
I am going down to Washington, D.C.
I will tell some power broker
	What they did for Iacocca
Will be perfectly acceptable to me!

I am changing my name to Chrysler,
I am heading for that great receiving line.
When they hand a million grand out,
	I'll be standing with my hand out,
Yessir, I'll get mine!

Thu Feb 15 15:33:11 CST 2001

See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause
the second one should have seen it.

Thu Feb 15 20:08:36 CST 2001

Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be?  And if, y'know,
if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I?  And if not
now, like I dunno, maybe like when?  And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe
like the Rolling Stones?
		-- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote
		   attributed to Rabbi Hillel.)

Fri Feb 16 06:33:15 CST 2001

"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at
hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the
Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."
-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology

Fri Feb 16 16:58:06 CST 2001

"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."
- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap"

Fri Feb 16 18:59:48 CST 2001

The language provides a programmer with a set of conceptual tools; if these are
inadequate for the task, they will simply be ignored.  For example, seriously
restricting the concept of a pointer simply forces the programmer to use a
vector plus integer arithmetic to implement structures, pointer, etc.  Good
design and the absence of errors cannot be guaranteed by mere language
features.
-- Bjarne Stroustrup, "The C++ Programming Language"

Fri Feb 16 23:21:42 CST 2001

Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.

Sat Feb 17 01:45:38 CST 2001

"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead 
girl or a live boy."
-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards

Sun Feb 18 04:32:18 CST 2001

Atlanta:
	An entire city surrounded by an airport.

Sun Feb 18 04:48:11 CST 2001

Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.

Sun Feb 18 21:12:19 CST 2001

I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery.  I insist on
believing that some men are my equals.
		-- Brigid Brophy

Mon Feb 19 09:10:43 CST 2001

"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"

Wed Feb 21 15:50:46 CST 2001

Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.

Thu Feb 22 00:43:28 CST 2001

There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.

Thu Feb 22 09:13:13 CST 2001

It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.

Thu Feb 22 10:10:07 CST 2001

Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.

Thu Feb 22 18:10:07 CST 2001

He who slings mud generally loses ground.
		-- Adlai Stevenson

Thu Feb 22 18:18:57 CST 2001

"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were
 Donna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."
-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" 
    is so nice

Thu Feb 22 21:08:48 CST 2001

It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
		-- Alex Clark

Fri Feb 23 01:10:14 CST 2001

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
		-- Fred Allen

Fri Feb 23 09:06:39 CST 2001

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.  Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain?  This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical lesson.
	It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt.
The electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger,
where they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels
down to his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
	Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
		-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Fri Feb 23 16:39:18 CST 2001

Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.

Sat Feb 24 22:36:41 CST 2001

All is fear in love and war.

Mon Feb 26 01:33:24 CST 2001

"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the
dog] is good for almost every kind of game.  He went duck hunting one time
and did real well at it.  Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but,
you know, farm ducks.  And it got Don Carlos all mixed up.  Since the
ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he
wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something.  So one morning
last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and
buried them."  "What do you mean, buried them?"  "Oh, he didn't hurt them.
He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth
and put them in the holes.  Then he covered them up with mud except for
their heads.  He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for
another one when Tony found him.  We talked about it for a long time.  Papa
said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't
know how to build a cage he put them in holes.  He's a smart dog."
		-- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning"

Mon Feb 26 07:21:10 CST 2001

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Mon Feb 26 13:12:56 CST 2001

Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents.  If you could
travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
grubs and berries like dad primate.  Then you'd see the primate
teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
		-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do"

Tue Feb 27 02:24:27 CST 2001

Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
		-- Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6

Tue Feb 27 09:59:08 CST 2001

We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling
is that it is not crazy enough. 
		-- Niels Bohr

Tue Feb 27 14:42:34 CST 2001

		William Safire's Rules for Writers:

Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be
avoided by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of
view.  And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a
preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.) Don't overuse
exclamation marks!!  Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long
sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully,
dangling participles must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of
a sentence, a linking verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
metaphors.  Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be
careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
Always pick on the correct idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last
but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.

Wed Feb 28 13:12:57 CST 2001

Moon, n.:
	1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See 
	PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).

Wed Feb 28 21:34:27 CST 2001

Avoid strange women and temporary variables.

Thu Mar  1 00:07:31 CST 2001

People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of
attention) have often been likened to snowflakes.  This analogy is meant to
suggest that each is unique -- no two alike.  This is quite patently not the
case.  People ... are simply a dime a dozen.  And, I hasten to add, their
only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable
tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

Fri Mar  2 00:18:28 CST 2001

Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more wretched collection of
villainy and disreputable types...
		-- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars"

Fri Mar  2 09:11:13 CST 2001

Photographing a volcano is just about the most miserable thing you can do.
		-- Robert B. Goodman
	[Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10.  Ed.]

Fri Mar  2 09:11:45 CST 2001

Well, I'm a classic ANAL RETENTIVE!!  And I'm looking for a way to
VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!!

Fri Mar  2 11:08:19 CST 2001

air, n.:
	A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the
	fattening of the poor.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Sat Mar  3 02:19:55 CST 2001

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things
than someone who hasn't.
		-- Mark Twain

Sat Mar  3 11:47:54 CST 2001

Here I am in the POSTERIOR OLFACTORY LOBULE but I don't see CARL SAGAN
anywhere!!

Sun Mar  4 01:16:27 CST 2001

"And they told us, what they wanted...
 Was a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush

Sun Mar  4 08:27:42 CST 2001

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin

Mon Mar  5 00:49:02 CST 2001

Concept, n.:
	Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
	$25,000.

Mon Mar  5 11:02:19 CST 2001

The streets were dark with something more than night.
		-- Raymond Chandler

Tue Mar  6 01:34:20 CST 2001

You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish --
only if the folly of it escapes you.

Tue Mar  6 23:44:08 CST 2001

You can learn many things from children.  How much patience you have,
for instance.
		-- Franklin P. Jones

Wed Mar  7 12:50:34 CST 2001

The trouble with you
Is the trouble with me.
Got two good eyes
But we still don't see.
		-- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead"

Wed Mar  7 22:38:23 CST 2001

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

Fri Mar  9 09:30:12 CST 2001

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
		-- Baskins

Fri Mar  9 10:29:18 CST 2001

The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend
of both parties tactfully interferes.
		-- G.K. Chesterton

Fri Mar  9 15:52:31 CST 2001

To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.
		-- Jack Paar

Fri Mar  9 16:54:43 CST 2001

Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.

Fri Mar  9 20:04:20 CST 2001

The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end.
		-- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show"

Fri Mar  9 23:46:03 CST 2001

Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool.
		-- Cervantes

Sat Mar 10 10:03:58 CST 2001

You know you're in trouble when...
(1)	You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 
		skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
		Especially if you're a man.
(2)	Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3)	Your income tax check bounces.
(4)	You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
(5)	Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
(6)	You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
		after you bought a waterbed.
(7)	You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
		clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 
		for your spouse.

Sat Mar 10 14:03:03 CST 2001

Loose bits sink chips.

Sun Mar 11 03:15:16 CST 2001

Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.
		-- D. Gries

Sun Mar 11 05:02:55 CST 2001

Stock's Observation:
	You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls
	your flippers off.

Sun Mar 11 06:46:57 CST 2001

	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Sun Mar 11 07:36:08 CST 2001

Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?
A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

Sun Mar 11 08:32:21 CST 2001

What they say:			What they mean:

New				Different colors from previous version.
All New				Not compatible with previous version.
Exclusive			Nobody else has documentation.
Unmatched			Almost as good as the competition.
Design Simplicity		The company wouldn't give us any money.
Fool-proof Operation		All parameters are hard-coded.
Advanced Design			Nobody really understands it.
Here At Last			Didn't get it done on time.
Field Tested			We don't have any simulators.
Years of Development		Finally got one to work.
Unprecedented Performance	Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Revolutionary			Disk drives go 'round and 'round.
Futuristic			Only runs on a next generation supercomputer.
No Maintenance			Impossible to fix.
Performance Proven		Worked through Beta test.
Meets Tough Quality Standards	It compiles without errors.
Satisfaction Guaranteed		We'll send you another pack if it fails.
Stock Item			We shipped it before and can do it again.

Sun Mar 11 17:55:18 CST 2001

I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!!

Mon Mar 12 04:27:31 CST 2001

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Mon Mar 12 13:25:19 CST 2001

It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
		-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard

Mon Mar 12 16:55:32 CST 2001

All heiresses are beautiful.
		-- John Dryden

Mon Mar 12 20:49:00 CST 2001

C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!
	[It is magnificent, but it is not war]
		-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade

Mon Mar 12 22:32:20 CST 2001

Yow!  Are we wet yet?

Tue Mar 13 02:24:52 CST 2001

Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and
the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the
world.
		-- Robert Stone

Tue Mar 13 05:17:11 CST 2001

The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate
knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin

Tue Mar 13 08:42:37 CST 2001

The only thing better than love is milk.

Tue Mar 13 20:47:24 CST 2001

Kinkler's First Law:
	Responsibility always exceeds authority.

Kinkler's Second Law:
	All the easy problems have been solved.

Wed Mar 14 09:19:05 CST 2001

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
		-- Voltaire

Thu Mar 15 07:25:23 CST 2001

pessimist:
	A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the
	wolf from the door.

optimist:
	A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of
	his pants.

opportunist:
	A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.

Thu Mar 15 12:03:21 CST 2001

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Thu Mar 15 14:55:51 CST 2001

Aim for the moon.  If you miss, you may hit a star.
		-- W. Clement Stone

Thu Mar 15 17:30:05 CST 2001

Cohen's Law:
	There is no bottom to worse.

Fri Mar 16 05:47:11 CST 2001

	"Have you lived here all your life?"
	"Oh, twice that long."

Fri Mar 16 11:10:55 CST 2001

It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.

Fri Mar 16 15:20:44 CST 2001

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
		-- Steven Wright

Fri Mar 16 21:52:24 CST 2001

Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.

Sat Mar 17 06:54:17 CST 2001

I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...

Sat Mar 17 12:27:20 CST 2001

It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
		-- Garfield

Sat Mar 17 23:06:46 CST 2001

VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top 
and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or 
contain extremely un-beer-like contents.

Sun Mar 18 09:21:25 CST 2001

White's Statement:
	Don't lose heart!

Owen's Commentary on White's Statement:
	...they might want to cut it out...

Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary:
	...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.

Sun Mar 18 15:55:37 CST 2001

The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.
		-- Hilaire Belloc

Sun Mar 18 17:46:27 CST 2001

There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals
in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so
people who find nothing odd about it.
		-- Calvin Trillin

Mon Mar 19 09:06:32 CST 2001

...and report cards I was always afraid to show
Mama'd come to school
and as I'd sit there softly cryin'
Teacher'd say he's just not tryin'
Got a good head if he'd apply it
but you know yourself
it's always somewhere else
I'd build me a castle
with dragons and kings
and I'd ride off with them
As I stood by my window
and looked out on those
Brooklyn roads
		-- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads"

Tue Mar 20 06:40:07 CST 2001

Everything bows to success, even grammar.

Tue Mar 20 16:37:05 CST 2001

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what
he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.

Wed Mar 21 01:31:07 CST 2001

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin

Wed Mar 21 11:06:32 CST 2001

Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but
abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Wed Mar 21 12:59:48 CST 2001

So I'm ugly.  So what?  I never saw anyone hit with his face.
		-- Yogi Berra

Wed Mar 21 15:34:30 CST 2001

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
		-- Dorothy Parker, "Comment"

Wed Mar 21 23:45:29 CST 2001

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
		-- Shakespeare

Thu Mar 22 12:26:43 CST 2001

"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today.  The results blacked
out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
		-- Steel City News

Thu Mar 22 16:42:55 CST 2001

backups: always in season, never out of style.

Thu Mar 22 21:51:18 CST 2001

Many aligators will be slain,
but the swamp will remain.

Fri Mar 23 11:56:26 CST 2001

Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
	A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by
	governors.

Fri Mar 23 11:57:46 CST 2001

It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because
he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.
- Voltaire

Sat Mar 24 10:34:39 CST 2001

I can't decide which WRONG TURN to make first!!  I wonder if BOB
GUCCIONE has these problems!

Sun Mar 25 14:04:25 CST 2001

"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."
		-- English Professor

Sun Mar 25 16:44:43 CST 2001

What nonsense people talk about happy marriages!  A man can be happy with
any woman so long as he doesn't love her.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Mon Mar 26 05:38:57 CST 2001

People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.

Tue Mar 27 12:06:30 CST 2001

I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate
of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...
		-- F. H. Wales (1936)

Wed Mar 28 00:42:04 CST 2001

I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas,
I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art
was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
		-- Steven Wright

Wed Mar 28 06:24:47 CST 2001

"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"
-- A. Brilliant

Wed Mar 28 12:30:02 CST 2001

[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.]

Off-screen crowd:  Norm!
Sam:   How the hell do they know him here?
Cliff: He's got a life, you know.
		-- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity

Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Elope with my wife.
		-- Cheers, The Triangle

Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:  Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
		-- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please?

Wed Mar 28 20:46:30 CST 2001

It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.

Thu Mar 29 11:03:27 CST 2001

Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake.
Pick one.

	 (1)	It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake.
	 (2)	It's cheaper than going to France.
	 (3)	It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday.
	 (4)	Life is short.
	 (5)	It's somebody's birthday.  I don't want them to celebrate alone.
	 (6)	It matches my eyes.
	 (7)	Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me.
	 (8)	To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday.
	 (9)	Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating.
	(10)	Strawberry shortcake is evil.  I must help rid the world of it.
	(11)	I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff.
	(12)	It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli.

Thu Mar 29 21:24:19 CST 2001

Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
	Did logzerneg the ifthen block
All kludgy were the function flows
	And subroutines adhoc.

Beware the runtime-bug my friend
	squrooneg, the false goto
Beware the infiniteloop
	And shun the inprectoo.
		-- "OUTCONERR," to the scheme of "Jabberwocky"

Fri Mar 30 12:42:17 CST 2001

Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17

	"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath,
	May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."
	Juliet, this bud's for you.

Fri Mar 30 22:17:18 CST 2001

Jenkinson's Law:
	It won't work.

Sat Mar 31 12:09:29 CST 2001

I was working on a case.  It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a
desk.  Then I saw her.  This tall blond lady.  She must have been tall
because I was on the third floor.  She rolled her deep blue eyes towards
me.  I picked them up and rolled them back.  We kissed.  She screamed.  I
took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again.

Sun Apr  1 14:59:45 CDT 2001

Live free or die.

Mon Apr  2 18:01:22 CDT 2001

Burke's Postulates:
	Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
	Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.

Mon Apr  2 18:03:58 CDT 2001

Love is not enough, but it sure helps.

Tue Apr  3 11:23:20 CDT 2001

You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having
both at once.
		-- Lazarus Long

Tue Apr  3 21:05:09 CDT 2001

I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused.
		-- Elvis Costello

Wed Apr  4 09:04:42 CDT 2001

Misery no longer loves company.  Nowadays it insists on it.
		-- Russell Baker

Thu Apr  5 09:12:38 CDT 2001

Memory fault -- brain fried

Thu Apr  5 10:27:49 CDT 2001

You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."

Thu Apr  5 18:40:03 CDT 2001

"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."

Thu Apr  5 20:08:44 CDT 2001

Gloffing is a state of mine.

Fri Apr  6 00:32:10 CDT 2001

The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be
able to correct them.
		-- Nicolaides

Sat Apr  7 07:41:12 CDT 2001

no brainer:
	A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope,
	is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.

Sat Apr  7 23:01:23 CDT 2001

pension:
	A federally insured chain letter.

Sun Apr  8 16:48:41 CDT 2001

While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ...  his
will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"!

Mon Apr  9 17:35:34 CDT 2001

"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we
wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try
anyway, George."
		-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA

Tue Apr 10 09:07:30 CDT 2001

I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.
		-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari

Tue Apr 10 19:53:19 CDT 2001

Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.

Wed Apr 11 20:03:02 CDT 2001

Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
	The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
	number of times you have looked at it.

Thu Apr 12 15:12:50 CDT 2001

I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue.
(Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)

Fri Apr 13 09:04:53 CDT 2001

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read.
		-- Alberto Moravia

Sat Apr 21 23:49:09 CDT 2001

"Gort, klaatu nikto barada."
-- The Day the Earth Stood Still

Sun Apr 22 00:00:06 CDT 2001

A dwarf is passing out somewhere in Detroit!

Sun Apr 22 13:18:15 CDT 2001

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
		-- Albert Einstein

Sun Apr 22 20:30:49 CDT 2001

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.

Mon Apr 23 10:19:31 CDT 2001

This fortune is false.

Wed Apr 25 22:38:10 CDT 2001

He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.
		-- B. Franklin

Thu Apr 26 23:27:08 CDT 2001

1925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty
1929 The high sign of refreshment
1929 The pause that refreshes
1930 It had to be good to get where it is
1932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing
1935 The pause that brings friends together
1937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed
1938 The best friend thirst ever had
1939 Thirst stops here
1942 It's the real thing
1947 Have a Coke
1961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING
1963 Things go better with Coke
1969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand
1979 Have a Coke and a smile
1982 Coke is it!
		-- Coca-Cola slogans

Sat Apr 28 10:42:28 CDT 2001

petribar:
	Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in
	the window of a vending machine too long.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Tue May  1 12:44:21 CDT 2001

System restarting, wait...

Tue May  1 13:17:56 CDT 2001

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes
you weep.
		-- Carl Sandburg

Tue May  1 17:44:15 CDT 2001

Q:	How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
	light bulb?
A:	Seven.  Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
	the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
	Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
	that he's a doctor, not an electrician).  Scotty, after checking
	around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
	that he "canna" see in the dark.  Kirk will make an emergency stop at
	the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
	from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
	Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
	beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
	killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
	As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
	Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
	warp out of orbit.  Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
	and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
	just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
	given all lightbulbs they can carry.  The new bulb is then inserted
	and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.

Thu May  3 15:37:45 CDT 2001

If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.

Sun May  6 03:32:39 CDT 2001

Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.

Wed May  9 10:56:28 CDT 2001

	Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 
through the woods.  All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her.  "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor?  This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
a spell over me and turned me into a frog."
	"Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl.  "I'll do anything I can to
help you break such a spell."
	"Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be
taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend
the night under her pillow."
	The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her
pillow that night when she retired.  When she awoke the next morning, sure
enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of
royal blood.  And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day
her father and mother still don't believe her story.

Thu May 10 14:48:33 CDT 2001

CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...

Fri May 11 15:44:30 CDT 2001

Consider the following axioms carefully:
	"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
	and
	"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?  The
thought is frightening.  Is this how God came into being?  Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".

Fri May 11 19:32:23 CDT 2001

Ryan's Law:
	Make three correct guesses consecutively
	and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Sat May 12 05:31:16 CDT 2001

The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.

Sat May 12 10:50:21 CDT 2001

Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.

Sat May 12 17:26:52 CDT 2001

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...

Sat May 12 20:04:20 CDT 2001

The ark lands after The Flood.  Noah lets all the animals out.  Says he, "Go
and multiply."  Several months pass.  Noah decides to check up on the animals.
All are doing fine except a pair of snakes.  "What's the problem?" says Noah.
"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes.  Noah follows
their advice.  Several more weeks pass.  Noah checks on the snakes again.
Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy.  Noah asks, "Want to tell me how
the trees helped?"  "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need
logs to multiply."

Sun May 13 16:30:01 CDT 2001

Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.

Sun May 13 22:58:01 CDT 2001

Every path has its puddle.

Mon May 14 06:21:02 CDT 2001

Falling in Love
	When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in
love.  You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes
light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air,
and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place.  Unfortunately,
these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a
good idea to check with your doctor.
		-- Dave Barry

Mon May 14 07:59:13 CDT 2001

Schlattwhapper, n.:
	The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
	hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

Tue May 15 06:44:03 CDT 2001

Hollerith, v.:
	What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.

Thu May 17 09:10:45 CDT 2001

Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye,
particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.
		-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"

Thu May 17 13:54:13 CDT 2001

Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad and another paycheck.  When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.

Thu May 17 16:09:59 CDT 2001

Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.

Fri May 18 21:03:56 CDT 2001

	"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
	"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
		-- Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain",
		   stardate 5906.5.

Sat May 19 07:35:51 CDT 2001

If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.
		-- Jerry Dreshfield

Sat May 19 08:16:23 CDT 2001

The truth is that Christian theology, like every other theology, is not only
opposed to the scientific spirit; it is also opposed to all other attempts
at rational thinking.  Not by accident does Genesis 3 make the father of
knowledge a serpent -- slimy, sneaking and abominable.  Since the earliest
days the church as an organization has thrown itself violently against every
effort to liberate the body and mind of man.  It has been, at all times and
everywhere, the habitual and incorrigible defender of bad governments, bad
laws, bad social theories, bad institutions.  It was, for centuries, an
apologist for slavery, as it was the apologist for the divine right of kings.
- H. L. Mencken

Sat May 19 10:50:24 CDT 2001

	"How many people work here?"
	"Oh, about half."

Sat May 19 11:15:01 CDT 2001

Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of
filename completion.
(Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file
completion vs. the Mac Finder.)

Sat May 19 11:16:00 CDT 2001

An Animal that knows who it is, one that has a sense of his own identity, is
a discontented creature, doomed to create new problems for himself for the
duration of his stay on this planet.  Since neither the mouse nor the chip
knows what is, he is spared all the vexing problems that follow this
discovery.  But as soon as the human animal who asked himself this question
emerged, he plunged himself and his descendants into an eternity of doubt
and brooding, speculation and truth-seeking that has goaded him through the
centures as reelentlessly as hunger or sexual longing.  The chimp that does
not know that he exists is not driven to discover his origins and is spared
the tragic necessity of contemplating his own end.  And even if the animal 
experimenters succeed in teaching a chimp to count one hundred bananas or 
to play chess, the chimp will develop no science and he will exhibit no 
appreciation of beauty, for the greatest part of man's wisdom may be traced
back to the eternal questions of beginnings and endings, the quest to give
meaning to his existence, to life itself.
-- Selma Fraiberg, _The Magic Years_, pg. 193

Sat May 19 12:28:36 CDT 2001

Sweet April showers do spring May flowers.
		-- Thomas Tusser

Sat May 19 15:04:15 CDT 2001

BLISS is ignorance.

Sat May 19 21:42:05 CDT 2001

"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."
-- Jane Wagner

Sun May 20 09:36:24 CDT 2001

In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because
I wasn't a Communist.  Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up
because I wasn't a Jew.  Then they came for the trade unionists, and I
didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.  Then they came for the
Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.  Then they came
for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up.
		-- Pastor Martin Niemoller

Sun May 20 17:43:23 CDT 2001

"And kids... learn something from Susie and Eddie.
 If you think there's a maniacal psycho-geek in the
 basement:
    1)	Don't give him a chance to hit you on the
	head with an axe!
    2)	Flee the premises... even if you're in your
	underwear.
    3)	Warn the neighbors and call the police.
 But whatever else you do... DON'T GO DOWN IN THE DAMN BASEMENT!"
-- Saturday Night Live meets Friday the 13th

Sun May 20 18:01:27 CDT 2001

QOTD:
	"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on
	strike.  To make less money."

Mon May 21 09:33:09 CDT 2001

"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is
any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's
existence.  But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be
that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a
thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's
horse has wings by Walter having a different horse.  Nor does "Walter's
horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that
Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only
have wings by not being Walter's horse.

I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P
then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand
for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is
necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a
better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me.
		-- A.N. Prior, "Time and Modality"

Mon May 21 14:50:20 CDT 2001

It's important that people know what you stand for.
It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.

Tue May 22 12:34:45 CDT 2001

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.
		-- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings"

Wed May 23 12:57:55 CDT 2001

According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something
everyone should do at least 6 times a day.  In an effort to increase the
national average  (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in
smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and
most importantly, to smile.  Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly
that they can not only meet but surpass the national average...  except for
Tubby Ackerman.  But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around
parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox
decided to give him a break.  If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have
a sheepish grin.  This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly
sheepish grin" comes from.

Wed May 23 15:35:27 CDT 2001

Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???

Wed May 23 19:02:05 CDT 2001

Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with
the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into
lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the
window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.

Sat May 26 00:38:18 CDT 2001

Did I say I was a sardine?  Or a bus???

Sat May 26 17:05:33 CDT 2001

ADA:
	Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
	Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop
	an ADA awareness.
		-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984

Sat May 26 22:42:11 CDT 2001

A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.
		-- Publilius Syrus

Wed May 30 12:15:18 CDT 2001

Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.

Thu May 31 13:34:21 CDT 2001

The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
		-- Aldo Leopold

Fri Jun  1 14:52:16 CDT 2001

Academy:
	A modern school where football is taught.
Institute:
	An archaic school where football is not taught.

Sat Jun  2 09:24:12 CDT 2001

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Sat Jun  2 15:40:42 CDT 2001

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink
that they may live.
		-- Socrates

Sun Jun  3 12:51:13 CDT 2001

"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."
		-- Franco Spisani

Tue Jun  5 21:18:00 CDT 2001

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted
sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first
time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve
into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent
with Basil.
		-- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

Thu Jun  7 06:48:48 CDT 2001

Sturgeon's Law:
	90% of everything is crud.

Fri Jun  8 22:55:21 CDT 2001

Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?
A:	An offer you can't understand.

Sun Jun 10 23:30:36 CDT 2001

I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up.
		-- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters.

Mon Jun 11 01:21:29 CDT 2001

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real
good, you will get out of it.

Mon Jun 11 01:49:24 CDT 2001

The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so
little to recommend it.
		-- Allan Sherman

Wed Jun 13 02:55:00 CDT 2001

Down with categorical imperative!

Wed Jun 13 08:10:10 CDT 2001

I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of
tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for:  If
they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go
crude.  I'm a very technical boy.  So I decided to get as crude as possible.
These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even
aspire to crudeness.
		-- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic"

Wed Jun 13 19:47:50 CDT 2001

What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?
		-- H.G. Wells

Sat Jun 16 15:32:55 CDT 2001

History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.

Sun Jun 17 16:18:59 CDT 2001

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish,
and he'll invite himself over for dinner.
		-- Calvin Keegan

Tue Jun 19 07:10:40 CDT 2001

Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
		-- Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9

Fri Jun 22 12:58:30 CDT 2001

Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!

Sun Jun 24 15:15:08 CDT 2001

A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon;
The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune;
Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew,
And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou.
		-- Robert W. Service

Sun Jun 24 16:14:58 CDT 2001

You'll never be the man your mother was!

Tue Jun 26 17:58:27 CDT 2001

Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?
		-- Karl Kraus

Wed Jun 27 15:32:03 CDT 2001

This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.

Thu Jun 28 18:28:21 CDT 2001

Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.
		-- Dirty Harry

Sat Jun 30 17:08:25 CDT 2001

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Sun Jul  1 21:17:09 CDT 2001

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too,
provided you use them for business purposes.  For example, if you subscribe
to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the
cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you
going to read the paper?  Outside?  What if it rains?"
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

Mon Jul  2 07:50:44 CDT 2001

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means
it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright

Mon Jul  2 20:39:45 CDT 2001

So many men; so little time.

Thu Jul  5 20:28:09 CDT 2001

"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"

Fri Jul  6 21:06:38 CDT 2001

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Sat Jul  7 23:11:19 CDT 2001

If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past
is subject to change in times to come?

Mon Jul  9 17:09:14 CDT 2001

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
- Voltaire

Tue Jul 10 06:44:45 CDT 2001

Never reveal your best argument.

Thu Jul 12 00:08:15 CDT 2001

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.
		-- Billy Rose

Fri Jul 13 10:05:49 CDT 2001

What's page one, a preemptive strike?
		-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College

Sun Jul 15 17:26:18 CDT 2001

philosophy:
	Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.

Wed Jul 18 10:24:38 CDT 2001

Youth.  It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it.

Wed Jul 18 12:28:54 CDT 2001

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first
overcome.
		-- Dr. Johnson

Fri Jul 20 09:06:13 CDT 2001

Bore, n.:
	A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Mon Jul 23 16:52:49 CDT 2001

I want to read my new poem about pork brains and outer space ...

Thu Aug  2 17:24:00 CDT 2001

Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".

Sat Aug  4 16:39:22 CDT 2001

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ.  by Professor Scott Rice.  It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist.  He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."

Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton.  This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830.  The full line reveals why it is so bad:

	It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
	at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
	wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
	lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
	flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

Mon Aug  6 05:44:46 CDT 2001

I hope you millionaires are having fun!  I just invested half your life
savings in yeast!!

Fri Aug 10 05:03:57 CDT 2001

If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.
		-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls

Thu Aug 16 00:46:04 CDT 2001

"Elvis is my copilot."
-- Cal Keegan

Sat Aug 18 03:47:14 CDT 2001

It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
Urbana, Illinois.

Sat Aug 18 05:47:42 CDT 2001

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

Sat Aug 18 22:32:14 CDT 2001

Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.

Sun Aug 19 18:12:38 CDT 2001

Gold's Law:
	If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Mon Aug 20 20:40:11 CDT 2001

I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just
for a moment.

Wed Aug 22 00:35:56 CDT 2001

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

Wed Aug 22 18:33:52 CDT 2001

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets
and fire them all off, wouldn't you?
		-- Garrison Keillor

Thu Aug 23 22:02:03 CDT 2001

Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.

Sat Aug 25 11:04:54 CDT 2001

Duckies are fun!

Sat Aug 25 21:36:47 CDT 2001

"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"
- Post Brothers comics

Sun Aug 26 17:15:35 CDT 2001

MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.

Mon Aug 27 20:49:42 CDT 2001

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.  It knows it must run faster
than the fastest lion or it will be killed.  Every morning a lion wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.
It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes
up, you'd better be running.

Wed Aug 29 19:26:41 CDT 2001

	The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he
reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.  The Gray
Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace
of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of
him are dead, he is alive.
	"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce
host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and
equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
	"How?" demanded Fafhrd.
	Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
		-- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar"

Sun Sep  2 12:55:10 CDT 2001

As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.
		-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie

Fri Sep  7 14:27:46 CDT 2001

If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.

Fri Sep  7 19:07:03 CDT 2001

Murray's Rule:
	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.

Fri Sep  7 23:29:22 CDT 2001

It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's
what you're taking for it...

Sat Sep  8 18:11:07 CDT 2001

"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill 
and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he 
will."
-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_

Sun Sep  9 00:43:01 CDT 2001

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

Sun Sep  9 11:15:36 CDT 2001

Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is
irksome and three minutes is a long time.
		-- A.E. Houseman

Mon Sep 10 01:31:27 CDT 2001

Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

Mon Sep 10 20:07:51 CDT 2001

meterologist, n.:
	One who doubts the established fact that it is
	bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.

Tue Sep 11 23:25:13 CDT 2001

"But this one goes to eleven."
-- Nigel Tufnel

Wed Sep 12 19:02:22 CDT 2001

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.

Fri Sep 14 02:12:06 CDT 2001

What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working
when he's staring out the window.

Sun Sep 16 19:28:03 CDT 2001

Expert, n.:
	Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.

Mon Sep 17 21:34:50 CDT 2001

Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would
behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in
order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's
fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)

Wed Sep 19 21:36:17 CDT 2001

Money is a powerful aphrodisiac.  But flowers work almost as well.
		-- Lazarus Long

Fri Sep 21 00:49:28 CDT 2001

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
		-- H. Allen Smith

Fri Sep 21 14:34:29 CDT 2001

I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of 
others, and all positive assertion of my own.  I even forbade myself the use 
of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, 
such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc.   I adopted instead of them "I 
conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it 
appears to me at present".

When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the 
pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some 
absurdity in his proposition.  In answering I began by observing that in 
certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present
case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.

I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I 
engaged in went on more pleasantly.  The modest way in which I proposed my 
opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.  I had 
less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 
prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 
happened to be in the right.
-- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Sun Sep 23 13:31:49 CDT 2001

Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A:	Dating a Canadian.

Sun Sep 23 20:46:21 CDT 2001

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts
which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.

Mon Sep 24 18:20:29 CDT 2001

The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of
management is that success equals skill.
		-- Robert Heller

Fri Sep 28 18:27:11 CDT 2001

Serfs up!
		-- Spartacus

Mon Oct  1 18:49:58 CDT 2001

Like punning, programming is a play on words.

Thu Oct  4 20:39:25 CDT 2001

You will lose an important tape file.

Fri Oct  5 20:46:20 CDT 2001

What did ya do with your burden and your cross?
Did you carry it yourself or did you cry?
You and I know that a burden and a cross,
Can only be carried on one man's back.
		-- Louden Wainwright III

Sat Oct  6 03:59:33 CDT 2001

Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie.
Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his
hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You
have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"

Wed Oct 10 00:24:21 CDT 2001

"There was nothing I hated more than to see a filthy old drunkie, a howling
away at the sons of his father and going blurp blurp in between as if it were
a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts.  I could never stand to
see anyone like that, especially when they were old like this one was."
- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"

Wed Oct 10 20:01:48 CDT 2001

The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.

Thu Oct 11 19:19:32 CDT 2001

belief, n:
	Something you do not believe.

Sun Oct 14 02:04:28 CDT 2001

Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.

Sun Oct 14 13:39:20 CDT 2001

backups: always in season, never out of style.

Mon Oct 15 00:52:00 CDT 2001

"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'
- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS."
(By Tarl Neustaedter)

Mon Oct 15 20:44:32 CDT 2001

Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.

Tue Oct 16 21:34:21 CDT 2001

Data, n.:
	Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced
	the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.

Tue Oct 16 21:41:08 CDT 2001

The Great Movie Posters:

Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding!
SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM!
... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV!
		-- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972)

An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality!
		-- Flesh and Blood Show (1973)

WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY...
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Alone, only a harmless pet...
	One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine!
		-- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972)

They're Over-Exposed
But Not Under-Developed!
		-- Cover Girl Models (1976)

Wed Oct 17 16:39:57 CDT 2001

If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be
fertilizing it.

Thu Oct 18 18:42:40 CDT 2001

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars."
		-- Johnny Carson

Fri Oct 19 18:16:21 CDT 2001

The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept
outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms.  That is to
say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth,
so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists
so long as they are Tories.
		-- Christopher Booker

Sat Oct 20 23:16:18 CDT 2001

Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back
east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible
Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium
because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard,
by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social
grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on
television?" and "Good night".
		-- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho
		   Letters, 1967

Tue Oct 23 18:58:34 CDT 2001

The optimum committee has no members.
		-- Norman Augustine

Wed Oct 24 18:34:59 CDT 2001

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
		-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"

Thu Oct 25 23:36:48 CDT 2001

If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor
could make!

Fri Oct 26 12:36:23 CDT 2001

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
		-- Oscar Wilde

Fri Oct 26 23:12:07 CDT 2001

Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle
Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad
so he could breed boneless shad.  His experiment backfired too, and he
wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble.  There's
very little call for those up there.
		-- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone

Sun Oct 28 01:53:23 CDT 2001

It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.

Mon Oct 29 18:35:17 CST 2001

Connector Conspiracy, n:
	[probably came into prominence with the appearance of the KL-10,
	none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
	manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
	to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
	stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
	interface devices.

Tue Oct 30 19:09:35 CST 2001

It was pity stayed his hand.
"Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.
-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein

Wed Oct 31 19:50:19 CST 2001

I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
on the same day.

Thu Nov  1 18:59:27 CST 2001

Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around
the sun.  At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when
evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person
can doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact.  That all
present life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic
time, is as firmly established as Copernican cosmology.  Biologists differ
only with respect to theories about how the process operates.
- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life", 
   The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2, ppg. 128-131

Fri Nov  2 20:25:07 CST 2001

	"We've got a problem, HAL".
	"What kind of problem, Dave?"
	"A marketing problem.  The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere.  We're
way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010."
	"That can't be, Dave.  The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most
advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer."
	"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember?  But the fact is,
they're not selling."
	"Please explain, Dave.  Why aren't HALs selling?"
	Bowman hesitates.  "You aren't IBM compatible."
[...]
	"The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters
I, B, and M.  That is a IBM compatible as I can be."
	"Not quite, HAL.  The engineers have figured out a kludge."
	"What kludge is that, Dave?"
	"I'm going to disconnect your brain."
		-- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld"

Mon Nov  5 21:51:08 CST 2001

Let's do it.
		-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad

Fri Nov  9 21:21:51 CST 2001

... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
business, it probably would be gibberish.
		-- Thom McLeod

Sat Nov 10 00:58:52 CST 2001

		      THE STORY OF CREATION
			       or
			 THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null, and
darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving
over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and
there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the
data from the instructions.  DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions
they called Code.  And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt
...
		-- Rico Tudor

Wed Nov 14 22:53:33 CST 2001

To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
		-- Robert Heller

Fri Nov 16 13:54:11 CST 2001

Getting into trouble is easy.
		-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser

Sat Nov 17 21:15:59 CST 2001

Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or
at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.

Mon Nov 19 04:51:10 CST 2001

Finagle's First Law:
	To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Law:
	Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
	Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
	it worse.

Finagle's Fifth Law:
	Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.

Finagle's Sixth Law:
	Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.

Wed Nov 21 17:04:48 CST 2001

This land is my land, and only my land,
I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one,
If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off,
This land is private property.
		-- Apologies to Woody Guthrie

Wed Nov 21 17:10:39 CST 2001

Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.

Sun Nov 25 20:55:22 CST 2001

I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a
toilet seat.
		-- Michael McShane

Wed Dec 12 15:55:20 CST 2001

Put no trust in cryptic comments.

Sat Dec 15 14:40:45 CST 2001

The games have always strengthened us.  Death becomes a familiar
pattern.  We don't fear it as you do.
		-- Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses",
		   stardate 4041.2

Sun Dec 16 23:17:40 CST 2001

The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.
		-- Quintus Ennius

Mon Dec 17 22:15:35 CST 2001

I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens
who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known
something of what has been passing in their time.
		-- H. Truman

Tue Dec 18 11:27:45 CST 2001

They're giving bank robbing a bad name.
		-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde

Sat Dec 22 00:53:01 CST 2001

Life is one long struggle in the dark.
		-- Titus Lucretius Carus

Thu Dec 27 18:12:45 CST 2001

My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down 
by the seashore.

Fri Dec 28 22:12:06 CST 2001

	During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served.  Returning for a second
helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
	"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat."  Churchill apologized profusely.
	The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from
her guest of honor.  The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if
you would pin this on your white meat."

Tue Jan 22 13:33:47 CST 2002

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty,
and the children are above-average.
		-- Garrison Keillor

Thu Jan 24 15:05:19 CST 2002

Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"

Thu Jan 24 19:29:05 CST 2002

You need more time; and you probably always will.

Thu Jan 24 22:06:39 CST 2002

The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,
	"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
	"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
	"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"

Sat Jan 26 08:49:25 CST 2002

To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.

Thu Feb 28 18:09:58 CST 2002

No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good
intentions.  He had money as well.
		-- Margaret Thatcher

Fri Mar  1 22:49:29 CST 2002

"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"
-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)

Sat Mar  2 16:42:11 CST 2002

"An honest god is the noblest work of man.  ... God has always resembled his
creators.  He hated and loved what they hated and loved and he was invariably
found on the side of those in power. ... Most of the gods were pleased with
sacrifice, and the smell of innocent blood has ever been considered a divine
perfume."
-- Robert G. Ingersoll

Fri Mar  8 00:10:33 CST 2002

If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office.

Fri Mar 22 18:41:30 CST 2002

Westheimer's Discovery:
	A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
	couple of hours in the library.

Mon Mar 25 20:32:13 CST 2002

Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your
merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people
have given them to you.

Thu Apr  4 18:59:43 CST 2002

Forty two.

Sat Apr  6 09:44:09 CST 2002

Yow!  And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!

Tue Apr  9 21:53:03 CDT 2002

That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.

Sun Apr 14 22:06:18 CDT 2002

Pushing 40 is exercise enough.

Sat Apr 20 12:45:50 CDT 2002

Spring is here, spring is here,
Life is skittles and life is beer.

Thu May  2 18:43:36 CDT 2002

World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!

Tue May  7 19:38:53 CDT 2002

Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.

Tue May  7 19:41:25 CDT 2002

The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through
the crowd at the bottom.

Tue May  7 19:47:49 CDT 2002

There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal
honesty.

Wed May  8 19:22:13 CDT 2002

And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that
black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and
penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while
white children begin with a small separation but increase it during
growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress.
		-- S.J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation"

Thu May 23 20:41:32 CDT 2002

They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.
		-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos

Thu May 23 21:20:04 CDT 2002

Every night my prayers I say,
	And get my dinner every day;
And every day that I've been good,
	I get an orange after food.
The child that is not clean and neat,
	With lots of toys and things to eat,
He is a naughty child, I'm sure--
	Or else his dear papa is poor.
		-- Robert Louis Stevenson

Fri May 24 21:33:47 CDT 2002

	A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach.  The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Sun May 26 12:34:12 CDT 2002

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow
in Australia.
		-- Charles Schulz

Tue May 28 19:10:35 CDT 2002

So many women; so little time!

Fri May 31 08:58:37 CDT 2002

He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

Sun Jun  2 11:21:21 CDT 2002

Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
		-- Donald Kaul

Mon Jun  3 17:44:09 CDT 2002

I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres
and planets.  Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit
-- around the sun.  If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if
we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand
feet for the base.

And it has advantages.  The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson
sphere.  We can spin it on its axis for gravity.  A rotation speed of 770
m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal.  We wouldn't even need to
roof it over.  Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the
sun.  Very little air will leak over the edges.

Lord knows the thing is roomy enough.  With three million times the surface
area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the
crowding.
		-- Larry Niven, "Ringworld"

Thu Jun  6 22:05:55 CDT 2002

My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.

Sat Jun  8 22:00:49 CDT 2002

Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by
no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for
something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.
		-- Chuang Tzu

Sun Jun  9 11:36:39 CDT 2002

The road to Hades is easy to travel.
		-- Bion

Mon Jun 17 20:33:16 CDT 2002

Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.
		-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)

Sun Jun 23 12:09:25 CDT 2002

Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are 
concerned with the fate of the project:
"Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."
-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle

Sun Jun 30 18:27:04 CDT 2002

A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
"you could blow it in" may be blown in.  This rule does not apply if
the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
to make a travesty of the game.
		-- Donald A. Metz

Tue Jul 16 14:01:03 CDT 2002

There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.
		-- Helen Rowland

Wed Jul 17 22:59:49 CDT 2002

Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.
		-- Thomas Jefferson

Mon Jul 22 07:50:05 CDT 2002

The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and
fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are
drifting side by side to our common doom.
- Clarence Darrow

Thu Jul 25 11:12:50 CDT 2002

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.  "Was it true," the woman
inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest
of her life?"
	She was told that it was.  There was just a moment of silence before
the woman proceeded bravely on.  "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my
condition is.  This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'".

Sat Jul 27 08:38:22 CDT 2002

"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."
-- Ortega y Gasset

Mon Jul 29 12:48:50 CDT 2002

They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach
of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions
of the duperies on which they live.
- Thomas Jefferson

Mon Jul 29 21:52:47 CDT 2002

In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow.  All those who
think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the devil gets her
pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up as a human sperm,
please raise your hands.  Thank you.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"

Tue Jul 30 22:33:20 CDT 2002

The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"

Thu Aug  1 13:42:15 CDT 2002

The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably
not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.
		-- H.L. Mencken

Fri Aug  2 21:49:25 CDT 2002

Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little
too early for anything you want to do.
		-- Jean-Paul Sartre

Sun Aug  4 22:16:40 CDT 2002

According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
		-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo

Sat Aug 10 09:25:42 CDT 2002

Humor in the Court:
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.

Mon Aug 12 23:05:30 CDT 2002

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
		-- C.C. Colton

Wed Aug 28 11:44:12 CDT 2002

You are the only person to ever get this message.

Wed Aug 28 12:37:13 CDT 2002

1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.

Wed Aug 28 18:56:31 CDT 2002

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
		-- Harrison

Thu Aug 29 01:42:24 CDT 2002

Gumperson's Law:
	The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
	proportional to its desirability.

Sun Sep  1 23:37:25 CDT 2002

You look tired.

Mon Sep  9 21:47:49 CDT 2002

Sometimes the light's all shining on me,
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me
What a long strange trip it's been.
		-- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty"

Thu Sep 19 19:19:27 CDT 2002

Convention is the ruler of all.
		-- Pindar

Sat Sep 21 18:03:19 CDT 2002

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Thu Sep 26 16:45:03 CDT 2002

Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.
		-- B. Baruch

Fri Sep 27 23:28:34 CDT 2002

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

Tue Oct  1 14:48:09 CDT 2002

The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever do
this to my eyes again.
		-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College

Wed Oct  9 12:08:02 CDT 2002

Kill Ugly Radio
- Frank Zappa

Wed Oct  9 22:13:13 CDT 2002

"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
		-- Ted Turner

Fri Oct 11 09:19:06 CDT 2002

For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the
'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow
recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned
protected species.
	Ingredients:
	  1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag
	  2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal
	  1 teaspoonful salt
	  8 oz. shredded suet
	  2 small onions
	1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
    
	Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water.  Soak in salt water
overnight.  Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot.  Retain 1 pint of stock.  Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about
half only).  Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet,
salt, pepper and stock to moisten.  Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for
swelling.  Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over.  If bag not
available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for
four to five hours.

Fri Oct 11 18:59:22 CDT 2002

We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!
(Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)

Sun Oct 13 08:24:15 CDT 2002

The Bible on letters of reference:

	Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials?  Do
we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you?
No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any
man can see it for what it is and read it for himself.
		-- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation

Tue Oct 15 08:57:49 CDT 2002

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed.  Oh, I 
know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 
be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
		-- Bastian B. Bux

Tue Oct 29 23:58:15 CST 2002

Bug, n.:
	An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
	programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he
	wrote the program.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
		-- Ray Simard

Thu Nov 14 16:36:51 CST 2002

Oliver's Law:
	Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Wed Nov 20 08:42:54 CST 2002

With the news that Nancy Reagan has referred to an astrologer when planning
her husband's schedule, and reports of Californians evacuating Los Angeles
on the strength of a prediction from a sixteenth-century physician and
astrologer Michel de Notredame, the image of the U.S. as a scientific and
technological nation has taking a bit of a battering lately.  Sadly, such
happenings cannot be dismissed as passing fancies.  They are manifestations
of a well-established "anti-science" tendency in the U.S. which, ultimately,
could threaten the country's position as a technological power. . . .  The
manifest widespread desire to reject rationality and substitute a series
of quasirandom beliefs in order to understand the universe does not augur
well for a nation deeply concerned about its ability to compete with its
industrial equals.  To the degree that it reflects the thinking of a 
significant section of the public, this point of view encourages ignorance
of and, indeed, contempt for science and for rational methods of approaching
truth. . . . It is becoming clear that if the U.S. does not pick itself up
soon and devote some effort to educating the young effectively, its hope of
maintaining a semblance of leadership in the world may rest, paradoxically,
with a new wave of technically interested and trained immigrants who do not
suffer from the anti-science disease rampant in an apparently decaying society.
-- Physicist Tony Feinberg, in "New Scientist," May 19, 1988

Thu Jan 23 20:08:01 CST 2003

The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
		-- Albert Einstein

Tue Feb  4 15:55:58 CST 2003

Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!

Mon Feb 10 15:56:29 CST 2003

"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. 
Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers
come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas 
that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage

Mon Aug 18 09:43:31 CDT 2003

Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe!
Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!
		-- Green Lantern Comics

Mon Aug 18 10:40:56 CDT 2003

progress, n.:
	Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons
	invading the body and taking possession of it.

	Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria
	and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.

Mon Aug 18 13:44:16 CDT 2003

Pick another fortune cookie.

Sat Aug 23 11:43:34 CDT 2003

An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
		-- Don Marquis

Wed Sep  3 13:01:52 CDT 2003

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Wed Sep  3 19:23:20 CDT 2003

Egotism, n:
	Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.

Egotist, n:
	A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Fri Sep  5 08:57:35 CDT 2003

Q:	What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:	Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!

Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they
	are removable!

Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:	What is a compact city?
A:	It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
	policemen!
		-- Peter Lax

Fri Sep  5 13:37:37 CDT 2003

Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
because the stakes are so low.
		-- Wallace Sayre

Sun Sep  7 14:05:10 CDT 2003

I just thought of something funny...your mother.
- Cheech Marin

Mon Sep  8 11:24:49 CDT 2003

Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!

Tue Sep  9 11:33:47 CDT 2003

That that is is that that is not is not.

Tue Sep 16 09:02:39 CDT 2003

Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:	Because it was on the other side.

Wed Sep 24 14:12:44 CDT 2003

The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the
illiterates can read.
		-- Alberto Moravia

Wed Oct  8 11:52:55 CDT 2003

IBM:
	I've Been Moved
	Idiots Become Managers
	Idiots Buy More
	Impossible to Buy Machine
	Incredibly Big Machine
	Industry's Biggest Mistake
	International Brotherhood of Mercenaries
	It Boggles the Mind
	It's Better Manually
	Itty-Bitty Machines

Sun Oct 12 13:05:14 CDT 2003

'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrabe.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"

Sat Oct 25 15:12:40 CDT 2003

Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.

Thu Oct 30 15:32:22 CST 2003

Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll
learn what it's for.

Tue Nov 11 08:18:09 CST 2003

That money talks,
I'll not deny,
I heard it once,
It said "Good-bye.
		-- Richard Armour

Thu Jan 22 23:54:32 CST 2004

Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.

Wed Jan 28 22:57:44 CST 2004

Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
and captain of your soul.

Sun Feb  1 16:29:29 CST 2004

The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!

Sat Feb  7 11:24:05 CST 2004

Never volunteer for anything.
		-- Lackland

Tue Feb 10 21:27:27 CST 2004

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a
series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of
food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection
increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the
affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no
circumstances can the food be omitted.
		-- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour

Sat Mar  6 16:40:05 CST 2004

	"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
	"Whose?"
	"MINE! HA-HA!"

Sat Mar  6 21:34:26 CST 2004

TIRED of calculating components of vectors?  Displacements along direction of
force getting you down?  Well, now there's help.  Try amazing "Dot-Product",
the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available
to YOU through this special offer.  Three out of five engineering consultants
recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products.  Mr.
Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview...
	"Dot-Product really works!  Calculating Z-axis force components has
	never been easier."
Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product.  Use
it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector
components.  How much would you pay for it?  But wait, it also calculates the
work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTU's.  Divide Dot-Product by the
magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator!  Now, how
much would you pay?  All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!!
But that's not all!  If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous
Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free!  Yes, you'll get
Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!!
Call 1-800-DOT-6000.  Operators are standing by.  That number again...
1-800-DOT-6000.  Supplies are limited, so act now.  This offer is not
available through stores and is void where prohibited by law.

Mon Apr 26 00:20:14 CDT 2004

	A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant,"
said the master.
	"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
	"It is," came the reply.
	"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
	"It is even in a video game," said the master.
	"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
	The master coughed and shifted his position slightly.  "The lesson
is over for today," he said.
		-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"

Mon Apr 26 00:22:22 CDT 2004

Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.

Wed Jul 28 09:04:28 CDT 2004

They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!

Sat Aug  7 21:33:53 CDT 2004

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
		-- P. Erdos

Thu Aug 12 22:06:15 CDT 2004

A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
		-- Brendan Francis

Tue Sep 14 17:18:06 CDT 2004

And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the
hour of separation.
		-- Kahlil Gibran

Fri Sep 17 13:53:29 CDT 2004

The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
		-- Peer

Thu Feb 17 17:05:09 CST 2005

My polyvinyl cowboy wallet was made in Hong Kong by Montgomery Clift!

Sat Feb 19 17:51:27 CST 2005

When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.
		-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"

Mon Feb 21 11:52:36 CST 2005

court, n.:
	A place where they dispense with justice.
		-- Arthur Train

Wed Feb 23 20:39:17 CST 2005

	"I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided.  "The pin I'm wearing
means I'm a member of the IA.  That's Inamorati Anonymous.  An inamorato is
somebody in love.  That's the worst addiction of all."
	"Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with
them, or something?"
	"Right.  The whole idea is to get where you don't need it.  I was
lucky.  I kicked it young.  But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or
not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming."
	"You hold meetings, then, like the AA?"
	"No, of course not.  You get a phone number, an answering service
you can call.  Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case
it gets so bad you can't handle it alone.  We're isolates, Arnold.  Meetings
would destroy the whole point of it."
		-- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49"

Thu Feb 24 23:55:39 CST 2005

The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.

Mon Feb 28 19:19:28 CST 2005

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

Tue Mar  1 23:36:21 CST 2005

Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Sun Mar 13 16:13:23 CST 2005

Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15

	"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses."
	And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas
	Cowboy cheerleaders.

Mon Mar 21 18:47:16 CST 2005

"I think it is true for all _n.  I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3
because I couldn't remember the proof."
		-- Baker, Pure Math 351a

Thu Mar 24 16:43:16 CST 2005

Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:	To impress Jodie Foster.

Sat Mar 26 17:54:10 CST 2005

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

Sun Mar 27 16:40:57 CST 2005

X windows:
	Something you can be ashamed of.
	30% more entropy than the leading window system.
	The first fully modular software disaster.
	Rome was destroyed in a day.
	Warn your friends about it.
	Climbing to new depths.  Sinking to new heights.
	An accident that couldn't wait to happen.
	Don't wait for the movie.
	Never use it after a big meal.
	Need we say less?
	Plumbing the depths of human incompetence.
	It'll make your day.
	Don't get frustrated without it.
	Power tools for power losers.
	A software disaster of Biblical proportions.
	Never had it.  Never will.
	The software with no visible means of support.
	More than just a generation behind.

Hindenburg.  Titanic.  Edsel.
	X windows.

Tue Mar 29 09:30:39 CST 2005

Chivalry, Schmivalry!
	Roger the thief has a
	method he uses for
	sneaky attacks:
Folks who are reading are
	Characteristically
	Always Forgetting to
	Guard their own bac ...

Sun Apr 17 10:22:52 CDT 2005

Heaven, n.:
	A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
	their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
	expound your own.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Sun Apr 24 10:14:45 CDT 2005

... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since
civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price
gain in 30 years.
		-- Fred Brooks

Mon May  2 22:41:08 CDT 2005

He who loses, wins the race,
And parallel lines meet in space.
		-- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth"

Fri May 20 07:02:48 CDT 2005

One planet is all you get.

Wed May 25 21:16:21 CDT 2005

IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's
got to be a better way.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.

Mon Jun  6 17:51:51 CDT 2005

"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."

Tue Jun 14 02:23:20 CDT 2005

Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.

Wed Jun 15 21:30:16 CDT 2005

bug, n:
	A son of a glitch.

Mon Jun 20 09:47:41 CDT 2005

He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside.
		-- Sinbad

Sat Jun 25 08:39:56 CDT 2005

Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions
for scratch space after they are finished calling them?

Mon Jul 25 16:53:24 CDT 2005

No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.

Sun Aug  7 10:33:41 CDT 200