---------- They also serve who only stand and wait. -- John Milton ---------- Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? ---------- Oh, wow! Look at the moon! Fri Aug 15 09:53:13 CDT 1997 ---------- Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" Fri Aug 15 09:53:48 CDT 1997 ---------- "If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 Fri Aug 15 10:41:28 CDT 1997 ---------- Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. -- P.J. Denning Fri Aug 15 11:06:19 CDT 1997 ---------- It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. Fri Aug 15 11:21:40 CDT 1997 ---------- Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. Fri Aug 15 12:00:28 CDT 1997 ---------- What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. Fri Aug 15 12:15:41 CDT 1997 ---------- Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness to make it when necessary. -- Frederick Dunn Fri Aug 15 12:22:17 CDT 1997 ---------- "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes, I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 Fri Aug 15 15:41:32 CDT 1997 ---------- Inside, I'm already SOBBING! Fri Aug 15 17:14:52 CDT 1997 ---------- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana Fri Aug 15 20:14:50 CDT 1997 ---------- Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn Fri Aug 15 20:21:29 CDT 1997 ---------- Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth "One, two, five." -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail Fri Aug 15 20:32:20 CDT 1997 ---------- We gotta get out of this place, If it's the last thing we ever do. -- The Animals Fri Aug 15 23:42:30 CDT 1997 ---------- I'm GLAD I remembered to XEROX all my UNDERSHIRTS!! Sat Aug 16 14:01:35 CDT 1997 ---------- Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. Just different ways to kill the pain the same. But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) Sat Aug 16 14:48:05 CDT 1997 ---------- If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. -- Doug Larson Sat Aug 16 14:54:16 CDT 1997 ---------- Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. Sat Aug 16 15:51:38 CDT 1997 ---------- We just joined the civil hair patrol! Sat Aug 16 23:18:12 CDT 1997 ---------- I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft -- Song title by Jerry Reed. When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling -- Unattributed song title. Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life -- Unattributed song title. Sun Aug 17 14:40:52 CDT 1997 ---------- Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas Sun Aug 17 18:47:49 CDT 1997 ---------- An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 Sun Aug 17 19:17:33 CDT 1997 ---------- We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. Sun Aug 17 19:20:44 CDT 1997 ---------- Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. Sun Aug 17 19:33:30 CDT 1997 ---------- "Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." Sun Aug 17 20:30:29 CDT 1997 ---------- The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein Mon Aug 18 00:06:01 CDT 1997 ---------- "We'll look into it": By the time the wheels make a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it, too. Mon Aug 18 01:15:54 CDT 1997 ---------- Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair -- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to dust. Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite for what next, and the joy and the game of life. You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your despair. So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long you are young. -- Samuel Ullman Mon Aug 18 17:07:24 CDT 1997 ---------- It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want to die. Mon Aug 18 17:42:02 CDT 1997 ---------- Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Mon Aug 18 19:02:35 CDT 1997 ---------- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Mon Aug 18 19:04:31 CDT 1997 ---------- Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. -- Buckaroo Bonzai Mon Aug 18 20:56:58 CDT 1997 ---------- Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, And we're loved everywhere we go. We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, At ten thousand dollars a show. We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, But the thrill we've never known, Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, On the cover of the Rolling Stone. I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, Who embroiders on my jeans. I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, Drivin' my limousine. Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, But our minds won't be really be blown; Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, On the cover of the Rolling Stone. We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, Who'll do anything we say. We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. We got all the friends that money can buy, So we never have to be alone. And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, On the cover of the Rolling Stone. -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] Mon Aug 18 20:58:54 CDT 1997 ---------- "Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception." -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 Tue Aug 19 01:05:33 CDT 1997 ---------- /* Halley */ (Halley's comment.) Tue Aug 19 18:48:40 CDT 1997 ---------- marriage, n.: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love. In short, committment to an institution. Tue Aug 19 20:10:02 CDT 1997 ---------- A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. Tue Aug 19 23:37:25 CDT 1997 ---------- Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- Aesop Wed Aug 20 21:16:31 CDT 1997 ---------- You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones. -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet" Wed Aug 20 21:29:24 CDT 1997 ---------- Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. Wed Aug 20 22:02:22 CDT 1997 ---------- Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Saint Exupery Thu Aug 21 00:08:29 CDT 1997 ---------- What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. Thu Aug 21 00:26:19 CDT 1997 ---------- Xerox does it again and again and again and ... Thu Aug 21 08:58:48 CDT 1997 ---------- I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady. -- Lenny Bruce Thu Aug 21 10:32:56 CDT 1997 ---------- QOTD: "Our parents were never our age." Thu Aug 21 15:11:43 CDT 1997 ---------- For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned. Thu Aug 21 15:14:53 CDT 1997 ---------- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. -- Steven Wright Thu Aug 21 16:21:46 CDT 1997 ---------- "Life is too important to take seriously." -- Corky Siegel Thu Aug 21 19:30:37 CDT 1997 ---------- When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. -- Rodney Dangerfield Fri Aug 22 00:35:29 CDT 1997 ---------- Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? Fri Aug 22 08:20:37 CDT 1997 ---------- Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! Fri Aug 22 10:01:26 CDT 1997 ---------- "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick Fri Aug 22 11:02:29 CDT 1997 ---------- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a lift home from the office. Fri Aug 22 15:18:11 CDT 1997 ---------- It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen Fri Aug 22 19:12:57 CDT 1997 ---------- Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. Fri Aug 22 23:49:03 CDT 1997 ---------- If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. -- Anton Chekhov Fri Aug 22 23:58:52 CDT 1997 ---------- I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ... Sat Aug 23 10:54:39 CDT 1997 ---------- It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable man a lifetime. -- Thomas Aldrich Sat Aug 23 11:22:51 CDT 1997 ---------- Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.] -- Gauss Sat Aug 23 21:20:23 CDT 1997 ---------- This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd. Sat Aug 23 21:22:20 CDT 1997 ---------- "I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of the idea of a doomsday machine. "I'm a doctor, not an escalator." -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant Ellen up a steep incline. "I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." -- Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. "I'm a doctor, not an engineer." -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise. "I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. "I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark that Kirk talked strangely. "I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. "What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a physical exam to answer the alert. Sat Aug 23 23:09:00 CDT 1997 ---------- Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Sun Aug 24 00:54:03 CDT 1997 ---------- It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like. -- Jackie Mason Sun Aug 24 01:33:09 CDT 1997 ---------- After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverb Mon Aug 25 09:18:13 CDT 1997 ---------- Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Mon Aug 25 20:14:13 CDT 1997 ---------- Fast, cheap, good: pick two. Tue Aug 26 00:01:53 CDT 1997 ---------- Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs. Tue Aug 26 13:20:19 CDT 1997 ---------- And that's the way it is... -- Walter Cronkite Wed Aug 27 19:49:36 CDT 1997 ---------- I invented skydiving in 1989! Thu Aug 28 07:13:36 CDT 1997 ---------- If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? -- Gloria Steinham Thu Aug 28 13:23:27 CDT 1997 ---------- for ARTIFICIAL FLAVORING!! Thu Aug 28 20:04:15 CDT 1997 ---------- If all be true that I do think, There be five reasons why one should drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why. Thu Aug 28 22:52:42 CDT 1997 ---------- modem, adj.: Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!] Fri Aug 29 00:47:41 CDT 1997 ---------- They went rushing down that freeway, Messed around and got lost. They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, And it was life in the fast lane. -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" Fri Aug 29 13:26:19 CDT 1997 ---------- To communicate is the beginning of understanding. -- AT&T Sat Aug 30 01:36:55 CDT 1997 ---------- A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. Sat Aug 30 21:53:46 CDT 1997 ---------- The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H.D. Thoreau Sat Aug 30 22:31:57 CDT 1997 ---------- The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there would be no Tao. The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program still has bugs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Sat Aug 30 22:50:05 CDT 1997 ---------- You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. -- Peter Frampton Sat Aug 30 22:55:48 CDT 1997 ---------- Mother is the invention of necessity. Sun Aug 31 01:21:17 CDT 1997 ---------- Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. -- G.B. Shaw Sun Aug 31 02:03:57 CDT 1997 ---------- Symptom: Floor swaying. Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. Fault: You have fallen forward. Action Required: See above. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several flourescent light strips. Fault: You have fallen over backward. Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar. -- Bar Troubleshooting Sun Aug 31 18:09:34 CDT 1997 ---------- A snake lurks in the grass. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) Sun Aug 31 21:52:33 CDT 1997 ---------- A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. -- Prof. Steiner Mon Sep 1 01:18:32 CDT 1997 ---------- [Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] Off-screen crowd: Norm! Sam: How the hell do they know him here? Cliff: He's got a life, you know. -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Elope with my wife. -- Cheers, The Triangle Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? Mon Sep 1 22:12:30 CDT 1997 ---------- The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" Tue Sep 2 00:09:25 CDT 1997 ---------- "Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred." -- The Mahabharata. Tue Sep 2 18:33:28 CDT 1997 ---------- One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model. Tue Sep 2 21:10:31 CDT 1997 ---------- An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. Wed Sep 3 14:34:11 CDT 1997 ---------- Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are (a) irrelevant. (b) communists. (c) a nuisance. (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. Wed Sep 3 15:26:49 CDT 1997 ---------- Do unto others before they undo you. Wed Sep 3 17:25:52 CDT 1997 ---------- Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Thu Sep 4 14:11:41 CDT 1997 ---------- Everyone is entitled to my opinion. Thu Sep 4 19:05:07 CDT 1997 ---------- He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. Thu Sep 4 19:05:52 CDT 1997 ---------- You will outgrow your usefulness. Thu Sep 4 20:01:18 CDT 1997 ---------- You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. Thu Sep 4 22:02:36 CDT 1997 ---------- Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built. -- Hubert Allen Fri Sep 5 10:29:40 CDT 1997 ---------- God created woman. And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- but many other things ceased as well. Woman was God's second mistake. -- Nietzsche Fri Sep 5 19:17:32 CDT 1997 ---------- There is no royal road to geometry. -- Euclid Fri Sep 5 19:27:32 CDT 1997 ---------- Modesty: The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. -- Oliver Herford Fri Sep 5 19:29:11 CDT 1997 ---------- Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. Fri Sep 5 20:45:14 CDT 1997 ---------- I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. -- Elvis Costello Fri Sep 5 22:58:06 CDT 1997 ---------- Against Idleness and Mischief How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. -- Isaac Watts, 1674-1748 Sat Sep 6 00:57:11 CDT 1997 ---------- To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. -- Golda Meir Sat Sep 6 01:03:18 CDT 1997 ---------- The Great Movie Posters: Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! ... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! Alone, only a harmless pet... One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) They're Over-Exposed But Not Under-Developed! -- Cover Girl Models (1976) Sat Sep 6 09:44:52 CDT 1997 ---------- A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood waiting for a taxi. "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." Sat Sep 6 12:49:19 CDT 1997 ---------- Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. Sat Sep 6 12:51:05 CDT 1997 ---------- Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- Abraham Lincoln Sat Sep 6 23:29:38 CDT 1997 ---------- Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. -- Arthur C. Clarke Sun Sep 7 13:16:22 CDT 1997 ---------- Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb Sun Sep 7 13:22:31 CDT 1997 ---------- "I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war and death --" "And make them spend it on life." -- Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown. Sun Sep 7 13:27:21 CDT 1997 ---------- Somewhere in suburban Honolulu, an unemployed bellhop is whipping up a batch of illegal psilocybin chop suey!! Sun Sep 7 14:06:58 CDT 1997 ---------- The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. -- Nietzsche Sun Sep 7 14:54:48 CDT 1997 ---------- Don't SANFORIZE me!! Sun Sep 7 21:24:40 CDT 1997 ---------- I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. Sun Sep 7 22:11:27 CDT 1997 ---------- I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Sun Sep 7 22:34:04 CDT 1997 ---------- One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) Sun Sep 7 23:02:51 CDT 1997 ---------- A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot the horse, but it don't fix the leg. Sun Sep 7 23:04:12 CDT 1997 ---------- The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them. -- Nicolaides Sun Sep 7 23:28:57 CDT 1997 ---------- He who slings mud generally loses ground. -- Adlai Stevenson Sun Sep 7 23:32:29 CDT 1997 ---------- narcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends Sun Sep 7 23:41:12 CDT 1997 ---------- If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker. Sun Sep 7 23:50:26 CDT 1997 ---------- Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. -- Indiana University football cheer Mon Sep 8 00:04:46 CDT 1997 ---------- Use an accordion. Go to jail. -- KFOG, San Francisco Mon Sep 8 11:29:39 CDT 1997 ---------- Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? WE CAN HELP! Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. Mon Sep 8 13:40:22 CDT 1997 ---------- Maier's Law: If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. -- N.R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 Corollaries: (1) The bigger the theory, the better. (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with the theory. Mon Sep 8 15:24:46 CDT 1997 ---------- I lay my head on the railroad tracks, Waitin' for the double E. The railroad don't run no more. Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. These young girls won't let me be, Lord have mercy on me! Woe is me! Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, Well, I ain't naming names. But she really worked me over good, She was just like Jesse James. She really worked me over good, She was a credit to her gender. She put me through some changes, boy, Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, She asked me if I'd beat her. She took me back to the Hyatt House, I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" Mon Sep 8 15:28:10 CDT 1997 ---------- Love America -- or give it back. Mon Sep 8 16:34:38 CDT 1997 ---------- Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness. -- James Thurber Mon Sep 8 18:23:01 CDT 1997 ---------- NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. Tue Sep 9 01:39:28 CDT 1997 ---------- What they say: What they mean: New Different colors from previous version. All New Not compatible with previous version. Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. Field Tested We don't have any simulators. Years of Development Finally got one to work. Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. No Maintenance Impossible to fix. Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. Tue Sep 9 13:21:36 CDT 1997 ---------- Three rules for sounding like an expert: (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own. Tue Sep 9 15:28:29 CDT 1997 ---------- Do you like "TENDER VITTLES"? Tue Sep 9 15:33:50 CDT 1997 ---------- It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Tue Sep 9 16:33:19 CDT 1997 ---------- Mum's the word. -- Miguel de Cervantes Wed Sep 10 11:26:43 CDT 1997 ---------- panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) Wed Sep 10 13:50:56 CDT 1997 ---------- Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! -- The Smothers Brothers Wed Sep 10 15:47:55 CDT 1997 ---------- A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt Wed Sep 10 16:11:59 CDT 1997 ---------- A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. -- Parkinson Wed Sep 10 19:33:52 CDT 1997 ---------- Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. Thu Sep 11 00:42:13 CDT 1997 ---------- QOTD: "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." Thu Sep 11 13:18:42 CDT 1997 ---------- The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. Thu Sep 11 17:51:07 CDT 1997 ---------- "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." -- Winston Churchill Fri Sep 12 13:35:05 CDT 1997 ---------- There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" Fri Sep 12 15:08:13 CDT 1997 ---------- Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. Fri Sep 12 15:39:23 CDT 1997 ---------- Th' MIND is the Pizza Palace of th' SOUL Sat Sep 13 00:40:29 CDT 1997 ---------- And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. Sat Sep 13 11:08:07 CDT 1997 ---------- Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? Sat Sep 13 11:10:45 CDT 1997 ---------- Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Sat Sep 13 15:11:36 CDT 1997 ---------- "We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." -- Don Juan Sat Sep 13 16:23:23 CDT 1997 ---------- Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. Sat Sep 13 21:08:06 CDT 1997 ---------- Sin boldly. -- Martin Luther Sun Sep 14 00:45:50 CDT 1997 ---------- The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. Sun Sep 14 00:52:16 CDT 1997 ---------- If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. -- James Dickey Sun Sep 14 09:37:12 CDT 1997 ---------- For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like. Sun Sep 14 21:18:48 CDT 1997 ---------- Satire is tragedy plus time. -- Lenny Bruce Mon Sep 15 13:05:18 CDT 1997 ---------- Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. And we always, always eat our vegetables. This is the Minneapple. Mon Sep 15 15:54:20 CDT 1997 ---------- You will have many recoverable tape errors. Mon Sep 15 16:17:18 CDT 1997 ---------- Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate." -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" Mon Sep 15 17:26:26 CDT 1997 ---------- "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) Mon Sep 15 18:41:08 CDT 1997 ---------- He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. -- Lao Tsu Mon Sep 15 19:24:34 CDT 1997 ---------- Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Mon Sep 15 19:29:19 CDT 1997 ---------- Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. -- Casablanca Mon Sep 15 19:38:20 CDT 1997 ---------- New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. Mon Sep 15 20:02:21 CDT 1997 ---------- The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, starts a long, long time before the event. -- W.B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", from "Congress Eate It Up" Tue Sep 16 14:19:13 CDT 1997 ---------- He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise. Tue Sep 16 15:33:46 CDT 1997 ---------- Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy Mengot Tue Sep 16 18:34:43 CDT 1997 ---------- Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have. -- The Best of Will Rogers Wed Sep 17 13:09:11 CDT 1997 ---------- Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" Wed Sep 17 13:15:55 CDT 1997 ---------- The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. -- John Barrymore Wed Sep 17 20:53:28 CDT 1997 ---------- Consider the following axioms carefully: "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." and "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". Thu Sep 18 10:07:51 CDT 1997 ---------- Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. -- H.L. Mencken Thu Sep 18 17:28:06 CDT 1997 ---------- Canonical, adj.: The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" Stallman: "What did he say?" Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." Thu Sep 18 19:22:10 CDT 1997 ---------- You'll never be the man your mother was! Thu Sep 18 20:33:18 CDT 1997 ---------- Technicality, n.: In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, that being only an inference. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Thu Sep 18 22:21:09 CDT 1997 ---------- All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... Thu Sep 18 22:23:00 CDT 1997 ---------- Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first choice. Thu Sep 18 22:59:35 CDT 1997 ---------- Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Fri Sep 19 15:40:43 CDT 1997 ---------- When you find yourself in danger, When you're threatened by a stranger, When it looks like you will take a lickin'... There is one thing you should learn, When there is no one else to turn to, Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) Caaaall for Super Chicken!! Fri Sep 19 19:44:29 CDT 1997 ---------- The ultimate game show will be the one where somebody gets killed at the end. -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" Sat Sep 20 11:28:51 CDT 1997 ---------- Up against the net, redneck mother, Mother who has raised your son so well; He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... Sun Sep 21 01:05:25 CDT 1997 ---------- He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. -- Dr. Johnson Sun Sep 21 09:30:49 CDT 1997 ---------- Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev Sun Sep 21 22:50:37 CDT 1997 ---------- Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. Mon Sep 22 20:07:14 CDT 1997 ---------- Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. -- Snoopy Mon Sep 22 20:16:07 CDT 1997 ---------- Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail" Tue Sep 23 00:22:03 CDT 1997 ---------- Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear. Tue Sep 23 00:22:23 CDT 1997 ---------- === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) (PROG (V P LP) (SETQ P (LOCF V)) L (SETQ LP LISTS) (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) (GO L1) L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) (SETQ LP (%POP)) (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) (GO L))) We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. Tue Sep 23 00:40:49 CDT 1997 ---------- Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. Tue Sep 23 07:05:30 CDT 1997 ---------- Life is like a tin of sardines. We're, all of us, looking for the key. -- Beyond the Fringe Tue Sep 23 13:22:16 CDT 1997 ---------- You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity. Tue Sep 23 15:10:35 CDT 1997 ---------- A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" Tue Sep 23 15:24:33 CDT 1997 ---------- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. Weiler Tue Sep 23 16:47:37 CDT 1997 ---------- blithwapping: Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends Tue Sep 23 17:07:13 CDT 1997 ---------- Academy: A modern school where football is taught. Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught. Tue Sep 23 17:13:49 CDT 1997 ---------- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". Wed Sep 24 16:06:01 CDT 1997 ---------- Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris Thu Sep 25 11:35:52 CDT 1997 ---------- Azh nazg durbatal^uk, azh nazg gimbatul, Azh nazg thrakatal^uk agh burzum ishi krimpatul! -- J. R. R. Tolkien Thu Sep 25 16:08:18 CDT 1997 ---------- I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan. Thu Sep 25 17:57:38 CDT 1997 ---------- Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed Fri Sep 26 13:32:53 CDT 1997 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. Sat Sep 27 02:12:38 CDT 1997 ---------- I know how to do SPECIAL EFFECTS!! Sat Sep 27 10:46:40 CDT 1997 ---------- Jesuit priests are DATING CAREER DIPLOMATS!! Sat Sep 27 11:00:20 CDT 1997 ---------- The meek don't want it. Sat Sep 27 11:10:35 CDT 1997 ---------- One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" Sat Sep 27 12:52:00 CDT 1997 ---------- Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. -- Lazarus Long Sat Sep 27 13:56:41 CDT 1997 ---------- Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" Sat Sep 27 17:23:24 CDT 1997 ---------- Slow day. Practice crawling. Mon Sep 29 09:49:44 CDT 1997 ---------- Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. Mon Sep 29 10:10:41 CDT 1997 ---------- La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. Mon Sep 29 10:11:47 CDT 1997 ---------- Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. [D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. [P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. "Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. -- Not Chaucer, for certain Mon Sep 29 13:22:33 CDT 1997 ---------- A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" Mon Sep 29 17:14:26 CDT 1997 ---------- In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel. Mon Sep 29 21:03:16 CDT 1997 ---------- Dealing with failure is easy: Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. Tue Sep 30 13:04:20 CDT 1997 ---------- There is no proverb that is not true. -- Cervantes Tue Sep 30 13:58:17 CDT 1997 ---------- The Killer Ducks are coming!!! Tue Sep 30 16:01:01 CDT 1997 ---------- I am changing my name to Chrysler I am going down to Washington, D.C. I will tell some power broker What they did for Iacocca Will be perfectly acceptable to me! I am changing my name to Chrysler, I am heading for that great receiving line. When they hand a million grand out, I'll be standing with my hand out, Yessir, I'll get mine! Tue Sep 30 19:18:51 CDT 1997 ---------- Everything should be built top-down, except this time. Wed Oct 1 14:04:48 CDT 1997 ---------- Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try. Wed Oct 1 14:13:46 CDT 1997 ---------- Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Saint Exupery Thu Oct 2 13:08:19 CDT 1997 ---------- "Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette." -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 Thu Oct 2 13:19:52 CDT 1997 ---------- I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! Thu Oct 2 13:37:15 CDT 1997 ---------- I had an errand there: gathering water-lilies, green leaves and lilies white to please my pretty lady, the last ere the year's end to keep them from the winter, to flower by her pretty feet till the snows are melted. Each year at summer's end I go to find them for her, in a wide pool, deep and clear, far down Withywindle; there they open first in spring and there they linger latest. By that pool long ago I found the River-daughter, fair young Goldberry sitting in the rushes. Sweet was her singing then, and her heart was beating! And that proved well for you--for now I shall no longer go down deep again along the forest-water, no while the year is old. Nor shall I be passing Old Man Willow's house this side of spring-time, not till the merry spring, when the River-daughter dances down the withy-path to bathe in the water. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Thu Oct 2 18:12:57 CDT 1997 ---------- In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel. -- Mark Twain Fri Oct 3 16:18:31 CDT 1997 ---------- When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! For might makes right, Members of the corps And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by peaceful means. All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! We only want the world to know That we support the status quo; They love us everywhere we go, So when in doubt, send the Marines! -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" Sat Oct 4 10:56:25 CDT 1997 ---------- If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer Sat Oct 4 15:43:31 CDT 1997 ---------- The truth you speak has no past and no future. It is, and that's all it needs to be. Sat Oct 4 15:44:15 CDT 1997 ---------- There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things. -- McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8 Sat Oct 4 15:58:25 CDT 1997 ---------- It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Sat Oct 4 16:45:44 CDT 1997 ---------- ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth Sat Oct 4 19:58:29 CDT 1997 ---------- Silence is the only virtue you have left. Sun Oct 5 18:31:33 CDT 1997 ---------- Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same. Sun Oct 5 22:44:52 CDT 1997 ---------- "How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for. I only coded it." (Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting) Mon Oct 6 15:18:50 CDT 1997 ---------- There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger Mon Oct 6 20:18:30 CDT 1997 ---------- Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. Tue Oct 7 00:42:22 CDT 1997 ---------- A Hen Brooding Kittens A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 Tue Oct 7 00:51:02 CDT 1997 ---------- A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries Tue Oct 7 08:16:27 CDT 1997 ---------- IBM: [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. Tue Oct 7 13:17:17 CDT 1997 ---------- Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. Please... CONSERVE GRAVITY Follow these simple suggestions: (1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. (2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. (3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling. (4) Avoid showers .. take baths instead. (5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big pile. (6) Stop flipping pancakes Tue Oct 7 14:27:25 CDT 1997 ---------- What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. Tue Oct 7 17:12:06 CDT 1997 ---------- transparent, adj.: Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. virtual, adj.: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. "I can see it, but it's not there." -- Lady Macbeth. Tue Oct 7 21:22:49 CDT 1997 ---------- Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, Though we really did try to make it, Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... It used to be so easy living here with you, You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. There'll be good times again for me and you, But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... But it's too late baby... It's too late, now darling, it's too late... -- Carol King, "Tapestry" Tue Oct 7 23:54:10 CDT 1997 ---------- I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. Wed Oct 8 06:06:49 CDT 1997 ---------- The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants. -- Adam Walinsky Wed Oct 8 17:09:27 CDT 1997 ---------- "The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain." -- G. Fitch Wed Oct 8 18:31:00 CDT 1997 ---------- QOTD: "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." Wed Oct 8 21:24:09 CDT 1997 ---------- Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be aseptic. Thu Oct 9 13:21:50 CDT 1997 ---------- For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. Thu Oct 9 13:39:23 CDT 1997 ---------- Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. -- Publius Syrus Thu Oct 9 16:29:20 CDT 1997 ---------- I feel like I am sharing a ``CORN-DOG'' with NIKITA KHRUSCHEV ... Thu Oct 9 17:17:14 CDT 1997 ---------- Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. -- E. Post "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 Thu Oct 9 17:45:38 CDT 1997 ---------- It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. -- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal [Great minds think alike? Ed.] Thu Oct 9 17:51:32 CDT 1997 ---------- The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) Thu Oct 9 17:53:12 CDT 1997 ---------- Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. -- William Congreve Thu Oct 9 17:54:20 CDT 1997 ---------- I KAISER ROLL?! What good is a Kaiser Roll without a little COLE SLAW on the SIDE? Tue Oct 14 02:47:30 CDT 1997 ---------- ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. Tue Oct 14 13:43:59 CDT 1997 ---------- Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Wed Oct 15 03:15:37 CDT 1997 ---------- Brogan's Constant: People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus. Wed Oct 15 19:57:55 CDT 1997 ---------- Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!! Thu Oct 16 00:14:41 CDT 1997 ---------- Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? Thu Oct 16 09:10:25 CDT 1997 ---------- When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine Thu Oct 16 13:04:21 CDT 1997 ---------- Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. -- James Dean Thu Oct 16 16:16:38 CDT 1997 ---------- Every country has the government it deserves. -- Joseph De Maistre Thu Oct 16 16:17:04 CDT 1997 ---------- The longer the title, the less important the job. Thu Oct 16 17:59:00 CDT 1997 ---------- You'll always be, What you always were, Which has nothing to do with, All to do, with her. -- Company Thu Oct 16 22:03:33 CDT 1997 ---------- Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. Sat Oct 18 11:18:08 CDT 1997 ---------- The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann Sat Oct 18 16:27:11 CDT 1997 ---------- Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard Levin Sat Oct 18 23:42:09 CDT 1997 ---------- Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. Sun Oct 19 00:24:59 CDT 1997 ---------- Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed Sun Oct 19 16:10:50 CDT 1997 ---------- In like a dimwit, out like a light. -- Pogo Sun Oct 19 16:19:48 CDT 1997 ---------- Only a fool has no doubts. Sun Oct 19 18:23:01 CDT 1997 ---------- Remember to say hello to your bank teller. Sun Oct 19 23:18:21 CDT 1997 ---------- Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Mon Oct 20 15:15:26 CDT 1997 ---------- Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. Mon Oct 20 16:54:29 CDT 1997 ---------- Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable possession. And the moral of the story is: The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that hit you. Mon Oct 20 19:45:34 CDT 1997 ---------- The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it. -- James Agate, British film and drama critic Mon Oct 20 21:26:24 CDT 1997 ---------- Mix's Law: There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. Tue Oct 21 13:59:05 CDT 1997 ---------- Banectomy, n.: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Tue Oct 21 14:26:42 CDT 1997 ---------- The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson Tue Oct 21 15:35:11 CDT 1997 ---------- "At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" Tue Oct 21 18:37:53 CDT 1997 ---------- I've already told you more than I know. Wed Oct 22 16:41:34 CDT 1997 ---------- We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all. Fri Oct 24 13:19:56 CDT 1997 ---------- QOTD: "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." Fri Oct 24 13:26:17 CDT 1997 ---------- Take an astronaut to launch. Fri Oct 24 15:44:24 CDT 1997 ---------- Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) Sat Oct 25 11:21:04 CDT 1997 ---------- The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. -- Russell Baker Sat Oct 25 21:46:36 CDT 1997 ---------- Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! Helpless users with projects due Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" * VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation. * DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. -- Curtis Jackson Sun Oct 26 16:09:56 CST 1997 ---------- Does someone from PEORIA have a SHORTER ATTENTION span than me? Sun Oct 26 16:28:13 CST 1997 ---------- Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl Bowman Tue Oct 28 23:16:53 CST 1997 ---------- Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. -- Phyllis Diller There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. -- Quentin Crisp Wed Oct 29 09:48:09 CST 1997 ---------- Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. Wed Oct 29 22:01:27 CST 1997 ---------- It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it. -- Oscar Wilde Wed Oct 29 23:51:59 CST 1997 ---------- interest, n.: What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign. Thu Oct 30 16:34:58 CST 1997 ---------- idleness, n.: Leisure gone to seed. Thu Oct 30 17:06:22 CST 1997 ---------- Because the wine remembers. Thu Oct 30 20:49:33 CST 1997 ---------- Love is a grave mental disease. -- Plato Thu Oct 30 22:14:06 CST 1997 ---------- He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. Fri Oct 31 05:53:25 CST 1997 ---------- I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy Mitford Fri Oct 31 12:30:10 CST 1997 ---------- Rune's Rule: If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. Fri Oct 31 19:37:03 CST 1997 ---------- OS/2 Skyways: The terminal is almost empty, with only a few prospective passengers milling about. The announcer says that their flight has just departed, wishes them a good flight, though there are no planes on the runway. Airline personnel walk around, apologising profusely to customers in hushed voices, pointing from time to time to the sleek, powerful jets outside the terminal on the field. They tell each passenger how good the real flight will be on these new jets and how much safer it will be than Windows Airlines, but that they will have to wait a little longer for the technicians to finish the flight systems. Maybe until mid-1995. Maybe longer. Fri Oct 31 19:38:08 CST 1997 ---------- Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas Szasz Sat Nov 1 01:29:13 CST 1997 ---------- A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry Sat Nov 1 13:20:05 CST 1997 ---------- A truth that's told with bad intent Beats all the lies you can invent. -- William Blake Sat Nov 1 15:06:27 CST 1997 ---------- You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth ... but you cannot, for you lie. -- Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 Sat Nov 1 15:31:40 CST 1997 ---------- "You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" -- Business Professor, University of Georgia Sun Nov 2 12:33:19 CST 1997 ---------- Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. -- Henry Adams Sun Nov 2 13:35:17 CST 1997 ---------- To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. -- 19th century toast Sun Nov 2 23:11:25 CST 1997 ---------- Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? Mon Nov 3 01:17:34 CST 1997 ---------- I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment. -- Alan Bennett Mon Nov 3 01:38:33 CST 1997 ---------- Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" Mon Nov 3 10:32:04 CST 1997 ---------- Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... Mon Nov 3 12:14:08 CST 1997 ---------- Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. Mon Nov 3 15:30:35 CST 1997 ---------- What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. Mon Nov 3 18:03:02 CST 1997 ---------- Ferguson's Precept: A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." Mon Nov 3 18:32:59 CST 1997 ---------- Sacred cows make great hamburgers. Tue Nov 4 14:15:37 CST 1997 ---------- Chemistry is applied theology. -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III Tue Nov 4 15:48:38 CST 1997 ---------- When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein Tue Nov 4 17:48:20 CST 1997 ---------- MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff or not and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Tue Nov 4 17:50:12 CST 1997 ---------- I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. -- David Bowie Wed Nov 5 09:09:00 CST 1997 ---------- In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value to product." According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 10 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have been an efficiency expert? -- Motor Trend, May 1983 Wed Nov 5 18:27:12 CST 1997 ---------- The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Wed Nov 5 18:40:34 CST 1997 ---------- You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except incest and folk-dancing. -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" Wed Nov 5 19:04:11 CST 1997 ---------- Art is either plagiarism or revolution. -- Paul Gauguin Wed Nov 5 20:00:52 CST 1997 ---------- You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. Thu Nov 6 00:56:34 CST 1997 ---------- Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Thu Nov 6 14:05:41 CST 1997 ---------- Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe Thu Nov 6 16:10:39 CST 1997 ---------- "He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." Thu Nov 6 22:37:41 CST 1997 ---------- To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. -- Golda Meir Fri Nov 7 00:08:51 CST 1997 ---------- Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats. Fri Nov 7 18:34:58 CST 1997 ---------- Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). Sat Nov 8 11:35:28 CST 1997 ---------- Yow! I threw up on my window! Sat Nov 8 16:05:20 CST 1997 ---------- love, v.: I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. Sat Nov 8 16:18:24 CST 1997 ---------- And I alone am returned to wag the tail. Sat Nov 8 21:20:10 CST 1997 ---------- Now what would they do if I just sailed away? Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, What would they do if I made no landfall?" -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" Sat Nov 8 21:58:09 CST 1997 ---------- Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem. Sat Nov 8 23:59:18 CST 1997 ---------- Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter. -- Long Chen Pa Sun Nov 9 01:09:18 CST 1997 ---------- Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday. Sun Nov 9 13:15:48 CST 1997 ---------- Knowledge is power. -- Francis Bacon Sun Nov 9 13:17:28 CST 1997 ---------- A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened. From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs. Sun Nov 9 15:53:01 CST 1997 ---------- By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" Sun Nov 9 17:37:50 CST 1997 ---------- Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Sun Nov 9 20:18:09 CST 1997 ---------- Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. -- Alexander Pope Sun Nov 9 20:24:09 CST 1997 ---------- Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. Sun Nov 9 20:32:23 CST 1997 ---------- So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" Sun Nov 9 22:12:23 CST 1997 ---------- DISCLAIMER: Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. Sun Nov 9 23:40:10 CST 1997 ---------- Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). Mon Nov 10 00:12:56 CST 1997 ---------- Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant. Mon Nov 10 03:01:13 CST 1997 ---------- If a system is administered wisely, its users will be content. They enjoy hacking their code and don't waste time implementing labor-saving shell scripts. Since they dearly love their accounts, they aren't interested in other machines. There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, but these don't access any hosts. There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy reading their mail, take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, spend weekends working at their terminals, delight in the doings at the site. And even though the next system is so close that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. Mon Nov 10 15:01:35 CST 1997 ---------- Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. Mon Nov 10 15:06:28 CST 1997 ---------- Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie Mon Nov 10 18:08:35 CST 1997 ---------- Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software. -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's. Mon Nov 10 20:32:09 CST 1997 ---------- In like a dimwit, out like a light. -- Pogo Mon Nov 10 20:57:45 CST 1997 ---------- All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- Ernest Rutherford Mon Nov 10 23:37:24 CST 1997 ---------- Huh? Mon Nov 10 23:51:49 CST 1997 ---------- Famous last words: Tue Nov 11 00:36:33 CST 1997 ---------- The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place. Tue Nov 11 15:47:31 CST 1997 ---------- "Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup." Tue Nov 11 17:38:02 CST 1997 ---------- I would like to know What I was fencing in And what I was fencing out. -- Robert Frost Tue Nov 11 19:07:30 CST 1997 ---------- Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so. Wed Nov 12 00:17:46 CST 1997 ---------- Unix soit qui mal y pense [Unix to him who evil thinks?] Wed Nov 12 10:37:56 CST 1997 ---------- If you're carrying a torch, put it down. The Olympics are over. Wed Nov 12 22:01:27 CST 1997 ---------- The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields Wed Nov 12 23:03:21 CST 1997 ---------- Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of "lekare". "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what he received, shame and wounds." Wed Nov 12 23:04:42 CST 1997 ---------- The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" Thu Nov 13 00:09:03 CST 1997 ---------- No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! -- Sherlock Holmes Thu Nov 13 14:23:47 CST 1997 ---------- All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. Thu Nov 13 14:33:51 CST 1997 ---------- Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. -- Lao Tsu Thu Nov 13 15:09:24 CST 1997 ---------- QOTD: If it's too loud, you're too old. Thu Nov 13 16:11:13 CST 1997 ---------- Yes, but which self do you want to be? Thu Nov 13 16:47:43 CST 1997 ---------- It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. -- Aeschylus Thu Nov 13 16:57:35 CST 1997 ---------- In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us. -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" Fri Nov 14 10:10:34 CST 1997 ---------- Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where! Fri Nov 14 10:12:57 CST 1997 ---------- Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, In kernel as it is in user! Fri Nov 14 21:17:43 CST 1997 ---------- To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" Sat Nov 15 11:19:59 CST 1997 ---------- QOTD: "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket." Sat Nov 15 12:03:08 CST 1997 ---------- What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. Bennett Sat Nov 15 18:12:39 CST 1997 ---------- Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. Sat Nov 15 18:13:41 CST 1997 ---------- To live is always desirable. -- Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9 Sat Nov 15 18:14:23 CST 1997 ---------- Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. Sat Nov 15 22:52:15 CST 1997 ---------- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Sun Nov 16 13:07:38 CST 1997 ---------- Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. Sun Nov 16 13:23:58 CST 1997 ---------- While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there. Mon Nov 17 00:05:18 CST 1997 ---------- Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang Mon Nov 17 12:16:59 CST 1997 ---------- Applause, n: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose Bierce Mon Nov 17 12:37:38 CST 1997 ---------- Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but... -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. -- I have to fulfill my potential. -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. -- It's too close to the turn of the century. -- I have to bleach my hare. -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. -- I left my body in my other clothes. Mon Nov 17 19:05:46 CST 1997 ---------- Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. -- D. Winker and F. Prosser Mon Nov 17 19:55:17 CST 1997 ---------- The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an "airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once. -- Fred Brooks Mon Nov 17 20:11:55 CST 1997 ---------- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry Gelbart Tue Nov 18 15:45:19 CST 1997 ---------- Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can. Tue Nov 18 18:40:53 CST 1997 ---------- Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Tue Nov 18 22:42:36 CST 1997 ---------- I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy. Tue Nov 18 22:44:57 CST 1997 ---------- Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- Groucho Marx's last words Wed Nov 19 18:36:55 CST 1997 ---------- Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. Come inside, the show's about to start, Guaranteed to blow your head apart. Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) Thu Nov 20 20:52:45 CST 1997 ---------- You will be misunderstood by everyone. Thu Nov 20 23:31:37 CST 1997 ---------- Kilroe hic erat! Fri Nov 21 09:08:58 CST 1997 ---------- Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor. Fri Nov 21 09:11:53 CST 1997 ---------- A good scapegoat is hard to find. A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. -- Carolyn Wells Fri Nov 21 15:14:52 CST 1997 ---------- "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll confirm who I am. "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." -- Captain Freedom Fri Nov 21 17:53:20 CST 1997 ---------- All heiresses are beautiful. -- John Dryden Sat Nov 22 00:06:31 CST 1997 ---------- Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West Sat Nov 22 01:38:12 CST 1997 ---------- I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. Sat Nov 22 16:24:54 CST 1997 ---------- Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. Sun Nov 23 02:25:14 CST 1997 ---------- I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to devote it to research in mathematics. -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 Sun Nov 23 21:00:09 CST 1997 ---------- The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" Mon Nov 24 02:45:18 CST 1997 ---------- Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben Mon Nov 24 15:47:31 CST 1997 ---------- Dear Miss Manners: I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my umbrella without seeming insulting? Gentle Reader: Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection before making your attack. Mon Nov 24 16:05:41 CST 1997 ---------- If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career in chartered accountancy beckons. -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic Systems course. Mon Nov 24 17:27:19 CST 1997 ---------- life, n.: That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. Mon Nov 24 17:58:21 CST 1997 ---------- Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. Make our country well again, respected by the world. Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. -- Pansy Myers Schroeder Mon Nov 24 19:51:33 CST 1997 ---------- No evil can happen to a good man. -- Plato Tue Nov 25 03:49:24 CST 1997 ---------- When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple of asterisked sentences: It weighs less than 8 pounds.* And costs less than $1,300.** In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you might not be able to figure this out for yourself. ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if you really want to. Or less. -- Forbes Tue Nov 25 17:34:50 CST 1997 ---------- I married beneath me. All women do. -- Lady Nancy Astor Wed Nov 26 18:38:25 CST 1997 ---------- For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be content with what you've got. (2) Be sure you've got plenty. Thu Nov 27 00:19:00 CST 1997 ---------- Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wilde Thu Nov 27 09:48:44 CST 1997 ---------- The FALAFEL SANDWICH lands on my HEAD and I become a VEGETARIAN ... Fri Nov 28 00:24:39 CST 1997 ---------- character density, n.: The number of very weird people in the office. Fri Nov 28 01:36:12 CST 1997 ---------- Some men are so interested in their wives' continued happiness that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. Fri Nov 28 11:59:27 CST 1997 ---------- Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. -- Marlo Thomas Sat Nov 29 02:56:03 CST 1997 ---------- Engineering: "How will this work?" Science: "Why will this work?" Management: "When will this work?" Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" Sat Nov 29 03:19:20 CST 1997 ---------- The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander Sat Nov 29 17:04:59 CST 1997 ---------- Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. Tue Dec 2 14:06:34 CST 1997 ---------- If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud. -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" Tue Dec 2 17:20:12 CST 1997 ---------- The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: Retribution: I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. Anticipation: I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. Diplomacy: I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the pretext that your brother did it. Wed Dec 3 00:28:39 CST 1997 ---------- Suffocating together ... would create heroic camaraderie. -- Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8 Wed Dec 3 13:50:40 CST 1997 ---------- furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Wed Dec 3 22:44:07 CST 1997 ---------- The faster we go, the rounder we get. -- The Grateful Dead Thu Dec 4 02:36:12 CST 1997 ---------- Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt Thu Dec 4 03:54:06 CST 1997 ---------- Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin Thu Dec 4 14:52:21 CST 1997 ---------- Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Fri Dec 5 18:07:38 CST 1997 ---------- If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program an imbedded system. The salient characteristic of an imbedded system is that it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention will suffice to remove it. An imbedded system can't permanently trust anything it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming carefulness here. No. Programming an imbedded system calls for undiluted raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you get my drift. Sat Dec 6 12:39:08 CST 1997 ---------- Quod erat demonstrandum. [Thus it is proven. For those who wondered WTF QED means.] Mon Dec 8 15:28:18 CST 1997 ---------- If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) Mon Dec 8 15:53:53 CST 1997 ---------- Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. Tue Dec 9 23:39:46 CST 1997 ---------- It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. -- H. Warner Munn Wed Dec 10 21:58:21 CST 1997 ---------- You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] Thu Dec 11 19:22:54 CST 1997 ---------- Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. -- Maurice Chevalier Thu Dec 11 20:45:42 CST 1997 ---------- Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" Fri Dec 12 19:29:29 CST 1997 ---------- You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective. Fri Dec 12 22:13:04 CST 1997 ---------- Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania Mon Dec 15 18:27:38 CST 1997 ---------- Odets, where is thy sting? -- George S. Kaufman Tue Dec 16 16:43:01 CST 1997 ---------- Dental health is next to mental health. Tue Dec 16 19:33:39 CST 1997 ---------- A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" Tue Dec 16 23:27:24 CST 1997 ---------- I smell like a wet reducing clinic on Columbus Day! Wed Dec 17 01:50:53 CST 1997 ---------- What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank? -- Bertold Brecht Wed Dec 17 16:23:13 CST 1997 ---------- buzzword, n: The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. Fri Dec 19 14:56:11 CST 1997 ---------- Wait! You have not been prepared! -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2 Sat Dec 20 11:28:15 CST 1997 ---------- It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental results to humans. [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] Sun Dec 21 16:36:38 CST 1997 ---------- Television is now so desperately hungry for material that it is scraping the top of the barrel. -- Gore Vidal Sun Dec 21 22:08:20 CST 1997 ---------- What ever happened to happily ever after? Mon Dec 22 01:03:51 CST 1997 ---------- It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six. -- Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3 Tue Dec 23 00:26:26 CST 1997 ---------- Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're leading the parade. -- Bill Battie Tue Dec 23 01:33:28 CST 1997 ---------- Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid no attention to the signal. The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, "I was afraid you would waver under testimony." "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." Thu Dec 25 00:48:18 CST 1997 ---------- While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. -- Edward Stevenson Fri Dec 26 00:10:13 CST 1997 ---------- When the saleman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the right." "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in the wrong joke." Fri Dec 26 20:14:46 CST 1997 ---------- No one wants war. -- Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7 Fri Dec 26 20:53:27 CST 1997 ---------- History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. Sat Dec 27 00:22:48 CST 1997 ---------- Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. Sat Dec 27 11:14:01 CST 1997 ---------- I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Sun Dec 28 20:03:20 CST 1997 ---------- You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. Mon Dec 29 10:42:10 CST 1997 ---------- O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Mon Dec 29 17:13:40 CST 1997 ---------- FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 Bathrooms: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. Groceries: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. Tue Dec 30 17:40:37 CST 1997 ---------- If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. -- Freeman Dyson Tue Dec 30 17:53:33 CST 1997 ---------- Do, or do not; there is no try. Wed Dec 31 02:51:10 CST 1997 ---------- We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. -- Calvin Coolidge Fri Jan 9 01:00:37 CST 1998 ---------- It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. Fri Jan 9 09:36:19 CST 1998 ---------- "... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour" Fri Jan 9 09:46:27 CST 1998 ---------- Happiness is twin floppies. Fri Jan 9 19:05:19 CST 1998 ---------- Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. Fri Jan 9 21:55:28 CST 1998 ---------- No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. Sat Jan 10 16:21:49 CST 1998 ---------- "I'm an idiot.. At least this one [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.." (Linus Torvalds in response to a bug report.) > I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. Disquieting ... (Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.) > I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals then. (Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.) > I'm an idiot.. At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-). (Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds's mailing about a kernel bug.) Sat Jan 10 21:27:17 CST 1998 ---------- Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?" Sun Jan 11 16:02:53 CST 1998 ---------- He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. -- B. Franklin Sun Jan 11 17:55:25 CST 1998 ---------- Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. Sun Jan 11 23:33:24 CST 1998 ---------- The Worst Jury A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the remotest clue what was happening. The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he was hearing a murder trial. The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language and nearly as deaf as the first juror. The judge ordered a retrial. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" Mon Jan 12 11:41:09 CST 1998 ---------- Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mon Jan 12 21:47:07 CST 1998 ---------- Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. Tue Jan 13 11:49:00 CST 1998 ---------- Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. Tue Jan 13 11:49:27 CST 1998 ---------- Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby. -- Robin Hood Tue Jan 13 17:15:51 CST 1998 ---------- While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. -- Edward Stevenson Wed Jan 14 18:02:27 CST 1998 ---------- This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. Wed Jan 14 19:13:11 CST 1998 ---------- The price of success in philosophy is triviality. -- C. Glymour. Thu Jan 15 13:22:00 CST 1998 ---------- We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior development. -- Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7 Thu Jan 15 14:11:37 CST 1998 ---------- As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. -- The Cowboy Thu Jan 15 14:23:50 CST 1998 ---------- "I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives." Fri Jan 16 17:26:25 CST 1998 ---------- "Irrationality is the square root of all evil" -- Douglas Hofstadter Fri Jan 16 19:47:54 CST 1998 ---------- pessimist: A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. Sat Jan 17 10:58:47 CST 1998 ---------- Oregano, n.: The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. Sat Jan 17 15:21:01 CST 1998 ---------- try again Sat Jan 17 23:28:56 CST 1998 ---------- Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverb Sun Jan 18 15:10:43 CST 1998 ---------- We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years. -- Nick Faldo Sun Jan 18 19:02:02 CST 1998 ---------- We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from our children. Mon Jan 19 08:41:51 CST 1998 ---------- Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. Why a man would want *___two* wives is a bigamystery. Mon Jan 19 12:01:31 CST 1998 ---------- The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. Mon Jan 19 18:20:26 CST 1998 ---------- My CODE of ETHICS is vacationing at famed SCHROON LAKE in upstate New York!! Tue Jan 20 09:51:46 CST 1998 ---------- Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. -- Oscar Wilde Tue Jan 20 16:41:51 CST 1998 ---------- Have a nice diurnal anomaly. Tue Jan 20 18:30:16 CST 1998 ---------- Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm not ready for an institution yet. -- Mae West Tue Jan 20 21:22:57 CST 1998 ---------- Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. Wed Jan 21 08:27:18 CST 1998 ---------- You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. Wed Jan 21 11:49:47 CST 1998 ---------- Sic transit gloria mundi. [So passes away the glory of this world.] -- Thomas `a Kempis Thu Jan 22 09:39:33 CST 1998 ---------- Killing is wrong. -- Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown Thu Jan 22 12:39:49 CST 1998 ---------- Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown Thu Jan 22 17:22:03 CST 1998 ---------- The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. -- Oscar Wilde Thu Jan 22 17:23:18 CST 1998 ---------- There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. -- Ed Sanders Thu Jan 22 22:46:52 CST 1998 ---------- Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! All the king's horses, And all the king's men, Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! Fri Jan 23 14:53:38 CST 1998 ---------- I don't want a pickle, I just wanna ride on my motorsickle. And I don't want to die, I just want to ride on my motorcy. Cle. -- Arlo Guthrie Fri Jan 23 17:26:27 CST 1998 ---------- Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. Fri Jan 23 19:41:01 CST 1998 ---------- Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is it always me, teacher?" "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher explains. -- being told in Poland, 1987 Sat Jan 24 10:28:27 CST 1998 ---------- If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Sat Jan 24 14:18:22 CST 1998 ---------- By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you. Sat Jan 24 21:54:49 CST 1998 ---------- Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz Sun Jan 25 00:33:43 CST 1998 ---------- You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman. Sun Jan 25 12:56:46 CST 1998 ---------- Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sun Jan 25 18:33:18 CST 1998 ---------- What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. -- Christopher Fry Mon Jan 26 08:35:11 CST 1998 ---------- I guess you guys got BIG MUSCLES from doing too much STUDYING! Mon Jan 26 11:52:49 CST 1998 ---------- "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News Mon Jan 26 12:39:18 CST 1998 ---------- Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! Mon Jan 26 20:28:58 CST 1998 ---------- The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings of civilization. -- T.K. Mon Jan 26 20:54:58 CST 1998 ---------- In charity there is no excess. -- Francis Bacon Tue Jan 27 19:56:28 CST 1998 ---------- Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. Tue Jan 27 23:06:09 CST 1998 ---------- Whistler's mother is off her rocker. Tue Jan 27 23:30:08 CST 1998 ---------- ... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" Wed Jan 28 04:58:16 CST 1998 ---------- Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. Thu Jan 29 14:34:24 CST 1998 ---------- It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it... Fri Jan 30 23:00:03 CST 1998 ---------- "...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)." (By Matt Welsh) Fri Jan 30 23:19:34 CST 1998 ---------- Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days. Sat Jan 31 13:29:02 CST 1998 ---------- Never let your schooling interfere with your education. Sun Feb 1 22:01:07 CST 1998 ---------- Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. Sun Feb 1 22:54:13 CST 1998 ---------- Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. Sun Feb 1 23:16:24 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?" Mon Feb 2 12:02:29 CST 1998 ---------- I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Tue Feb 3 20:33:18 CST 1998 ---------- Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Tue Feb 3 21:40:12 CST 1998 ---------- Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" Tue Feb 3 21:51:46 CST 1998 ---------- If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer Wed Feb 4 09:24:34 CST 1998 ---------- If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster. -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" Wed Feb 4 12:02:07 CST 1998 ---------- Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they regain their composure. Wed Feb 4 12:09:59 CST 1998 ---------- You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. Thu Feb 5 00:08:07 CST 1998 ---------- One reason why George Washington Is held in such veneration: He never blamed his problems On the former Administration. -- George O. Ludcke Thu Feb 5 13:29:49 CST 1998 ---------- This fortune intentionally says nothing. Fri Feb 6 19:54:08 CST 1998 ---------- A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office. "I need some four-by-two's," he says. "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check." Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable. "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says. He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house". Fri Feb 6 21:03:18 CST 1998 ---------- So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a friendly basis -- great Durbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could use; mighty Durbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to extrapolate the location of their kitchens). -- Theodore Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" Sat Feb 7 16:38:18 CST 1998 ---------- While you're chewing, think of STEVEN SPIELBERG'S bank account ... his will have the same effect as two "STARCH BLOCKERS"! Sat Feb 7 19:49:47 CST 1998 ---------- Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Sun Feb 8 21:57:43 CST 1998 ---------- Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. Sun Feb 8 22:46:18 CST 1998 ---------- > No manual is ever necessary. May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT. That's the biggest Apple lie of all! (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.) Tue Feb 10 00:05:03 CST 1998 ---------- Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. Tue Feb 10 21:52:46 CST 1998 ---------- Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. -- John Updike, "Couples" Wed Feb 11 20:39:32 CST 1998 ---------- Don't hit me!! I'm in the Twilight Zone!!! Thu Feb 12 13:47:50 CST 1998 ---------- Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: DC Divide and Conquer DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key DO Divide and Overflow EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator EPI Execute Programmer Immediately EROS Erase Read Only Storage EXCE Execute Customer Engineer HCF Halt and Catch Fire IBP Insert Bug and Proceed INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) PBC Print and Break Chain PDSK Punch Disk Sat Feb 14 01:28:19 CST 1998 ---------- There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus Sat Feb 14 17:26:51 CST 1998 ---------- Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may have got him. Sun Feb 15 16:43:09 CST 1998 ---------- Let no guilty man escape. -- U.S. Grant Sun Feb 15 17:18:52 CST 1998 ---------- If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers? Sun Feb 15 23:20:43 CST 1998 ---------- Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud. Mon Feb 16 11:34:38 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the gerbil has more dark meat. Mon Feb 16 22:49:24 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." Tue Feb 17 20:36:04 CST 1998 ---------- UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn Tue Feb 17 22:23:15 CST 1998 ---------- No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it. -- Hal Chadwick Wed Feb 18 10:00:48 CST 1998 ---------- Cobol programmers are down in the dumps. Thu Feb 19 12:19:11 CST 1998 ---------- Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- The Old Farmer's Almanac Thu Feb 19 16:01:27 CST 1998 ---------- "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. Thu Feb 19 20:36:31 CST 1998 ---------- A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous. Fri Feb 20 01:49:17 CST 1998 ---------- Expedience is the best teacher. Fri Feb 20 17:20:25 CST 1998 ---------- In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is. Sat Feb 21 03:12:46 CST 1998 ---------- Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled. -- R.P. Feynman Sat Feb 21 16:22:38 CST 1998 ---------- On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." Sun Feb 22 14:24:56 CST 1998 ---------- Reputation, adj.: What others are not thinking about you. Sun Feb 22 14:41:56 CST 1998 ---------- Cursor, n.: One whose program will not run. -- Robb Russon Sun Feb 22 16:38:29 CST 1998 ---------- Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? Mon Feb 23 21:25:07 CST 1998 ---------- panic: can't find / Tue Feb 24 17:14:36 CST 1998 ---------- Only God can make random selections. Tue Feb 24 18:05:06 CST 1998 ---------- You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're welcome," I believe, is the correct response. -- Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2 Tue Feb 24 18:23:21 CST 1998 ---------- Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending. Tue Feb 24 20:20:44 CST 1998 ---------- Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich Little Tue Feb 24 23:01:07 CST 1998 ---------- It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Wed Feb 25 15:00:13 CST 1998 ---------- Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Wed Feb 25 15:26:45 CST 1998 ---------- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. Weiler Wed Feb 25 16:57:44 CST 1998 ---------- momentum, n.: What you give a person when they are going away. Wed Feb 25 17:32:20 CST 1998 ---------- You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright Wed Feb 25 20:00:10 CST 1998 ---------- We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. -- Jonathon Swift Wed Feb 25 22:23:22 CST 1998 ---------- Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. -- George M. Cohan Thu Feb 26 12:23:05 CST 1998 ---------- A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. Thu Feb 26 13:29:10 CST 1998 ---------- Steckel's Rule to Success: Good enough is never good enough. Thu Feb 26 23:54:26 CST 1998 ---------- The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 Sat Feb 28 13:23:36 CST 1998 ---------- I'm also against BODY-SURFING!! Sun Mar 1 14:08:58 CST 1998 ---------- petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Mon Mar 2 00:24:32 CST 1998 ---------- "If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system." (By Linus Torvalds) Mon Mar 2 15:54:13 CST 1998 ---------- The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more. Mon Mar 2 17:06:22 CST 1998 ---------- Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? A: Because he was hungry. Mon Mar 2 17:18:32 CST 1998 ---------- It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter Mon Mar 2 17:39:46 CST 1998 ---------- !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH Mon Mar 2 18:37:31 CST 1998 ---------- Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. Mon Mar 2 20:14:09 CST 1998 ---------- Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a decorous age. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Mon Mar 2 20:26:43 CST 1998 ---------- Did I SELL OUT yet?? Mon Mar 2 20:28:18 CST 1998 ---------- You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. Tue Mar 3 18:04:56 CST 1998 ---------- Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! Tue Mar 3 18:21:59 CST 1998 ---------- The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. -- Mark Twain Tue Mar 3 22:13:32 CST 1998 ---------- I saw what you did and I know who you are. Wed Mar 4 17:42:43 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. Thu Mar 5 01:27:04 CST 1998 ---------- I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. Thu Mar 5 19:08:12 CST 1998 ---------- The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum Thu Mar 5 22:20:53 CST 1998 ---------- What PROGRAM are they watching? Fri Mar 6 18:19:00 CST 1998 ---------- Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sat Mar 7 14:55:05 CST 1998 ---------- A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. Sun Mar 8 18:37:20 CST 1998 ---------- We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. -- Mark Twain Sun Mar 8 19:17:10 CST 1998 ---------- Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. Mon Mar 9 18:39:14 CST 1998 ---------- God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. Mon Mar 9 18:46:17 CST 1998 ---------- Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. Mon Mar 9 22:37:54 CST 1998 ---------- You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to prosecution for perjury and fraud. -- Excerpt from Taxachussetts income tax forms Tue Mar 10 00:31:30 CST 1998 ---------- Keep on keepin' on. Tue Mar 10 14:07:13 CST 1998 ---------- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers. Tue Mar 10 17:37:30 CST 1998 ---------- The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's advantage to see the truth. -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer Tue Mar 10 17:51:58 CST 1998 ---------- Between infinite and short there is a big difference. -- G.H. Gonnet Tue Mar 10 22:36:16 CST 1998 ---------- At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason. -- John Keats Tue Mar 10 23:12:31 CST 1998 ---------- Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. Wed Mar 11 19:31:20 CST 1998 ---------- Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise? Thu Mar 12 13:53:08 CST 1998 ---------- This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've got to find a way off this planet. Thu Mar 12 17:49:40 CST 1998 ---------- Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation. Fri Mar 13 14:51:20 CST 1998 ---------- "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but examined his claws. "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been hers and not my own, not ever again." -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" Fri Mar 13 18:05:04 CST 1998 ---------- Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! Fri Mar 13 21:12:59 CST 1998 ---------- Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. -- Alfieri Sat Mar 14 19:58:48 CST 1998 ---------- Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. Sat Mar 14 20:07:49 CST 1998 ---------- Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sat Mar 14 21:20:53 CST 1998 ---------- Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ... -- Gilda Radner Sat Mar 14 22:34:15 CST 1998 ---------- God helps them that themselves. -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac" Sun Mar 15 09:35:28 CST 1998 ---------- What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" Sun Mar 15 12:38:49 CST 1998 ---------- If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right. -- Alistair Cooke Sun Mar 15 12:57:04 CST 1998 ---------- Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. Sun Mar 15 13:09:12 CST 1998 ---------- Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. -- Jim Horning Mon Mar 16 01:03:55 CST 1998 ---------- There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. Mon Mar 16 01:24:34 CST 1998 ---------- I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. It's the truth. -- Charlie Chaplin Mon Mar 16 01:36:54 CST 1998 ---------- You have been selected for a secret mission. Mon Mar 16 20:38:33 CST 1998 ---------- I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. -- John Denver [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] Tue Mar 17 11:26:25 CST 1998 ---------- I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always different. -- Mrs. La Touche Tue Mar 17 12:48:30 CST 1998 ---------- Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Tue Mar 17 16:03:57 CST 1998 ---------- Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on the reader! For example, the sentence Jane went to the store to buy bread should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) Tue Mar 17 16:16:42 CST 1998 ---------- The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career. -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. Tue Mar 17 16:45:44 CST 1998 ---------- It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long Tue Mar 17 22:31:17 CST 1998 ---------- timesharing, n: An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. Tue Mar 17 22:50:52 CST 1998 ---------- If elected, Zippy pledges to each and every American a 55-year-old houseboy ... Tue Mar 17 22:51:07 CST 1998 ---------- The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. -- Bill Lawrence Tue Mar 17 22:52:23 CST 1998 ---------- You will lose an important tape file. Tue Mar 17 22:54:52 CST 1998 ---------- Words have a longer life than deeds. -- Pindar Thu Mar 19 18:12:29 CST 1998 ---------- Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder. Thu Mar 19 21:47:30 CST 1998 ---------- A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination. Fri Mar 20 09:32:09 CST 1998 ---------- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. -- Aristotle Onassis Fri Mar 20 09:34:54 CST 1998 ---------- A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. -- B. Franklin Fri Mar 20 09:51:47 CST 1998 ---------- Everything in this book may be wrong. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul Fri Mar 20 11:25:16 CST 1998 ---------- Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even worse. -- Avery Fri Mar 20 19:05:15 CST 1998 ---------- Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire Sat Mar 21 01:55:01 CST 1998 ---------- And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. Sat Mar 21 12:37:11 CST 1998 ---------- Haste makes waste. -- John Heywood Sat Mar 21 19:11:38 CST 1998 ---------- Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. Sat Mar 21 21:27:00 CST 1998 ---------- It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. -- Bertrand Russell Sun Mar 22 11:40:50 CST 1998 ---------- Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. -- Mark Twain Sun Mar 22 11:56:45 CST 1998 ---------- laser, n.: Failed death ray. Sun Mar 22 14:58:43 CST 1998 ---------- COBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. Sun Mar 22 15:12:57 CST 1998 ---------- Cache: A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there. Sun Mar 22 21:54:30 CST 1998 ---------- Spelling is a lossed art. Mon Mar 23 15:19:07 CST 1998 ---------- This here's the wattle, The emblem of our land. You can stick it in a bottle; You can hold it in your hand. Amen! -- Monty Python Mon Mar 23 15:26:36 CST 1998 ---------- COBOL: An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. Mon Mar 23 16:13:04 CST 1998 ---------- A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went out." "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* that doubt!" Mon Mar 23 22:41:31 CST 1998 ---------- Boycott meat -- suck your thumb. Mon Mar 23 22:46:23 CST 1998 ---------- Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. Mon Mar 23 23:11:27 CST 1998 ---------- There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. Tue Mar 24 13:22:44 CST 1998 ---------- How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? Tue Mar 24 17:45:08 CST 1998 ---------- In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection. Tue Mar 24 18:47:46 CST 1998 ---------- Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Wed Mar 25 15:38:36 CST 1998 ---------- The Great Movie Posters: *A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. -- Tea with a Kick (1924) Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! -- The Wild Party (1929) YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! DIX -- the dashing soldier! DIX -- the bold adventurer! DIX -- the throbbing lover! -- The Wheel of Life (1929) SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! -- The Night is Young (1934) Wed Mar 25 16:51:40 CST 1998 ---------- Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 20,000 women. -- Lank and Earl Wed Mar 25 21:58:59 CST 1998 ---------- Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. -- Jim Samuels Thu Mar 26 01:20:00 CST 1998 ---------- A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" Thu Mar 26 14:25:32 CST 1998 ---------- Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. -- Roger Price Thu Mar 26 17:00:53 CST 1998 ---------- We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. Thu Mar 26 19:51:09 CST 1998 ---------- A tautology is a thing which is tautological. Fri Mar 27 18:43:41 CST 1998 ---------- Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." Fri Mar 27 21:49:29 CST 1998 ---------- As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* for doing it." -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" Sun Mar 29 01:20:43 CST 1998 ---------- "They make a desert and call it peace." -- Tacitus (55?-120?) Sun Mar 29 15:22:15 CST 1998 ---------- Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. Sun Mar 29 19:06:18 CST 1998 ---------- Where does it go when you flush? Mon Mar 30 17:23:21 CST 1998 ---------- We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. Mon Mar 30 19:53:33 CST 1998 ---------- In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor. Tue Mar 31 17:16:14 CST 1998 ---------- Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Tue Mar 31 22:48:22 CST 1998 ---------- How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulle Wed Apr 1 09:34:10 CST 1998 ---------- "I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific". -- Steven Wright Wed Apr 1 12:02:27 CST 1998 ---------- Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. -- Camus Wed Apr 1 12:30:50 CST 1998 ---------- "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." -- Dr. Joy Wed Apr 1 12:34:36 CST 1998 ---------- Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. -- David Letterman Wed Apr 1 12:47:00 CST 1998 ---------- Cold hands, no gloves. Wed Apr 1 17:35:38 CST 1998 ---------- You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. Wed Apr 1 23:09:35 CST 1998 ---------- The Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. Thu Apr 2 00:16:25 CST 1998 ---------- I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. Thu Apr 2 09:51:52 CST 1998 ---------- Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? Thu Apr 2 13:16:21 CST 1998 ---------- It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis Thu Apr 2 13:44:33 CST 1998 ---------- As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes Thu Apr 2 17:10:05 CST 1998 ---------- Lift every voice and sing Till earth and heaven ring, Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; Let our rejoicing rise High as the listening skies, Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, Let us march on till victory is won. -- James Weldon Johnson Fri Apr 3 00:30:21 CST 1998 ---------- Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure. Fri Apr 3 17:08:46 CST 1998 ---------- If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind. -- Edgar R. Fiedler Fri Apr 3 21:14:59 CST 1998 ---------- There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in the middle of the night?'" Fri Apr 3 23:05:12 CST 1998 ---------- Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. Sat Apr 4 09:12:15 CST 1998 ---------- Huh? Sat Apr 4 16:50:22 CST 1998 ---------- Moebius always does it on the same side. Sat Apr 4 23:33:01 CST 1998 ---------- You tread upon my patience. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" Sun Apr 5 12:59:58 CDT 1998 ---------- Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. -- Anonymous Sun Apr 5 15:01:08 CDT 1998 ---------- ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod Sun Apr 5 15:08:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Sun Apr 5 15:09:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? Sun Apr 5 15:12:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wilde Sun Apr 5 15:15:46 CDT 1998 ---------- A Parable of Modern Research: Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one brightly lit corner. "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" "I can only see here." Sun Apr 5 15:21:58 CDT 1998 ---------- Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. Sun Apr 5 19:55:09 CDT 1998 ---------- That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love in the same way as us. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Sun Apr 5 20:01:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. -- Thomas J. Kopp Mon Apr 6 16:48:00 CDT 1998 ---------- The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst Mon Apr 6 22:50:58 CDT 1998 ---------- You get what you pay for. -- Gabriel Biel Tue Apr 7 00:57:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. Tue Apr 7 17:06:44 CDT 1998 ---------- There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. Tue Apr 7 20:53:07 CDT 1998 ---------- What I want to find out is -- do parrots know much about Astro-Turf? Tue Apr 7 21:23:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Jones' First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution. Tue Apr 7 23:36:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. Wed Apr 8 12:51:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character. -- Jonathan Swift Wed Apr 8 17:24:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Matrimony is the root of all evil. Wed Apr 8 18:38:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Wed Apr 8 20:44:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! Wed Apr 8 22:57:28 CDT 1998 ---------- If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G.B. Shaw Thu Apr 9 01:26:59 CDT 1998 ---------- The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. -- Peter Beard Thu Apr 9 13:44:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Life's too short to dance with ugly women. Thu Apr 9 15:19:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Thu Apr 9 19:19:18 CDT 1998 ---------- For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. -- Alexander Pope Fri Apr 10 00:17:56 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? A: Moby Pickle. Fri Apr 10 15:00:23 CDT 1998 ---------- I am deeply CONCERNED and I want something GOOD for BREAKFAST! Fri Apr 10 15:00:58 CDT 1998 ---------- I don't understand you anymore. Fri Apr 10 15:35:56 CDT 1998 ---------- Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! Fri Apr 10 17:56:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Go climb a gravity well! Fri Apr 10 21:33:05 CDT 1998 ---------- The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- Scratch a lover and find a foe! -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" Fri Apr 10 23:12:18 CDT 1998 ---------- Begathon, n.: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials. Fri Apr 10 23:15:06 CDT 1998 ---------- Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least he can do is to shut up! -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" Sat Apr 11 01:04:45 CDT 1998 ---------- If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted. Sat Apr 11 10:32:22 CDT 1998 ---------- If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. -- Chinese Proverb Sat Apr 11 10:50:57 CDT 1998 ---------- I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to the point where it would not run at all. -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black Holes and the Fate of Stars" Sat Apr 11 22:55:39 CDT 1998 ---------- The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. Sun Apr 12 16:46:05 CDT 1998 ---------- To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. Then bind them to a metaphor or three, and take by force a satisfying mesh. Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. You are the master here, and they the slaves. Now whip them to maintain a constant pace and rhythm as they stand in even staves. A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! What use are words that drive not to the heart? A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, and choose more docile words to take its part. A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, by making love directly to the brain. Sun Apr 12 20:36:49 CDT 1998 ---------- nohup rm -fr /& Mon Apr 13 03:22:03 CDT 1998 ---------- The Great Movie Posters: HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! -- The Cycle Savages (1969) The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) Mon Apr 13 16:17:54 CDT 1998 ---------- On ability: A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD Tue Apr 14 09:59:28 CDT 1998 ---------- When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission. -- Grace Murray Hopper Tue Apr 14 12:43:58 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson Tue Apr 14 16:28:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Tue Apr 14 17:00:39 CDT 1998 ---------- I know things about TROY DONAHUE that can't even be PRINTED!! Tue Apr 14 17:04:43 CDT 1998 ---------- Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. How can you tell me you're lonely, And say for you the sun don't shine? Let me take you by the hand Lead you through the streets of London I'll show you something to make you change your mind... Have you seen the old man outside the sea-man's mission Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. In our winter city the rain cries a little pity For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... Tue Apr 14 17:08:21 CDT 1998 ---------- People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps. Tue Apr 14 18:08:42 CDT 1998 ---------- How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? Tue Apr 14 18:29:06 CDT 1998 ---------- Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.] -- Henri Estienne Tue Apr 14 19:16:02 CDT 1998 ---------- Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. Tue Apr 14 23:34:45 CDT 1998 ---------- He is now rising from affluence to poverty. -- Mark Twain Wed Apr 15 01:12:32 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. Wed Apr 15 13:49:08 CDT 1998 ---------- It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" Wed Apr 15 14:35:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Thus spake the master programmer: "Time for you to leave." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Wed Apr 15 18:03:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Words must be weighed, not counted. Wed Apr 15 22:00:44 CDT 1998 ---------- You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. Wed Apr 15 22:02:12 CDT 1998 ---------- A woman, especially if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. -- Jane Austen Thu Apr 16 00:15:03 CDT 1998 ---------- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -- Gloria Steinem Thu Apr 16 12:57:39 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: "Our parents were never our age." Thu Apr 16 17:45:57 CDT 1998 ---------- "Boy, life takes a long time to live." -- Steven Wright Thu Apr 16 17:47:11 CDT 1998 ---------- The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. Thu Apr 16 18:54:36 CDT 1998 ---------- A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it were quite a struggle. -- Edna Ferber Thu Apr 16 19:02:05 CDT 1998 ---------- "If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system." (By Linus Torvalds) Thu Apr 16 19:32:40 CDT 1998 ---------- Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon Thu Apr 16 19:43:45 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] Thu Apr 16 23:07:39 CDT 1998 ---------- AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. Fri Apr 17 08:59:16 CDT 1998 ---------- Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 Fri Apr 17 09:00:11 CDT 1998 ---------- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Fri Apr 17 12:27:55 CDT 1998 ---------- "Hawk, we're going to die." "Never say die... and certainly never say we." -- M*A*S*H Fri Apr 17 16:54:40 CDT 1998 ---------- Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. -- John F. Kennedy Fri Apr 17 20:05:54 CDT 1998 ---------- I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance. -- Steven Wright Fri Apr 17 22:03:34 CDT 1998 ---------- In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. Fri Apr 17 22:21:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder. Sat Apr 18 02:00:30 CDT 1998 ---------- "No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper." -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch Sat Apr 18 10:53:05 CDT 1998 ---------- A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out of the store with the woman following him in a daze. The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a terrific weekend." Sat Apr 18 15:02:03 CDT 1998 ---------- Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. Sat Apr 18 19:08:21 CDT 1998 ---------- "If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul White Sat Apr 18 22:35:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O. Sat Apr 18 22:39:23 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm not an Iranian!! I voted for Dianne Feinstein!! Sun Apr 19 15:49:25 CDT 1998 ---------- To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. Sun Apr 19 16:05:37 CDT 1998 ---------- Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. -- Menander Sun Apr 19 19:53:43 CDT 1998 ---------- VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M. Sun Apr 19 22:53:43 CDT 1998 ---------- Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Mon Apr 20 16:07:54 CDT 1998 ---------- You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. Mon Apr 20 21:20:01 CDT 1998 ---------- ((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) Mon Apr 20 21:31:56 CDT 1998 ---------- I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" Mon Apr 20 21:56:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. -- Picasso Mon Apr 20 22:43:46 CDT 1998 ---------- To add insult to injury. -- Phaedrus Tue Apr 21 01:45:33 CDT 1998 ---------- In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? Tue Apr 21 16:27:25 CDT 1998 ---------- It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We need to find out where we are." Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me where we are?" The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately fifty feet in the air!" George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless!" That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". Tue Apr 21 18:11:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Anger is momentary madness. -- Horace Tue Apr 21 21:46:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller Wed Apr 22 15:22:12 CDT 1998 ---------- Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. Wed Apr 22 17:07:15 CDT 1998 ---------- If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -- Woody Allen Wed Apr 22 19:16:11 CDT 1998 ---------- But what can you do with it? -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner. (Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com) Wed Apr 22 21:41:02 CDT 1998 ---------- The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. -- Alan Coult Wed Apr 22 21:46:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Thu Apr 23 00:02:55 CDT 1998 ---------- IBM: [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. Thu Apr 23 01:42:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks. Thu Apr 23 13:25:06 CDT 1998 ---------- It's OBVIOUS ... The FURS never reached ISTANBUL ... You were an EXTRA in the REMAKE of "TOPKAPI" ... Go home to your WIFE ... She's making FRENCH TOAST! Thu Apr 23 17:02:57 CDT 1998 ---------- In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain Thu Apr 23 19:55:36 CDT 1998 ---------- Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina. Thu Apr 23 22:47:52 CDT 1998 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did! Fri Apr 24 16:30:41 CDT 1998 ---------- The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." Fri Apr 24 19:21:28 CDT 1998 ---------- I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway Fri Apr 24 19:40:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. Fri Apr 24 21:49:53 CDT 1998 ---------- Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them. -- McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3 Sat Apr 25 12:16:21 CDT 1998 ---------- While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. Sat Apr 25 20:07:24 CDT 1998 ---------- If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. Sun Apr 26 01:58:03 CDT 1998 ---------- The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly. -- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul Sun Apr 26 19:38:11 CDT 1998 ---------- When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. -- Henry J. Kaiser Sun Apr 26 22:22:47 CDT 1998 ---------- In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." -- Mark Twain Mon Apr 27 09:29:35 CDT 1998 ---------- On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, "You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, she looked like the side of a barn. I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had to decide quickly. I decided. A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" Mon Apr 27 15:19:12 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What is the difference between a duck? A: One leg is both the same. Mon Apr 27 15:32:47 CDT 1998 ---------- aphorism, n.: A concise, clever statement. afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. -- James Alexander Thom Mon Apr 27 15:34:53 CDT 1998 ---------- "Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-Nut oil!" -- Dr. Seuss "Horton Hears a Who" Mon Apr 27 16:31:20 CDT 1998 ---------- I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it in the room alone. Mon Apr 27 16:32:51 CDT 1998 ---------- If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? Mon Apr 27 19:44:02 CDT 1998 ---------- "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest fantasies?" "You keep it to yourself." -- Broadcast News Mon Apr 27 21:27:09 CDT 1998 ---------- Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Tue Apr 28 13:24:23 CDT 1998 ---------- FROZEN ENTREES may be flung by members of opposing SWANSON SECTS ... Tue Apr 28 17:59:59 CDT 1998 ---------- Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. -- John Lyly Tue Apr 28 20:46:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Beam me up, Scotty! Wed Apr 29 09:12:31 CDT 1998 ---------- Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" Wed Apr 29 12:27:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. Wed Apr 29 12:48:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Entropy requires no maintenance. -- Markoff Chaney Wed Apr 29 15:33:38 CDT 1998 ---------- He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS Wed Apr 29 16:23:30 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." Wed Apr 29 22:19:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, seized this one for the fair form that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still. Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, seized me so strongly with delight in him, that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. Love brought us to one death. -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 Wed Apr 29 23:42:02 CDT 1998 ---------- Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess. -- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"] Thu Apr 30 10:21:59 CDT 1998 ---------- There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. -- Friedrich Nietzsche Thu Apr 30 13:09:51 CDT 1998 ---------- "On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK' - everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS." (By Tarl Neustaedter) Thu Apr 30 13:13:26 CDT 1998 ---------- There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about. -- John von Neumann Thu Apr 30 13:27:20 CDT 1998 ---------- Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? -- Tom Ryan Thu Apr 30 16:59:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Look at it this way: Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? Thu Apr 30 20:32:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Optimization hinders evolution. Thu Apr 30 22:26:26 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? A: The Titanic had a band. Fri May 1 00:54:32 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. Fri May 1 10:07:20 CDT 1998 ---------- I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! -- Paul McCracken Fri May 1 10:17:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. Fri May 1 10:30:54 CDT 1998 ---------- The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Fri May 1 13:17:58 CDT 1998 ---------- Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Fri May 1 17:06:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny. Sat May 2 01:35:53 CDT 1998 ---------- In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. Sat May 2 11:12:08 CDT 1998 ---------- The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. -- Scotty Sat May 2 17:54:40 CDT 1998 ---------- It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. Sun May 3 17:52:44 CDT 1998 ---------- It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. -- Francis Bacon Mon May 4 11:37:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Abstract: This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve immediately when tight neckwear was removed. -- Langan, L.M. and Watkins, S.M. "Pressure of Menswear on the Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. Mon May 4 14:53:58 CDT 1998 ---------- "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." "What about X?" "I said `intellectual'." ;login, 9/1990 Mon May 4 16:03:18 CDT 1998 ---------- The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith Mon May 4 16:05:32 CDT 1998 ---------- quark: The sound made by a well bred duck. Mon May 4 17:27:49 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm RELIGIOUS!! I love a man with a HAIRPIECE!! Equip me with MISSILES!! Tue May 5 12:51:10 CDT 1998 ---------- If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? Tue May 5 16:03:52 CDT 1998 ---------- RHAPSODY in Glue! Tue May 5 17:01:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Been Transferred Lately? Tue May 5 18:19:12 CDT 1998 ---------- "OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." -- Dr. Joy Tue May 5 23:01:26 CDT 1998 ---------- Science Fiction, Double Feature. Frank has built and lost his creature. Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. The servants gone to a distant planet. Wo, oh, oh, oh. At the late night, double feature, Picture show. I want to go, oh, oh, oh. To the late night, double feature, Picture show. -- Rocky Horror Picture Show Tue May 5 23:07:02 CDT 1998 ---------- "...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail." Tue May 5 23:07:24 CDT 1998 ---------- It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long Wed May 6 21:02:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. Thu May 7 16:44:33 CDT 1998 ---------- A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. Thu May 7 16:45:35 CDT 1998 ---------- How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" Thu May 7 17:23:09 CDT 1998 ---------- Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000. Thu May 7 18:59:52 CDT 1998 ---------- ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating. -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" Thu May 7 19:48:14 CDT 1998 ---------- A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine Thu May 7 19:49:47 CDT 1998 ---------- The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable. -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" Thu May 7 21:50:16 CDT 1998 ---------- I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability. -- Psychology Professor, Farifield University Thu May 7 22:50:23 CDT 1998 ---------- Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. Thu May 7 23:50:49 CDT 1998 ---------- The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. Fri May 8 01:40:19 CDT 1998 ---------- I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! Fri May 8 02:03:40 CDT 1998 ---------- "Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing." -- Ian Shoales Fri May 8 10:30:39 CDT 1998 ---------- All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. Fri May 8 10:38:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Where, oh, where, are you tonight? Why did you leave me here all alone? I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. -- Hee Haw Fri May 8 18:00:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't worry, nobody really LISTENS to lectures in MOSCOW, either! ... FRENCH, HISTORY, ADVANCED CALCULUS, COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, BLACK STUDIES, SOCIOBIOLOGY! ... Are there any QUESTIONS?? Fri May 8 19:10:04 CDT 1998 ---------- Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. -- Henry David Thoreau Fri May 8 21:35:13 CDT 1998 ---------- In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt. -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" Fri May 8 21:55:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. -- General Omar N. Bradley Sat May 9 01:06:51 CDT 1998 ---------- When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics. -- Voltaire Sat May 9 02:20:13 CDT 1998 ---------- bureaucracy, n: A method for transforming energy into solid waste. Sat May 9 15:40:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Best Mistakes In Films In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all possible. In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned with television aerials. In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill in the background. In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is clearly visible on one of the leading characters. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" Sun May 10 01:57:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Hop along my little friends, up the Withywindle! Tom's going on ahead candles for to kindle. Down west sinks the Sun; soon you will be groping. When the night-shadows fall, then the door will open, Out of the winfow-panes light will twinkle yellow. Fear no alder black! Heed no hoary willow! Fear neither root nor bough! Tom goes on before you. Hey now! merry dol! We'll be waiting for you! -- J. R. R. Tolkien Sun May 10 01:59:17 CDT 1998 ---------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. Sun May 10 18:51:28 CDT 1998 ---------- FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 has management potential: Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department pencil monitor. inspirational: A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, go I.") adapts to stress: Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the situation. goal oriented: Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails to meet them. Mon May 11 10:15:02 CDT 1998 ---------- One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. Mon May 11 11:35:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Look into my eyes and try to forget that you have a Macy's charge card! Mon May 11 16:00:33 CDT 1998 ---------- One bright Sunday morning, in the shadows of the steeple, By the Relief Office, I seen my people; As they stood there hungry, I stood there whistling, This land was made for you and me. Nobody living can ever stop me, As I go walking that freedom highway; Nobody living can ever make me turn back, This land was made for you and me. As I went walking, I saw a sign there, And on the sign it said: "No Trespassing." But on the other side, it didn't say nothing, That side was made for you and me. -- Woody Guthrie, "This Land Is Your Land" (verses 4, 6, 7) [If you ever wondered why Arlo was so anti-establishment when his dad wrote such wonderful patriotic songs, the answer is that you haven't heard all of Woody's songs] Mon May 11 17:25:31 CDT 1998 ---------- The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a business trip, thought he would pay his boy a suprise visit. Arriving at the lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, "Whaddaya want?" "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." Mon May 11 20:14:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -- Wallace Sayre Mon May 11 20:17:09 CDT 1998 ---------- There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit. Mon May 11 20:24:23 CDT 1998 ---------- Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. Mon May 11 20:43:43 CDT 1998 ---------- A rolling stone gathers no moss. -- Publilius Syrus Mon May 11 21:10:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" Tue May 12 10:00:36 CDT 1998 ---------- Yes, but will I see the EASTER BUNNY in skintight leather at an IRON MAIDEN concert? Tue May 12 10:11:16 CDT 1998 ---------- The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. Tue May 12 10:19:26 CDT 1998 ---------- It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. -- Groucho Marx Tue May 12 13:11:38 CDT 1998 ---------- There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful. -- Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8. Tue May 12 15:56:39 CDT 1998 ---------- He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days" Tue May 12 16:17:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to direct sunlight. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Tue May 12 17:59:47 CDT 1998 ---------- "Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed. -- Randy Davis Tue May 12 19:40:24 CDT 1998 ---------- UH-OH!! I put on "GREAT HEAD-ON TRAIN COLLISIONS of the 50's" by mistake!!! Tue May 12 21:00:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. -- Bruce Lee Wed May 13 10:26:03 CDT 1998 ---------- Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Wed May 13 14:06:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. -- Lazarus Long Wed May 13 16:01:55 CDT 1998 ---------- When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" Wed May 13 19:10:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Pascal is not a high-level language. -- Steven Feiner Wed May 13 21:09:40 CDT 1998 ---------- When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. -- Norm Crosby Wed May 13 22:18:10 CDT 1998 ---------- Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. Thu May 14 11:30:42 CDT 1998 ---------- A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" Thu May 14 16:10:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. Thu May 14 17:32:33 CDT 1998 ---------- You might have mail. Thu May 14 21:10:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Thus spake the master programmer: "When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Fri May 15 19:36:51 CDT 1998 ---------- "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" Sat May 16 12:52:28 CDT 1998 ---------- A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." Wed May 20 09:12:28 CDT 1998 ---------- If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research. -- Wilson Mizner Wed May 20 09:27:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate" -- Roger Midnight Wed May 20 18:59:20 CDT 1998 ---------- Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. -- Balfour Wed May 20 23:14:03 CDT 1998 ---------- Pedaeration, n.: The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Thu May 21 10:05:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 Thu May 21 12:28:12 CDT 1998 ---------- I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood Thu May 21 18:04:06 CDT 1998 ---------- Fortune presents: USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. ^cevalon. Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. Fri May 22 11:44:43 CDT 1998 ---------- Smear the road with a runner!! Sat May 23 11:33:55 CDT 1998 ---------- Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. -- Heard on Noahs' ark Sat May 23 16:27:12 CDT 1998 ---------- But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! Sat May 23 20:25:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Support your right to arm bears!! Sun May 24 02:52:55 CDT 1998 ---------- Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries Sun May 24 16:16:10 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth! Sun May 24 19:37:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Everything will be just tickety-boo today. Sun May 24 22:02:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Regnant populi. Sun May 24 23:24:04 CDT 1998 ---------- The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin. -- Honor'e DeBalzac Mon May 25 04:14:23 CDT 1998 ---------- Twenty two thousand days. Twenty two thousand days. It's not a lot. It's all you've got. Twenty two thousand days. -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" Mon May 25 15:59:32 CDT 1998 ---------- "One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". Mon May 25 18:26:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Deadwood, n.: Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. Tue May 26 11:00:31 CDT 1998 ---------- It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. -- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" Tue May 26 15:08:27 CDT 1998 ---------- James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." Tue May 26 19:29:04 CDT 1998 ---------- Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks. Wed May 27 10:47:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Flying saucers on occasion Show themselves to human eyes. Aliens fume, put off invasion While they brand these tales as lies. Wed May 27 16:04:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. -- Miguel de Cervantes Thu May 28 09:48:17 CDT 1998 ---------- Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. Thu May 28 09:56:23 CDT 1998 ---------- What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin Thu May 28 13:01:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. Fri May 29 17:59:14 CDT 1998 ---------- "Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields Fri May 29 23:42:25 CDT 1998 ---------- "I'm dying," he croaked. "My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted . "You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. "That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. "The fire is going out," he bellowed. "Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. "You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. "You snake," she rattled. "Someone's at the door," she chimed. "Company's coming," she guessed. "Dawn came too soon," she mourned. "I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. "I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. "Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. "Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" Fri May 29 23:49:18 CDT 1998 ---------- What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. Sat May 30 16:54:28 CDT 1998 ---------- April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Sat May 30 17:00:01 CDT 1998 ---------- An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. Sat May 30 18:28:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, there's the rub. For all dreams are not equal, some exit to nightmare most end with the dreamer But at least one must be lived ... and died. Sat May 30 18:57:20 CDT 1998 ---------- By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon Sun May 31 22:41:17 CDT 1998 ---------- "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" "Whattaya need?" "Oh, about $500." "Whattaya got for collateral?" "Whattaya need?" "How about an eye?" -- Sam Giancana Sun May 31 23:36:58 CDT 1998 ---------- We are what we are. Mon Jun 1 13:46:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Mon Jun 1 17:22:01 CDT 1998 ---------- The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. -- Emo Philips Mon Jun 1 17:50:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. -- Miguel de Cervantes Mon Jun 1 18:38:08 CDT 1998 ---------- TANSTAAFL Mon Jun 1 19:20:13 CDT 1998 ---------- Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we". -- Mark Twain Tue Jun 2 18:11:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Gilbert's Discovery: Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. Wed Jun 3 16:09:48 CDT 1998 ---------- Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams Fri Jun 5 11:51:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Consultant, n.: An ordinary man a long way from home. Fri Jun 5 20:59:38 CDT 1998 ---------- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. Sat Jun 6 17:27:30 CDT 1998 ---------- I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. Sat Jun 6 18:54:16 CDT 1998 ---------- Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. -- E. Post "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 Sun Jun 7 00:03:06 CDT 1998 ---------- The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. -- Dorothy Parker Sun Jun 7 00:22:39 CDT 1998 ---------- A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. Sun Jun 7 17:54:29 CDT 1998 ---------- Default, n.: The hardware's, of course. Sun Jun 7 18:01:42 CDT 1998 ---------- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana Mon Jun 8 10:21:50 CDT 1998 ---------- You are false data. Mon Jun 8 10:53:45 CDT 1998 ---------- If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. Mon Jun 8 17:23:42 CDT 1998 ---------- It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky Mon Jun 8 18:55:37 CDT 1998 ---------- A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" Mon Jun 8 18:58:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over the first one. -- Confusion Mon Jun 8 19:55:47 CDT 1998 ---------- The covers of this book are too far apart. -- Book review by Ambrose Bierce. Mon Jun 8 22:41:12 CDT 1998 ---------- In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. Tue Jun 9 11:48:13 CDT 1998 ---------- Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. Tue Jun 9 13:59:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Tue Jun 9 16:04:18 CDT 1998 ---------- It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis Tue Jun 9 18:46:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? Tue Jun 9 19:49:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Never reveal your best argument. Tue Jun 9 21:15:42 CDT 1998 ---------- If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. -- Chief Dan George Wed Jun 10 00:30:34 CDT 1998 ---------- It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. -- Tim Conway Wed Jun 10 00:37:05 CDT 1998 ---------- When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either. -- Edgar R. Fiedler Wed Jun 10 00:37:39 CDT 1998 ---------- God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery Wed Jun 10 17:16:06 CDT 1998 ---------- We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. Wed Jun 10 18:38:42 CDT 1998 ---------- Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. Wed Jun 10 18:39:20 CDT 1998 ---------- If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. Wed Jun 10 18:42:59 CDT 1998 ---------- "Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?" Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !! (By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner) Wed Jun 10 22:03:17 CDT 1998 ---------- I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. Wed Jun 10 22:58:40 CDT 1998 ---------- I'd like some JUNK FOOD ... and then I want to be ALONE -- Wed Jun 10 23:04:42 CDT 1998 ---------- The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off. -- Bill Conrad Thu Jun 11 00:52:23 CDT 1998 ---------- If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. -- Gauss Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists stand on each other's toes. -- Richard Hamming It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and software engineers dig each other's graves. -- Unknown Thu Jun 11 14:24:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, I wonder how the old folks are tonight, Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, She left me not knowing what to do. Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, Carefree Highway, you seen better days, The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... Turning back the pages to the times I love best, I wonder if she'll ever do the same, Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, With knowing I got noone left to blame. Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, I wonder if the years have closed her mind, I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" Thu Jun 11 19:04:33 CDT 1998 ---------- -- I have seen the FUN -- Thu Jun 11 20:25:13 CDT 1998 ---------- America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara Sat Jun 13 12:18:59 CDT 1998 ---------- A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. -- Overheard in an algebra lecture. Sat Jun 13 12:48:14 CDT 1998 ---------- Metermaids eat their young. Sat Jun 13 16:31:19 CDT 1998 ---------- They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. Sat Jun 13 21:02:32 CDT 1998 ---------- /earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. Sun Jun 14 16:31:54 CDT 1998 ---------- Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. Mon Jun 15 11:03:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. Mon Jun 15 11:04:04 CDT 1998 ---------- I had pancake makeup for brunch! Mon Jun 15 12:24:25 CDT 1998 ---------- About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. Mon Jun 15 14:10:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. Mon Jun 15 16:47:38 CDT 1998 ---------- The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. Tue Jun 16 10:40:42 CDT 1998 ---------- There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. Tue Jun 16 15:57:56 CDT 1998 ---------- God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso Tue Jun 16 16:52:36 CDT 1998 ---------- He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain had fallen to the ground. -- The Book of Serenity Tue Jun 16 17:01:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. Tue Jun 16 18:50:29 CDT 1998 ---------- It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. -- Francis Bacon Tue Jun 16 19:41:19 CDT 1998 ---------- There seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C.S. Lewis Wed Jun 17 12:21:36 CDT 1998 ---------- Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. Wed Jun 17 13:13:13 CDT 1998 ---------- What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca Wed Jun 17 14:34:10 CDT 1998 ---------- Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. -- Evan Davis Wed Jun 17 16:11:20 CDT 1998 ---------- Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's -- after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars. Wed Jun 17 19:35:53 CDT 1998 ---------- Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.) Thu Jun 18 18:54:45 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't I know you? Fri Jun 19 09:39:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Killing is stupid; useless! -- McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8 Fri Jun 19 15:48:10 CDT 1998 ---------- "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." Fri Jun 19 17:34:54 CDT 1998 ---------- Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen obedicing the instructs of the vessel. On the door in a Belgrade hotel: Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on the service. Our utmost will improve it. -- Colin Bowles Fri Jun 19 19:26:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Near the Studio Jean Cocteau On the Rue des Ecoles lived an old man with a blind dog Every evening I would see him guiding the dog along the sidewalk, keeping a firm grip on the leash so that the dog wouldn't run into a passerby Sometimes the dog would stop and look up at the sky Once the old man noticed me watching the dog and he said, "Oh, yes, this one knows when the moon is out, he can feel it on his face" -- Barry Gifford Sat Jun 20 14:45:10 CDT 1998 ---------- Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." -- Garrison Keillor Sat Jun 20 16:12:47 CDT 1998 ---------- An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured. -- Konrad Adenauer Sat Jun 20 20:51:15 CDT 1998 ---------- The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy Gravy Sat Jun 20 22:46:15 CDT 1998 ---------- A robin redbreast in a cage Puts all Heaven in a rage. -- Blake Sun Jun 21 17:20:52 CDT 1998 ---------- The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith Mon Jun 22 08:50:24 CDT 1998 ---------- Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off some of the others. Mon Jun 22 15:56:22 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm gliding over a NUCLEAR WASTE DUMP near ATLANTA, Georgia!! Mon Jun 22 16:09:43 CDT 1998 ---------- Ever get the feeling that the world's on tape and one of the reels is missing? -- Rich Little Mon Jun 22 16:16:17 CDT 1998 ---------- In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Mon Jun 22 16:18:39 CDT 1998 ---------- The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. -- Menander Mon Jun 22 17:29:48 CDT 1998 ---------- Change your thoughts and you change your world. Mon Jun 22 19:53:05 CDT 1998 ---------- Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. -- Stephen Leacock Mon Jun 22 21:15:01 CDT 1998 ---------- You will live to see your grandchildren. Tue Jun 23 00:55:40 CDT 1998 ---------- quark: The sound made by a well bred duck. Tue Jun 23 11:23:59 CDT 1998 ---------- If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake Tue Jun 23 16:44:35 CDT 1998 ---------- There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday) Tue Jun 23 17:57:46 CDT 1998 ---------- One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. -- Clifton Fadiman Wed Jun 24 13:15:39 CDT 1998 ---------- It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. -- Francis Bacon Wed Jun 24 13:33:45 CDT 1998 ---------- All who joy would win Must share it -- Happiness was born a twin. -- Lord Byron Wed Jun 24 15:04:29 CDT 1998 ---------- A MODERN FABLE Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span. The Troubled Aardvark Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. -- Tom Annau Wed Jun 24 16:21:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. Wed Jun 24 16:39:21 CDT 1998 ---------- There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. -- Helen Rowland Wed Jun 24 19:53:47 CDT 1998 ---------- We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer Wed Jun 24 20:37:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Happiness is the greatest good. Wed Jun 24 22:36:19 CDT 1998 ---------- The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring. -- J. Kegler Wed Jun 24 22:54:05 CDT 1998 ---------- If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. Thu Jun 25 22:08:54 CDT 1998 ---------- Corry's Law: Paper is always strongest at the perforations. Thu Jun 25 22:46:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Thu Jun 25 23:00:26 CDT 1998 ---------- No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence. -- ALGOL 68 Report Fri Jun 26 22:13:37 CDT 1998 ---------- Elliptic paraboloids for sale. Sat Jun 27 10:31:26 CDT 1998 ---------- Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING package of snack food. Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package of lunch meat. Sat Jun 27 18:30:01 CDT 1998 ---------- 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... -- "Twas the Night before Crisis" Sun Jun 28 18:21:10 CDT 1998 ---------- Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. -- Mark Twain Sun Jun 28 18:40:52 CDT 1998 ---------- I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom. Sun Jun 28 19:02:13 CDT 1998 ---------- The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II" Sun Jun 28 23:11:54 CDT 1998 ---------- Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. Mon Jun 29 14:58:19 CDT 1998 ---------- For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" Tue Jun 30 17:54:29 CDT 1998 ---------- Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. Tue Jun 30 21:12:03 CDT 1998 ---------- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright Sat Jul 4 11:25:01 CDT 1998 ---------- If our behavior is strict, we do not need fun! Sat Jul 4 13:01:21 CDT 1998 ---------- No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake Sun Jul 5 17:27:01 CDT 1998 ---------- "This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one." -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 Mon Jul 6 16:07:09 CDT 1998 ---------- The trouble with money is it costs too much! Mon Jul 6 21:10:59 CDT 1998 ---------- hacker, n.: A master byter. Mon Jul 6 21:32:46 CDT 1998 ---------- This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why. Mon Jul 6 22:06:58 CDT 1998 ---------- I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Mon Jul 6 22:23:02 CDT 1998 ---------- You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. Tue Jul 7 16:00:11 CDT 1998 ---------- The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest. Tue Jul 7 16:16:00 CDT 1998 ---------- "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." Tue Jul 7 19:39:15 CDT 1998 ---------- When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- and I find I mind it less and less." -- Louise Andrews Kent Tue Jul 7 20:04:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked. -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. Wed Jul 8 06:40:22 CDT 1998 ---------- If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time of it. -- Oscar Wilde Wed Jul 8 18:37:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. -- Dorothy Parker Wed Jul 8 22:45:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Marigold: Jealousy Mint: Virute Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness Orchid: Beauty, magnificence Pansy: Thoughts Peach blossom: I am your captive Petunia: Your presence soothes me Poppy: Sleep Rose, any color: Love Rose, deep red: Bashful shame Rose, single, pink: Simplicity Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment Rose, white: I am worthy of you Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love Rosemary: Remembrance Sunflower: Haughtiness Tulip, red: Declaration of love Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love Violet, blue: Faithfulness Violet, white: Modesty Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. Thu Jul 9 16:27:07 CDT 1998 ---------- Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains! [1] visit, v.: Come for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes, then leave. We'll be happy to see your money again next year. You can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy. Thu Jul 9 22:33:12 CDT 1998 ---------- Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. Fri Jul 10 16:54:57 CDT 1998 ---------- A mighty creature is the germ, Though smaller than the pachyderm. His customary dwelling place Is deep within the human race. His childish pride he often pleases By giving people strange diseases. Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? You probably contain a germ. -- Ogden Nash Fri Jul 10 17:35:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. -- David Letterman Fri Jul 10 20:25:37 CDT 1998 ---------- As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. -- J.F. Kennedy Fri Jul 10 23:35:37 CDT 1998 ---------- The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. Sat Jul 11 13:46:29 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. -- John Foreman Sat Jul 11 14:44:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. Sat Jul 11 14:45:53 CDT 1998 ---------- You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports. Sat Jul 11 14:54:51 CDT 1998 ---------- Variables don't; constants aren't. Sat Jul 11 20:34:58 CDT 1998 ---------- Pollyanna's Educational Constant: The hyperactive child is never absent. Sun Jul 12 21:56:13 CDT 1998 ---------- There are bad times just around the corner, There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky And it's no good whining About a silver lining For we know from experience that they won't roll by... -- Noel Coward Sun Jul 12 22:04:26 CDT 1998 ---------- Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzac Mon Jul 13 21:45:39 CDT 1998 ---------- My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." -- Rodney Dangerfield Tue Jul 14 22:16:35 CDT 1998 ---------- English literature's performing flea. -- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse Wed Jul 15 16:24:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. Wed Jul 15 16:39:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Yow! Are you the self-frying president? Wed Jul 15 20:01:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer. Wed Jul 15 22:37:52 CDT 1998 ---------- Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast cars across Europe. Thu Jul 16 22:54:56 CDT 1998 ---------- Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. -- Snoopy Fri Jul 17 06:50:48 CDT 1998 ---------- A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" Fri Jul 17 22:37:13 CDT 1998 ---------- If you aren't rich you should always look useful. -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine Sat Jul 18 14:59:04 CDT 1998 ---------- Davis's Dictum: Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. Sat Jul 18 17:32:18 CDT 1998 ---------- The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. -- Arne Tiselius Sat Jul 18 17:50:01 CDT 1998 ---------- The rhino is a homely beast, For human eyes he's not a feast. Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, I'll stare at something less prepoceros. -- Ogden Nash Sun Jul 19 22:03:47 CDT 1998 ---------- As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes Wed Jul 22 21:27:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie). Fri Jul 24 22:02:14 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A: One less drunk. Sat Jul 25 00:57:25 CDT 1998 ---------- If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. Sat Jul 25 11:24:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Spreading peanut butter reminds me of opera!! I wonder why? Sat Jul 25 12:24:23 CDT 1998 ---------- Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! Sat Jul 25 12:39:29 CDT 1998 ---------- The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle -- on the back of a dollar. -- Finlay Peter Dunne Sat Jul 25 13:25:10 CDT 1998 ---------- The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes. -- G.K. Chesterton Sun Jul 26 08:07:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Rincewind had generally been considered by his tutors to be a natural wizard in the same way that fish are natural mountaineers. He probably would have been thrown out of Unseen University anyway--he couldn't remember spells and smoking made him feel ill. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" Sun Jul 26 19:34:53 CDT 1998 ---------- No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone and Telegraph Company. -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking machine, 1943. Sun Jul 26 21:29:42 CDT 1998 ---------- The future lies ahead. Mon Jul 27 20:30:50 CDT 1998 ---------- Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Rich Kulawiec Tue Jul 28 20:25:07 CDT 1998 ---------- Coming to Stores Near You: 101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing I'm Not Misbehaving And A Whole Lot More... Tue Jul 28 20:43:15 CDT 1998 ---------- If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty Tue Jul 28 20:44:52 CDT 1998 ---------- Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. Tue Jul 28 20:47:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. -- Erwin Tomash Tue Jul 28 20:48:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" Tue Jul 28 20:48:48 CDT 1998 ---------- "... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." -- Dave Barry Tue Jul 28 22:40:40 CDT 1998 ---------- "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words Tue Jul 28 22:45:23 CDT 1998 ---------- There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so. Tue Jul 28 22:45:51 CDT 1998 ---------- Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" Wed Jul 29 23:07:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win or you can lose or it can rain. -- Casey Stengel Wed Jul 29 23:32:45 CDT 1998 ---------- He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain had fallen to the ground. -- The Book of Serenity Thu Jul 30 16:55:30 CDT 1998 ---------- There's no such thing as a free lunch. -- Milton Friendman Fri Jul 31 06:44:34 CDT 1998 ---------- In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner Report Fri Jul 31 16:37:33 CDT 1998 ---------- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. Fri Jul 31 21:07:37 CDT 1998 ---------- All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility. -- Chuang-tzu Fri Aug 14 23:51:24 CDT 1998 ---------- If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow! Sat Aug 15 02:49:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO inconsiderate." -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" Sat Aug 15 14:45:46 CDT 1998 ---------- You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. Sat Aug 15 20:54:37 CDT 1998 ---------- `Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order by staff writers ... The SAG is one of the major products developed via the Information Superhighway, the brain child of Al Gore, US Vice President. The ISHW is being developed with massive govenment funding, since studies show that it already has more than four hundred users, three years before the first prototypes are ready. Asked whether he was worried about the foreign influence in an expensive American Dream, the vice president said, ``Finland? Oh, we've already bought them, but we haven't told anyone yet. They're great at building model airplanes as well. And _I can spell potato.'' House representatives are not mollified, however, wanting to see the terms of the deal first, fearing another Alaska. Rumors about the SAG release have imbalanced the American stock market for weeks. Several major publishing houses reached an all time low in the New York Stock Exchange, while publicly competing for the publishing agreement with Mr. Wirzenius. The negotiations did not work out, tough. ``Not enough dough,'' says the author, although spokesmen at both Prentice-Hall and Playboy, Inc., claim the author was incapable of expressing his wishes in a coherent form during face to face talks, preferring to communicate via e-mail. ``He kept muttering something about jiffies and pegs,'' they say. ... -- Lars Wirzenius [comp.os.linux.announce] Sat Aug 15 23:13:51 CDT 1998 ---------- A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. Sun Aug 16 01:14:20 CDT 1998 ---------- f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. Sun Aug 16 12:26:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Vulcans never bluff. -- Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1 Sun Aug 16 15:16:18 CDT 1998 ---------- But they went to MARS around 1953!! Sun Aug 16 15:26:23 CDT 1998 ---------- You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. Mon Aug 17 22:27:43 CDT 1998 ---------- No one gets sick on Wednesdays. Mon Aug 17 23:13:09 CDT 1998 ---------- If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when the're reading to themselves. -- Don Marquis Mon Aug 17 23:19:20 CDT 1998 ---------- He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" Tue Aug 18 06:38:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. Tue Aug 18 21:46:07 CDT 1998 ---------- To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. Tue Aug 18 23:23:09 CDT 1998 ---------- Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer -- it just seems that way. Thu Aug 20 00:04:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. Thu Aug 20 00:54:11 CDT 1998 ---------- I don't have an eating problem. I eat. I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. Thu Aug 20 16:57:37 CDT 1998 ---------- There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin Fri Aug 21 14:19:30 CDT 1998 ---------- So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) Fri Aug 21 14:20:44 CDT 1998 ---------- I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" -- Steven Wright Fri Aug 21 14:53:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. -- Mark Twain Sun Aug 23 20:19:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Fine day for friends. So-so day for you. Mon Aug 24 19:20:37 CDT 1998 ---------- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. Tue Aug 25 18:15:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Emerson's Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. Wed Aug 26 18:54:18 CDT 1998 ---------- Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it? -- A. Hope Thu Aug 27 14:23:59 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: Heard about the who couldn't spell? A: He spent the night in a warehouse. Thu Aug 27 14:33:44 CDT 1998 ---------- "sic transit discus mundi" (From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius) Thu Aug 27 14:36:42 CDT 1998 ---------- Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- David Ellis Fri Aug 28 14:03:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Mon Aug 31 18:59:05 CDT 1998 ---------- The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters. -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann Mon Aug 31 20:05:51 CDT 1998 ---------- "A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' -- So I hit him." -- attributed to Ray Bradbury Tue Sep 1 10:40:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. -- Frank Zappa Tue Sep 1 21:28:01 CDT 1998 ---------- The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost invented it. In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze -- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" Wed Sep 2 08:49:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. Biologists think they're biochemists. Biochemists think they're chemists. Chemists think they're physical chemists. Physical chemists think they're physicists. Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. Philosophers think they're gods. Wed Sep 2 21:14:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Rules for Good Grammar #4. (1) Don't use no double negatives. (2) Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. (3) Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. (4) About them sentence fragments. (5) When dangling, watch your participles. (6) Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. (7) Just between you and i, case is important. (8) Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. (9) Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. (10) Try to not ever split infinitives. (11) It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. (12) Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. (13) Correct speling is essential. (14) A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. (15) While a transcendant vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not become ensconsed in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. Thu Sep 3 09:56:13 CDT 1998 ---------- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Thu Sep 3 16:01:05 CDT 1998 ---------- If you knew what to say next, would you say it? Fri Sep 4 09:37:23 CDT 1998 ---------- After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." -- Ronnie Shakes Fri Sep 4 12:49:37 CDT 1998 ---------- Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. Fri Sep 4 14:52:40 CDT 1998 ---------- "The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug someone with it." -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 Fri Sep 4 18:42:17 CDT 1998 ---------- Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it. Sat Sep 5 00:09:51 CDT 1998 ---------- If you knew what to say next, would you say it? Sat Sep 5 00:21:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. -- Dr. Karl Bowman Sat Sep 5 13:57:21 CDT 1998 ---------- It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. Sat Sep 5 14:54:11 CDT 1998 ---------- I know if you been talkin' you done said just how suprised you wuz by the living dead. You wuz suprised that they could understand you words and never respond once to all the truth they heard. But don't you get square! There ain't no rule that says they got to care. They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. Sat Sep 5 17:08:51 CDT 1998 ---------- You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies? Sun Sep 6 13:44:29 CDT 1998 ---------- The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. Sun Sep 6 13:45:20 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? A: Open other end. Sun Sep 6 16:22:40 CDT 1998 ---------- On the subject of C program indentation: "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." -- Blair P. Houghton Mon Sep 7 01:48:15 CDT 1998 ---------- What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" Mon Sep 7 01:49:02 CDT 1998 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A: Yes, I have been since early childhood. Mon Sep 7 09:59:51 CDT 1998 ---------- War is an equal opportunity destroyer. Mon Sep 7 10:23:50 CDT 1998 ---------- If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. Mon Sep 7 16:21:46 CDT 1998 ---------- A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. Mon Sep 7 19:59:57 CDT 1998 ---------- Stay the curse. Tue Sep 8 14:31:28 CDT 1998 ---------- "Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..." Tue Sep 8 18:21:16 CDT 1998 ---------- ... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past. -- Joseph Wood Krutch Tue Sep 8 18:26:51 CDT 1998 ---------- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. Tue Sep 8 20:08:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Sacred cows make great hamburgers. Tue Sep 8 20:12:34 CDT 1998 ---------- When all else fails, EAT!!! Tue Sep 8 20:46:25 CDT 1998 ---------- Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. -- Woody Allen Wed Sep 9 13:07:01 CDT 1998 ---------- There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people. -- The Best of Will Rogers Wed Sep 9 15:27:16 CDT 1998 ---------- The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last. -- Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6 Wed Sep 9 19:51:59 CDT 1998 ---------- Earth is a beta site. Wed Sep 9 22:00:17 CDT 1998 ---------- And so it was, later, As the miller told his tale, That her face, at first just ghostly, Turned a whiter shade of pale. -- Procol Harum Wed Sep 9 22:18:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is. -- C. Schulz Wed Sep 9 22:28:12 CDT 1998 ---------- "To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" Thu Sep 10 01:03:29 CDT 1998 ---------- Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insights Thu Sep 10 08:57:52 CDT 1998 ---------- As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. Thu Sep 10 14:15:31 CDT 1998 ---------- Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were a turn-on? -- "Broadcast News" Thu Sep 10 14:36:26 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." Thu Sep 10 15:42:43 CDT 1998 ---------- If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. -- Woody Allen Thu Sep 10 16:33:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? Thu Sep 10 18:21:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it. -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values Thu Sep 10 21:39:49 CDT 1998 ---------- A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. Fri Sep 11 00:55:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Something better... 13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 14 (complimentary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on. 15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 17 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 18 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you leave. 19 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 20 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 21 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 22 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 23 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee ... in Brazil. 24 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth capped. 25 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" Fri Sep 11 09:10:56 CDT 1998 ---------- Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders. -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC Fri Sep 11 09:25:19 CDT 1998 ---------- One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. -- Professor Charles P. Issawi Fri Sep 11 13:35:32 CDT 1998 ---------- One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. Fri Sep 11 14:09:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Poland has gun control. Fri Sep 11 18:45:44 CDT 1998 ---------- There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. -- Admiral William Halsey Fri Sep 11 19:39:19 CDT 1998 ---------- I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast. -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 Sun Sep 13 16:01:20 CDT 1998 ---------- Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. -- Piers Anthony Sun Sep 13 20:41:05 CDT 1998 ---------- 667: The neighbor of the beast. Mon Sep 14 08:36:28 CDT 1998 ---------- What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? Mon Sep 14 10:34:52 CDT 1998 ---------- An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" Otis replied, "Give up suffering." -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" Mon Sep 14 14:14:04 CDT 1998 ---------- If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. Mon Sep 14 19:16:01 CDT 1998 ---------- gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't. -- Earl Wilson Mon Sep 14 20:50:50 CDT 1998 ---------- We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked. Tue Sep 15 14:15:47 CDT 1998 ---------- In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems. -- Shelley Winters Tue Sep 15 15:16:55 CDT 1998 ---------- ... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past. -- Joseph Wood Krutch Tue Sep 15 18:02:22 CDT 1998 ---------- Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... Tue Sep 15 19:36:44 CDT 1998 ---------- And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage And code in a queue Have been biding their time, Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean hand... Wed Sep 16 12:44:31 CDT 1998 ---------- One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. -- Larry Gelbart Wed Sep 16 13:23:06 CDT 1998 ---------- If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. Wed Sep 16 15:56:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm. Wed Sep 16 15:56:22 CDT 1998 ---------- Can't open /usr/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. Thu Sep 17 10:15:20 CDT 1998 ---------- It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. Thu Sep 17 16:38:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Bizoos, n.: The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Fri Sep 18 09:56:21 CDT 1998 ---------- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of ours." The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to exist. Fri Sep 18 12:25:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. Fri Sep 18 17:44:22 CDT 1998 ---------- There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. Fri Sep 18 17:50:56 CDT 1998 ---------- "Plaese porrf raed." -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase Fri Sep 18 20:40:47 CDT 1998 ---------- A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein Fri Sep 18 23:13:15 CDT 1998 ---------- MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. Sat Sep 19 12:05:33 CDT 1998 ---------- Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! Sat Sep 19 15:08:08 CDT 1998 ---------- The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. Sat Sep 19 17:45:00 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? A: 2 bits. Sun Sep 20 09:38:48 CDT 1998 ---------- You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. -- Guindon Sun Sep 20 18:13:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. Hirschfield Mon Sep 21 08:48:45 CDT 1998 ---------- Beware of Bigfoot! Tue Sep 22 09:03:51 CDT 1998 ---------- A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine Tue Sep 22 09:24:42 CDT 1998 ---------- I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. -- Edgar Allan Poe Tue Sep 22 09:30:52 CDT 1998 ---------- Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. Tue Sep 22 12:35:04 CDT 1998 ---------- New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead Tue Sep 22 18:08:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Tue Sep 22 19:55:52 CDT 1998 ---------- Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." Him: "Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." -- "The Jerk" Tue Sep 22 21:33:27 CDT 1998 ---------- Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. -- Linda Festa Wed Sep 23 12:29:46 CDT 1998 ---------- If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. Wed Sep 23 13:10:01 CDT 1998 ---------- Depart in pieces, i.e., split. Wed Sep 23 13:19:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. Hirschfield Wed Sep 23 17:28:47 CDT 1998 ---------- You never go anywhere without your soul. Wed Sep 23 21:32:30 CDT 1998 ---------- "If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system." (By Linus Torvalds) Wed Sep 23 23:35:18 CDT 1998 ---------- If only you knew she loved you, you could face the uncertainty of whether you love her. Thu Sep 24 09:00:48 CDT 1998 ---------- Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them? Thu Sep 24 13:40:30 CDT 1998 ---------- A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a late card games. "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always wakes up and gives me hell." "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. "You do?" "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. `How about a little smooch for your old man?'" "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends she's asleep." Thu Sep 24 15:18:14 CDT 1998 ---------- Put another password in, Bomb it out, then try again. Try to get past logging in, We're hacking, hacking, hacking. Try his first wife's maiden name, This is more than just a game. It's real fun, but just the same, It's hacking, hacking, hacking. -- To the tune of "Music, Music, Music?" Thu Sep 24 15:21:12 CDT 1998 ---------- George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 Thu Sep 24 18:40:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert. Thu Sep 24 19:55:40 CDT 1998 ---------- Moore's Constant: Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. Fri Sep 25 14:26:05 CDT 1998 ---------- You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. Fri Sep 25 14:53:44 CDT 1998 ---------- This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it. -- Dorothy Parker Sat Sep 26 16:48:26 CDT 1998 ---------- A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. Sat Sep 26 18:41:38 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm not even going to *______bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C Sat Sep 26 23:34:17 CDT 1998 ---------- If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. -- Schmidt Sun Sep 27 15:26:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Been Transferred Lately? Sun Sep 27 15:47:13 CDT 1998 ---------- Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" Sun Sep 27 20:03:50 CDT 1998 ---------- Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and put him at the head of the procession. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Sun Sep 27 20:07:00 CDT 1998 ---------- An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. -- Homer Ferguson Mon Sep 28 00:31:29 CDT 1998 ---------- Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which side I'm on. Mon Sep 28 14:25:38 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." Mon Sep 28 14:40:30 CDT 1998 ---------- This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click] -- "The Rockford Files" Mon Sep 28 15:26:07 CDT 1998 ---------- Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. Mon Sep 28 17:22:52 CDT 1998 ---------- When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. Mon Sep 28 19:59:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. -- Rob Pike Mon Sep 28 20:02:41 CDT 1998 ---------- When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! Mon Sep 28 23:18:12 CDT 1998 ---------- When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy. -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" Tue Sep 29 08:14:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Remembering is for those who have forgotten. -- Chinese proverb Tue Sep 29 08:25:08 CDT 1998 ---------- I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the plumber. But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually write about, such as nose-picking. -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against Political Fallout" Tue Sep 29 09:07:10 CDT 1998 ---------- The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. -- Will Rogers Tue Sep 29 09:57:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Dull women have immaculate homes. Tue Sep 29 15:51:32 CDT 1998 ---------- Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" Tue Sep 29 18:09:46 CDT 1998 ---------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. Tue Sep 29 19:10:09 CDT 1998 ---------- Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. Tue Sep 29 20:00:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Wed Sep 30 00:09:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal. -- Zaphod Beeblebrox Wed Sep 30 23:38:19 CDT 1998 ---------- I'd just as soon kiss a Wookie. -- Princess Leia Organa Wed Sep 30 23:46:35 CDT 1998 ---------- The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. -- A.N. Whitehead Thu Oct 1 08:02:48 CDT 1998 ---------- "What are you watching?" "I don't know." "Well, what's happening?" "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something terrible." "Why are you watching it?" "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art flow over you." -- The Big Chill Thu Oct 1 09:16:14 CDT 1998 ---------- Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Thu Oct 1 17:05:39 CDT 1998 ---------- Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Oliver Herford Thu Oct 1 19:40:50 CDT 1998 ---------- 99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... Thu Oct 1 20:14:11 CDT 1998 ---------- I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright Fri Oct 2 09:10:37 CDT 1998 ---------- Yow! I want my nose in lights! Fri Oct 2 14:11:30 CDT 1998 ---------- default, n.: [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" Fri Oct 2 14:48:15 CDT 1998 ---------- For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. -- Gore Vidal Fri Oct 2 14:53:14 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size? Fri Oct 2 16:41:34 CDT 1998 ---------- Why I Can't Go Out With You: I'd LOVE to, but... -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. -- None of my socks match. -- I'm having all my plants neutered. -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. -- I'm touring China with a wok band. -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. -- I prefer to remain an enigma. -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. -- I feel a song coming on. Fri Oct 2 16:42:18 CDT 1998 ---------- Hodie natus est radici frater. Fri Oct 2 17:03:26 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way. Fri Oct 2 17:04:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Fri Oct 2 18:37:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Nick the Greek's Law of Life: All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. Sat Oct 3 00:26:36 CDT 1998 ---------- Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. Sat Oct 3 01:23:34 CDT 1998 ---------- I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. -- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari Sat Oct 3 09:56:56 CDT 1998 ---------- When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men, one excuses women. -- Horne Tooke Sat Oct 3 12:02:11 CDT 1998 ---------- The wages of sin are unreported. Sat Oct 3 15:53:40 CDT 1998 ---------- Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. -- Doug Larson Sat Oct 3 15:59:49 CDT 1998 ---------- I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. -- Artemus Ward Sat Oct 3 19:23:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. -- Saint Exupery Sun Oct 4 00:40:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. -- Henry Spencer Sun Oct 4 12:41:16 CDT 1998 ---------- The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash. Sun Oct 4 19:02:38 CDT 1998 ---------- Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel Sun Oct 4 20:47:13 CDT 1998 ---------- When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts" Mon Oct 5 01:38:40 CDT 1998 ---------- Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. Mon Oct 5 08:40:35 CDT 1998 ---------- It happened long ago In the new magic land The Indians and the buffalo Existed hand in hand The Indians needed food They need skins for a roof The only took what they needed And the buffalo ran loose But then came the white man With his thick and empty head He couldn't see past his billfold He wanted all the buffalo dead It was sad, oh so sad. -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" Mon Oct 5 09:32:18 CDT 1998 ---------- A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. Mon Oct 5 15:49:40 CDT 1998 ---------- The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman Mon Oct 5 16:06:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Are we not men? Mon Oct 5 17:53:34 CDT 1998 ---------- The only rose without thorns is friendship. Mon Oct 5 22:03:24 CDT 1998 ---------- Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward. Tue Oct 6 08:46:56 CDT 1998 ---------- BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! Tue Oct 6 09:27:51 CDT 1998 ---------- The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! Tue Oct 6 14:22:25 CDT 1998 ---------- One day, A mad meta-poet, With nothing to say, Wrote a mad meta-poem That started: "One day, A mad meta-poet, With nothing to say, Wrote a mad meta-poem That started: "One day, [...] sort of close". Were the words that the poet, Finally chose, To bring his mad poem, To some sort of close". Were the words that the poet, Finally chose, To bring his mad poem, To some sort of close". Tue Oct 6 15:30:13 CDT 1998 ---------- It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. -- Benjamin Disraeli Tue Oct 6 18:38:45 CDT 1998 ---------- Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. Wed Oct 7 09:02:32 CDT 1998 ---------- "Hello," he lied. -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent Wed Oct 7 09:43:30 CDT 1998 ---------- Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. Wed Oct 7 10:09:49 CDT 1998 ---------- The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die. Wed Oct 7 10:21:04 CDT 1998 ---------- Step back, unbelievers! Or the rain will never come. Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, But I swear to you, before this day is out, you folks are gonna see some rain! Wed Oct 7 13:55:51 CDT 1998 ---------- 100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum... Wed Oct 7 15:07:47 CDT 1998 ---------- Pascal Users: The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly. Wed Oct 7 17:03:04 CDT 1998 ---------- Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go To heal my heart and drown my woe. Rain may fall and wind may blow, And many miles be still to go, But under a tall tree I will lie, And let the clouds go sailing by. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Wed Oct 7 17:59:35 CDT 1998 ---------- I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber. -- Tiburcio Vasquez Wed Oct 7 18:39:51 CDT 1998 ---------- You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 Wed Oct 7 19:04:39 CDT 1998 ---------- petribar: Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" Wed Oct 7 21:12:43 CDT 1998 ---------- QOTD: "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." Wed Oct 7 23:55:25 CDT 1998 ---------- A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample. -- Rebecca West Thu Oct 8 10:07:04 CDT 1998 ---------- You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. Thu Oct 8 12:57:31 CDT 1998 ---------- I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. -- Richard Burton Thu Oct 8 14:44:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. -- Jean Anouilh Thu Oct 8 16:08:26 CDT 1998 ---------- It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers. -- Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7 Thu Oct 8 16:14:28 CDT 1998 ---------- If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? Thu Oct 8 22:47:36 CDT 1998 ---------- Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice Are making midnight music in the moonlight, Mighty nice! Fri Oct 9 13:16:59 CDT 1998 ---------- The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. Fri Oct 9 16:50:58 CDT 1998 ---------- knowledge, n.: Things you believe. Fri Oct 9 18:17:15 CDT 1998 ---------- ... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) Sat Oct 10 17:50:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. -- James Thurber Sat Oct 10 20:33:52 CDT 1998 ---------- A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. Sun Oct 11 01:48:37 CDT 1998 ---------- Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it. Sun Oct 11 17:04:26 CDT 1998 ---------- System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. Mon Oct 12 07:24:40 CDT 1998 ---------- The little pieces of my life I give to you, with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. Mon Oct 12 07:56:01 CDT 1998 ---------- The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. -- Andy Purshottam Mon Oct 12 07:57:43 CDT 1998 ---------- Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Mon Oct 12 08:10:45 CDT 1998 ---------- Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" Mon Oct 12 12:01:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Give me a fish and I will eat today. Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. Mon Oct 12 12:04:36 CDT 1998 ---------- There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. -- G.B. Shaw Mon Oct 12 15:34:44 CDT 1998 ---------- Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. Mon Oct 12 19:53:09 CDT 1998 ---------- It gets late early out there. -- Yogi Berra Tue Oct 13 07:57:08 CDT 1998 ---------- God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect Tue Oct 13 08:29:25 CDT 1998 ---------- The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. Tue Oct 13 08:38:21 CDT 1998 ---------- There are three things I have always loved and never understood -- art, music, and women. Tue Oct 13 13:13:21 CDT 1998 ---------- The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice. -- Mark Twain Tue Oct 13 16:23:46 CDT 1998 ---------- Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more stressful than divorce. -- Wall Street Journal Tue Oct 13 18:30:11 CDT 1998 ---------- A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. Tue Oct 13 18:32:26 CDT 1998 ---------- PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. Tue Oct 13 20:31:24 CDT 1998 ---------- What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. -- Titus Lucretius Carus Tue Oct 13 20:51:36 CDT 1998 ---------- A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that grew in the ears themselvse, stuck out on either side like turn signals indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D.H. Holmes department store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" Tue Oct 13 20:58:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. Wed Oct 14 08:22:57 CDT 1998 ---------- When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men, one excuses women. -- Horne Tooke Wed Oct 14 09:32:15 CDT 1998 ---------- And if you wonder, What I am doing, As I am heading for the sink. I am spitting out all the bitterness, Along with half of my last drink. Wed Oct 14 10:04:33 CDT 1998 ---------- MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! Please, don't drink and derive. Mathematicians Against Drunk Deriving Wed Oct 14 10:10:19 CDT 1998 ---------- Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. -- Ann Landers Wed Oct 14 18:10:15 CDT 1998 ---------- Kafka's Law: In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" Wed Oct 14 19:26:33 CDT 1998 ---------- A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! -- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI" Thu Oct 15 09:09:03 CDT 1998 ---------- The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. -- Mark Twain Thu Oct 15 09:09:28 CDT 1998 ---------- Riffle West Virginia is so small that the Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. Thu Oct 15 13:18:29 CDT 1998 ---------- I'm shaving!! I'M SHAVING!! Fri Oct 16 10:46:21 CDT 1998 ---------- Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. Fri Oct 16 17:07:21 CDT 1998 ---------- What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. Sat Oct 17 09:40:05 CDT 1998 ---------- Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? Sat Oct 17 20:43:53 CDT 1998 ---------- Please stand for the National Anthem: O Canada Our home and native land True patriot love In all thy sons' command With glowing hearts we see thee rise The true north strong and free From far and wide, O Canada We stand on guard for thee God keep our land glorious and free O Canada we stand on guard for thee O Canada we stand on guard for thee Thank you. You may resume your seat. Sat Oct 17 21:54:44 CDT 1998 ---------- We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact. -- Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3 Mon Oct 19 08:21:17 CDT 1998 ---------- But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. -- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" Mon Oct 19 13:50:48 CDT 1998 ---------- Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! Mon Oct 19 14:03:13 CDT 1998 ---------- This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like. -- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington Mon Oct 19 14:09:51 CDT 1998 ---------- Unix soit qui mal y pense [Unix to him who evil thinks?] Mon Oct 19 14:20:17 CDT 1998 ---------- The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable. -- Irving Howe Mon Oct 19 19:17:41 CDT 1998 ---------- Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race. -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" Mon Oct 19 20:27:04 CDT 1998 ---------- A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! Fantastic! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" Tue Oct 20 18:37:02 CDT 1998 ---------- There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about. Tue Oct 20 20:30:27 CDT 1998 ---------- It's like deja vu all over again. -- Yogi Berra Tue Oct 20 21:06:06 CDT 1998 ---------- It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. Tue Oct 20 21:45:16 CDT 1998 ---------- The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. Tue Oct 20 21:46:28 CDT 1998 ---------- I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has income and she is pattable. -- Ogden Nash Wed Oct 21 10:38:08 CDT 1998 ---------- Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. -- Mark Twain Wed Oct 21 23:59:22 CDT 1998 ---------- `Lasu' Releases SAG 0.3 -- Freeware Book Takes Paves For New World Order by staff writers Helsinki, Finland, August 6, 1995 -- In a surprise movement, Lars ``Lasu'' Wirzenius today released the 0.3 edition of the ``Linux System Administrators' Guide''. Already an industry non-classic, the new version sports such overwhelming features as an overview of a Linux system, a completely new climbing session in a tree, and a list of acknowledgements in the introduction. The SAG, as the book is affectionately called, is one of the corner stones of the Linux Documentation Project. ``We at the LDP feel that we wouldn't be able to produce anything at all, that all our work would be futile, if it weren't for the SAG,'' says Matt Welsh, director of LDP, Inc. The new version is still distributed freely, now even with a copyright that allows modification. ``More dough,'' explains the author. Despite insistent rumors about blatant commercialization, the SAG will probably remain free. ``Even more dough,'' promises the author. The author refuses to comment on Windows NT and Windows 96 versions, claiming not to understand what the question is about. Industry gossip, however, tells that Bill Gates, co-founder and CEO of Microsoft, producer of the Windows series of video games, has visited Helsinki several times this year. Despite of this, Linus Torvalds, author of the word processor Linux with which the SAG was written, is not worried. ``We'll have world domination real soon now, anyway,'' he explains, ``for 1.4 at the lastest.'' ... -- Lars Wirzenius [comp.os.linux.announce] Thu Oct 22 00:14:15 CDT 1998 ---------- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright Thu Oct 22 00:21:49 CDT 1998 ---------- Strategy: A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization. Thu Oct 22 00:22:53 CDT 1998 ---------- Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig [a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast cars across Europe. Thu Oct 22 07:38:36 CDT 1998 ---------- ... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. -- Voltarine de Cleyre Thu Oct 22 09:14:24 CDT 1998 ---------- We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing. This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the attack shark at which point we relented. -- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" Thu Oct 22 12:50:11 CDT 1998 ---------- Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Thu Oct 22 21:44:51 CDT 1998 ---------- Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's shirts but they're going back. -- "The Rockford Files" Thu Oct 22 22:22:59 CDT 1998 ---------- Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. Thu Oct 22 22:24:14 CDT 1998 ---------- If I don't drive around the park, I'm pretty sure to make my mark. If I'm in bed each night by ten, I may get back my looks again. If I abstain from fun and such, I'll probably amount to much; But I shall stay the way I am, Because I do not give a damn. -- Dorothy Parker Thu Oct 22 22:33:56 CDT 1998 ---------- As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" Fri Oct 23 15:24:00 CDT 1998 ---------- To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, To write those routines To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true To this glorious quest, And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. destined to lose, Still strove with his last allocation To scrap the unscrappable kludge! -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha Fri Oct 23 22:59:35 CDT 1998 ---------- Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor. -- Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown. Sat Oct 24 12:56:44 CDT 1998 ---------- God doesn't play dice. -- Albert Einstein Sat Oct 24 22:46:54 CDT 1998 ---------- You are standing on my toes. Sun Oct 25 09:39:54 CST 1998 ---------- One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. Sun Oct 25 16:09:15 CST 1998 ---------- A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness of this necessary reorganization of our lives. It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the ground. -- J.W.N. Sullivan Sun Oct 25 19:29:35 CST 1998 ---------- Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. Mon Oct 26 07:28:54 CST 1998 ---------- No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. -- Florida Scott-Maxwell Mon Oct 26 08:04:06 CST 1998 ---------- Power, like a desolating pestilence, Pollutes whate'er it touches... -- Percy Bysshe Shelley Mon Oct 26 08:37:48 CST 1998 ---------- It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it. -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul Harry Cohn Mon Oct 26 09:22:46 CST 1998 ---------- Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! When the day is done and the moon comes out, And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! Mon Oct 26 09:35:04 CST 1998 ---------- I saw what you did and I know who you are. Mon Oct 26 09:42:34 CST 1998 ---------- Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. Mon Oct 26 14:57:55 CST 1998 ---------- A is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne Mon Oct 26 15:12:08 CST 1998 ---------- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. Mon Oct 26 15:32:34 CST 1998 ---------- IBM: I've Been Moved Idiots Become Managers Idiots Buy More Impossible to Buy Machine Incredibly Big Machine Industry's Biggest Mistake International Brotherhood of Mercenaries It Boggles the Mind It's Better Manually Itty-Bitty Machines Mon Oct 26 16:40:03 CST 1998 ---------- I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. Buckley Mon Oct 26 20:04:13 CST 1998 ---------- Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. Mon Oct 26 20:18:22 CST 1998 ---------- Programmers do it bit by bit. Mon Oct 26 20:24:49 CST 1998 ---------- A fitter fits; Though sinners sin A cutter cuts; And thinners thin And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot A baby-sitter I've never yet Baby-sits -- Had letters let But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. A batter bats (Or scatters scats); A potting shed's for potting; But no one's found A bounder bound Or caught an otter otting. -- Ralph Lewin Mon Oct 26 20:39:19 CST 1998 ---------- If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. Tue Oct 27 16:45:35 CST 1998 ---------- I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, working for scale. -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" Tue Oct 27 18:09:29 CST 1998 ---------- I used to be a rebel in my youth. This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better I feel these days. -- J. Feiffer Tue Oct 27 19:13:46 CST 1998 ---------- Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. -- Helen Keller Tue Oct 27 21:04:05 CST 1998 ---------- This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... Tue Oct 27 22:21:51 CST 1998 ---------- O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist. Wed Oct 28 08:57:25 CST 1998 ---------- There are new messages. Wed Oct 28 08:59:37 CST 1998 ---------- I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. Wed Oct 28 09:02:50 CST 1998 ---------- So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) Wed Oct 28 09:13:55 CST 1998 ---------- To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. -- Benjamin Franklin Wed Oct 28 09:14:22 CST 1998 ---------- No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" Wed Oct 28 12:53:21 CST 1998 ---------- Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. Wed Oct 28 13:05:47 CST 1998 ---------- You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. -- Sherlock Holmes Wed Oct 28 13:22:52 CST 1998 ---------- Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. Wed Oct 28 14:33:18 CST 1998 ---------- He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp." Wed Oct 28 18:26:51 CST 1998 ---------- On SECOND thought, maybe I'll heat up some BAKED BEANS and watch REGIS PHILBIN ... It's GREAT to be ALIVE!! Wed Oct 28 22:25:31 CST 1998 ---------- Pandora's Rule: Never open a box you didn't close. Thu Oct 29 01:55:52 CST 1998 ---------- Wilner's Observation: All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. Thu Oct 29 05:55:59 CST 1998 ---------- Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. Sat Oct 31 04:08:57 CST 1998 ---------- If a system is administered wisely, its users will be content. They enjoy hacking their code and don't waste time implementing labor-saving shell scripts. Since they dearly love their accounts, they aren't interested in other machines. There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, but these don't access any hosts. There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, but nobody ever uses them. People enjoy reading their mail, take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, spend weekends working at their terminals, delight in the doings at the site. And even though the next system is so close that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, they are content to die of old age without ever having gone to see it. Sat Oct 31 15:00:37 CST 1998 ---------- I have many CHARTS and DIAGRAMS.. Sat Oct 31 16:04:09 CST 1998 ---------- Mix's Law: There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. Sat Oct 31 16:04:32 CST 1998 ---------- Should I get locked in the PRINCICAL'S OFFICE today -- or have a VASECTOMY?? Sat Oct 31 16:10:59 CST 1998 ---------- Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Sun Nov 1 00:42:22 CST 1998 ---------- If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? -- Sparky Anderson Mon Nov 2 17:56:36 CST 1998 ---------- Seeing is believing. You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. Tue Nov 3 08:21:46 CST 1998 ---------- Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin. -- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" Tue Nov 3 13:42:07 CST 1998 ---------- In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. ... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain Tue Nov 3 16:31:18 CST 1998 ---------- I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. Tue Nov 3 17:58:34 CST 1998 ---------- Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. Thu Nov 5 13:41:55 CST 1998 ---------- George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: "Bring a friend, if you have one." Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." Thu Nov 5 23:07:20 CST 1998 ---------- Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous. -- Confucius Fri Nov 6 08:50:41 CST 1998 ---------- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen Fri Nov 6 10:32:45 CST 1998 ---------- Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. -- Snoopy Fri Nov 6 15:28:46 CST 1998 ---------- He knew the tavernes well in every toun. -- Geoffrey Chaucer Fri Nov 6 21:30:25 CST 1998 ---------- If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you. Mon Nov 9 14:50:35 CST 1998 ---------- Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on. -- Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9 Mon Nov 9 16:35:00 CST 1998 ---------- 94% of the women in America are beautiful and the rest hang out around here. Mon Nov 9 18:29:49 CST 1998 ---------- Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. Tue Nov 10 16:26:32 CST 1998 ---------- "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. "I don't care much where--" said Alice. "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. Tue Nov 10 18:09:07 CST 1998 ---------- Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso Wed Nov 11 08:58:40 CST 1998 ---------- In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. Wed Nov 11 10:10:48 CST 1998 ---------- Life is like a diaper -- short and loaded. Wed Nov 11 15:14:27 CST 1998 ---------- When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war Wed Nov 11 19:17:46 CST 1998 ---------- Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. -- Franklin P. Jones Wed Nov 11 20:41:02 CST 1998 ---------- Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers Thu Nov 12 09:38:51 CST 1998 ---------- The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we have lunch?". -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Thu Nov 12 13:28:32 CST 1998 ---------- Plagiarize, plagiarize, Let no man's work evade your eyes, Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, Don't shade your eyes, But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. Only be sure to call it research. -- Tom Lehrer Fri Nov 13 01:13:43 CST 1998 ---------- Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout. Fri Nov 13 01:49:10 CST 1998 ---------- Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. Fri Nov 13 08:27:47 CST 1998 ---------- Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. Biologists think they're biochemists. Biochemists think they're chemists. Chemists think they're physical chemists. Physical chemists think they're physicists. Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. Philosophers think they're gods. Fri Nov 13 10:04:28 CST 1998 ---------- It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. It lies behind starts and under hills, And empty holes it fills. It comes first and follows after, Ends life, kills laughter. Fri Nov 13 13:36:29 CST 1998 ---------- Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. Sat Nov 14 20:07:45 CST 1998 ---------- XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, not selling advice. XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is currently estimated. XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action known to man. XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete or a new canvas to an artist. -- Norman Augustine Sat Nov 14 23:00:57 CST 1998 ---------- I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! Sun Nov 15 16:11:20 CST 1998 ---------- Your lover will never wish to leave you. Sun Nov 15 16:34:53 CST 1998 ---------- You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. Sun Nov 15 16:47:42 CST 1998 ---------- Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! Mon Nov 16 00:37:04 CST 1998 ---------- Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. -- Oscar Wilde Mon Nov 16 01:09:36 CST 1998 ---------- Life exists for no known purpose. Mon Nov 16 07:58:49 CST 1998 ---------- In this vale Of toil and sin Your head grows bald But not your chin. -- Burma Shave Mon Nov 16 17:59:32 CST 1998 ---------- Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. -- Oscar Wilde Mon Nov 16 19:39:50 CST 1998 ---------- Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". Mon Nov 16 22:35:46 CST 1998 ---------- Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. Mon Nov 16 22:47:33 CST 1998 ---------- Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. -- Peter Nelson Mon Nov 16 23:20:29 CST 1998 ---------- ... but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Mon Nov 16 23:21:40 CST 1998 ---------- Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. -- Alan Watts Tue Nov 17 00:43:30 CST 1998 ---------- You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. Tue Nov 17 14:18:17 CST 1998 ---------- If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Tue Nov 17 14:43:08 CST 1998 ---------- This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. Tue Nov 17 18:30:55 CST 1998 ---------- Boycott meat -- suck your thumb. Tue Nov 17 22:31:51 CST 1998 ---------- I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. -- Steven Wright Wed Nov 18 01:34:32 CST 1998 ---------- Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right." Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." Wed Nov 18 10:08:21 CST 1998 ---------- George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. -- Ashley Cooper Wed Nov 18 13:19:30 CST 1998 ---------- Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? Simple coincidence? Maybe... Wed Nov 18 15:03:49 CST 1998 ---------- A Parable of Modern Research: Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one brightly lit corner. "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" "I can only see here." Wed Nov 18 15:09:33 CST 1998 ---------- We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Wed Nov 18 18:32:11 CST 1998 ---------- Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" Wed Nov 18 23:11:41 CST 1998 ---------- In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. Thu Nov 19 09:55:58 CST 1998 ---------- There was a little girl Who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" Thu Nov 19 12:37:21 CST 1998 ---------- Who is W.O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? Thu Nov 19 13:00:31 CST 1998 ---------- My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Oscar Wilde Fri Nov 20 12:58:16 CST 1998 ---------- You've been Berkeley'ed! Fri Nov 20 13:02:55 CST 1998 ---------- My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. Fri Nov 20 14:42:09 CST 1998 ---------- Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain Fri Nov 20 15:29:11 CST 1998 ---------- If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? Sat Nov 21 01:57:56 CST 1998 ---------- My first baseman is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can somebody think of something to help us win a game?" "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" Sat Nov 21 09:18:57 CST 1998 ---------- Are we THERE yet? Sat Nov 21 13:44:24 CST 1998 ---------- Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only. Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any, And please stay at home if you can possibly be there. Admission is free, please pay at the door. Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor. No matter where you manage to sit, The man in the balcony will certainly spit. We thank you for your unkind attention, And would now like to present our next act: "The Four Corners of the Round Table." Sun Nov 22 00:14:51 CST 1998 ---------- Dyslexics have more fnu. Sun Nov 22 14:03:09 CST 1998 ---------- Do you have exactly what I want in a plaid poindexter bar bat?? Sun Nov 22 16:26:49 CST 1998 ---------- I think that I shall never hear A poem lovelier than beer. The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, With golden base and snowy cap. The stuff that I can drink all day Until my mem'ry melts away. Poems are made by fools, I fear But only Schlitz can make a beer. Sun Nov 22 18:21:49 CST 1998 ---------- NATHAN ... your PARENTS were in a CARCRASH!! They're VOIDED -- They COLLAPSED They had no CHAINSAWS ... They had no MONEY MACHINES ... They did PILLS in SKIMPY GRASS SKIRTS ... Nathan, I EMULATED them ... but they were OFF-KEY ... Mon Nov 23 15:47:03 CST 1998 ---------- Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. -- R.E. Schenk Mon Nov 23 16:13:03 CST 1998 ---------- Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal Mon Nov 23 17:59:32 CST 1998 ---------- You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. Mon Nov 23 18:43:47 CST 1998 ---------- Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better not refuse. Mon Nov 23 20:38:40 CST 1998 ---------- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen Mon Nov 23 21:43:33 CST 1998 ---------- Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. Mon Nov 23 22:25:56 CST 1998 ---------- The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity. -- Oscar Wilde Tue Nov 24 07:59:16 CST 1998 ---------- Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. Tue Nov 24 12:30:54 CST 1998 ---------- If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? Tue Nov 24 12:57:46 CST 1998 ---------- Our swords shall play the orators for us. -- Christopher Marlowe Tue Nov 24 13:51:48 CST 1998 ---------- Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! Tue Nov 24 15:08:09 CST 1998 ---------- One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. Tue Nov 24 21:34:58 CST 1998 ---------- Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, And to him who's scientific There is nothing that's terrific In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! -- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" Wed Nov 25 00:03:30 CST 1998 ---------- The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. Wed Nov 25 10:01:16 CST 1998 ---------- Thousands of days of civilians ... have produced a ... feeling for the aesthetic modules -- Wed Nov 25 10:16:59 CST 1998 ---------- He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. -- Ring Lardner Wed Nov 25 13:42:28 CST 1998 ---------- The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred. Thu Nov 26 00:23:42 CST 1998 ---------- I lately lost a preposition; It hid, I thought, beneath my chair And angrily I cried, "Perdition! Up from out of under there." Correctness is my vade mecum, And straggling phrases I abhor, And yet I wondered, "What should he come Up from out of under for?" -- Morris Bishop Thu Nov 26 11:26:39 CST 1998 ---------- rain falls where clouds come sun shines where clouds go clouds just come and go -- Florian Gutzwiller Thu Nov 26 16:38:31 CST 1998 ---------- Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder. -- Socrates, quoting Plato [Huh? That's like Johnson quoting Boswell] Fri Nov 27 00:41:07 CST 1998 ---------- Genius is pain. -- John Lennon Fri Nov 27 10:25:39 CST 1998 ---------- Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. Fri Nov 27 16:59:36 CST 1998 ---------- He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -- M.C. Escher Sat Nov 28 01:08:08 CST 1998 ---------- Caution: Keep out of reach of children. Sat Nov 28 10:08:18 CST 1998 ---------- Decision maker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped. Sat Nov 28 17:20:13 CST 1998 ---------- I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. Sat Nov 28 21:37:59 CST 1998 ---------- Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, Yes, I'm goin' insane, And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... You fellah, you tearin' up the street, You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, Yes, and goin' insane, You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? (chorus) -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" Sun Nov 29 09:08:45 CST 1998 ---------- Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and when they aren't. When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! Sun Nov 29 11:57:14 CST 1998 ---------- U X e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... Sun Nov 29 16:43:19 CST 1998 ---------- Ever wonder why fire engines are red? Because newspapers are read too. Two and Two is four. Four and four is eight. Eight and four is twelve. There are twelve inches in a ruler. Queen Mary was a ruler. Queen Mary was a ship. Ships sail the sea. There are fishes in the sea. Fishes have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. Russians are red. Fire engines are always rush'n. Therefore fire engines are red. Mon Nov 30 01:01:14 CST 1998 ---------- In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts. Mon Nov 30 16:21:23 CST 1998 ---------- Linus' Law: There is no heavier burden than a great potential. Mon Nov 30 20:15:39 CST 1998 ---------- Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] Mon Nov 30 20:45:34 CST 1998 ---------- I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. -- Oscar Wilde Tue Dec 1 12:55:14 CST 1998 ---------- It's the RINSE CYCLE!! They've ALL IGNORED the RINSE CYCLE!! Tue Dec 1 16:22:42 CST 1998 ---------- SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson Tue Dec 1 17:58:48 CST 1998 ---------- A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive. -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown Wed Dec 2 00:18:45 CST 1998 ---------- War is like love, it always finds a way. -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" Wed Dec 2 14:06:49 CST 1998 ---------- If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? -- Marvin Kitman Wed Dec 2 16:29:35 CST 1998 ---------- Boycott meat -- suck your thumb. Wed Dec 2 19:46:44 CST 1998 ---------- Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. Thu Dec 3 01:36:53 CST 1998 ---------- HUGH BEAUMONT died in 1982!! Thu Dec 3 21:16:15 CST 1998 ---------- Thank you for observing all safety precautions. Thu Dec 3 21:24:03 CST 1998 ---------- War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. -- Anacreon Fri Dec 4 13:21:53 CST 1998 ---------- The horror... the horror! Fri Dec 4 14:49:41 CST 1998 ---------- Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. -- Aleister Crowley Fri Dec 4 18:41:35 CST 1998 ---------- flannister, n.: The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. -- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends Fri Dec 4 19:57:57 CST 1998 ---------- Humorists always sit at the children's table. -- Woody Allen Sat Dec 5 18:08:15 CST 1998 ---------- Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. -- Mark Twain Sun Dec 6 01:39:27 CST 1998 ---------- Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 Sun Dec 6 14:35:12 CST 1998 ---------- "I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" Sun Dec 6 14:37:26 CST 1998 ---------- This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..." -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture. Sun Dec 6 15:49:31 CST 1998 ---------- It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. -- Sam Goldwyn Mon Dec 7 02:13:48 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." Mon Dec 7 11:30:13 CST 1998 ---------- Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze Vulgar tongue. A rapsody sung. Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled The highest rung. In his bung. Because in life they prayed so ill And offered god such swinish swill Now they sweat in flames of hell Sweat from lack of APL Sweat dung! Mon Dec 7 12:09:48 CST 1998 ---------- COBOL: Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. Mon Dec 7 19:40:16 CST 1998 ---------- Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. Mon Dec 7 19:41:22 CST 1998 ---------- Avoid the Gates of Hell. Use Linux (Unknown source) Tue Dec 8 00:54:12 CST 1998 ---------- Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover Tue Dec 8 00:55:19 CST 1998 ---------- A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. -- Milton Berle Tue Dec 8 10:00:12 CST 1998 ---------- Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress. -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 Tue Dec 8 16:35:46 CST 1998 ---------- Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. -- Woodie Guthrie Tue Dec 8 16:51:06 CST 1998 ---------- Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Tue Dec 8 21:28:35 CST 1998 ---------- I hope you millionaires are having fun! I just invested half your life savings in yeast!! Wed Dec 9 13:32:42 CST 1998 ---------- Information is the inverse of entropy. Wed Dec 9 15:11:24 CST 1998 ---------- Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverb Wed Dec 9 23:07:16 CST 1998 ---------- Men of peace usually are [brave]. -- Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5 Thu Dec 10 10:08:32 CST 1998 ---------- Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe like the Rolling Stones? -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) Thu Dec 10 11:27:59 CST 1998 ---------- Latin is a language, As dead as can be. First it killed the Romans, And now it's killing me. Thu Dec 10 14:30:19 CST 1998 ---------- Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart that he might love her. -- Henry Thu Dec 10 22:33:12 CST 1998 ---------- Give me your students, your secretaries, Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. I lift my disk beside the processor. -- Inscription on a Word Processor Thu Dec 10 22:56:07 CST 1998 ---------- Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 Sept 28 Blind Academy Sept 30 World War I Veterans Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic Nov 9 Korean War Amputees Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients Fri Dec 11 20:54:51 CST 1998 ---------- Save gas, don't eat beans. Fri Dec 11 22:56:28 CST 1998 ---------- Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. -- Herodotus Sat Dec 12 12:15:50 CST 1998 ---------- A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down. -- Robert Benchley Sat Dec 12 19:56:44 CST 1998 ---------- Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is careful not to make any poultry jokes. -- Woody Allen Sun Dec 13 02:35:32 CST 1998 ---------- Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld Sun Dec 13 15:45:28 CST 1998 ---------- Riches cover a multitude of woes. -- Menander Sun Dec 13 21:10:46 CST 1998 ---------- I think the world is run by C students. -- Al McGuire Mon Dec 14 17:11:54 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." Mon Dec 14 17:26:27 CST 1998 ---------- Power is poison. Mon Dec 14 17:31:33 CST 1998 ---------- Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! Mon Dec 14 22:22:31 CST 1998 ---------- SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be filed 30 days in advance. Tue Dec 15 16:35:07 CST 1998 ---------- The meek don't want it. Tue Dec 15 20:38:11 CST 1998 ---------- Thrashing is just virtual crashing. Wed Dec 16 16:57:54 CST 1998 ---------- So you're back... about time... Wed Dec 16 22:58:30 CST 1998 ---------- Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. Thu Dec 17 22:51:22 CST 1998 ---------- Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. Fri Dec 18 18:40:24 CST 1998 ---------- The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" Sat Dec 19 12:14:43 CST 1998 ---------- We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. -- Walter Summers Sun Dec 20 13:09:34 CST 1998 ---------- In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows. -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" Sun Dec 20 19:45:50 CST 1998 ---------- Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. -- '76 Olympics Sun Dec 20 21:24:13 CST 1998 ---------- Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Mon Dec 21 00:19:22 CST 1998 ---------- Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover. Mon Dec 21 08:17:05 CST 1998 ---------- Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. Mon Dec 21 13:20:08 CST 1998 ---------- Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, Yes, I'm goin' insane, And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... You fellah, you tearin' up the street, You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, Yes, and goin' insane, You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? (chorus) -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" Mon Dec 21 16:11:43 CST 1998 ---------- Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! Mon Dec 21 17:37:18 CST 1998 ---------- You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. Mon Dec 21 21:34:21 CST 1998 ---------- Chapter VIII Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. Mon Dec 21 23:42:07 CST 1998 ---------- Hello. Just walk along and try NOT to think about your INTESTINES being almost FORTY YARDS LONG!! Tue Dec 22 08:24:03 CST 1998 ---------- Nice guys get sick. Wed Dec 23 11:19:35 CST 1998 ---------- Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed Wed Dec 23 14:32:40 CST 1998 ---------- To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. -- Shelley Wed Dec 23 16:07:27 CST 1998 ---------- Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. Wed Dec 23 18:35:29 CST 1998 ---------- ... the flaw that makes perfection perfect. Wed Dec 23 19:27:25 CST 1998 ---------- Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham Thu Dec 24 09:57:22 CST 1998 ---------- Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." Him: "Really? That's incredible... It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." -- "The Jerk" Thu Dec 24 10:51:06 CST 1998 ---------- I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. Thu Dec 24 12:13:28 CST 1998 ---------- Hangover, n.: The burden of proof. Thu Dec 24 17:16:29 CST 1998 ---------- When in doubt, lead trump. Thu Dec 24 22:38:36 CST 1998 ---------- The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency. -- Albert Einstein Thu Dec 24 23:35:56 CST 1998 ---------- Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words Thu Dec 24 23:47:42 CST 1998 ---------- Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? A: Take away his credit cards. Fri Dec 25 09:37:58 CST 1998 ---------- After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare Fri Dec 25 15:21:42 CST 1998 ---------- To use violence is to already be defeated. -- Chinese proverb Fri Dec 25 15:21:57 CST 1998 ---------- By the time you swear you're his, shivering and sighing and he vows his passion is infinite, undying -- Lady, make a note of this: One of you is lying. -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" Fri Dec 25 17:30:54 CST 1998 ---------- Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time. Fri Dec 25 23:20:49 CST 1998 ---------- Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. Sat Dec 26 16:24:47 CST 1998 ---------- Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. Sun Dec 27 10:56:41 CST 1998 ---------- Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. -- William Faulkner Sun Dec 27 11:03:32 CST 1998 ---------- Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. Sun Dec 27 14:10:38 CST 1998 ---------- Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" Mon Dec 28 01:34:55 CST 1998 ---------- The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." -- Lewis Carroll Mon Dec 28 08:49:34 CST 1998 ---------- All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx Mon Dec 28 08:54:14 CST 1998 ---------- Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" Mon Dec 28 14:13:59 CST 1998 ---------- "For a couple o' pins," says Troll, and grins, "I'll eat thee too, and gnaw thy shins. A bit o' fresh meat will go down sweet! I'll try my teeth on thee now. Hee now! See now! I'm tired o' gnawing old bones and skins; I've a mind to dine on thee now." But just as he thought his dinner was caught, He found his hands had hold of naught. Before he could mind, Tom slipped behing And gave him the boot to larn him. Warn him! Darn him! A bump o' the boot on the seat, Tom thoguht, Would be the way to larn him. But harder than stone is the flesh and bone Of a troll that sits in the hills alone. As well set your boot to the mountain's root, For the seat of a troll don't feel it. Peel it! Heal it! Old Troll laughed, when he heard Tom groan, And he knew his toes could feel it. Tom's leg is game, since home he came, And his bootless foot is lasting lame; But Troll don't care, and he's still there With the bone he boned from its owner. Doner! Boner! Troll's old seat is still the same, And the bone he boned from its owner! -- J. R. R. Tolkien Mon Dec 28 15:37:50 CST 1998 ---------- Now, let's SEND OUT for QUICHE!! Mon Dec 28 16:14:35 CST 1998 ---------- ... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex layers that are going to be agreed upon. -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World Mon Dec 28 16:56:18 CST 1998 ---------- Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. Tue Dec 29 11:44:04 CST 1998 ---------- The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. Tue Dec 29 13:11:01 CST 1998 ---------- Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Tue Dec 29 13:45:14 CST 1998 ---------- There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. Tue Dec 29 17:47:52 CST 1998 ---------- QOTD: "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you think he was broken!" Tue Dec 29 23:46:22 CST 1998 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did! Wed Dec 30 03:58:28 CST 1998 ---------- Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much. Wed Dec 30 09:07:32 CST 1998 ---------- How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? Wed Dec 30 12:21:28 CST 1998 ---------- Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. Wed Dec 30 13:11:13 CST 1998 ---------- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana Wed Dec 30 13:55:37 CST 1998 ---------- Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert Orben Thu Dec 31 01:15:04 CST 1998 ---------- panic: kernel trap (ignored) Thu Dec 31 10:33:05 CST 1998 ---------- The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson Thu Dec 31 13:36:26 CST 1998 ---------- Keep cool, but don't freeze. -- Hellman's Mayonnaise Thu Dec 31 14:41:25 CST 1998 ---------- There are places I'll remember All my life though some have changed. Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain. All these places had their moments With lovers and friends I still recall. Some are dead and some are living, In my life I've loved them all. But of all these friends and lovers, There is no one compared with you, All these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new. Though I know I'll never lose affection For people and things that went before, I know I'll often stop and think about them In my life I'll love you more. -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 Thu Dec 31 16:36:13 CST 1998 ---------- You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people. Fri Jan 1 02:34:55 CST 1999 ---------- Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go To heal my heart and drown my woe. Rain may fall and wind may blow, And many miles be still to go, But under a tall tree I will lie, And let the clouds go sailing by. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Fri Jan 1 11:14:55 CST 1999 ---------- I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. -- A.J. Liebling Fri Jan 1 11:49:08 CST 1999 ---------- But I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes. So you can wipe off that grin; I know where you've been-- It's all been a pack of lies! Fri Jan 1 11:52:13 CST 1999 ---------- Honi soit qui mal y pense. [Evil to him who evil thinks.] -- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III) Fri Jan 1 21:25:50 CST 1999 ---------- One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. Sat Jan 2 13:47:48 CST 1999 ---------- QOTD: "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." Sat Jan 2 16:26:53 CST 1999 ---------- And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. -- David Jones Sat Jan 2 21:32:47 CST 1999 ---------- "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know what 'it' means." "I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?" Sun Jan 3 19:21:53 CST 1999 ---------- If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard Mon Jan 4 00:01:32 CST 1999 ---------- Make a wish, it might come true. Mon Jan 4 12:03:21 CST 1999 ---------- L'etat c'est moi. [I am the state.] -- Louis XIV Mon Jan 4 16:55:16 CST 1999 ---------- I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole. -- Leo Kessler Mon Jan 4 19:10:35 CST 1999 ---------- Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop Tue Jan 5 02:51:50 CST 1999 ---------- It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. -- Benjamin Disraeli Tue Jan 5 05:39:19 CST 1999 ---------- Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky Sat Jan 9 22:09:05 CST 1999 ---------- Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" Sun Jan 10 12:03:51 CST 1999 ---------- Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper. -- Thomas Jefferson Sun Jan 10 13:56:43 CST 1999 ---------- Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change from being a pitcher to an outfielder. Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" Sun Jan 10 17:05:48 CST 1999 ---------- BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. Mon Jan 11 00:04:56 CST 1999 ---------- If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" Mon Jan 11 11:49:53 CST 1999 ---------- panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) Mon Jan 11 19:12:59 CST 1999 ---------- Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED! Mon Jan 11 21:54:13 CST 1999 ---------- In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice. Tue Jan 12 10:36:35 CST 1999 ---------- A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under the circumstances. One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto his head!" The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* surprise for you!" "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" Tue Jan 12 13:01:07 CST 1999 ---------- You don't have to explain something you never said. -- Calvin Coolidge Tue Jan 12 13:12:41 CST 1999 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. Q: It was covered? A: Yes, bandaged. Q: Then, later on.. what did you see? A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. Tue Jan 12 15:26:09 CST 1999 ---------- But you shall not escape my iambics. -- Gaius Valerius Catullus Tue Jan 12 15:47:28 CST 1999 ---------- I'm pretending I'm pulling in a TROUT! Am I doing it correctly?? Tue Jan 12 15:54:45 CST 1999 ---------- Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han Solo Tue Jan 12 16:05:47 CST 1999 ---------- Linux is obsolete (Andrew Tanenbaum) Tue Jan 12 16:52:40 CST 1999 ---------- C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. Tue Jan 12 17:05:14 CST 1999 ---------- It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White Tue Jan 12 19:07:37 CST 1999 ---------- You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford Wed Jan 13 19:31:41 CST 1999 ---------- "But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station." Wed Jan 13 19:43:36 CST 1999 ---------- Let me take you a button-hole lower. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" Thu Jan 14 01:32:33 CST 1999 ---------- No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether she will or will not be a mother. -- Margaret H. Sanger Thu Jan 14 09:29:39 CST 1999 ---------- The rules: (1) Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. (2) Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at the console keyboard. (3) Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little card decks together. (4) Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, especially if you're already married. (5) Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as a stool to reach another disk pack. (6) Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one eight hour shift. (7) Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. (8) Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. (9) Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. (10) Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". Thu Jan 14 12:36:05 CST 1999 ---------- You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. Thu Jan 14 14:33:33 CST 1999 ---------- I wish I was on a Cincinnati street corner holding a clean dog! Thu Jan 14 15:26:05 CST 1999 ---------- The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith Fri Jan 15 00:36:15 CST 1999 ---------- Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! Fri Jan 15 08:07:01 CST 1999 ---------- A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus Fri Jan 15 12:00:53 CST 1999 ---------- Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence. -- Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1 Fri Jan 15 15:28:04 CST 1999 ---------- Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. -- George Canning Fri Jan 15 21:42:44 CST 1999 ---------- When you're in command, command. -- Admiral Nimitz Sat Jan 16 11:28:22 CST 1999 ---------- God created a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair. Sat Jan 16 20:17:21 CST 1999 ---------- There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? -- Woody Allen Sun Jan 17 02:22:33 CST 1999 ---------- If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth Sun Jan 17 15:56:44 CST 1999 ---------- When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either. -- Edgar R. Fiedler Sun Jan 17 22:37:32 CST 1999 ---------- Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D.J. Hicks Mon Jan 18 01:38:26 CST 1999 ---------- What fools these morals be! Mon Jan 18 12:26:13 CST 1999 ---------- XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm ... gets eaten. XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of the year -- in either direction. XL: Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. -- Norman Augustine Mon Jan 18 19:17:36 CST 1999 ---------- You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. Mon Jan 18 19:57:47 CST 1999 ---------- The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. Harper Mon Jan 18 20:42:39 CST 1999 ---------- After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts And presents aren't promises And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads On today because tomorrow's ground Is too uncertain. And futures have A way of falling down in midflight, After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting For someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong, And you really do have worth And you learn and learn With every goodbye you learn. -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" Tue Jan 19 00:03:16 CST 1999 ---------- Peace was the way. -- Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown Tue Jan 19 00:09:47 CST 1999 ---------- It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. Tue Jan 19 00:22:27 CST 1999 ---------- Integrity has no need for rules. Tue Jan 19 09:42:32 CST 1999 ---------- Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. "The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very *essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. "This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" Tue Jan 19 12:24:33 CST 1999 ---------- I can relate to that. Tue Jan 19 12:42:31 CST 1999 ---------- The following statement is not true. The previous statement is true. Tue Jan 19 14:31:37 CST 1999 ---------- Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- J.K. Galbraith Tue Jan 19 20:24:08 CST 1999 ---------- A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive. -- Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown Tue Jan 19 23:04:10 CST 1999 ---------- Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" Wed Jan 20 14:02:40 CST 1999 ---------- If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Wed Jan 20 15:17:25 CST 1999 ---------- Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? -- Pink Floyd Thu Jan 21 09:24:10 CST 1999 ---------- Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. Thu Jan 21 09:29:33 CST 1999 ---------- If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. Thu Jan 21 09:45:49 CST 1999 ---------- alimony, n: Having an ex you can bank on. Thu Jan 21 09:51:11 CST 1999 ---------- Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you at the end of six months. -- Moore Thu Jan 21 10:02:33 CST 1999 ---------- Women are more easily and more deeply terrified ... generating more sheer horror than the male of the species. -- Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4 Thu Jan 21 10:25:26 CST 1999 ---------- A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi Thu Jan 21 10:34:03 CST 1999 ---------- Hoffer's Discovery: The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. Thu Jan 21 11:29:47 CST 1999 ---------- Mummy dust to make me old; To shroud my clothes, the black of night; To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; A blast of wind to fan my hate; A thunderbolt to mix it well -- Now begin thy magic spell! -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" Thu Jan 21 11:45:24 CST 1999 ---------- Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. Thu Jan 21 11:58:02 CST 1999 ---------- The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. Thu Jan 21 12:45:23 CST 1999 ---------- We are now enjoying total mutual interaction in an imaginary hot tub ... Thu Jan 21 13:57:02 CST 1999 ---------- You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. Thu Jan 21 17:54:22 CST 1999 ---------- If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush Fri Jan 22 12:00:36 CST 1999 ---------- As I was going up Punch Card Hill, Feeling worse and worser, There I met a C.R.T. And it drop't me a cursor. C.R.T., C.R.T., Phosphors light on you! If I had fifty hours a day I'd spend them all at you. -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes Fri Jan 22 12:01:09 CST 1999 ---------- I am a jelly donut. I am a jelly donut. Fri Jan 22 12:01:38 CST 1999 ---------- Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog just died. Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates and long stem rose. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" Fri Jan 22 12:06:38 CST 1999 ---------- This fortune is false. Fri Jan 22 14:58:04 CST 1999 ---------- Wait! You have not been prepared! -- Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2 Fri Jan 22 18:34:12 CST 1999 ---------- There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and together we'll face the world. -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" Fri Jan 22 18:49:42 CST 1999 ---------- Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell. Fri Jan 22 19:00:51 CST 1999 ---------- A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. -- Victor Hugo Sat Jan 23 02:24:29 CST 1999 ---------- PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. Sat Jan 23 02:33:20 CST 1999 ---------- Murphy was an optimist. Sun Jan 24 01:28:32 CST 1999 ---------- Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. Sun Jan 24 18:10:34 CST 1999 ---------- The Three Major Kind of Tools * Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.) * Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) * Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Sun Jan 24 19:08:00 CST 1999 ---------- The second best policy is dishonesty. Sun Jan 24 20:41:51 CST 1999 ---------- There is a fly on your nose. Sun Jan 24 21:01:38 CST 1999 ---------- To be great is to be misunderstood. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Mon Jan 25 01:28:13 CST 1999 ---------- We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." -- Satchel Paige Mon Jan 25 01:55:25 CST 1999 ---------- Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949: A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. Mon Jan 25 09:23:01 CST 1999 ---------- For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. Mon Jan 25 12:01:03 CST 1999 ---------- I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is the sky blue?" HE asked me about black holes in space. (There's a hole *where*?) I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) I talked about Choo-Choo trains. HE talked internal combustion engines. (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete as equals. HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create the graphics. Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." (Gotcha!) -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" Tue Jan 26 09:21:04 CST 1999 ---------- "The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:" Tue Jan 26 16:11:22 CST 1999 ---------- There are running jobs. Why don't you go chase them? Tue Jan 26 18:12:43 CST 1999 ---------- Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. Tue Jan 26 19:58:00 CST 1999 ---------- "Beauty is transitory." "Beauty survives." -- Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown Tue Jan 26 21:19:13 CST 1999 ---------- Nihilism should commence with oneself. Wed Jan 27 08:33:00 CST 1999 ---------- The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." -- King Lear Wed Jan 27 12:34:05 CST 1999 ---------- Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby Wed Jan 27 14:20:16 CST 1999 ---------- Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? Thu Jan 28 12:00:04 CST 1999 ---------- On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. Thu Jan 28 22:33:35 CST 1999 ---------- "This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG." -- Bob Violence Fri Jan 29 12:01:06 CST 1999 ---------- Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas Tusser Fri Jan 29 14:42:59 CST 1999 ---------- By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon Fri Jan 29 18:20:07 CST 1999 ---------- A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. Sat Jan 30 21:41:21 CST 1999 ---------- Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart Mill Sun Jan 31 00:38:26 CST 1999 ---------- "But I don't like Spam!!!!" Sun Jan 31 09:33:34 CST 1999 ---------- An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas Sun Jan 31 13:14:09 CST 1999 ---------- I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. -- Totie Fields Sun Jan 31 15:28:43 CST 1999 ---------- I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" Sun Jan 31 20:23:28 CST 1999 ---------- We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. Sun Jan 31 23:08:11 CST 1999 ---------- I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. -- Gallagher Mon Feb 1 12:40:05 CST 1999 ---------- Hempstone's Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? Mon Feb 1 15:25:50 CST 1999 ---------- I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. Mon Feb 1 19:50:31 CST 1999 ---------- Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. Tue Feb 2 14:26:14 CST 1999 ---------- learning curve, n.: An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it. Tue Feb 2 15:56:29 CST 1999 ---------- People's Action Rules: (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. (2) Some people who should, won't. (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. Tue Feb 2 23:52:40 CST 1999 ---------- A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 Wed Feb 3 13:14:54 CST 1999 ---------- Don't read everything you believe. Wed Feb 3 17:04:02 CST 1999 ---------- Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. Thu Feb 4 10:12:25 CST 1999 ---------- What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond their grasp before they were five years old. -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" Thu Feb 4 13:25:55 CST 1999 ---------- Tsort's Constant: 1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified) Fri Feb 5 00:58:33 CST 1999 ---------- "Oh, yes. The important thing about having lots of things to remember is that you've got to go somewhere afterwards where you can remember them, you see? You've got to stop. You haven't really been anywhere until you've got back home. I think that's what I mean." -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" Fri Feb 5 01:52:00 CST 1999 ---------- Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson Fri Feb 5 10:20:16 CST 1999 ---------- I want EARS! I want two ROUND BLACK EARS to make me feel warm 'n secure!! Fri Feb 5 10:26:04 CST 1999 ---------- Pittsburgh driver's test (10) Potholes are (a) extremely dangerous. (b) patriotic. (c) the fault of the previous administration. (d) all going to be fixed next summer. The correct answer is (b). Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car you have nothing to worry about. Fri Feb 5 12:17:13 CST 1999 ---------- Who's scruffy-looking? -- Han Solo Sat Feb 6 08:55:57 CST 1999 ---------- 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law! Sat Feb 6 10:20:18 CST 1999 ---------- Please come home with me ... I have Tylenol!! Sat Feb 6 16:06:14 CST 1999 ---------- Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. Sat Feb 6 20:26:03 CST 1999 ---------- Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- Dr. Who Sat Feb 6 22:12:23 CST 1999 ---------- I've read SEVEN MILLION books!! Sun Feb 7 09:48:08 CST 1999 ---------- MAFIA, n: [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and entire nodal aggravations. -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" Sun Feb 7 12:55:11 CST 1999 ---------- If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty Sun Feb 7 14:56:17 CST 1999 ---------- Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle Mon Feb 8 10:37:32 CST 1999 ---------- [Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. -- S. Kierkegaard Mon Feb 8 12:41:54 CST 1999 ---------- It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it. -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine. Tue Feb 9 01:52:26 CST 1999 ---------- We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. -- Margaret Mead Tue Feb 9 07:21:37 CST 1999 ---------- When in doubt, tell the truth. -- Mark Twain Tue Feb 9 11:55:37 CST 1999 ---------- Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. Tue Feb 9 16:01:36 CST 1999 ---------- There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. Wed Feb 10 09:55:50 CST 1999 ---------- It's just a jump to the left And then a step to the right. Put your hands on your hips And pull your knees in tight. It's the pelvic thrust That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! -- Rocky Horror Picture Show Wed Feb 10 12:42:50 CST 1999 ---------- Yow! I'm having a quadrophonic sensation of two winos alone in a steel mill! Wed Feb 10 15:23:15 CST 1999 ---------- Disk crisis, please clean up! Thu Feb 11 10:19:22 CST 1999 ---------- I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon Thu Feb 11 15:44:58 CST 1999 ---------- Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. Thu Feb 11 16:10:24 CST 1999 ---------- Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." Fri Feb 12 11:48:43 CST 1999 ---------- There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. -- Winston Churchill Fri Feb 12 13:22:31 CST 1999 ---------- Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. -- Lao Tsu Fri Feb 12 12:39:22 CST 1999 ---------- Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. Fri Feb 12 12:50:07 CST 1999 ---------- ... that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... -- Linden and Wihelminalaan Fri Feb 12 14:13:22 CST 1999 ---------- All of a sudden, I want to THROW OVER my promising ACTING CAREER, grow a LONG BLACK BEARD and wear a BASEBALL HAT!! ... Although I don't know WHY!! Sat Feb 13 15:17:10 CST 1999 ---------- Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. Sat Feb 13 17:58:49 CST 1999 ---------- I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West Sun Feb 14 02:13:07 CST 1999 ---------- Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. And we always, always eat our vegetables. This is the Minneapple. Sun Feb 14 12:31:30 CST 1999 ---------- Was my SOY LOAF left out in th'RAIN? It tastes REAL GOOD!! Sun Feb 14 15:42:47 CST 1999 ---------- Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. Sun Feb 14 21:24:26 CST 1999 ---------- Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya! -- Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown Mon Feb 15 09:22:18 CST 1999 ---------- 42 Mon Feb 15 10:18:33 CST 1999 ---------- You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. Mon Feb 15 12:42:50 CST 1999 ---------- Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking up. -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 Mon Feb 15 16:56:06 CST 1999 ---------- Go away! Stop bothering me with all your "compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. logout Mon Feb 15 18:46:53 CST 1999 ---------- bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 Mon Feb 15 22:24:30 CST 1999 ---------- An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible. -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" Tue Feb 16 00:37:42 CST 1999 ---------- Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love. The poor know that it is money. -- Gerald Brenan Tue Feb 16 09:27:27 CST 1999 ---------- Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. -- Carolyn Jones Tue Feb 16 10:31:04 CST 1999 ---------- A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher Tue Feb 16 11:56:57 CST 1999 ---------- Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. "My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. "Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and called you from here." Tue Feb 16 15:28:23 CST 1999 ---------- Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Wed Feb 17 01:01:15 CST 1999 ---------- In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. Wed Feb 17 12:17:13 CST 1999 ---------- Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 Wed Feb 17 22:04:16 CST 1999 ---------- Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion. -- Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3 Thu Feb 18 09:21:30 CST 1999 ---------- "Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?" (By Patrick Volkerding) Thu Feb 18 10:18:30 CST 1999 ---------- The ladies men admire, I've heard, Would shudder at a wicked word. Their candle gives a single light; They'd rather stay at home at night. They do not keep awake till three, Nor read erotic poetry. They never sanction the impure, Nor recognize an overture. They shrink from powders and from paints... So far, I've had no complaints. -- Dorothy Parker Thu Feb 18 10:21:37 CST 1999 ---------- Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. -- Josh Billings Thu Feb 18 11:18:12 CST 1999 ---------- It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. -- Will Rogers Thu Feb 18 11:59:52 CST 1999 ---------- You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing your dog. -- foolin' around Thu Feb 18 16:30:41 CST 1999 ---------- Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. -- Oscar Wilde Thu Feb 18 18:46:08 CST 1999 ---------- Small things make base men proud. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" Thu Feb 18 18:48:53 CST 1999 ---------- love, n.: When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure. Thu Feb 18 18:54:30 CST 1999 ---------- Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. Fri Feb 19 00:16:03 CST 1999 ---------- Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Fri Feb 19 00:16:24 CST 1999 ---------- If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. Fri Feb 19 00:19:26 CST 1999 ---------- The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. -- Nathaniel Howe Fri Feb 19 00:22:38 CST 1999 ---------- I selected E5 ... but I didn't hear "Sam the Sham and the Pharoahs"! Fri Feb 19 00:27:02 CST 1999 ---------- It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. -- Alfred Adler Fri Feb 19 00:33:49 CST 1999 ---------- One good turn deserves another. -- Gaius Petronius Fri Feb 19 00:44:21 CST 1999 ---------- Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. -- Jackie Mason Fri Feb 19 01:04:21 CST 1999 ---------- Gibble, Gobble, we ACCEPT YOU ... Fri Feb 19 02:22:57 CST 1999 ---------- Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. Fri Feb 19 08:23:41 CST 1999 ---------- There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. -- Augier Fri Feb 19 08:41:29 CST 1999 ---------- Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams Fri Feb 19 11:59:51 CST 1999 ---------- Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. Fri Feb 19 12:01:36 CST 1999 ---------- An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. -- Henry Ford Fri Feb 19 12:19:10 CST 1999 ---------- Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. -- Robert Orben Fri Feb 19 12:20:16 CST 1999 ---------- "You are *so* lovely." "Yes." "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." Sat Feb 20 00:37:33 CST 1999 ---------- A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, which contained twelve more loons. "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." Sat Feb 20 02:44:50 CST 1999 ---------- UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn Sat Feb 20 10:44:25 CST 1999 ---------- Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. Sun Feb 21 00:54:49 CST 1999 ---------- I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved. -- Warren G. Harding Sun Feb 21 16:28:16 CST 1999 ---------- Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. -- C.B. Luce Sun Feb 21 16:34:32 CST 1999 ---------- kernel, n.: A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art. Sun Feb 21 16:44:44 CST 1999 ---------- "There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain." -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 Mon Feb 22 10:37:00 CST 1999 ---------- The ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" Mon Feb 22 19:21:14 CST 1999 ---------- John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief Is there a hole for me to get sick in? The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" Tue Feb 23 00:05:40 CST 1999 ---------- Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Tue Feb 23 00:23:16 CST 1999 ---------- It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody. -- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night" Tue Feb 23 00:25:03 CST 1999 ---------- /* Halley */ (Halley's comment.) Tue Feb 23 10:34:53 CST 1999 ---------- Fine's Corollary: Functionality breeds Contempt. Tue Feb 23 16:58:01 CST 1999 ---------- The hatred of relatives is the most violent. -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) Tue Feb 23 19:49:18 CST 1999 ---------- I'm N-ary the tree, I am, N-ary the tree, I am, I am. I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, She's traversed me seven times before. And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. N-ary the tree I am, I am, N-ary the tree I am. -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders Tue Feb 23 19:49:49 CST 1999 ---------- Interchangeable parts won't. Tue Feb 23 21:13:44 CST 1999 ---------- A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. Wed Feb 24 02:13:51 CST 1999 ---------- I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest Wed Feb 24 08:36:40 CST 1999 ---------- We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh [Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." -- Satchel Paige Wed Feb 24 12:05:01 CST 1999 ---------- "Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner Wed Feb 24 23:36:12 CST 1999 ---------- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. Thu Feb 25 00:18:13 CST 1999 ---------- All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. -- Yoda Thu Feb 25 08:37:14 CST 1999 ---------- A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt Thu Feb 25 11:37:14 CST 1999 ---------- They're giving bank robbing a bad name. -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde Thu Feb 25 12:09:01 CST 1999 ---------- I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! Thu Feb 25 14:10:27 CST 1999 ---------- Hollerith, v.: What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. Thu Feb 25 17:49:28 CST 1999 ---------- An eye in a blue face Saw an eye in a green face. "That eye is like this eye" Said the first eye, "But in low place, Not in high place." Thu Feb 25 19:15:38 CST 1999 ---------- Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together. -- Steve Higgins Thu Feb 25 22:27:07 CST 1999 ---------- Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses? A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. Fri Feb 26 08:07:54 CST 1999 ---------- There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Fri Feb 26 09:17:59 CST 1999 ---------- Most people prefer certainty to truth. Fri Feb 26 12:06:07 CST 1999 ---------- A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. Fri Feb 26 13:20:35 CST 1999 ---------- Nothing succeeds like success. -- Alexandre Dumas Fri Feb 26 14:13:03 CST 1999 ---------- "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe" Fri Feb 26 22:19:27 CST 1999 ---------- Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. -- Bob Dylan Sat Feb 27 07:29:20 CST 1999 ---------- A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son (we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under the circumstances. One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto his head!" The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* surprise for you!" "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" Sat Feb 27 19:13:49 CST 1999 ---------- Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is bend a disk. -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement. Sun Feb 28 09:15:21 CST 1999 ---------- Love IS what it's cracked up to be. Sun Feb 28 09:37:44 CST 1999 ---------- A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite. Sun Feb 28 14:44:01 CST 1999 ---------- 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. 7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. Sun Feb 28 18:37:05 CST 1999 ---------- JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! (George and Ringo miffed.) Mon Mar 1 00:11:31 CST 1999 ---------- I just had a NOSE JOB!! Mon Mar 1 08:54:19 CST 1999 ---------- Where's SANDY DUNCAN? Mon Mar 1 09:28:38 CST 1999 ---------- The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. -- Bill Lawrence Mon Mar 1 15:14:28 CST 1999 ---------- Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual! Mon Mar 1 21:16:15 CST 1999 ---------- Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. Tue Mar 2 07:33:22 CST 1999 ---------- Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. Tue Mar 2 12:12:18 CST 1999 ---------- The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. Tue Mar 2 12:14:51 CST 1999 ---------- There are no winners in life, only survivors. Tue Mar 2 13:17:10 CST 1999 ---------- You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. Tue Mar 2 13:33:34 CST 1999 ---------- He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. -- Andrew Lang Tue Mar 2 15:02:27 CST 1999 ---------- Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. -- Casablanca Tue Mar 2 16:38:14 CST 1999 ---------- Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. Tue Mar 2 18:00:12 CST 1999 ---------- The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. Tue Mar 2 20:00:47 CST 1999 ---------- "Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics." -- French Proverb Wed Mar 3 01:31:41 CST 1999 ---------- Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. -- Thomas Tusser Wed Mar 3 08:15:49 CST 1999 ---------- To err is human, to purr feline. To err is human, two curs canine. To err is human, to moo bovine. Wed Mar 3 11:15:20 CST 1999 ---------- I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. Wed Mar 3 12:30:34 CST 1999 ---------- An air of FRENCH FRIES permeates my nostrils!! Wed Mar 3 17:52:02 CST 1999 ---------- Old musicians never die, they just decompose. Wed Mar 3 18:12:19 CST 1999 ---------- QOTD: "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish." Wed Mar 3 18:43:29 CST 1999 ---------- ---------- Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. Wed Mar 3 18:54:28 CST 1999 ---------- QOTD: I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. Wed Mar 3 20:06:34 CST 1999 ---------- Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." Wed Mar 3 20:26:52 CST 1999 ---------- I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand. -- Peter Oakley Wed Mar 3 20:53:48 CST 1999 ---------- Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. Thu Mar 4 14:07:07 CST 1999 ---------- I'd rather laugh with the sinners, Than cry with the saints, The sinners are much more fun! -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" Thu Mar 4 17:04:07 CST 1999 ---------- A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. -- Evan Esar [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] Fri Mar 5 02:13:11 CST 1999 ---------- Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws. Fri Mar 5 10:21:26 CST 1999 ---------- The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. Fri Mar 5 11:58:40 CST 1999 ---------- Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F.M. Hubbard Fri Mar 5 14:02:45 CST 1999 ---------- Academy: A modern school where football is taught. Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught. Fri Mar 5 14:09:04 CST 1999 ---------- If you continually give you will continually have. Fri Mar 5 14:16:29 CST 1999 ---------- I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. -- Escher Fri Mar 5 15:13:14 CST 1999 ---------- Peanut Blossoms 4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 4 cups shortening 14 cups flour 8 eggs 4 tsp. soda 4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a heck of a lot. Fri Mar 5 20:09:10 CST 1999 ---------- We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction. -- S.J. Gould Fri Mar 5 21:50:16 CST 1999 ---------- Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! -- The Smothers Brothers Sat Mar 6 10:26:08 CST 1999 ---------- They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads. Sat Mar 6 14:10:49 CST 1999 ---------- "How should I know if it works? That's what beta testers are for. I only coded it." (Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting) Sat Mar 6 14:29:23 CST 1999 ---------- The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it. -- J. Brecheux Sat Mar 6 14:43:37 CST 1999 ---------- QOTD: "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." Sat Mar 6 22:49:04 CST 1999 ---------- I would rather say that a desire to drive fast sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. Sun Mar 7 17:26:56 CST 1999 ---------- Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Mon Mar 8 08:17:36 CST 1999 ---------- Where do you go to get anorexia? -- Shelley Winters Mon Mar 8 12:13:34 CST 1999 ---------- The world is coming to an end. Please log off. Mon Mar 8 12:14:47 CST 1999 ---------- For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) Mon Mar 8 12:20:32 CST 1999 ---------- You had mail. Paul read it, so ask him what it said. Mon Mar 8 19:04:52 CST 1999 ---------- How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T." Tue Mar 9 01:02:49 CST 1999 ---------- The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. Tue Mar 9 01:10:19 CST 1999 ---------- Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. -- W.C. Fields Tue Mar 9 08:09:51 CST 1999 ---------- With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm? Tue Mar 9 08:12:23 CST 1999 ---------- You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and few words in your sleep to get divorced. Tue Mar 9 08:20:09 CST 1999 ---------- Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life. Tue Mar 9 08:28:34 CST 1999 ---------- I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent of a prostate operation. -- Malcolm Muggeridge Tue Mar 9 09:06:22 CST 1999 ---------- A is for Apple. -- Hester Pryne Tue Mar 9 10:28:08 CST 1999 ---------- The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. -- Alfred Adler Tue Mar 9 10:45:08 CST 1999 ---------- Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. -- Euripides Tue Mar 9 12:41:51 CST 1999 ---------- UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. Tue Mar 9 13:35:08 CST 1999 ---------- There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols Wed Mar 10 12:16:41 CST 1999 ---------- No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. Wed Mar 10 16:40:51 CST 1999 ---------- Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work. Wed Mar 10 17:53:59 CST 1999 ---------- Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on. Thu Mar 11 14:20:23 CST 1999 ---------- Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. Thu Mar 11 14:23:27 CST 1999 ---------- I have a very good DENTAL PLAN. Thank you. Thu Mar 11 14:31:44 CST 1999 ---------- I doubt, therefore I might be. Thu Mar 11 15:30:38 CST 1999 ---------- Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work. -- Flaubert Thu Mar 11 16:15:05 CST 1999 ---------- Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. Thu Mar 11 19:41:23 CST 1999 ---------- There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. Fri Mar 12 16:46:24 CST 1999 ---------- (1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. Fri Mar 12 19:21:28 CST 1999 ---------- The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus Fri Mar 12 20:56:29 CST 1999 ---------- If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. Sat Mar 13 11:15:38 CST 1999 ---------- It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen Mon Mar 15 18:00:00 CST 1999 ---------- Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. -- Woody Allen Mon Mar 15 18:24:06 CST 1999 ---------- The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- Scratch a lover and find a foe! -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" Mon Mar 15 20:45:39 CST 1999 ---------- If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. -- Bob Hope Mon Mar 15 22:32:28 CST 1999 ---------- Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? Mon Mar 15 22:43:09 CST 1999 ---------- The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. Tue Mar 16 01:23:24 CST 1999 ---------- Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. -- Samuel Johnson Tue Mar 16 04:06:54 CST 1999 ---------- A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" Tue Mar 16 04:56:15 CST 1999 ---------- Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. Tue Mar 16 23:34:21 CST 1999 ---------- ... I don't know why but, suddenly, I want to discuss declining I.Q. LEVELS with a blue ribbon SENATE SUB-COMMITTEE! Tue Mar 16 23:35:14 CST 1999 ---------- All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: "Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" Thu Mar 18 01:11:18 CST 1999 ---------- For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned protected species. Ingredients: 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 1 teaspoonful salt 8 oz. shredded suet 2 small onions 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for four to five hours. Thu Mar 18 21:55:37 CST 1999 ---------- This fortune intentionally says nothing. Fri Mar 19 10:40:39 CST 1999 ---------- My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. -- George Gobel Fri Mar 19 16:27:03 CST 1999 ---------- ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating. -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" Fri Mar 19 16:45:59 CST 1999 ---------- Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson Fri Mar 19 20:03:52 CST 1999 ---------- As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs. Sat Mar 20 00:40:45 CST 1999 ---------- Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood. Sat Mar 20 10:21:10 CST 1999 ---------- Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. -- Chazal Sat Mar 20 12:44:28 CST 1999 ---------- Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. Sat Mar 20 18:54:58 CST 1999 ---------- Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard Levin Sun Mar 21 00:39:01 CST 1999 ---------- The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. -- Jane Bryant Quinn Sun Mar 21 18:28:15 CST 1999 ---------- Pittsburgh driver's test (2) A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should (a) stop immediately. (b) proceed slowly through the intersection. (c) blow the horn. (d) floor it. The correct answer is (d). If you said (c), you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. Sun Mar 21 22:19:10 CST 1999 ---------- NANCY!! Why is everything RED?! Mon Mar 22 23:41:58 CST 1999 ---------- Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? A: Yogurt has culture. Mon Mar 22 23:53:45 CST 1999 ---------- No directory. Tue Mar 23 00:09:44 CST 1999 ---------- Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! Tue Mar 23 09:30:54 CST 1999 ---------- "Had he and I but met By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, And killed him in his place. I shot him dead because -- Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps No other reason why. Yes; quaint and curious war is! You shoot a fellow down You'd treat, if met where any bar is Or help to half-a-crown." -- Thomas Hardy Tue Mar 23 17:03:26 CST 1999 ---------- Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. Wed Mar 24 12:24:28 CST 1999 ---------- It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. -- Lazarus Long Wed Mar 24 13:15:15 CST 1999 ---------- double-blind experiment, n: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. Thu Mar 25 12:42:01 CST 1999 ---------- In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present. Fri Mar 26 12:12:28 CST 1999 ---------- Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical Gamekeeping." -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) Fri Mar 26 21:10:59 CST 1999 ---------- I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. Fri Mar 26 21:50:43 CST 1999 ---------- Optimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" Sat Mar 27 11:46:59 CST 1999 ---------- Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. Sun Mar 28 00:53:31 CST 1999 ---------- If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. Mon Mar 29 12:36:13 CST 1999 ---------- Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. Mon Mar 29 15:25:16 CST 1999 ---------- That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once, It said "Good-bye. -- Richard Armour Tue Mar 30 01:36:23 CST 1999 ---------- MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed Tue Mar 30 10:52:15 CST 1999 ---------- I want a WESSON OIL lease!! Tue Mar 30 11:44:55 CST 1999 ---------- As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. -- Shakespeare, "King Lear" Tue Mar 30 12:43:04 CST 1999 ---------- Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. Tue Mar 30 14:59:15 CST 1999 ---------- The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. -- Jean de la Bruyere Tue Mar 30 15:53:42 CST 1999 ---------- Keep cool, but don't freeze. -- Hellman's Mayonnaise Tue Mar 30 22:01:29 CST 1999 ---------- Humor in the Court: Q. What is your brother-in-law's name? A. Borofkin. Q. What's his first name? A. I can't remember. Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name? A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name! Wed Mar 31 12:07:32 CST 1999 ---------- In the dimestores and bus stations People talk of situations Read books repeat quotations Draw conclusions on the wall. -- Bob Dylan Thu Apr 1 00:46:59 CST 1999 ---------- Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven Wright Thu Apr 1 01:05:19 CST 1999 ---------- The trouble with money is it costs too much! Fri Apr 2 20:43:25 CST 1999 ---------- Here there be tygers. Fri Apr 2 21:10:21 CST 1999 ---------- "If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) Sat Apr 3 00:06:33 CST 1999 ---------- A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. Sat Apr 3 15:59:50 CST 1999 ---------- I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees in the shade. Sun Apr 4 12:50:17 CDT 1999 ---------- We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan Sun Apr 4 20:06:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. Mon Apr 5 12:07:56 CDT 1999 ---------- Renning's Maxim: Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. Mon Apr 5 23:16:53 CDT 1999 ---------- Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" Tue Apr 6 09:56:16 CDT 1999 ---------- The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering. -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" Tue Apr 6 09:57:57 CDT 1999 ---------- The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. -- Nora Ephron Tue Apr 6 13:03:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. Tue Apr 6 21:08:41 CDT 1999 ---------- We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan Tue Apr 6 22:34:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Tue Apr 6 23:00:54 CDT 1999 ---------- In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig said, "up to the mathematicians." -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 Wed Apr 7 00:07:18 CDT 1999 ---------- Knocked, you weren't in. -- Opportunity Wed Apr 7 00:18:27 CDT 1999 ---------- The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" Wed Apr 7 00:42:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Happiness is a positive cash flow. Wed Apr 7 12:14:50 CDT 1999 ---------- Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation? Wed Apr 7 18:41:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Life is the urge to ecstasy. Wed Apr 7 22:30:27 CDT 1999 ---------- Virtue is a relative term. -- Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1 Thu Apr 8 13:23:23 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." Thu Apr 8 17:36:47 CDT 1999 ---------- I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. -- Robert Benchley Thu Apr 8 19:47:58 CDT 1999 ---------- When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong. Thu Apr 8 22:01:54 CDT 1999 ---------- One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 [It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken Olsen's brain. Ed.] Thu Apr 8 22:36:41 CDT 1999 ---------- The PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY is CRYING for an END to BURT REYNOLDS movies!! Fri Apr 9 10:30:38 CDT 1999 ---------- What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt Fri Apr 9 12:57:30 CDT 1999 ---------- Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste. The official brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it. Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body. The GNU brewery is mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can, which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented. Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe. POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager. Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout. Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout. Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was discontinued in favor of a lager. SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of stout or the sweetness of ale. Fri Apr 9 13:12:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. Fri Apr 9 13:40:35 CDT 1999 ---------- Yow! Am I having fun yet? Fri Apr 9 13:53:45 CDT 1999 ---------- The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology. Fri Apr 9 14:07:51 CDT 1999 ---------- It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. Fri Apr 9 14:59:43 CDT 1999 ---------- The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. Fri Apr 9 16:01:53 CDT 1999 ---------- Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". Fri Apr 9 18:23:37 CDT 1999 ---------- "That unit is a woman." "A mass of conflicting impulses." -- Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9 Fri Apr 9 18:29:18 CDT 1999 ---------- A fool must now and then be right by chance. Sun Apr 11 13:44:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. Sun Apr 11 13:46:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess ... Sun Apr 11 19:18:17 CDT 1999 ---------- It's important that people know what you stand for. It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. Sun Apr 11 22:00:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoess (girl 'tater) who will give birth to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and general butter-melting by all. FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! Sun Apr 11 23:25:21 CDT 1999 ---------- Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. Sun Apr 11 23:32:07 CDT 1999 ---------- There's no justice in this world. -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz instead) Mon Apr 12 10:53:05 CDT 1999 ---------- This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the power of computers: Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The results are that one should eat each day: 1/2 chicken 1 egg 1 glass of skim milk 27 heads of lettuce. -- Rev. Adrian Melott Mon Apr 12 12:00:19 CDT 1999 ---------- The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears. Mon Apr 12 13:00:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it. -- James Russell Lowell Mon Apr 12 19:08:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? Mon Apr 12 20:27:06 CDT 1999 ---------- The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. Mon Apr 12 20:46:24 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: I love your outfit, does it come in your size? Mon Apr 12 21:50:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said." Tue Apr 13 01:59:34 CDT 1999 ---------- A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. Tue Apr 13 02:00:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them over the horizon. -- K.A. Arsdall Tue Apr 13 13:24:54 CDT 1999 ---------- If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? -- Alan Parsons Project Tue Apr 13 16:39:59 CDT 1999 ---------- Come, muse, let us sing of rats! -- From a poem by James Grainger, 1721-1767 Wed Apr 14 00:08:24 CDT 1999 ---------- C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. -- Bjarne Stroustrup Wed Apr 14 00:10:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar! Wed Apr 14 09:23:55 CDT 1999 ---------- It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. -- Roger Babson Wed Apr 14 09:39:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's mail file. Wed Apr 14 12:10:00 CDT 1999 ---------- Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. Wed Apr 14 14:09:47 CDT 1999 ---------- Okay ... I'm going home to write the "I HATE RUBIK's CUBE HANDBOOK FOR DEAD CAT LOVERS" ... Wed Apr 14 19:30:55 CDT 1999 ---------- Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. Thu Apr 15 10:24:37 CDT 1999 ---------- Office Automation: The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. Thu Apr 15 14:28:54 CDT 1999 ---------- It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore freedom and games to the network... -- DECWARS Thu Apr 15 20:26:41 CDT 1999 ---------- A musician, an artist, an architect: the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. -- William Blake Thu Apr 15 20:30:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. Thu Apr 15 20:42:46 CDT 1999 ---------- No two persons ever read the same book. -- Edmund Wilson Thu Apr 15 21:24:09 CDT 1999 ---------- I was eatin' some chop suey, With a lady in St. Louie, When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. And that knocker, he says, "Honey, Roll this rocker out some money, Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." -- Mr. Miggle Thu Apr 15 22:02:59 CDT 1999 ---------- You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. -- Aristophanes Thu Apr 15 22:05:28 CDT 1999 ---------- The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. Thu Apr 15 22:27:13 CDT 1999 ---------- Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this force is technically termed "car suck"). (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than "Watch this!" (3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. (4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you in the head and knock you silly. Thu Apr 15 22:33:52 CDT 1999 ---------- The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? I feel together today! -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" Fri Apr 16 00:13:13 CDT 1999 ---------- ... I want a COLOR T.V. and a VIBRATING BED!!! Fri Apr 16 10:01:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. -- Governor Jerry Brown Fri Apr 16 12:16:55 CDT 1999 ---------- You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. Fri Apr 16 14:32:43 CDT 1999 ---------- Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. Fri Apr 16 14:45:25 CDT 1999 ---------- A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. Fri Apr 16 15:10:26 CDT 1999 ---------- If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard. -- Edward Holyoke Fri Apr 16 15:13:38 CDT 1999 ---------- Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference between adequacy and excellence. Fri Apr 16 15:24:31 CDT 1999 ---------- It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends and getting people under the influence. -- Jeremy Tunstall Fri Apr 16 15:58:28 CDT 1999 ---------- To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. Fri Apr 16 17:03:14 CDT 1999 ---------- A stitch in time saves nine. Fri Apr 16 17:52:25 CDT 1999 ---------- I can resist anything but temptation. Sat Apr 17 11:16:33 CDT 1999 ---------- A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb Sat Apr 17 16:24:27 CDT 1999 ---------- How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? Sat Apr 17 16:55:10 CDT 1999 ---------- Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on. Sat Apr 17 18:36:45 CDT 1999 ---------- Kleeneness is next to Godelness. Sat Apr 17 18:40:38 CDT 1999 ---------- Today is what happened to yesterday. Sat Apr 17 23:15:32 CDT 1999 ---------- briefcase, n: A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. Sun Apr 18 14:18:12 CDT 1999 ---------- You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. Sun Apr 18 14:41:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this country was built. -- Hubert Allen Sun Apr 18 14:44:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Creditor, n.: A man who has a better memory than a debtor. Sun Apr 18 16:14:18 CDT 1999 ---------- I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Mon Apr 19 09:28:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month" Mon Apr 19 12:13:42 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." Mon Apr 19 12:34:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Normal times may possibly be over forever. Mon Apr 19 18:24:02 CDT 1999 ---------- The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." -- King Lear Mon Apr 19 20:42:25 CDT 1999 ---------- In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. -- Frank Mankiewicz Mon Apr 19 21:20:09 CDT 1999 ---------- Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. Mon Apr 19 21:33:16 CDT 1999 ---------- You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. -- Lewis Carroll Tue Apr 20 10:26:49 CDT 1999 ---------- The Great Movie Posters: HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. -- Untamed Mistress (1960) NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) Tue Apr 20 10:30:42 CDT 1999 ---------- There but for the grace of God, goes God. -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps. Wed Apr 21 10:10:26 CDT 1999 ---------- Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. -- A.H. Weiler Wed Apr 21 12:08:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. Wed Apr 21 13:50:02 CDT 1999 ---------- meetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. Wed Apr 21 14:04:58 CDT 1999 ---------- All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. Wed Apr 21 17:19:40 CDT 1999 ---------- A cousin of mine once said about money, money is always there but the pockets change; it is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is all there is to say about money. -- Gertrude Stein Wed Apr 21 17:26:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Is this the line for the latest whimsical YUGOSLAVIAN drama which also makes you want to CRY and reconsider the VIETNAM WAR? Wed Apr 21 17:38:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error. -- Thomas Jefferson Wed Apr 21 19:24:07 CDT 1999 ---------- Save gas, don't use the shell. Wed Apr 21 22:46:36 CDT 1999 ---------- All hope abandon, ye who enter here! -- Dante Alighieri Thu Apr 22 13:17:23 CDT 1999 ---------- My own dear love, he is strong and bold And he cares not what comes after. His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, And his eyes are lit with laughter. He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. My own dear love, he is all my world -- And I wish I'd never met him. -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 Thu Apr 22 16:22:22 CDT 1999 ---------- My pen is at the bottom of a page, Which, being finished, here the story ends; 'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, But stories somehow lengthen when begun. -- Byron Thu Apr 22 16:24:25 CDT 1999 ---------- tax office, n.: Den of inequity. Fri Apr 23 01:19:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby Fri Apr 23 02:35:10 CDT 1999 ---------- Optimism is the content of small men in high places. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" Fri Apr 23 09:19:23 CDT 1999 ---------- It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it. -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" Fri Apr 23 09:32:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over. Fri Apr 23 09:40:25 CDT 1999 ---------- The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. -- Mark Twain Fri Apr 23 12:22:20 CDT 1999 ---------- "I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')" (By Olaf Kirch) Sun Apr 25 19:10:23 CDT 1999 ---------- It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" Sun Apr 25 19:56:48 CDT 1999 ---------- When all else fails, EAT!!! Mon Apr 26 00:35:27 CDT 1999 ---------- Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. Mon Apr 26 08:32:42 CDT 1999 ---------- marriage, n.: Convertible bonds. Mon Apr 26 08:44:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children. -- W.H. Auden Mon Apr 26 12:07:40 CDT 1999 ---------- What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke. -- Steve Martin Mon Apr 26 16:40:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Gravity brings me down. Mon Apr 26 21:40:06 CDT 1999 ---------- I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. Mon Apr 26 22:03:20 CDT 1999 ---------- Why are you doing this to me? Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before there is change. -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 Tue Apr 27 09:19:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell?" Tue Apr 27 09:44:16 CDT 1999 ---------- APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them. -- Roy Keir Tue Apr 27 11:14:29 CDT 1999 ---------- People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too. Tue Apr 27 11:53:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house. -- Mark Guido Wed Apr 28 12:37:33 CDT 1999 ---------- Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. BSD stout: Deep, hearty, and an acquired taste. The official brewer has released the recipe, and a lot of home-brewers now use it. Hurd beer: Long advertised by the popular and politically active GNU brewery, so far it has more head than body. The GNU brewery is mostly known for printing complete brewing instructions on every can, which contains hops, malt, barley, and yeast ... not yet fermented. Linux brand: A recipe originally created by a drunken Finn in his basement, it has since become the home-brew of choice for impecunious brewers and Unix beer-lovers worldwide, many of whom change the recipe. POSIX ales: Sweeter than lager, with the kick of a stout; the newer batches of a lot of beers seem to blend ale and stout or lager. Solaris brand: A lager, intended to replace Sun brand stout. Unlike most lagers, this one has to be drunk more slowly than stout. Sun brand: Long the most popular stout on the Unix market, it was discontinued in favor of a lager. SysV lager: Clear and thirst-quenching, but lacking the body of stout or the sweetness of ale. Thu Apr 29 09:58:22 CDT 1999 ---------- And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about them, aren't braced against them. -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" Thu Apr 29 10:22:43 CDT 1999 ---------- (1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes. Thu Apr 29 10:58:56 CDT 1999 ---------- There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. -- Mortimer Caplan Thu Apr 29 11:56:19 CDT 1999 ---------- My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late! -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" Thu Apr 29 14:52:22 CDT 1999 ---------- G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says `No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And that's your chance, my boy." Thu Apr 29 15:39:58 CDT 1999 ---------- If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. Thu Apr 29 15:57:45 CDT 1999 ---------- Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. Thu Apr 29 16:11:38 CDT 1999 ---------- "The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." -- McCloctnik the Lucid Thu Apr 29 16:23:53 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." Fri Apr 30 12:07:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain sex to a virgin. -- Robert Heinlein (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) Fri Apr 30 12:41:07 CDT 1999 ---------- Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste. (By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski) Fri Apr 30 15:24:31 CDT 1999 ---------- Every solution breeds new problems. Fri Apr 30 16:08:56 CDT 1999 ---------- Honi soit qui mal y pense. [Evil to him who evil thinks.] -- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III) Sat May 1 16:24:38 CDT 1999 ---------- guru, n: A computer owner who can read the manual. Sat May 1 17:05:34 CDT 1999 ---------- Thus spake the master programmer: "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Sat May 1 17:22:55 CDT 1999 ---------- The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. Sat May 1 17:41:33 CDT 1999 ---------- The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. Sun May 2 09:33:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck Sun May 2 10:12:09 CDT 1999 ---------- ... I think I'd better go back to my DESK and toy with a few common MISAPPREHENSIONS ... Sun May 2 12:14:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. -- Maek Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Sun May 2 14:26:47 CDT 1999 ---------- The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves. -- Arthur Binstead Sun May 2 17:47:40 CDT 1999 ---------- You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. -- Jeannette Rankin Sun May 2 21:45:34 CDT 1999 ---------- You would if you could but you can't so you won't. Sun May 2 22:46:36 CDT 1999 ---------- It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods to Grandmother's condo. Sun May 2 23:13:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. Mon May 3 09:25:10 CDT 1999 ---------- Has your family tried 'em? POWDERMILK BISCUITS Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. POWDERMILK BISCUITS Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains that indicate freshness. Mon May 3 09:39:50 CDT 1999 ---------- A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. Mon May 3 13:45:33 CDT 1999 ---------- Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Mon May 3 15:10:11 CDT 1999 ---------- I know th'MAMBO!! I have a TWO-TONE CHEMISTRY SET!! Mon May 3 15:51:29 CDT 1999 ---------- One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. -- Oscar Wilde Mon May 3 15:53:37 CDT 1999 ---------- semper en excretus Mon May 3 16:05:45 CDT 1999 ---------- I'm changing the CHANNEL ... But all I get is commercials for "RONCO MIRACLE BAMBOO STEAMERS"! Mon May 3 16:37:47 CDT 1999 ---------- Facts are the enemy of truth. -- Don Quixote Mon May 3 18:52:33 CDT 1999 ---------- Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. -- P.J. Bailey Mon May 3 19:34:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Friends, n.: People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway. Mon May 3 22:06:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't be humble ... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir Mon May 3 22:40:49 CDT 1999 ---------- The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. Mon May 3 23:19:00 CDT 1999 ---------- Please go away. Mon May 3 23:45:18 CDT 1999 ---------- The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. Tue May 4 00:57:55 CDT 1999 ---------- If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. -- Mort Sahl Tue May 4 01:00:57 CDT 1999 ---------- THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be registers;" and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -- Rico Tudor Tue May 4 07:39:35 CDT 1999 ---------- Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. Tue May 4 08:10:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. -- Napoleon Bonaparte Tue May 4 08:19:00 CDT 1999 ---------- In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. Tue May 4 08:45:43 CDT 1999 ---------- Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. Tue May 4 09:01:43 CDT 1999 ---------- SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson Tue May 4 12:12:26 CDT 1999 ---------- Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 Tue May 4 12:14:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Many pages make a thick book. Tue May 4 16:21:42 CDT 1999 ---------- "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" "Yes, I don't have one." "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 Tue May 4 18:01:04 CDT 1999 ---------- "I suppose you expect me to talk." "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." -- Goldfinger Wed May 5 00:27:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony Wed May 5 01:21:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Start the day with a smile. After that you can be your nasty old self again. Wed May 5 14:35:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Computer programmers do it byte by byte. Wed May 5 23:32:12 CDT 1999 ---------- Sam: What's new, Norm? Norm: Most of my wife. -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One Coach: Beer, Norm? Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone Coach: What's doing, Norm? Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig. -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways Wed May 5 23:39:59 CDT 1999 ---------- We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour" Thu May 6 09:55:18 CDT 1999 ---------- Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man. -- Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown Thu May 6 10:07:26 CDT 1999 ---------- The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay. Thu May 6 17:41:08 CDT 1999 ---------- This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars and come alone. I'm serious! -- "The Rockford Files" Fri May 7 00:43:12 CDT 1999 ---------- Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau Fri May 7 09:33:24 CDT 1999 ---------- "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made good copy." -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" Fri May 7 18:46:41 CDT 1999 ---------- It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time. Fri May 7 22:43:01 CDT 1999 ---------- You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. -- Joseph Conrad Fri May 7 22:56:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. -- D. Gries Sat May 8 16:26:51 CDT 1999 ---------- Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. Sun May 9 13:01:36 CDT 1999 ---------- If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff Sun May 9 19:12:53 CDT 1999 ---------- A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. Wed May 12 01:24:16 CDT 1999 ---------- An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Kraus Thu May 13 17:14:49 CDT 1999 ---------- Let's do it. -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad Fri May 14 01:04:50 CDT 1999 ---------- An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. -- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639 Fri May 14 11:06:04 CDT 1999 ---------- As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) Fri May 14 14:29:22 CDT 1999 ---------- "I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me." -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" Fri May 14 23:11:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Entropy isn't what it used to be. Fri May 14 23:16:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 Sat May 15 09:02:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Computers don't actually think. You just think they think. (We think.) Tue May 25 21:06:30 CDT 1999 ---------- Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. -- e.e. cummings Wed May 26 22:46:28 CDT 1999 ---------- If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" Wed May 26 22:46:38 CDT 1999 ---------- The bogosity meter just pegged. Fri May 28 15:45:27 CDT 1999 ---------- Slous' Contention: If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. Fri May 28 16:31:09 CDT 1999 ---------- What is the sound of one hand clapping? Fri May 28 16:49:35 CDT 1999 ---------- knowledge, n.: Things you believe. Sat May 29 08:50:00 CDT 1999 ---------- It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She does not want you to call attention to this by saying, 'If you wanted a dessert, why didn't you order one?' You must understand, she has the dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" Sat May 29 20:20:00 CDT 1999 ---------- [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: (1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them there. (2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" Sun May 30 19:18:53 CDT 1999 ---------- === ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging performance. Sun May 30 19:25:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! Mon May 31 12:55:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. -- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" Thu Jun 3 23:31:38 CDT 1999 ---------- What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi Fri Jun 4 22:13:01 CDT 1999 ---------- There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over. -- David Nichols Sat Jun 5 10:08:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Applause, n: The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. -- Ambrose Bierce Mon Jun 7 13:00:55 CDT 1999 ---------- I feel like a wet parking meter on Darvon! Tue Jun 8 00:09:38 CDT 1999 ---------- It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new ones. -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 Tue Jun 8 01:19:09 CDT 1999 ---------- May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. Wed Jun 9 06:49:21 CDT 1999 ---------- Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! -- Bernadette Bosky Wed Jun 9 17:00:50 CDT 1999 ---------- I've already told you more than I know. Wed Jun 9 23:49:54 CDT 1999 ---------- The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. Thu Jun 10 14:54:27 CDT 1999 ---------- If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter Sat Jun 12 14:50:24 CDT 1999 ---------- There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: an accounting package or an operating system?" "An operating system," replied the programmer. The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating system," he said. "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to the tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited my outside appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system is easier to design." The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well, but which is easier to debug?" The programmer made no reply. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Sat Jun 12 18:58:59 CDT 1999 ---------- Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover Sun Jun 13 12:45:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? A: 9 edge down. Mon Jun 14 00:09:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Why are programmers non-productive? Because their time is wasted in meetings. Why are programmers rebellious? Because the management interferes too much. Why are the programmers resigning one by one? Because they are burnt out. Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Mon Jun 14 00:11:22 CDT 1999 ---------- There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read permissions for everyone, you could say #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away from its uses. To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology -- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review Mon Jun 14 00:13:25 CDT 1999 ---------- Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor. Mon Jun 14 21:49:13 CDT 1999 ---------- We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. -- Alan M. Turing Tue Jun 15 19:00:14 CDT 1999 ---------- /\ SUN of them wants to use you, \\ \ / \ \\ / SUN of them wants to be used by you, / / \/ / //\ \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to abuse you, / / /\ / / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... \ \\ \/ -- Eurythmics Fri Jun 18 16:12:11 CDT 1999 ---------- There are new messages. Sat Jun 19 14:23:48 CDT 1999 ---------- The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! Sun Jun 20 11:33:30 CDT 1999 ---------- FEELINGS are cascading over me!!! Sun Jun 20 13:04:37 CDT 1999 ---------- Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around? -- Dr. Who Sun Jun 20 21:03:25 CDT 1999 ---------- An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on). -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" Sun Jun 20 21:03:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Dieters live life in the fasting lane. Mon Jun 21 22:54:57 CDT 1999 ---------- Some points to remember [about animals]: (1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; (2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; (3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" Mon Jun 21 23:17:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Youth is the trustee of posterity. Mon Jun 21 23:46:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Women can keep a secret just as well as men, but it takes more of them to do it. Tue Jun 22 14:59:10 CDT 1999 ---------- I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. There was a computer in every doorknob. -- Danny Hillis Tue Jun 22 16:22:54 CDT 1999 ---------- If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it. -- William Orton Wed Jun 23 16:10:54 CDT 1999 ---------- The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. And now, just look at me." Wed Jun 23 19:08:32 CDT 1999 ---------- A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." Wed Jun 23 22:38:06 CDT 1999 ---------- Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. Thu Jun 24 07:21:48 CDT 1999 ---------- While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack. Thu Jun 24 19:14:25 CDT 1999 ---------- I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Samuel Johnson Thu Jun 24 19:16:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! -- Joe Cointment Thu Jun 24 19:23:52 CDT 1999 ---------- I'll burn my books. -- Christopher Marlowe Thu Jun 24 19:52:50 CDT 1999 ---------- "A word to the wise: a credentials dicksize war is usually a bad idea on the net." (David Parsons in c.o.l.development.system, about coding in C.) Sun Jun 27 21:36:03 CDT 1999 ---------- "Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." -- Dave Barry Sun Jun 27 22:26:17 CDT 1999 ---------- I hate dying. -- Dave Johnson Sun Jun 27 22:33:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Hiccuping & trembling into the WASTE DUMPS of New Jersey like some drunken CABBAGE PATCH DOLL, coughing in line at FIORUCCI'S!! Mon Jun 28 16:33:18 CDT 1999 ---------- The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent. Mon Jun 28 17:13:36 CDT 1999 ---------- For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! but with break of day I went to make supplication. -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. Mon Jun 28 17:43:04 CDT 1999 ---------- When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. Tue Jun 29 07:02:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -- Tom Robbins Tue Jun 29 16:54:16 CDT 1999 ---------- Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" Tue Jun 29 18:54:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't. -- Robert Orben Tue Jun 29 21:29:55 CDT 1999 ---------- The important thing is not to stop questioning. Tue Jun 29 21:30:28 CDT 1999 ---------- You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. -- William Blake Tue Jun 29 21:47:59 CDT 1999 ---------- All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." -- Steven Wright Wed Jun 30 16:32:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Consultant, n.: (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel. Wed Jun 30 19:52:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Why use Windows, since there is a door? (By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat) Wed Jun 30 21:28:45 CDT 1999 ---------- politics, n.: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce Thu Jul 1 00:23:46 CDT 1999 ---------- The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. Harper Thu Jul 1 00:26:09 CDT 1999 ---------- Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. Thu Jul 1 00:32:07 CDT 1999 ---------- work, n.: The blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid. Thu Jul 1 16:34:43 CDT 1999 ---------- Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. Fri Jul 2 00:34:06 CDT 1999 ---------- Santa Claus is watching! Sat Jul 3 00:32:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. -- Finley Peter Dunne Sat Jul 3 00:47:55 CDT 1999 ---------- FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. Sat Jul 3 09:45:08 CDT 1999 ---------- IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss. Sat Jul 3 20:20:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! Sun Jul 4 17:04:35 CDT 1999 ---------- "We have the right to survive!" "Not by killing others." -- Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5 Mon Jul 5 20:41:17 CDT 1999 ---------- A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and purgatory for the purse. Tue Jul 6 17:20:09 CDT 1999 ---------- HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! Details at 11. Tue Jul 6 21:56:53 CDT 1999 ---------- They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" Tue Jul 6 22:14:25 CDT 1999 ---------- History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. Wed Jul 7 16:41:24 CDT 1999 ---------- If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things. Wed Jul 7 18:58:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from chains. -- Frederick Douglass Wed Jul 7 19:22:31 CDT 1999 ---------- Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. -- Amy Gorin Wed Jul 7 19:48:14 CDT 1999 ---------- My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on the alter of human limitations. I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the earth really does revolve about the sun. -- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" Thu Jul 8 00:26:19 CDT 1999 ---------- There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. Fri Jul 9 00:34:56 CDT 1999 ---------- The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. Fri Jul 9 16:28:59 CDT 1999 ---------- In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. Fri Jul 9 16:32:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. -- Moore Sun Jul 11 23:39:34 CDT 1999 ---------- Character is what you are in the dark! -- Lord John Whorfin Mon Jul 12 00:26:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Speak roughly to your little boy, And beat him when he sneezes: He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases. Wow! wow! wow! I speak severely to my boy, And beat him when he sneezes: For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases! Wow! wow! wow! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland" Mon Jul 12 16:00:22 CDT 1999 ---------- I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. -- Woody Allen Mon Jul 12 19:20:58 CDT 1999 ---------- The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Mon Jul 12 19:30:30 CDT 1999 ---------- In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. Mon Jul 12 22:58:06 CDT 1999 ---------- "Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use. -- Lazarus Long Tue Jul 13 16:31:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch. Tue Jul 13 19:50:42 CDT 1999 ---------- It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. Tue Jul 13 23:01:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. Wed Jul 14 18:30:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time. Wed Jul 14 18:35:34 CDT 1999 ---------- Is this really happening? Thu Jul 15 00:06:56 CDT 1999 ---------- Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" Thu Jul 15 17:00:41 CDT 1999 ---------- polygon: Dead parrot. Fri Jul 16 00:10:52 CDT 1999 ---------- ... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" Fri Jul 16 01:07:08 CDT 1999 ---------- There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked. -- Groucho Marx Fri Jul 16 01:10:47 CDT 1999 ---------- Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. Fri Jul 16 15:45:45 CDT 1999 ---------- MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 2 cups water 2 cups sugar 2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine Cinnamon Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box Sat Jul 17 01:28:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. Sat Jul 17 01:33:30 CDT 1999 ---------- So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. -- Samuel Foote Sat Jul 17 07:51:35 CDT 1999 ---------- Cold be hand and heart and bone, and cold be sleep under stone; never more to wake on stony bed, never, till the Sun fails and the Moon is dead. In the black wind the stars shall die, and still on gold here let them lie, till the dark lord lifts his hand over dead sea and withered land. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Sat Jul 17 12:01:02 CDT 1999 ---------- I am looking for a honest man. -- Diogenes the Cynic Sat Jul 17 18:03:53 CDT 1999 ---------- The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither doctors nor lawyers. -- L. Docquier Sun Jul 18 02:23:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Trust everybody, but cut the cards. -- Finlay Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" Sun Jul 18 11:13:14 CDT 1999 ---------- The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. Sun Jul 18 12:03:15 CDT 1999 ---------- When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Sun Jul 18 23:17:53 CDT 1999 ---------- In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person. -- Margaret Anderson Mon Jul 19 07:28:15 CDT 1999 ---------- SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful. -- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988. Tue Jul 20 07:00:24 CDT 1999 ---------- VICARIOUSLY experience some reason to LIVE!! Tue Jul 20 16:49:20 CDT 1999 ---------- Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. Tue Jul 20 17:08:20 CDT 1999 ---------- There is in certain living souls A quality of loneliness unspeakable, So great it must be shared As company is shared by lesser beings. Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this That in immensity There is one lonelier than you. Tue Jul 20 22:39:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. Wed Jul 21 06:48:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Slow day. Practice crawling. Wed Jul 21 16:55:02 CDT 1999 ---------- I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. Wed Jul 21 20:09:50 CDT 1999 ---------- Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 21st century aircraft: "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the pilot if he touches anything. -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 [the *magazine*, silly!] Wed Jul 21 23:21:31 CDT 1999 ---------- TONY RANDALL! Is YOUR life a PATIO of FUN?? Thu Jul 22 00:28:53 CDT 1999 ---------- Those who can't write, write manuals. Thu Jul 22 06:33:55 CDT 1999 ---------- Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. -- Albert Schweitzer Thu Jul 22 16:44:34 CDT 1999 ---------- I am two with nature. -- Woody Allen Thu Jul 22 23:17:08 CDT 1999 ---------- FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 Clothes: Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. Fri Jul 23 15:48:01 CDT 1999 ---------- I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. Fri Jul 23 23:01:00 CDT 1999 ---------- If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. Sat Jul 24 13:25:04 CDT 1999 ---------- Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girl friend. Sun Jul 25 13:57:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? Sun Jul 25 18:55:27 CDT 1999 ---------- It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. Sun Jul 25 22:26:12 CDT 1999 ---------- Two heads are better than one. -- John Heywood Sun Jul 25 22:50:25 CDT 1999 ---------- Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up like crabgrass all over the United States. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Mon Jul 26 23:20:20 CDT 1999 ---------- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. Tue Jul 27 19:57:10 CDT 1999 ---------- "Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night hacking (and/or conversations with God)." (By Matt Welsh) Thu Jul 29 21:02:55 CDT 1999 ---------- Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! Fri Jul 30 01:15:50 CDT 1999 ---------- His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. -- P.G. Wodehouse Fri Jul 30 07:47:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. -- Laurie Anderson Fri Jul 30 18:16:35 CDT 1999 ---------- Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. Sun Aug 1 00:46:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana Sun Aug 1 17:34:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. Mon Aug 2 00:38:14 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: How can I miss you if you won't go away? Mon Aug 2 19:47:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. Tue Aug 3 23:08:18 CDT 1999 ---------- The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. -- Miguel de Cervantes Tue Aug 3 23:09:44 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. -- Josh Billings Wed Aug 4 17:40:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. Wed Aug 4 22:35:22 CDT 1999 ---------- The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. -- Kevin Cowherd Thu Aug 5 21:34:03 CDT 1999 ---------- INSIDE, I have the same personality disorder as LUCY RICARDO!! Thu Aug 5 21:54:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Ladles and Jellyspoons! I come before you to stand behind you, To tell you something I know nothing about. Since next Thursday will be Good Friday, There will be a fathers' meeting, for mothers only. Wear your best clothes, if you don't have any, And please stay at home if you can possibly be there. Admission is free, please pay at the door. Have a seat on me: please sit on the floor. No matter where you manage to sit, The man in the balcony will certainly spit. We thank you for your unkind attention, And would now like to present our next act: "The Four Corners of the Round Table." Thu Aug 5 21:55:22 CDT 1999 ---------- When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? Thu Aug 5 23:22:01 CDT 1999 ---------- The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. Thu Aug 5 23:30:09 CDT 1999 ---------- Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" Sat Aug 7 02:33:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Jenkinson's Law: It won't work. Sat Aug 7 13:22:00 CDT 1999 ---------- Mum's the word. -- Miguel de Cervantes Sat Aug 7 13:23:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Who loves not wisely but too well Will look on Helen's face in hell, But he whose love is thin and wise Will view John Knox in Paradise. -- Dorothy Parker Sat Aug 7 15:17:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. Sat Aug 7 17:26:49 CDT 1999 ---------- What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi Sat Aug 7 22:05:58 CDT 1999 ---------- When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives left behind in the thought records. -- Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown Mon Aug 9 03:01:47 CDT 1999 ---------- Vote anarchist. Mon Aug 9 17:03:39 CDT 1999 ---------- This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks. Mon Aug 9 22:16:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Joshu: What is the true Way? Nansen: Every way is the true Way. J: Can I study it? N: The more you study, the further from the Way. J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open yourself as wide as the sky. Tue Aug 10 23:18:02 CDT 1999 ---------- There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana Tue Aug 10 23:29:56 CDT 1999 ---------- Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, it's Microsoft!" Mon Aug 16 00:05:35 CDT 1999 ---------- Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug. Mon Aug 16 22:44:39 CDT 1999 ---------- After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! Mon Aug 16 23:39:08 CDT 1999 ---------- You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies? Tue Aug 17 07:03:13 CDT 1999 ---------- First, a few words about tools. Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" Wed Aug 18 07:14:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open market. If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" Thu Aug 19 02:19:49 CDT 1999 ---------- Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? -- Gallagher Thu Aug 19 16:45:13 CDT 1999 ---------- Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. Fri Aug 20 01:04:35 CDT 1999 ---------- In vino veritas. [In wine there is truth.] -- Pliny Fri Aug 20 23:20:21 CDT 1999 ---------- Thus spake the master programmer: "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained." -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" Sat Aug 21 01:05:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Our way is peace. -- Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4040.7. Sat Aug 21 02:38:08 CDT 1999 ---------- A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. Sun Aug 22 02:45:43 CDT 1999 ---------- One reason why George Washington Is held in such veneration: He never blamed his problems On the former Administration. -- George O. Ludcke Sun Aug 22 16:51:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. Mon Aug 23 01:33:45 CDT 1999 ---------- Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" Mon Aug 23 01:35:11 CDT 1999 ---------- Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky Mon Aug 23 22:00:05 CDT 1999 ---------- Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. -- Bergan Evans Mon Aug 23 22:31:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence. -- Dijkstra Mon Aug 23 22:54:19 CDT 1999 ---------- marriage, n.: An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love. In short, committment to an institution. Tue Aug 24 07:30:36 CDT 1999 ---------- The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forbearance among men. -- Ambrose Bierce Tue Aug 24 17:25:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. Wed Aug 25 01:15:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. Wed Aug 25 07:24:07 CDT 1999 ---------- There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw. -- Walt Kelly Wed Aug 25 16:33:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Include me out. Thu Aug 26 10:58:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Can I have an IMPULSE ITEM instead? Thu Aug 26 17:52:33 CDT 1999 ---------- An Italian is COMBING his hair in suburban DES MOINES! Thu Aug 26 18:17:59 CDT 1999 ---------- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Sat Aug 28 01:55:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sat Aug 28 02:08:54 CDT 1999 ---------- The 357.73 Theory: Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5. Sat Aug 28 02:21:12 CDT 1999 ---------- There are no games on this system. Sat Aug 28 03:04:27 CDT 1999 ---------- Q: How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. Sat Aug 28 03:23:45 CDT 1999 ---------- Three rules for sounding like an expert: (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own. Sat Aug 28 12:01:42 CDT 1999 ---------- There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become insupportable. -- Kurt Vonnegut Sat Aug 28 06:57:51 CDT 1999 ---------- A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. Sat Aug 28 06:58:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. Sat Aug 28 07:00:46 CDT 1999 ---------- ... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this business, it probably would be gibberish. -- Thom McLeod Sat Aug 28 07:13:44 CDT 1999 ---------- Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. Sat Aug 28 07:44:57 CDT 1999 ---------- When in panic, fear and doubt, Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. Sat Aug 28 07:46:56 CDT 1999 ---------- In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" Sat Aug 28 09:44:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Disobedience: The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. -- Ambrose Bierce Sat Aug 28 09:46:45 CDT 1999 ---------- It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky Sat Aug 28 12:42:44 CDT 1999 ---------- History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. Sat Aug 28 13:03:31 CDT 1999 ---------- The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light. -- Woody Allen Sun Aug 29 09:20:50 CDT 1999 ---------- The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. Sun Aug 29 10:09:08 CDT 1999 ---------- He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde Fri Sep 3 17:25:51 CDT 1999 ---------- THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE Fri Sep 3 17:33:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. -- Gilb Fri Sep 3 20:22:10 CDT 1999 ---------- There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain Fri Sep 3 09:09:48 CDT 1999 ---------- Q: What's a light-year? A: One-third less calories than a regular year. Fri Sep 3 12:42:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? One fortunate cookie... Fri Sep 3 12:48:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it. Sat Sep 4 03:24:54 CDT 1999 ---------- A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard. Sat Sep 4 13:29:08 CDT 1999 ---------- "You say there are two types of people?" "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that don't." "Wrong. There are three groups: Those who separate people into three groups. Those who don't separate people into groups. Those who can't decide." "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into two groups?" "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" "Yeah." "So then there's a fifth group, right?" "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their minds." Sat Sep 4 20:25:29 CDT 1999 ---------- "What time is it?" "I don't know, it keeps changing." Sun Sep 5 00:27:10 CDT 1999 ---------- The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense -- Picasso Sun Sep 5 06:32:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind. -- Erma Bombeck Sun Sep 5 09:05:55 CDT 1999 ---------- Today is the last day of your life so far. Sun Sep 5 16:41:42 CDT 1999 ---------- I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. -- Abraham Lincoln Sun Sep 5 16:56:09 CDT 1999 ---------- For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. Sun Sep 5 16:56:11 CDT 1999 ---------- A Thaum is the basic unit of magical strength. It has been universally established as the amount of magic needed to create one small white pigeon or three normal sized billiard balls. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" Sun Sep 5 17:06:27 CDT 1999 ---------- You will be held hostage by a radical group. Sun Sep 5 17:59:05 CDT 1999 ---------- He heard there oft the flying sound Of feet as light as linden-leaves, Of music welling underground, In hidden hollows quavering. Now withered lay the hemlock-sheaves, And one by one with sighing sound Whispering fell the beechen leaves In the wintry woodland wavering. He sought her ever, wandering far Where leaves of years were thickly strewn, By light of moon and ray of star In frosty heavens shivering. Her mantle glinted in the moon, As on a hill-top high and far She danced, and at her feet was strewn A mist of silver quivering. When winter passed, she came again, And her song released the sudden spring, Like rising lark, and falling rain, And melting water bubbling. He saw the elven-flowers spring About her feet, and healed again He longed by her to dance and sing Upon the grass untroubling. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Sun Sep 5 18:24:55 CDT 1999 ---------- I want to dress you up as TALLULAH BANKHEAD and cover you with VASELINE and WHEAT THINS ... Sun Sep 5 19:26:06 CDT 1999 ---------- "Emergency!" Sgiggs screamed, ejecting himself from the tub like it was a burning car. "Dial 'one'! Get room service! Code red!" Stiggs was on the phone immediately, ordering more rose blossoms, because, according to him, the ones floating in the tub had suddenly lost their smell. "I demand smell," he shrilled. "I expecting total uninterrupted smell from these f*cking roses." Unfortunately, the service captain didn't realize that the Stiggs situation involved fifty roses. "What am I going to do with this?" Stiggs sneered at the weaseling hotel goon when he appeared at our door holding a single flower floating in a brandy glass. Stiggs's tirade was great. "Do you see this bathtub? Do you notice any difference between the size of the tub and the size of that spindly wad of petals in your hand? I need total bath coverage. I need a completely solid layer of roses all around me like puffing factories of smell, attacking me with their smell and power-ramming big stinking concentrations of rose odor up my nostrils until I'm wasted with pleasure." It wasn't long before we got so dissatisfied with this incompetence that we bolted. -- The Utterly Monstrous, Mind-Roasting Summer of O.C. and Stiggs, National Lampoon, October 1982 Sun Sep 5 19:26:25 CDT 1999 ---------- Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! Sun Sep 5 19:32:34 CDT 1999 ---------- What one fool can do, another can. -- Ancient Simian Proverb Sun Sep 5 19:48:13 CDT 1999 ---------- Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. -- Horace Sun Sep 5 20:48:18 CDT 1999 ---------- One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old enough to give you presents they make at school. -- Robert Byrne Sun Sep 5 21:33:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. "Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: "'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller Sun Sep 5 21:34:38 CDT 1999 ---------- Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. Sun Sep 5 21:38:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis Sun Sep 5 21:47:01 CDT 1999 ---------- The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry. -- Peter Drucker Sun Sep 5 23:44:13 CDT 1999 ---------- History is curious stuff You'd think by now we had enough Yet the fact remains I fear They make more of it every year. Mon Sep 6 01:27:04 CDT 1999 ---------- My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" Mon Sep 6 03:11:46 CDT 1999 ---------- Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Steven Wright Mon Sep 6 10:35:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. Mon Sep 6 10:38:32 CDT 1999 ---------- Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 Mon Sep 6 11:50:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. Mon Sep 6 12:52:34 CDT 1999 ---------- Public use of any portable music system is a virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. -- Zoso Mon Sep 6 13:41:07 CDT 1999 ---------- I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me at present". When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right. -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin Mon Sep 6 17:40:50 CDT 1999 ---------- Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzac Mon Sep 6 18:12:08 CDT 1999 ---------- Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and it's still the same song. -- Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1 Mon Sep 6 19:17:30 CDT 1999 ---------- Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. Mon Sep 6 21:07:56 CDT 1999 ---------- The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" Mon Sep 6 21:47:32 CDT 1999 ---------- Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny. Tue Sep 7 02:08:47 CDT 1999 ---------- It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. - Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65) Tue Sep 7 16:34:05 CDT 1999 ---------- Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 Tue Sep 7 16:59:56 CDT 1999 ---------- At the foot of the mountain, thunder: The image of Providing Nourishment. Thus the superior man is careful of his words And temperate in eating and drinking. Wed Sep 8 00:00:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Schmidt's Observation: All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person. Wed Sep 8 09:03:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. Wed Sep 8 13:16:15 CDT 1999 ---------- One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening. -- Franklin P. Jones Wed Sep 8 20:16:42 CDT 1999 ---------- As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC? Thu Sep 9 02:52:43 CDT 1999 ---------- It is necessary to have purpose. -- Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3 Thu Sep 9 03:53:23 CDT 1999 ---------- Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers couldn't compete successfully with poets. -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer), "Venus on the Half Shell" Thu Sep 9 07:26:46 CDT 1999 ---------- The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door. He said, "I am not fighting for you any more." The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before, And slowly she let him inside. He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young, But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won, And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun. And now will you tell me why?" -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" Thu Sep 9 07:49:56 CDT 1999 ---------- Armor's Axiom: Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. Thu Sep 9 19:32:59 CDT 1999 ---------- This is a good time to punt work. Thu Sep 9 21:18:25 CDT 1999 ---------- Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down. Thu Sep 9 22:35:19 CDT 1999 ---------- That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. -- Moliere Thu Sep 9 23:48:07 CDT 1999 ---------- A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" Fri Sep 10 00:00:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! Catholic girls start much too late, Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, I might as well be the one. Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, Built you a temple and locked you away, Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, The things that you might have done. So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, Never lets in the sun. Darling, only the good die young! -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" Fri Sep 10 07:24:34 CDT 1999 ---------- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -- Erma Bombeck Fri Sep 10 20:58:49 CDT 1999 ---------- Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show? Wavefront's latest box, or the people who programmed it? Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the output of programs like MandelVroom? -- Peter da Silva Sat Sep 11 11:38:56 CDT 1999 ---------- You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. Sat Sep 11 11:42:08 CDT 1999 ---------- I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady. -- Lenny Bruce Sat Sep 11 18:15:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. -- To the tune of "As the Caissons go Rolling Along" Sat Sep 11 18:17:00 CDT 1999 ---------- -- I love KATRINKA because she drives a PONTIAC. We're going away now. I fed the cat. Sun Sep 12 00:45:52 CDT 1999 ---------- So this is what it feels like to be potato salad Sun Sep 12 00:47:40 CDT 1999 ---------- Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 13th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of "lekare". "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what he received, shame and wounds." Sun Sep 12 00:57:04 CDT 1999 ---------- Hempstone's Question: If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? Sun Sep 12 01:06:41 CDT 1999 ---------- One good thing about music, Well, it helps you feel no pain. So hit me with music; Hit me with music now. -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" Sun Sep 12 02:27:33 CDT 1999 ---------- Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.] Sun Sep 12 02:31:04 CDT 1999 ---------- Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs. -- Tom Lehrer Sun Sep 12 02:32:34 CDT 1999 ---------- My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. Sun Sep 12 02:32:59 CDT 1999 ---------- Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself. Sun Sep 12 13:48:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it. Sun Sep 12 21:30:09 CDT 1999 ---------- Why are you so hard to ignore? Mon Sep 13 17:28:19 CDT 1999 ---------- You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 Mon Sep 13 19:49:26 CDT 1999 ---------- Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it. -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values Tue Sep 14 03:37:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. -- Michelangelo Tue Sep 14 07:52:53 CDT 1999 ---------- The only thing better than love is milk. Tue Sep 14 17:28:19 CDT 1999 ---------- QOTD: "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." Tue Sep 14 18:53:24 CDT 1999 ---------- The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Tue Sep 14 21:47:12 CDT 1999 ---------- Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" Tue Sep 14 23:16:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: BBW Branch Both Ways BEW Branch Either Way BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full BH Branch and Hang BMR Branch Multiple Registers BOB Branch On Bug BPO Branch on Power Off BST Backspace and Stretch Tape CDS Condense and Destroy System CLBR Clobber Register CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately CM Circulate Memory CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip CRN Convert to Roman Numerals Wed Sep 15 19:42:51 CDT 1999 ---------- By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. -- Robert Frost Thu Sep 16 00:54:14 CDT 1999 ---------- Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. -- Mike Royko Thu Sep 16 02:02:22 CDT 1999 ---------- Schshschshchsch. -- The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2 Thu Sep 16 02:07:32 CDT 1999 ---------- Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah. Thu Sep 16 07:01:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go To heal my heart and drown my woe. Rain may fall and wind may blow, And many miles be still to go, But under a tall tree I will lie, And let the clouds go sailing by. -- J. R. R. Tolkien Thu Sep 16 17:51:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. -- "The Rockford Files" Thu Sep 16 17:57:21 CDT 1999 ---------- Weekend, where are you? Thu Sep 16 21:19:52 CDT 1999 ---------- A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?" Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, which contained twelve more loons. "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." Thu Sep 16 23:10:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip. Fri Sep 17 00:49:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Fri Sep 17 01:26:16 CDT 1999 ---------- Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen. -- Winston Churchill Fri Sep 17 07:50:43 CDT 1999 ---------- Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful. Sat Sep 18 10:10:59 CDT 1999 ---------- Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. Sat Sep 18 12:42:25 CDT 1999 ---------- I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it! -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire Sat Sep 18 12:54:59 CDT 1999 ---------- It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. -- Crazy Charlie Sun Sep 19 13:32:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Sun Sep 19 13:37:15 CDT 1999 ---------- Your lover will never wish to leave you. Sun Sep 19 21:03:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? Sun Sep 19 23:41:02 CDT 1999 ---------- Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it. Mon Sep 20 07:42:18 CDT 1999 ---------- He who laughs last didn't get the joke. Mon Sep 20 18:50:38 CDT 1999 ---------- A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. Mon Sep 20 20:17:27 CDT 1999 ---------- If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. Mon Sep 20 23:09:38 CDT 1999 ---------- One learns to itch where one can scratch. -- Ernest Bramah Tue Sep 21 00:04:50 CDT 1999 ---------- Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... Tue Sep 21 07:42:39 CDT 1999 ---------- God created a few perfect heads. The rest he covered with hair. Tue Sep 21 16:41:54 CDT 1999 ---------- A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 3,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" Tue Sep 21 18:00:55 CDT 1999 ---------- "A dirty mind is a joy forever." -- Randy Kunkee Tue Sep 21 20:26:13 CDT 1999 ---------- I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. Tue Sep 21 20:27:18 CDT 1999 ---------- April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminged of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar" Wed Sep 22 00:04:37 CDT 1999 ---------- "To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their equipment." -- Harv Masterson Wed Sep 22 00:17:36 CDT 1999 ---------- Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. Wed Sep 22 00:52:57 CDT 1999 ---------- If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. Wed Sep 22 01:17:48 CDT 1999 ---------- The Worst Bank Robbery In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, sheepishly left the building. A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 5,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it was a practical joke. Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got trapped in the revolving doors again. Wed Sep 22 23:30:53 CDT 1999 ---------- But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable nowdays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" Thu Sep 23 00:32:04 CDT 1999 ---------- When one knows women one pities men, but when one studies men, one excuses women. -- Horne Tooke Thu Sep 23 01:12:49 CDT 1999 ---------- Have an adequate day. Thu Sep 23 18:33:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. -- Calvin Keegan Thu Sep 23 21:43:49 CDT 1999 ---------- An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas Thu Sep 23 22:43:11 CDT 1999 ---------- Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. Fri Sep 24 16:58:02 CDT 1999 ---------- When all other means of communication fail, try words. Sat Sep 25 00:17:10 CDT 1999 ---------- A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire Sat Sep 25 14:17:45 CDT 1999 ---------- She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and left. Excited a few men in the meantime. -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's involvement in "The Avengers". Sat Sep 25 14:26:50 CDT 1999 ---------- If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're the sucker. Sat Sep 25 20:14:03 CDT 1999 ---------- You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. Sat Sep 25 23:38:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record. Sun Sep 26 08:25:19 CDT 1999 ---------- Minicomputer: A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager. Sun Sep 26 22:31:18 CDT 1999 ---------- Coach: How's it going, Norm? Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences Sam: What's up, Norm? Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action Coach: What's the story, Norm? Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. -- Cheers, Endless Slumper Mon Sep 27 17:47:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Even a cabbage may look at a king. Mon Sep 27 23:54:08 CDT 1999 ---------- The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. Tue Sep 28 21:11:49 CDT 1999 ---------- The real reason large families benefit society is because at least a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. Wed Sep 29 07:21:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something for you. Wed Sep 29 16:53:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship us and are always bothering us to do something for them. -- Oscar Wilde Wed Sep 29 17:38:10 CDT 1999 ---------- What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. -- Oscar Wilde Wed Sep 29 21:22:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Sears has everything. Thu Sep 30 07:56:51 CDT 1999 ---------- I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please Don't send such drivel overseas; A lawyer sent me private mail And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile And criticized my writing style. Each day I scan each Subject line In hopes the topic will be mine; I shot a query into the net. I haven't got an answer yet... -- Ed Nather Thu Sep 30 17:23:03 CDT 1999 ---------- Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes Did logzerneg the ifthen block All kludgy were the function flows And subroutines adhoc. Beware the runtime-bug my friend squrooneg, the false goto Beware the infiniteloop And shun the inprectoo. -- "OUTCONERR," to the scheme of "Jabberwocky" Thu Sep 30 19:42:54 CDT 1999 ---------- A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. The housewife replied, "Four!". The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spread sheet one more time." The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" Thu Sep 30 21:31:18 CDT 1999 ---------- There is something in the pang of change More than the heart can bear, Unhappiness remembering happiness. -- Euripides Fri Oct 1 00:17:24 CDT 1999 ---------- Have an adequate day. Fri Oct 1 21:34:09 CDT 1999 ---------- It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it. -- Oscar Wilde Sat Oct 2 01:54:33 CDT 1999 ---------- "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than right any day." "And are you?" "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good life-style otherwise." -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" Sat Oct 2 09:02:32 CDT 1999 ---------- No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author. -- Chris Shaw Sat Oct 2 09:30:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Reception area, n.: The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan. Sat Oct 2 11:08:29 CDT 1999 ---------- Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!! Sat Oct 2 14:11:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -- Tom Robbins Sat Oct 2 17:19:44 CDT 1999 ---------- "Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances." -- Seymour Cray Sat Oct 2 17:53:37 CDT 1999 ---------- Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs. Long live the revolution! Have a nice day. Sun Oct 3 00:00:06 CDT 1999 ---------- "But this one goes to eleven." -- Nigel Tufnel Sun Oct 3 01:41:50 CDT 1999 ---------- Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain Sun Oct 3 02:41:08 CDT 1999 ---------- They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They only want to count to two. -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" Sun Oct 3 08:43:55 CDT 1999 ---------- 17th Rule of Friendship: A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is noncancellable. -- Esquire, May 1977 Sun Oct 3 08:47:07 CDT 1999 ---------- As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" Sun Oct 3 18:05:19 CDT 1999 ---------- A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? -- Tom Galloway Mon Oct 4 23:43:43 CDT 1999 ---------- Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. -- Alan Kay Tue Oct 5 22:06:34 CDT 1999 ---------- "BTW, does Jesus know you flame?" -- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp Wed Oct 6 07:26:17 CDT 1999 ---------- Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. -- Will Rogers Wed Oct 6 16:48:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Biz is better. Wed Oct 6 18:21:28 CDT 1999 ---------- Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Wed Oct 6 20:21:52 CDT 1999 ---------- Everywhere I look I see NEGATIVITY and ASPHALT ... Wed Oct 6 21:04:23 CDT 1999 ---------- The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice. Wed Oct 6 21:20:14 CDT 1999 ---------- The real man's Bloody Mary: Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. Throw all the other ingredients away. Wed Oct 6 22:48:30 CDT 1999 ---------- The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by judging things by their price. Wed Oct 6 23:38:36 CDT 1999 ---------- Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. What's the first question that the computer community asks? "Is it PC compatible?" Wed Oct 6 23:44:55 CDT 1999 ---------- An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. -- Marlon Brando Thu Oct 7 16:51:54 CDT 1999 ---------- Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 Thu Oct 7 23:15:25 CDT 1999 ---------- A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. Fri Oct 8 00:29:26 CDT 1999 ---------- Ignore previous fortune. Fri Oct 8 20:27:24 CDT 1999 ---------- The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. Sat Oct 9 12:21:01 CDT 1999 ---------- Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union. -- P.J. O'Rourke Sun Oct 10 00:29:17 CDT 1999 ---------- In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us. -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" Sun Oct 10 02:23:09 CDT 1999 ---------- Drink and dance and laugh and lie Love, the reeling midnight through For tomorrow we shall die! (But, alas, we never do.) -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" Sun Oct 10 03:50:39 CDT 1999 ---------- Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard. If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. -- Chuang Tzu Sun Oct 10 17:15:42 CDT 1999 ---------- Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account. Sun Oct 10 20:02:48 CDT 1999 ---------- Your step will soil many countries. Mon Oct 11 17:55:57 CDT 1999 ---------- Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, I went out for a ride and never came back. Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Everybody's got a hungry heart. Lay down your money and you play your part, Everybody's got a hungry heart. I met her in a Kingstown bar, We fell in love, I knew it had to end. We took what we had and we ripped it apart, Now here I am down in Kingstown again. Everybody needs a place to rest, Everybody wants to have a home. Don't make no difference what nobody says, Ain't nobody likes to be alone. -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" Mon Oct 11 19:21:41 CDT 1999 ---------- Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. -- Bill Musselman Mon Oct 11 21:43:26 CDT 1999 ---------- There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked.